Hilarious Traffic Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Traffic Jokes

My wife told me, “If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.” Apparently, “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

Score: 15725

A cop stopped a guy for speeding... He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.

He said, "There is no traffic."

And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

Score: 2615

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...." "anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.

Score: 2023

Apparently if your girlfriend or wife says “ if anything happens to me.... I want you to meet someone new.” “Anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.

Score: 156

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A traffic cop went out of his way to leave a note under my cars wipers to let me know I had positioned my car correctly It said "parking fine". So that was nice

Score: 141

A traffic cop went through the trouble of putting a note on my windshield to let me know I positioned my car correctly. It said 'parking fine' so that was nice.

Score: 133

A man parks his car. As he is getting out a traffic warden walks up and says, "I'm sorry sir, you can't park your car here." ..... ...."Yes I can" says the man. "The sign there says, 'Fine for Parking'!"

Score: 120

Upon reexamination, groundbreaking research suggests a new theory of dinosaur extinction Traffic accidents. Amongst the thousands of dinosaurs unearthed, not one has been found wearing a seat belt.

Score: 102

My girlfriend said to me the other day, “If anything ever happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.” Apparently, getting stuck in traffic doesn’t count as “anything”.

Score: 98

Trump will be President until 2020 It would have been 20:15, but the sniper got stuck in traffic...

Score: 94

Women's underwear is a great example of how you can make something half-assed and it still become very successful Thought of this in traffic yesterday

Score: 88

My girlfriend told me that if anything happened to her, I am free to see other people. Apparently “getting stuck in traffic “ doesn’t count for anything.

Score: 84

What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look at me I'm changing.

Score: 77

What’s the smallest unit of time in the known universe? The interval between the traffic light changing to green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.

Score: 76

A man was pulled over by a police officer for speeding The police officer asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the man replied.
The cop said, "There is no traffic."
The man replied, "That's how far behind I am."

Score: 65

What do you call a traffic jam in Compton? A blood clot

Score: 64

When a cop stopped someone for speeding... Cop - "Sir, Do you know how fast you were just going?"
Man - "I was just trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.
Cop - "There is no traffic."
And the man answered, "That's how far behind I am."

Score: 61

Why did the man smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.

Score: 54

Ugly scenes Ugly scenes in centre of Leicester this evening

An 'anti Trump' protestor threw a traffic cone, narrowly missing US President by 5802 miles

Score: 53

A Duck is standing on the side of the road waiting a for break in the traffic... A chicken walks up to him and says “Don’t do it, you’ll never hear the end of it.”

Score: 53

What's the difference between a red traffic light and a green traffic light? Please answer quickly, I'm almost at the intersection.

Score: 47

What do cars eat on their toast? Traffic Jam.

Score: 45

As the coffin was lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice from inside yelled: “I’m not dead! I’m not dead!” To which the vicar shouted back: “Sorry, the paperwork has already been done.”

Score: 42

A duck was standing on the curb Cars zoomed past the duck while he waited for a break in traffic. A chicken walked up to him and said "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

Score: 38

Driving on an open road and a cop pulls me over Cop: You know how fast you were going?

Guy: Sorry officer, I was just trying to catch up with traffic.

Cop: What traffic? The road is empty.

Guy: Yea, that's how far behind I am.

Score: 38

Why do traffic lights turn red? You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

Score: 35

Heisenberg is out for a drive... Heisenberg is out for a drive when he is stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says: 'Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg then replies, "No, but I know where I am."

Score: 33

I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she said 'treat me like a princess!' I'm having her killed in a traffic accident in Paris.

Score: 33

What did the traffic light say to the car? Don't look, i'm changing.

Score: 31

What do you call a group of cars playing instruments? A Traffic Jam

Score: 19

When a donkey is angry in traffic, what does he do? He honks

Score: 14

What is the best thing about Tiger Woods' arrest? A black man in America finally survived a traffic stop. Progress!

Score: 14

Stuck Behind Traffic A cop pulls a car over for driving too fast. He walks up to the car,

Cop: You were going to fast.

Driver: I was just trying to keep up with traffic.

Cop: There isn't any.

Driver: I know! That's how far behind I am!

Score: 13

A cop stops a speeding guy... - Do you know how fast you were going?
- I was just trying to keep up with traffic!
- There is no traffic...
- Yeah, THAT'S how far behind I am.

Score: 11

A message from my late father... "Caught in traffic. Running behind."

Score: 11

My wife said that if anything ever happened to her, she'd want me to meet someone new. Apparently, getting stuck in traffic doesn’t count as "anything".

Score: 10

This morning on the way to work I wasn't paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights. The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf. The dwarf said "I'm not happy." I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

Score: 9

The Bishop was late for service One day, the Bishop was late for church service.
He said it was traffic, but I don't think he went straight there.

He probably went diagonally.

Score: 9

Which traffic sign allows you to make a U-turn on a highway in the US? Welcome to Louisiana

Score: 7

New Traffic Jokes

There's an ice cream flavor made from auto parts Traffic on the Road

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What would Lorde sing if she was stuck in traffic red light? * I'm waiting for it, that Green light, i want it *

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This must be a confusing time for traffic cops Every driver and their car smells like alcohol but nobody's drunk.

Score: 0

Traffic cop: Is this car licensed? Driver: Yes! Cop: I'll have a beer then!

Score: 1

That awkward moment when you are driving the wrong way and a traffic cop comes around and asks "How are you doing sir" and you answer.. Fine.

Score: 2

What do you call it when a bunch of fruits are in their cars and not going anywhere A traffic jam.

Score: 6

What is the National Flower of Summer? The orange traffic coneflower.

Score: 1

Why is it dangerous to drive near churches? Because there is so much cross traffic.

Score: 3

Why is there a solid traffic line painted down the middle of the corridor of the government office building? So the people coming in late don’t run into into the people going home early.

Score: 5

Why did the chicken cross the road? Because he had pressed the crosswalk button, saw no traffic, and looked both ways.

Score: 3

The dwarf This morning on the way to work I wasn't really paying attention and I drove into the back of a car at some traffic lights.
The driver got out and it turned out he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

Score: 4

I hate sitting in traffic Because I always get run over

Score: 7

A cop pulls over Sleepy Hollow on Halloween night. "Why were you going so fast? Can't you see all of this traffic in front of you? A lot of trick-or-treaters are out tonight."

"Sorry officer, I was just trying to get ahead."

Score: 3

Why are right triangles good drivers? They always obey traffic sines.

Score: 1

What has three eyes and one leg? traffic light

Score: 2

When I was learning to drive, my parents told me I should never be on a highway where the flow of traffic was going more that 80mph. Then I moved to Florida.

Score: 2

What do they call a traffic jam in the Lincoln Tunnel? A Linkin Park.

Score: 1

What is the first thing you do at a traffic light? "I check my twitter, why is that important for the driving exam?"

Score: 1

I had to shut down my company that reduces vehicular congestion in urban cores. The investors said they wanted to see more traffic.

Score: 2

I was stuck in traffic behind a Mazda SUV this morning... it wasn't the greatest car in the whole world. It was just a Tribute.

Score: 5

I recently contested a traffic violation in court. I plead insanity.

Score: 1

When was the first car horn used? Exactly 0.001 seconds after the first traffic light turned green.

Score: 5

I was sitting in traffic today and I got run over.

Score: 5

Crossing guards get mad when you call them what they really are... Human Traffic-ers.

Score: 3

I was sitting in the traffic the other day That's why i got run over.

Score: 2