Hilarious Alcoholic Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Alcoholic Jokes

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

Score: 20292

When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.

Score: 12127

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister It tastes the same but it's just not right.

Score: 7901

Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister... it tastes the same, but it's just not right.

Score: 2750

What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one.

Score: 1769

Score: 1212

What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? They both like to pop open a nice cold one.

Score: 997

When I drink alcohol, everyone says I'm an alcoholic. But when I drink Fanta, no one says I'm fantastic.

Score: 624

"My wife suffers from a drinking problem" "Is she an alcoholic?"

"No I am, but she is the one who suffers"

Score: 604

So a boy asks his father what's an alcoholic The father says, "see those 4 trees over there? An alcoholic would see 8 trees"
The boy replies, "but dad, I only see two trees!"

Score: 462

An alcoholic wakes up in jail He asks the first police officer he sees "why am I here?"

the officer replies "for drinking"

The man replies "great, when do we start?"

Score: 444

A kid asked his dad.. Kid: Dad, what is an alcoholic?
Dad: You see these 4 cars, an alcoholic would see 8 cars.
Kid: But there are only 2 cars.

Score: 344

I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink on days that start with letter T. Tuesday, Thursday and Today.

Edit: Also Tomorrow.

Score: 306

An alcoholic walks into a candy store... The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"

The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"

"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"

"What is that?"

"It's liquor-ish"

Score: 304

Mom: Son, why don't you talk to Steven anymore? You used to be best friends! Son: Well, would you talk to someone who is stupid, does drugs, and is an alcoholic?

Mom: Of course not!

Son: Well, neither would he.

Edit: a word

Score: 290

"You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" is terrible advice for a recovering alcoholic.

Score: 251

What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one

Score: 223

A son went up to his dad and said “What is an alcoholic?” The Dad said “You see those four trees over there? Well an alcoholic would see eight.
Then the son said “But I only see two.”

Score: 215

What do a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one

Score: 174

When the Hulk goes into an uncontrollable fit of rage he's "incredible" When I do it I'm an "alcoholic"

Score: 169

What do an alcoholic and a necrophile have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one.

Score: 157

What’s a horses favorite alcoholic beverage? Chardoneigh

Score: 137

When I drink Alcohol, everybody says I'm an Alcoholic.. When I drink Fanta, nobody says I'm Fantastic.

Score: 134

When I drink too much alcohol I’m called an alcoholic, but when I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me...
Or texts me... or talks to me... I’m very lonely.

Score: 132

Old Soviet joke People are waiting in a long line like to buy vodka. Finally one alcoholic snaps and screams - 'I can't take it, I'll go kill Gorbachev!' And leaves the store. 10 minutes later he come back and says. 'The line to kill Gorbachev is even longer.'

Score: 129

Why Did The Alcoholic Comedian Quit Performing? He couldn't handle the boos.

Score: 127

What is an alcoholic Mexican's favorite book? Tequila Mockingbird

Score: 123

Mario is a recovering alcoholic... haunted by the thought of Boos.

Score: 122

Non-alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister. It tastes the same but it's still wrong.

Score: 122

A son went to ask his father what's an alcoholic. So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

Score: 101

How does an alcoholic decide how much beer to drink? On a case-by-case basis.

Score: 67

What does an alcoholic do when he is out of beer? Wine

Score: 53

What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? They both love to crack a cold one.

Score: 52

What do you call an alcoholic eating grapes? Impatient.

Score: 44

What's a alcoholic Jack asks his father "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" The dad says "You see those 4 trees over there, if you see eight it means your an alcoholic." the son replies with "But dad I only see two"

Score: 44

What does an alcoholic do when he's out of beer? Wine

Score: 36

What do a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? Every night they pop open a cold one.

Score: 20

A kid asks his dad what a alcoholic is The dad says "you see those 2 trees? A alcoholic would see 4"

The kid replies with "but dad, there is only 1 tree"

Score: 20

"Dad, what's an alcoholic?" "Son, do you see those 4 trees? well, an alcoholic would see 8."

