Vet Jokes

Schrodinger took his cat to the vet. The vet said, “I have good news and bad news.”

My parrot was just diagnosed with an STD. Vet says he has Chirpees. He said there's no need for concern, because it's a Canarial disease, and it's tweetable.

A man takes his dog to the vet... The vet picks up the dog and looks at him. After a moment he turns to the man. "Sir," he says, "your dog is healthy but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down."

"Why?" the man demanded.

The vet replied, "Because he's heavy."

I drove my daughter's hamster to the vet this morning. I'm getting rather good at golf

I took my dog to the vet The vet picked up the dog and examined him and said "I'm sorry, I've got to put him down".

"Why, what's wrong with him?"

"He's too heavy"

Why did the vet turn away the injured sea animal? Do not accept if seal is broken.

Not quite what she was expecting... Guy: I work with animals every day!

Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own-

Guy: I'm a butcher.

A man takes his dog to the vet to be examined... The vet picks the dog up, looks it over, and then says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

The man asks why.

"He's heavy."

I went to the vet today and saw a baguette in a cage It was bread in captivity

The vet determined that my horse constantly imagines himself to be homeless. He has been declared mentally unstable.

Took my chameleon to the vet cause he stopped changing colors. Doctor says he has a reptile disfunction.

I decided to be naked in front of my dog for the first time today. He didn't even notice. I'm pretty sure the vet did, though.

I took my dying pig to the vet Imagine my surprise when he said he had cured it .. he really knows his salt.

My chameleon couldn’t change colors, so I took him to the vet… Poor guy was diagnosed with ereptile dysfunction.

What kind of weapon does a seasoned vet use? A salt rifle.

Did you hear about the man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray? They say he's a seasoned vet.

Trump can now claim he’s a Vietnam vet ...since he was shot down by North Korea in Hanoi

A guy was at a bar A guy was at the bar, staring into his beer. Thinking how could you do it. How could you sleep with one of your patients. He kept telling himself it doesn't matter. He finally told himself it doesn't matter your still the best vet in town.

Today at work, a male client jumped on me and started licking me. I work at a vet though, so it’s ok.

Vets aren't doctors: Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?

Vet: I treat horses but maybe I can help?

Mom: My son broke his leg!

Vet: Ok hang on. My rifle's in the truck.

Yesterday I saw a car with a boot sticker saying, “I’m a vet, therefore I can drive like an animal.” It was at that moment that I suddenly realized just how many gynecologists there are on the roads.

Jim and Sarah were driving around the countryside when they ran over a skunk. "We better take the skunk to the vet, Sarah. Just put the skunk between your legs to keep it warm." "But, Jim, what about the smell?" "Don't worry, the skunk will get used to it."

I asked my veteran grandfather what’s the most disrespectful question that you can ask a vet? “Why didn’t you become a real doctor?”

My grandfather was a World War 2 Vet In a single day during the Battle of Britain he was responsible for the destruction of 8 German aircraft killing 32 German airmen.


Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe had ever had.

I was told by the vet that i had to put my cat down... So i went home to it and said "You're fat and lazy."

I'm Devastated. After 7 years of medical training a good freind of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He Slept with one of his patients. He was a really nice guy, and a Brillant Vet

What's the worst part about accidentally using glue instead of lube Deciding whether to go to the hospital or the vet

My parrots are stuck together... Pet owner: Vet, vet, my parrots are stuck together!

Vet: I'm sorry, I don't understand - it's toucan fusing

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection. "Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

A doctor slept with one of his patients A doctor slept with one of his patients and was fired for it.
It's a shame really, he was an exceptionally good vet.

As a vet, attention to detail is vital. However, attention to de rest of de animal is important too.

I saw a car with a sticker saying, "I am a vet, therefore, I can drive like an animal"… Suddenly, I realized how many gynecologists there are on the road…

EDIT: spelling

A man is returning to the vet to see if a surgery was successful. The vet says, "Here's the bill. Unfortunately, we couldn't reattach it to your duck."

Why did the bodybuilder go to the vet? Because his pythons were sick

What do you call a retired Marine in a Chevy sports car? A Corps vet in a Corvette.

A man took his goldfish to the vet. "I think that my goldfish is epileptic!" said the man.

"He seems okay; he doesn't look epileptic." replied the vet.

"Well I haven't taken him out of the tank, yet!"

The zoo manager asks the vet over the phone "What can we give to our elephant if it has diarrhea?"

"Space. A lot of space" answered the vet

somebody took my dog while we were waiting in line at the vet i cried out "Somebody stole my Spot!!"

What did the vet say to the farmer about his terminally ill cow? It'll beef alright