Contents
Contents
You gotta hand it to short people because they can't reach it
My father always told me you gotta fight fire with fire Great guy, horrible firefighter.
That's a nice ham you got there. It'd be a shame if someone put an "s" before it and an "e" after it.
That's a nice ham you got there It would be a shame if someone put an "s" in front of it and an "e" behind it
A man walks into a bookstore and asks "Hi, have you got that new book about tiny penises?"
The lady behind the counter says "I don't think it's in yet"
The man says "yep, that's the one".
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to children... Old girlfriends seem to get offended.
Women are like car parking spaces...
Usually, most of the good ones are taken....
So once in a while, you gotta stick it in a disabled one
A man applies for a job as a police officer.
The officer says: Alright, one more thing. Take this gun and go shoot 7 black men and a squirrel.
The man replies: Why the squirrel?
The officer says: I love your attitude, you got the job!
[WP] You are an assassin in WWII trying to find a German defector on a U-boat. Unfortunately you got a little lost on the dock... Whoops, wrong sub.
"Sorry," says the bartender, "I've run out of jokes. Besides, haven't you got this backwards?" A punchline walks into a bar.
Daaaaaaayuuuuuuum girl, are you the newspaper? Cause everyday you got a new issue
You gotta hand it to short people... they can't reach it most of the time.
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says "Doctor, you gotta help me, my wife thinks she's a piano..."
The doc replies, "Well, bring her in and I'll see what I can do."
The man says, "Are you nuts!? Do you know how much it costs to move a piano??"
That's a nice ham you got there It'd be a shame if someone put an "S" in front and an "E" behind it
My sons joke - if you've a cricket ball in one hand, and a cricket ball in the other hand. What have you got? A big cricket.
If you got a butcher who is 6'2, what does he weigh? Meat.
What does Pokemon and a prison break have in common? You gotta catch Jamal.
A man walks into a library
He asks the librarian "Excuse me, have you got the new book on small penises please?"
"I'm sorry, I don't think it's in yet"
"yes that's the one"
Blind prostitutes You gotta hand it to them
Man, you gotta hand it to Elon Musk… He knows how to dispose of a dead body in style.
Dad: Hey son, you got my whatchamacallit?? Son: Yeah I doodad
What happens when you put Nutella on salmon? You got salmonella
I just started going for a sniper training course My trainer told me that sniping is like programming, you gotta C#.
Me: What kind of dog you got? Him: Husky Me (in a lower voice): What kind of dog you got?
That's a nice ham you got there...
...be a shame if someone...
...put an 's' at the start and an 'e' at the end....
...wouldn't it?
Me: That’s a cute dog you got there. Whats her name?
Cop: Diesel, she sniffs out drugs
Me: Still in training?
Cop: What?
Me: What?
What's the worst part of getting locked out of your car outside of an abortion clinic? You gotta go inside and ask for a coat hanger
When my granddad was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, I can still remember the very first thing I said to him. “Have you got that five grand I lent you?”
I walked into a library.
"Have you got any books on single life?" I asked the librarian.
"Sorry," she said. "They're all taken."
A man was worried about getting a circumcision so he asks his friend for advice
“Jimmy, you got a circumcision right? How long did it take you to recover?”
“Well, I got it when I was three days old and I wasn’t able to walk for 11 months after it”
This kid is dragging a chain down the road and it's bangin' and clanging and making so much noise. An old man pops out of a house and shouts "Son, why you gotta drag that chain?" and the kid replies "Sir, have you ever tried to *push* a chain?"
This dude walks into a library and asks the librarian "have you got any books on paranoia"? The librarians says, "They're right behind you"!
Why is autism less frequently diagnosed in non vaccinated kids? You gotta be alive to have autism.
What do you have when you got a bag of weed and a bottle of Jack Daniel's? Jackpot!
Ever been to Prague You gotta Czech it out
A man orders a shot of ever spirit in the bar, downs them all and says to the barman "I probably shouldn't have had all of those with what I've got". "Why?", asks the concerned barman, "what have you got?" "About two dollars and some loose change." Replies the man.
You gotta hand it to the blind prostitute. .. ...
I told my son to get an education.
He said, "I won't."
I said, "Why?"
He said, "Cause you got one and now you're married with five kids."
Nice ham you got there Would be a shame if you put it between an s and an e.
A child asked his mother when you got pregnant with me, did you want a boy or girl? Nether, I wanted the remote under the Couch.
I went into a shop and asked “Have you got any bulldog clips?” The shopkeeper replied “No, but I’ve got a nice video of a Jack Russell”.
If you used your stimulus money to buy chicks then you got Money for nothin' and chicks for free
You got gonnorhea from Tiger Woods? *Golf clap.*
What did the dipole say to another?
"Have you got a moment?"
(Needs big chemistry knowledge to understand this one)
Went into the pet shop to buy a wasp,
The owner said they didn’t sell them.
I said “why have you got one in the window then?”
What did putin say to the criminal
You got putin jail
#Gottem
Me to Banana: Show me what you got Banana: K
She said, "boy, I know you got ulterior motives. You can't fool me." I told her, "nah, girl I got one clear motive." ^to fill this ever-deepening void of loneliness.
How do you know you got everything on a trip to home depot? Easy, you're on your third trip to Home Depot.
You got some sodium hypobromite? NaBrO
Why do people ask if you got a haircut when it’s completely obvious? I’ve been on chemo for over a year now and you just noticed?!
