Hilarious United Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest United Jokes

Score: 14388

These United Airline jokes really need to stop They're being dragged out

Score: 9859

"You're the bomb, no you're the bomb" A compliment in the United States, an argument in the Middle East.

Score: 8614

UPDATE: United Airlines now offering a new addition to their inflight meals chinese takeout

EDIT: if i see one more comment that says "knuckle sandwich" i will kidnap all of you and put you on flight 3411

Score: 5725

If Donald Trump and Mike Pence were on a stranded island, who would survive? The United States of America

Score: 2747

What headphones does United Airlines use? Beats by Dr.

Score: 1968

What happens when you take a joke too far? The 45th President of the United States of America.

Score: 1416

United States 2020 Election results are in! Oh wait sorry this is just for us Russians.

Score: 1239

Why are you flying with United Airlines? Beats me.

Score: 1160

What's the biggest city in the United States? Obesity

Score: 1111

Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking weed. You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.

Score: 1064

How many Americans does it take to change a light bulb? Just kidding, you can't change anything in the United States.

Score: 889

The United States doesn't use torture techniques such as water boarding The prefer the term "tactical baptism"

Score: 617

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still... (•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

In *da* pendent

Score: 606

I remember when I worked at the United Nations And one day one of the secretaries asked me to get Kofi Annan a gram of cocaine.

Of course, I called him immediately.

"Kofi" I said, "right now the only one I can think of is 'oceanic'"

Score: 536

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated... "Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

Score: 510

What’s the difference between the president of Ukraine, and the president of the United States? The president of Ukraine is a comedian, the president of the United States is a joke.

Score: 452

I came here to make a United joke But it looks like I got beat

Score: 422

Things that will get you kicked off an United Airlines flight: 1)Wearing leggings
2)Having an United Airlines ticket

-Dan Regan

Score: 380

I miss the days when the Annoying Orange was just a fictional youtube character And not the President of the United States.

Score: 312

On the bright side of this United Airlines ordeal. At least they won't have any more problems with overbooking.

Score: 312

I just booked some cheap seats from United. They were in the nosebleed section.

Score: 294

The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting. They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.

Score: 263

The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin? Detroit

Score: 244

There is one thing that United got right: their food is just great. I hear they even serve a Chinese take-out now.

Score: 222

It was going to cost me $700 to put down my dog So I booked a United flight instead

Score: 212

I don't want to make a political joke It might get elected as president of the United States

Score: 209

United Airlines will treat you like a King! Rodney King, that is.

Score: 205

What's one advantage of electing a woman president of the United States? We wouldn't have to pay her as much.

Score: 185

So the American people's choices for President of the United States will most likely be Donald Trump or Hilary Clinton. That's it. That's the joke. There is no punchline.

Score: 168

What's the difference between Game of Thrones and United Airlines? One has dragons and the other has drag-offs

Score: 168

Two guys walk into a bar. Psyche! It's just another United Airlines joke.

Score: 154

The United States has such bad luck It's almost as if it was build on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.

Score: 152

It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack. If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.

Score: 147

United should rebrand to Adrenaline... Since they promote "fight or flight".

Score: 137

There is no reason to beat a dead horse Unless it is flying United.

Score: 88

Why do you fly United early in the morning? To beat the crowd.

Score: 87

What's the difference between a triangle and Manchester United ? A triangle has three points

Score: 76

*year 2020* Nurse: Sir, you've been in a coma since 2017 Patient: I thought I was on a United flight.

Nurse: You were but you were volunteered to get off.

Score: 73

I wasnt gonna make any United jokes... But my best friend dragged them out of me.

Score: 58

New United Jokes

United States 2020 Election results are in! Ой, подождите, извините, это только для нас, русских.

Score: 17

What state has the lead in the United States? Pencilvania.

Score: 9

If Snoop Dogg dies before pot is legal in the United States,.. ..He will be rolling in his grave.

Score: 14

trump challenged Tillerson to an IQ test, and there was only one question on the test... If the President of the United States and the President of the US Virgin Islands are in an elevator, how many people are in the elevator?

Score: 11

North Korea's state media is very truthful They accurately portray United States as a country where half of it is burning and half of it is drowning.

Score: 10

Experts are now saying that Hurricane Harvey... is the worst disaster to hit the United States since last November!

Score: 9

The United States Postal Service is, in the interest of gender neutrality, discontinuing the title of "Mailman" and changing it to "Personman".

Score: 12

What six letter word has an opposite meaning when it is reversed? The answer is united. When IT is reversed, it becomes untied.

Score: 7

In Russia, People Don't Choose Russia's President People choose United States president

Score: 23

Why is everybody questioning Trump’s integrity? He is not taking the salary usually given by the United States to be the President. He honestly feels he should not be paid by more than one government.

Score: 20

Have you seen United Airline's on-board menu? I heard their Chinese take-out was especially famous.

