Hilarious Top Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Top Jokes

The US is having so many disasters and tragedies Youd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds.

Score: 19394

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The US is having so many disasters and tragedies Youd almost think it was built on top of thousands of ancient indian burial grounds.

Edit: Hey thanks for the gold stranger!

Score: 2890

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings: 1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

Score: 2154

What do me and Donald Trump have in common? We'd both date his daughter if she wasn't his daughter.

Edit: Okay, this made it to the front page of the sub. I didn't expect this to be my top post of all time, thanks a lot /r/jokes

Score: 1418

Donald Trump is like top shelf vodka Expensive, Transparent, and wouldn't be here if not for Russia.

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A physicist sees a person on the top of a very tall building. "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

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Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want... But that child is going straight to the top...

And slightly to the left...

Score: 644

"I own a small allotment...", So far I'm the only person I've heard laugh at this joke. I own a small allotment. Every night someone throws soil in on top of in. I've absolutely no idea why.

The plot thickens.

Score: 630

TIL it's possible to jump without a parachute from the top of the Grand Canyon all the way to the bottom. But not twice.

Score: 599

I bet my butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks are too high".

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If apple released iphone 8 and 10 this year Would it release nine eleven next year

Edit : my first 24 hours top 10 thanks all

Score: 474

Donald Trump is like a marshmallow... He's easy to roast, a little orange on top, catches fire easily, and will melt down when he gets under too much heat.

Score: 386

Why do you never see an elephant hiding on top of a tree? Because they're good at it.

Score: 344

Two blondes are locked out of their car... The first blonde is trying to unlock the car using a coat hanger. The second says to the first "hurry up! It looks like it's going to rain and the top's down!"

Score: 342

*At the library* “Do you have a book about the discrimination of dwarves?”

“Left corner, on the top shelf!”

Score: 322

Why is Joey Tribbiani a presenter on Top Gear? It makes no sense, he's not a good driver, he and all his friends are always stuck in second gear

Score: 320

Top Tip Turn your sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife's birthday.

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I asked a librarian if there are any books on discrimination against people in wheelchairs. She replied "Yes, it's up the stairs, on the top shelf to the left."

Score: 294

TIL The U.S is #18 in Mathematics worldwide. At least we're in the top 10.

Score: 251

Girl, you must be a trash can... Because I want to take off your top and stick my junk in you.

Score: 246

Everyone is trying to climb the ladder to success And at the top is a guy named Sess, having the time of his life.

Score: 226

sin and cos are lying down next to each other on the beach when all of a sudden sin jumps on top of cos. cos shouts "what are you doing?" sin replies, "im trying to get tan."

Score: 208

Midget Discrimination A midget asks the librarian,”Do you have any books on midget discrimination?” The librarian replies,”Top shelf”.

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My doctor told me I am anorexic Now I have that to deal with on top of being fat

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Why should you never store meat on the top shelf of the freezer? The steaks would be too high.

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I just got fired from the grocery store for being too violent... ...all I did was put out a sign that said, "take lettuce from top of pile or heads will roll!"

Score: 167

A man burst into a bar with a revolver on his hand The man yelled at the top of his lungs

"WHICH ONE OF YOU HAVE BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE?"

The whole bar went silent, one man stood up and replied

"You're gonna need more than six bullets pal!"

Score: 151

The wife just gave me a massive bollocking for throwing a snowball at our son. To top it off, I've been banned from the maternity ward

Score: 149

The United States is always being hit with tragedies and crises like a bad curse... Just as if it was built on top of an ancient Indian burial ground.

Score: 146

People think my room is a mess, but it's actually very organized Everything is sorted by date of last use. If I used it recently, it's on top of something.

Score: 118

I saw a Buzzfeed article about the top 10 ways to execute someone. Number 3 will shock you.

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Buzzfeeds top 10 list of torture methods Number 7 will shock you

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A physicist sees a man about to jump off from the top of Sears Tower... He yells to him "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Score: 90

What do you call a gold fish wearing a top-hat? Sofishticated

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A man is standing on the top of a tall building about to commit suicide... ...when a physicist at the bottom shouts up, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

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What's orange, has a pointy head, and can take someone to the top? An upvote.

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What does Bernie Sanders say when he gets a haircut? Remove only the top 1% please.

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I'm very good at remembering random facts. For example, there are 3,500 different types of lice.

And that's just off the top of my head.

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An emo and a leaf were sitting at the top of a tree... they both fall off at the same time? Which one hits the ground first?
The leaf.
The emo got caught by the rope.

Score: 44

New Top Jokes

Someone's been secretly dumping top soil on my lawn... The plot thickens...

Score: 10

I made a list of the top 10 dad jokes I know. The first 9 are great but the last is an absolute cracker. 1. Great
2. Great
3. Great
4. Great
5. Great
6. Great
7. Great
8. Great
9. Great
10. An absolute cracker

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Mother receives a telephone call from school telling her they are sending home her son for peeing in the swimming pool. "But everyone does that," she says.
"Not from the top diving board, they don't."

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So the Mrs said she wanted me to be as spectacular as Liverpool in bed ....so I stayed on top for most of it and came second!

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My professor said to put my name on the top of my paper I was super confused. It was just too thin!

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You have a pumpkin. You measure around it. All the way around.

Then you cut the pumpkin in half so the top is separate from the bottom.

Measure across the cut pumpkin.

Divide the circumference by the diameter.

What do you have now?