You gotta be careful around anyone these days... I was walking down the street at 7:30 yesterday and a guy pulled out a SCISSORS. Luckily I was agile enough to reach into my pocket and pull out a rock. Coz if I had pulled out paper, man I would have lost.
Consent is golden. Duct tape is sliver. And sometimes, you gotta come in second place.
Susie, you got half the problems wrong. That's okay, Dad. I want to be a meteorologist when I grow up
"Have you got any books on favouritism?" I asked the librarian. She said, "Not for you."
What is Danzig's Favorite Computer
Lattitude, the one you got, oh baby
Lattitude, the one you got, oh baby
Lattitude, Lattitude
People are like clothes. You gotta separate the whites from the colored.
Your wife and your attorney are drowning. You got two options... Go golfing, or go bowling
Only in Houston is it considered appropriate to ask a stranger How many inches you got?
What if you died you got stats
Something like:
Hours on the internet: 46284. |
Burpees done: 1.25. |
Hours spent crying in a shower: 6627
The French may be selfish, ungrateful Anglophobes, but you gotta give 'em credit. They are always there when they need us.
You know why hurricanes are named after women names? Because they take away your car, your house and everything you got...
I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
One day Darth Vadar said to Luke Skywalker
I know what you got for your birthday.
Luke looked at him and said "how do you know that?"
Darth Vadar replied "I can feel your presents".
If you got caught cheating in 2017 All you have to say is "the Russians hacked my erection!"
Why are there so many white people up north? You gotta keep mayo refrigerated.
A cucumber walks into a bar
A cucumber walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "you got any ID?"
The cucumber hands him his license.
The bartender looks at the picture and goes, "nice try but this is obviously a pickle."
Eyyyy bb, were you issued a Senegalese skydiver's certification? Because you got permission to jump in Dakar.
You gotta learn to trust your government. *leans into hidden mic* Just like I do!
Two different testicles
Doctor: You got two different testicles. One is made of wood and the other one is metal.
Man: * **surprised** *
Doctor: Do you have children?
Man: Yes, two - Pinocchio is 3 and Terminator will be 7 soon.
"Wow, John, that's an interesting haircut you got. Do you like it?" "It'll grow on me."
This guy goes to a psychiatrist...
...and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. My wife thinks she's a refrigerator!"
Doctor says, "That's terrible!"
Guy says, "You don't know the half of it. She sleeps with her mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake!"
Are you a parking ticket?
"Because you got fine written all over you."
-Glenn Quagmire
P.S. heh heh, ohh riggght.
If you are Russian for time... You gotta quit Stalin.
You gotta hand it to the valet... How else are you gonna get your car back?
A drunk staggers into the confessional booth at church...
The priest enters the other side and asks: Can I help you my son?
In a strained grunting voice, the drunk says: Yeah, have you got any paper?
A Drywaller walks into a Bar..
A drywaller walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get Out!"
Drywaller asks, "Why?"
Bartender says, "because the last time you were here you got Plastered!"
You gotta hand it to Donald Trump... He's the only orange that makes you say "mmm, peach!"
Nice ham you got there! It would be a shame if someone added an 'S' and an 'E'
A man runs into an old salty sea captain on the docks of Boston harbor and says, "Cap'm, can't help but noticin'...you got a steerin' wheel secures to yer crotch there." Sea captain removes the pipe from 'tween his teeth and says, "Aye. It's drivin' me nuts."
I bet I can guess where you got your shoes You got em on your feet!
Doctor and the Patient
Dr.- your case is quite complicated.
Patient- why doctor? What has happened?
Dr.- You got a disease from the chapter which I left for option during my studies...
That's a nice ham you got there... It'd be a shame if someone added an s and an e to it...
You gotta love the baby boomers though, they gave us housing To look at
Do you like food and travel!?
Why should you got to Jerusalem for the food?
Because israeli good.
Origami is like Poker... You gotta know when to fold
Special skills
Interviewer: Have you got any special skills?
Me: I will never die!
Interviewer: How is that possible?!
Me: Dreams never come true
The Pirates pants
A Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants. The bartender says to him "why have you got a steering wheel on your pants isn't that annoying".
The Pirate says "Aye its driving me nuts".
You gotta think about all those April 1st birthdays... Their birthday parties must be a joke!
Friend: man, you got to help me. I hit a squirrel driving my car. I feel awful, what should I do? Me: Why'd you let it drive your car in the first place?
You gotta love your job.... My dream job is cleaning mirrors, that's a job I can see myself doing
If you gotta pee but there's no toilet in sight... ...urine big trouble
LPT: How to make friends with girls in an instant
Just tell a girl "I love you"
She' ll reply : " No, i just want us to be friends"
There you go, you got now a girl----friend.
Keep counting..
That's a nice sham-wow you got there... It would be a shame if someone replaced the wow with the letter e
What does Pokemon Go and a policeman have in common? You gotta catch Jamal
A man asks his friend if he wants to play another round. He replies with "Na." The first guy asks the second guy 'Why you gotta be so salty?"
I bet i can tell you where you got your shoes. You got'em on your feet.
Hey baby, have you got a time machine? Cuz' I could go back in time to approach you with a better pickup line than this one
You got problems with parenting...
You start to get headaches. I follow the instructions on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two and keep away from children."
you gotta hand to short people. Because they can't reach it.
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