Hilarious 1000 Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest 1000 Jokes

How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.

Score: 21727

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

Score: 8010

I made a 1:1000 000 scale model german submarine it's a pretty good μ-boat

Score: 6262

I failed my math exam because I couldn’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals IM LIVID

Score: 2101

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals I M LIVID

Score: 1983

When do you start on red and stop on green? When you're eating a watermelon!

Edit: wow, this is my highest rated post. Finally broke the 1000 karma barrier thank you all

Score: 1842

My doctor said if I get 1000 upvotes he will perform free LASIK surgery!! Upvote for visibility.

Score: 1714

My friend just hired a limo for £1000 but it didn't come with a driver Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it

Score: 960

I had a joke about time travel but you guys didn’t like it. So I choose not to post it this time around

Edit: Thanks for the 1000 upvotes this time guys!
( Edited when I only had 27)

Score: 709

Score: 651

Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son? Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa

Edit: Can't believe i got 1000 upvotes , Thanks Dad

Score: 612

Last night a movie theater was robbed of $1000 dollars. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal and a pack of skittles.

Score: 296

What do you call a $1000 door? A grand entrance

Score: 214

What do you call an oil stain that lasted for 1000 years? Ancient grease

Score: 175

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won’t think twice... Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember.

Because elephants never forget

Score: 163

What do you call 1000 soldiers with no legs? An army.

Score: 162

The difference between a rock band and a jazz group The rock band will play 3 chords in front of 1000 people.

The jazz group will play 1000 chords in front of 3 people.

Score: 114

They say the average high school prom goer now spends $1000 on prom Or $2000 if you count the abortion.

Score: 107

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice... Call her fat once and she will never forget. That's because elephants never forget.

Score: 99

I burned 1000 calories today... Forgot I had a pizza in the oven.

Score: 93

My son said he wants to sleep with 1000 women before he reaches 30. I said, "Don't be stupid, you have to sleep with 30 first."

Score: 86

How do you milk a sheep? Release another iPhone for $1000.

-Credit to my buddy at work

Score: 72

What do you call 1000 aches? A *kilohurtz*.

Score: 58

I have 600 legs, 30 arms, a pair of wings, and 1000 eyes. What am I? A liar.

Score: 56

I ordered 1000 kg of Chinese soup It was won ton.

Score: 46

When a statistician goes through airport security, they find a bomb in his bag. He explains, "The chances that there is one bomb on a plane is 1/1000. The chance there are two bombs on a plane, is 1/1,000,000. Therefore we are much safer."

Score: 42

If you call a girl beautiful 1000 times she won't really notice. But if you call her fat once, she will never forget... That's because elephants never forget.

Score: 37

Did you hear about the Native American who drank 1000 glasses of tea? He drown in his tea pee.

Score: 33

Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't notice. Call a girl fat once and she'll never forget... Because elephants never forget.

Score: 33

Why was 110 afraid of 111? Because 111 1000 1001

Score: 30

What do 1000 animated zombies eat? Fraaaaaaames....

Score: 26

1 and 1000 got high and shot each other in the arms 1000 cried in pain. 1 was ok because he was a little number.

Score: 8

I was talking to my wife... She asked me: how do I look?
I said: a thousand times prettier than last time
Really?
Unfortunately, 1000 times 0 is still 0

Score: 7

My girlfriend says if this post will get 1000 upvotes she'll start to exist :'(

Score: 6

A college lecturer asks his students who is poorer... A man with $1000 but is $750 in debt, or a man with $250. The hall is silent for a moment, then a student stands up and answers

"Me."

Score: 5

My friend was ashamed of impulse buying a $1000 mattress I asked him to sleep on it

Score: 5

I forgot how to write "1, 1000, 51 5 1 500" in Roman numerals. I M LIVID!

Score: 5

I have no home button. ..and I work at your place.

You can call me and I know your face.

I cost $1000 although some think me a waste.

What am I ?

That's right. A high class hooker.

Score: 5

What's the difference between a chickpea and a green pea? Trump wouldn't pay $1000 to have a green pea on him.

Score: 4

It seems I cannot remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in roman numerals. IM LIVID

Score: 3

New 1000 Jokes

What do you call it when someone kills someone with a 1000 degree knife? 1000th degree murder

Score: 0

Hi I need to buy a monitor stand Salesman: that will be $1000

Score: 1

I managed to read a 1000 page long book from cover to cover. The dictionary.

Score: 1

A man goes to the lawyer: A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?”

Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”

Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”

Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?”

Score: 1

What did Loki get after a 1000 squat workout? A Thor Asgard.

Score: 1

My gf broke up with me while I was making a vlog. So if you liked this video, leave a like, subscribe, and hit that bell for notifications. If we can get this video to 1000 likes, I'll make another video on the hangman challenge.

Score: 2

What do you call it when you can't shot a 1000 pound cow? A big missed steak.

Score: 2

1000 years from now our president will probably be a computer. a ***racist*** computer.

Score: 1

How do you kill 1000 flies at once? Swat an Ethiopian

Score: 2

I just burned 1000 calories My pizza is gone.

Score: 3

I clearly remember the last words of my Indian grandfather. "You must bring change in your country".

I never felt the meaning of them so profoundly than when I wanted a bag of crisps with a 1000 rupee bill.

Edit: grammar

Score: 2

Babe, you're like a star that burns brighter than 1000 suns. Because your period is about a week long.

Score: 2

My new 1000 watt sound system is great! I can control the volume of my neighbor's banging on my door.

Score: 1

A man walks into 1000 bars... and is crushed to death

Score: 1

Girl gets 1000 instagram followers **changes page setting to "public figure"**

Score: 1

If this post gets 1000 up votes me and my wife will make a baby Just kidding I always pull out of these things

Score: 2

I'm building a new computer with 1000 terrabytes of hard drive space... I'm calling it the peta file server.

Score: 1

A man goes to the lawyer: “What is your fee?” Lawyer says: “1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”

Man: “Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”

Lawyer: “Yes, what is your third question?”

Score: 3

call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she won't remember... Call her fat once and she will never forget.

Thats because elephants never forget =)

Score: 3