Pumpkin Pi

Score: 10

What do my barber and the doctor who did my circumcision have in common? They both took too much off the top

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The American economy is like a tree. All the growth goes to the top.

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Why do the English make better lovers than the Germans? Because the English are the only one's who can stay on top for 45 minutes and still come second.

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I took an iq test yesterday on Facebook, as a matter of act... and it told me im a genius! in the *top 99%*!

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Guy running the ski-lift said it would be $50 to get to the top of the mountain... I said "that's a bit steep."

He said "exactly."

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A student asks a scientist about the types of quarks... A student asks a scientist about the types of quarks. The scientist replies "Up, Down, Charm, Top, Bottom"

The student says "I think you missed one?" The scientist replies "Huh, thats Strange."

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The guy driving in front of me didn't indicate, so I screamed at the top of my lungs. He said, "Calm down, mate. Otherwise you can leave my taxi."

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What has a bottom on it's top. Your legs

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What's black and sits at the the top of a staircase ? Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

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A Chinese man stumbles home late one night really drunk... Seeing his wife at the top of the stairs he says "hey baby how about a little number 69!"

The wife replies, "you drunk sonofabitch, make your own Mongolian Beef Stew!"

Score: 20

Just spent the last hour tightening every bottle top and jar in my house… That will teach my wife for saying she doesn’t need me anymore…

Score: 30

A woman goes to the doctors with a piece of lettuce sticking out the top of her underwear The doctor says "that looks nasty", the woman replies "that's just the tip of the iceberg"

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Two blondes are trying to unlock a car.... The first blonde suggests picking it with a clothes hanger. As she struggles to unlock it the other blonde panicks and exclaims,"Hurry up the top is down and it's starting to rain!".

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Cat ownership is like the economy 50% of cats are owned by the top 1% of cat lovers

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I fell off the top rung of a 30 foot ladder today... ... fortunately I was using it upside down.

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What's orange at the top and black at the bottom? Society

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I wrote an article about "The top 10 worst places to stick a fork"... The 5th one will shock you!

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"It's a revolution!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. Scared the rest of the people on the Ferris wheel.

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I got caught looking down a girl's top. I was so embarrassed. I almost slipped off the toilet seat.

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How to catch a bear First, you dig a big hole in the ground out in the woods and you fill it to the top with ash.

Second, place fresh peas all around the hole.

Then when the bear comes up to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.

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Why is top-shelf beef such a risky investment? Because the steaks are so high.

Score: 5

What's the difference between a cult and a religion? In a cult there is one guy at the top who knows that it's all bullshit, in a religion that guy is dead.

Score: 25

20,000 Dots “Your assignment was to produce a piece containing exactly 20,000 dots,” my Art teacher said, “but I only see one.” “They’re on top of each other.” I explained.

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Buzzfeed did a top 10 list of power measurements You'll never believe Watt's number 6

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My doctor said my sprem count was top notch "Well It's hand made"

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I don't know how people in the counter-top business make any money Everything they do is counter-productive

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Why won't I ever make a water feature on top of a mountain where a lot of baby horses are buried? My mom taught me to never make fountains out of foal hills

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A physics student was standing on top of a building, threatening to jump I tried to talk him out of it, because he had so much potential.

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This was the epic top comment on my Joke. " there doesn't seem to be anything here "

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The other day I came across a picture of myself when I used to look good without my top on... ...now my girlfriend thinks I'm a narcissist.

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Why was Donald Trump's top advisor pulled over on his way to the White House? He was rushin'.

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Hey, are you the top of a Lego brick? Because you're a stud.

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Two goats on top of a hill... There are two goats on top of a hill eating grass. One says to the other I wish this was the kind of grass that gets you high. The other says did we not just climb this hill?

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Dinner A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

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Buzzfeed Top 10 least conductive items! Number 6 won't shock you

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whats black and sits at the top of the staircase? stephen hawking after a house fire

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Rain drop, drop top.... Mariah Carey's career ended before the ball dropped.

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A psychic goes to buy clothes Employee: how about this one?

Psychic: That top is too small

Employee: You didn't even try it on

Psychic: I'm a medium

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My wife has a shell tattood on her upper thigh.. And if you lay your ear on top of it, you can smell the sea.

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What's black and sits at the top of the stairs? Stephen Hawkings after a house fire.

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NEW! TOP 100 TAZERS IN AMERICA!! #45 WILL SHOCK YOU!

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A midget walks into a bookstore... ...& asks clerk: 'do you happen to have any books on irony.'

The clerk points to a shelf: 'top row.'

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A husband and a wife were having dinner… … the wife dropped some tomato sauce on her top and said 'ugh, I look like a pig'.

The husband responds 'AND you have tomato sauce on your top!'

Score: 6

A plane crushed on top of a cemetery In the evening news:
So far they found 255 body... but they continue the digging.

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What's white on top and black on the bottom? A: Society.

Score: 31

Why do Trump supporters always have a point? It's on top of their white hood.

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Why are the top elites around the world scrambling to buy school supplies? Because scissors beats Panama papers .

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What's black and sits on top of a staircase? Stephen Hawking in a house fire.

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If you met an eel in a top hat... ...that would be Sir Eel.

(say it out loud)

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I got a new thesaurus. It's terrible. On top of that, it's also terrible.

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What's white on the top and black on the bottom? Society.

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What would George Washington do if he were alive right now? Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.

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Confucius say, man who sits on top of toilet, is high on pot

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Just bought a raffle ticket, top prize a Mediterranean cruise. Last week's was a rollover

Score: 19