Score: 11

What's United's favorite meal? Chinese takeout

Score: 10

United Airlines pays "enormous sum to Dr. Dao who they dragged of plane" Largest bill for Chinese take out to date

Score: 36

I order eggs through United Airlines when making omelets. Because they come pre-beaten.

Score: 12

What's the difference between United Airlines and a magician's hat? You can't pull a live rabbit out of a United jet.

Score: 31

United Airline jokes aren't dead They're just overbooked

Score: 23

Did you hear about the award United Airlines just got? They were voted best in Chinese takeaway!

Score: 10

How is the United States and frozen food the same? Kim Jong Un doesn't have the technology to nuke either of them.

Score: 9

I was gonna make a United Airlines joke about the doctor... But it got carried away

Score: 10

Anyone want 2 free tickets to a fight? I've got seats 29A & B on United flight 1807.

Score: 56

Why did the flock of geese cross the road? Because they were afraid to fly United.

Score: 18

I'm starting to feel that the united airlines memes are like beating a dead horse. so to save everyone some energy I bought the horse a ticket to fly United.

Score: 20

United's Service Has Really Gone Downhill Just 16 yrs ago they flew you right to your office.

Score: 41

Was out of the loop. Asian friend told me United Airlines has the power to deny your liberties He said they punched his rights out.

Score: 14

Have you heard the new United Airlines motto? "One drag a day keeps the doctors away!"

Score: 14

So many failed United Airlines jokes... They just don't get off the ground.

Score: 18

Did you hear... United now offers Red Eye and Black Eye flights?

Score: 8

Yesterday I was beating off while sitting on a United flight. Er, sorry, beaten off.

Score: 11

Sean Spicer, United Airlines CEO and Pepsi's PR team walk into a bar... They're all getting fired, so drinking on a Tuesday is acceptable.

Score: 12

Why did the doctor feel beat after flying United? He had a severe case of jet drag.

Score: 23

That United passenger got the last laugh He didn't leave his seat in the upright position

Score: 7

When you fly United Airlines they treat you like a King. Rodney King that is.

Score: 8

My girlfriend has a new fetish... To be treated like a United Airlines customer

Score: 11

4/5 doctors recommend united airlines You can't beat that!

Score: 31

UA at it again If you can't beat them, join them.

-English saying

If you can't join them, beat them.

-United Airlines over booking policy

Score: 14

I was going to make a joke about the united airlines... But someone already beat me to the punch.

Score: 8

Have you seen that old Nick Cage movie about United Airlines? Con Air.

Score: 11

I think my work is boring and not challenging enough... I think it's time to apply for a United Airlines Spokesperson position!

Score: 11

There was a race to see what company's planes flew fastest United Airlines beat everyone...

Score: 41

What's a United joke you haven't heard yet? Manchester

Score: 33

In order for United Airlines to keep their business... They're really gonna have to have unbeatable prices!

Score: 8

United Airlines should get into the rail transportation business... ...because they have the longest karma train that I've ever seen.

Score: 7

Authorities have released the name of the United passenger from yesterday's incident Soo Yoo

Score: 7

A man went to the United Airlines counter A man went to the United Airlines counter. The ticket agent asked, “Sir, do you have reservations?”
He replied, “Reservations? Of course I have reservations, but I’m flying anyway.”

Score: 24

Why was 1 afraid of 4? United Airlines.

Score: 31

I booked an airline ticket with United Airlines It was a drag

Score: 7

Was going to do United Airlines joke But everyone already United Airlined me to it.

Score: 33

I finally got my seat on United! The whole process was such a drag

Score: 22

Why would the United States ever consider using nukes on North Korea? When we can just send them all our Samsung phones?

Score: 8

I really like oxymorons. Phrases like jumbo shrimp, organized chaos, open secret Or United States of America.

Score: 34

if everyone in the United States drove a pink automobile what would we have? a pink carnation

Score: 8

What's the United States' biggest, most well-known export? Troops

Score: 29

What happens when you take a joke too far? The 45th President of the United States.

Score: 19

The Mexican drug lord El Chapo has been extradited to the United States... It's still unclear which cabinet post he'll be appointed to.

Score: 10

A Muslim enters the United States Oh sorry thought it was still 2016.

Score: 21

Why did the vulture fly United Airlines? Because they allow 1 free carrion

Score: 10

Hillary and Trump crash in a plane, who survives? The United States

Score: 52

Why, with twice the population of the United States at the time didn't China invent the airplane first? Well, two Wongs don't make a Wright.

Score: 7

Mexico was pretty livid when Donald Trump announced his plan to build a wall along the southern border of the United States... ...But once it's erected and complete, I'm sure they'll manage to get over it.

Score: 30

I just read that 25% of women in the United States take medication for mental illness... That's scary! Why do we let 75% of them run around untreated??

Score: 44