Hilarious Tie Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Tie Jokes

My daughters boyfriend still doesn't know how to tie his shoes... Every time I walk in her room that's all she's doing.

Score: 1608

Score: 1199

Two silk worms are in a wrestling match It ended in a tie.

Score: 590

Two silk worms were in a race... It ended in a tie.

Score: 563

I was invited to a party... 'Black tie only' was written on the invitation card. When I got there, I noticed that other people worn shirts and pants, too.

Score: 493

Two silkworms had a race... They ended up in a tie.

Score: 381

I think winning the war on drugs is impossible. I struggle just to tie my shoelaces on drugs.

Score: 369

How does an ant put on a tie? With a considerable deal of practice and skill and the correct combination of knots in the tie so it can properly be secured on the neck. It's an ant-tie joke.

Score: 363

And the award for the best neckwear goes to... Well, would you look at that, it's a tie!

Score: 346

How does Hitler tie his shoes? With little knotsies.

Score: 130

**Suggestion for you** At a formal event, roll your tie up into a little bundle right below the knot. Then ask someone, "Which of the 2 flaps do you think will unravel first?" After they guess, let it unravel and go "It's a tie!".

Score: 112

How did Hitler tie his shoes? With little knotsies.

Score: 94

A hat and a tie are out running The tie gets tired and says he needs a break.
The hat replies "Don't worry. You hang around and I'll go on ahead."

Score: 86

I used to by my dad a neck tie on father's day, but now I buy him an Asian hooker. It's better to buy a Thai that he'll actually use.

Score: 85

So two men walk into a tie shop The first men asks "Do you want to have a race to see who can put it on the quickest"

The second man responds "nah we will probably end up in a tie

Score: 67

My friend once got an invite to a party that said "black tie only" But when he got there, everyone else was in tuxedos.

Score: 62

AND THE AWARD FOR THE BEST NECKWEAR IS... ...oh, it's a tie

Score: 60

What do Superman and a politician have in common? They both wear a suit and tie when they pretend to be human.

Score: 51

What do you call an Asian with only one leg? Tie won shoo

Score: 43

How did baby Hitler tie his little shoesies? In little knotsies!

Score: 42

Two silk worms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

Score: 40

I witnessed my shoelaces fight today... It was a tie...

Score: 38

How does Hitler tie his shoes? (say outloud)

With little knotsies.

Score: 36

How did Hitler tie his shoes? ... In little knotsies.

Score: 35

And the award for the best neckwear goes to... Huh, would you look at that, it was a tie.

Score: 32

How did hitler tie his shoes? In knotsies.

Score: 32

What did the businessman wear to the thai restaurant? A plaid tie.

Score: 31

What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead - I'll just hang around.

Score: 28

I was invited to a party... The dress code said "black tie only".

But when I got there, I noticed other people had worn shirts and trousers too

Score: 26

Did you hear about the competition for the world's best Tie? There was no clear winner.

Score: 23

I got an invitation to a black-tie-only wedding But when i showed up everyone were wearing tuxedos

Score: 16

What do you call a salmon that's wearing a tie? Sofishticated

Score: 15

And the winner for the best neck wear is... Oh look it's a tie

Score: 13

A man walks into a bar with a little sliver of metal on his tie... The barman says "sorry, we don't want your tie-pin here"

Score: 12

I don't worry about my friend whose fiancee left him at the altar I know he wants to hang himself, but he can't tie the knot.

Score: 12

You need to be able do your shoelaces before you get married. Otherwise you might struggle to tie the knot.

Score: 8

Did you hear the new tie joke? Nevermind, it's quite long and has a flat ending.

Score: 7

Everyone was admiring me in the gym while I was working out. I think they liked my new suit and tie.

Score: 5

What do they do with rope in space? Tie Astro-knots.

Score: 5

And the best neckwear award goes to... Oh wait, it's a tie

Score: 5

New Tie Jokes

At my new job, we have a very casual dress code. In fact... One of my coworkers got fired for wearing a tie and a jacket.

Score: 1

You think science is not so fashionable? Have you seen Neil deGrasse' tie, son?

Score: 0

What's the quickest way to tie a tie? 1:1

one to one

Score: 2

So, this occurred to me wile i was in need of a tie and mine was in the dryer, so i had to call my friend Mitch. It's either get Mitch, or tie dryin'.

Score: 3

I've been learning how to tie a noose I'm getting the hang of it

Score: 3

A guy wants to spice up his marriage by trying bondage... The wife says. "I told you over and over again, no! Why do you keep asking me to tie you up?"

Husband says, " I just can restrain myself!"

Score: 1

Built a robot to tie rope together... But it does knot work.

Score: 4

My girlfriend asked me to tie the knot I asked her if she was sure.

She nervously said yes.

As I started tying it, we started tearing up.

Then she put it on. We were crying rivers at this point.

Sorry if I left you hanging.

Edit: GG

Score: 1

Was talking to a friend about sailing And he said today is going to be 15 knots, I replied “that’s probably enough to tie a boat down”

Score: 1

What do you call two hippies that get hit by a paint truck at the exact same moment? Tie-died.

Score: 2

I asked my friend "do you like my shirt with pictures of cactuses?" He said "cacti"

"never mind the tie, what do you think of the shirt?"

Score: 3

Why did the government of Ethiopia tie a piece of string over their country? So the kids could play in the shadow.

Score: 1

My friend asked me if I could tie a rope... I awnser him "No, i can knot"

Score: 2

And The Best Neck Wear Award goes to.... wait its a tie.

Score: 2

- Can you tie a knot? - I cannot!
- You can knot?
- I cannot knot!
- Not knot?
- Who's there?

Score: 3

What does Bruce Willis say when he finds the zip ties? Zippy tie-yay motherf***er.

Score: 1

What do you call a tie made for chickens? Hen tie.

Score: 1

I didn’t learn from my mistakes but I did learn to tie a Constrictor, Gordian, and Trinity I should have went to the School of Hard Knocks instead of the School of Hard Knots

Score: 1

What do you call a tie made for chickens? A hen tie.

Score: 1

Have you heard of the two silkworms that were in a race? They ended up in a tie.

Score: 1

The youth of today don't know how to make those 90s rainbow tie-dye t-shirts... ..I guess it's a dying art.

Score: 4

Why would Cheap Apple Headphones make great shoelaces? Because they automatically tie themselves

Score: 3

How do you silence a mute person? Tie their hands.

Score: 1

A man tries to get into a restaurant And it's fancy, so fancy he needs a tie or else they won't let him in, so he goes out to his car and discovers he only has jumper cables, he walks in and the host says,"That's okay just don't start anything sir!"

Score: 1

I have the work ethic of an ox - If you tie a yoke to my shoulders and whip me until I move, I'm probably going to get a lot done.

Score: 2

What do you call a Scottish lady that wears nothing but a tie? Hentai.

Score: 2

A teen walks into a girl scout meeting. They're learning how to tie different types of knots.

The girl says "Can I join you?"

They reply "Can you knot?"

Score: 3

Donald Trump was invited to a Red-Tie-Only dinner Excited as red was his favourite tie colour, he got ready and made his way to the dinner.

Upon arrival, he was astounded to see that people were also wearing shirts and pants.

Score: 1

Why could nobody win a dance off at the annual African American ball? Because it was a black tie event

Score: 2

When you are getting Old.... You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.

Score: 4

How did Adolf tie his shoes? With two knotzies.

Score: 3

I ran a marathon the other day, there was a three-way tie for first place between Kim, Kourtney, Khloe. They were about 20 minutes quicker than the guy in second... We all had trouble keeping up with the Kardashians

Score: 1