Abraham Lincoln Jokes

My dad’s joke was “you know, I was named after Abraham Lincoln.” (person is confused since his name was Jim.) He then responds, “We’ll, I wasn’t named before him!”

Son: "I don't want to walk to school tomorrow, dad!" Dad: "When Abraham Lincoln was your age son, he had to walk 12 miles each day to get to school!" Son: "Well dad..." "...when Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was president!"

If Abraham Lincoln was alive today... He'd be desperately clawing at the lid of his coffin.

I was named after Abraham Lincoln. People get confused because my name is Kyle Blankinship.

But like I said, I was named after Abraham Lincoln; Not before..

What do Abraham Lincoln and an '80s sitcom have in common? Both were shot before a live audience.

My sister is a theater teacher and asked her class, "What would the world be like without theater?" One of her students replied, "Well, Abraham Lincoln would've lived a bit longer."

If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he be famous for? Old age.

What did Abraham Lincoln say after a three-day drinking spree? "I freed the what?"

What would Abraham Lincoln say if he found out there was a movie about him slaying vampires? What's a movie?

Did you hear about the new Abraham Lincoln sitcom on ABC? Shot in front of a live studio audience.

What did Abraham Lincoln say when he was falesly accused of a crime? "I'm in a cent"

Why was Abraham Lincoln never impeached? Because he is in-a-cent.

The police break into Abraham Lincolns house... When they find him, he says "Don't arrest me, I'm in a cent!"

I think if Abraham Lincoln were alive today... He would probably look around, scream, and then desperately claw at the inside of his coffin.

Why didn't the cops ever charge Abraham Lincoln? Because he was always in a cent.

A week before Abraham Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland... A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.

Who has freed more black people than Abraham Lincoln? Maury

If Abraham Lincoln were alive right now, he'd probably say... ...why is it so dark in here?

TIL Abraham Lincoln is the only president that cannot be convicted of a crime Because he's innocent.

Abraham Lincoln could never call himself a republican today. Because he was murdered while watching a play in 1865.

If it weren’t for Abraham Lincoln,... America would have really gone South.

“You should be ashamed,” a father tells his young son. “When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.” “Really?” the son responds.
“Well, when he was your age, he was president.”

Don't believe everything you see on internet just because there is a famous person's name next to it. -Abraham Lincoln

What do Abraham Lincoln and Peyton Manning have in common? Neither can finish a play.

Why didn't Abraham Lincoln go to jail? Because he was in-a-cent!

Apparently Abraham Lincoln kept extremely detailed records of every single tree he cut down, detailing the type of tree, dimensions, even the location where it was cut, and more. They're called the Lincoln Logs.

Did you know Abraham Lincoln was jewish? He was shot in the temple

What do Abraham Lincoln and Ryan Fitzpatrick have in common? Neither of them can finish a play

Dad: When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked miles to school, uphill, in the snow, every day. Son: Yeah?! Well when Abraham Lincoln was your age, Dad, he was president!

How come Abraham Lincoln never went to jail? Because he was in a cent

Abraham Lincoln walks out in his garden in heaven and sees his neighbor in his own garden Abraham: "Your grass is getting long, shouldn't you cut it?"
Neighbor: "Yeah... You know, I used to have people for that..."

Abraham Lincoln was so nice Even his war was civil

Who is my dog's favorite president? Bark Obam—

NO. THAT IS NOT EVEN A PRESIDENT, STEVE. MY FAVORITE IS ABRAHAM LINCOLN. TELL THEM.

But then it won't be funny.

STEVE.

...my dog's favorite president is Abraham Lincoln.

Donald Trump went to sleep. He was dreaming and he saw Abraham Lincoln. He asked him what is the best way for him to serve the country. Abraham Lincoln then said "go see a play".

I had an axe that once belonged to Abraham Lincoln... The head was replaced once and the handle twice but I got documented proof it belong to Abraham Lincoln.

A history teacher asked his class "If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, what would he have to say about the NFL protests?" A student raised his hand and said "If Abraham Lincoln were alive today, he'd probably say 'LET ME OUT OF THIS BOX'"

Abraham Lincoln and I have a lot in common, you know. We’re both ugly, depressed, and tell bad jokes.

You know... KFC'S business has been booming ever since Abraham Lincoln became president

Apparently Abraham Lincoln was falsely accused of several crimes for almost a hundred years. Good thing they eventually found him in a cent.

(This is probably a repost. Didn't bother to check.)