"But dad, i only see 2."

Score: 17

What makes an alcoholic and a necrophiliac similar? Both like to crack open a cold one

Score: 16

New Alcoholic Jokes

What's the name of Buzz Light year's alcoholic brother? Bud Lightyear.

Score: 0

How do you identify an alcoholic nun? Because of her Wine Habit

Score: 0

My computer told me to enter the Space Bar... ...I couldn't do it because I'm an alcoholic in recovery.

Score: 2

If a guy in a wheelchair drinks a lot of alcohol... Does that make him a crippled crippling alcoholic?

Score: 0

What is Donald Trump's favorite Alcoholic drink? A White Russian.

Score: 2

My alcoholic father is like the mail Delivered.

Score: 2

What does an alcoholic cry? Beerdrops.

Score: 8

How did the alcoholic cat live for so long? He had nine livers.

Score: 3

What do you call a rhino that drinks too much wine? An alcoholic obviously

Score: 1

An alcoholic midget can only get sightly tipsy He'll always be a little drunk

Score: 2

I asked an alcoholic friend why he never shut his curtains. I asked an alcoholic friend why he never shut his curtains, turns out he loves natural light.

Score: 8

Mr. Alligator was 45, single, and a rampant alcoholic. He had hit croc-bottom.

Score: 1

I saw a clown drinking an alcoholic drink while doing death defying stunts. I told him, "That's whiskey."

Score: 3

What is the most Canadian non-alcoholic drink? American beer.

Score: 3

Help! I need activity suggestions. I’m going to hang out with my father, first thing tomorrow morning. He’s a retired Naval officer and an alcoholic. What do you do with a drunken sailor, early in the morning??

Score: 13

How does an alcoholic keep up their morale? With More ale

Score: 4

My Dad has a strange hobby, he likes to collect empty liquor bottles... ...well it sounds so much better than calling him an alcoholic.

Score: 4

A woman was told by her doctor that she could no longer touch anything alcoholic... So she got a divorce

Score: 3

Have you heard about the obese, alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted was to eat, drink and be Mary.

Score: 15

An alcoholic goes into a bar And sees a sign "All you can drink: $30".

Tells the bartender "I'll take two".

Score: 4

A meth user, An alcoholic, and a prostitute are all in a car. Who's driving? The Police.

Score: 12

What's Kurt Cobain's favorite alcoholic beverage? He likes some shots!

Score: 1

At my university the only way to have a mini-fridge in my room is to have a medical condition... Apparently being an alcoholic doesn't qualify...

Score: 2

“My wife suffers from a drinking problem.” “Oh is she an alcoholic?”

“No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.”

Score: 3

Why did the alcoholic not become a lawyer? He could not pass the bar.

Score: 1

I've been sober for 14 years now I'm not an alcoholic, just an annoying kid on the Internet

Score: 2

I went on a blind date with a recovering alcoholic and as the night wore on I really came to despise her.. I listened to that little voice in the back of my head and decided to give her a shot.

Score: 1

Two chemists walk into a bar. One of them orders an alcoholic drink. The other says "I'll have double of what he has." He died of butanol poisoning.

Score: 2

A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.

Score: 2

My wife suffers from a drinking problem “My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”
-
“Oh is she an alcoholic?”
-
“No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.

Score: 9

As a pack a day smoker, instead of quitting cold turkey, I decided I'd only smoke when I drank So I became an alcoholic

Score: 5

The hyperbolic alcoholic... has a few drinks every once in a while.

Score: 3

What do you call an alcoholic on a two week binge? Fired.

Score: 2

Alcoholism A son walks up to his dad to ask him about alcoholism.

Son: "dad, what is an alcoholic?"
Father: "do you see those four trees over there? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."
Son: "but dad, I only see two!"

Score: 4

A man is at a business conference, and he's looking for something to drink that's non-alcoholic. He asks the waiter where the line is for punch. The waiter points at a sign that reads... [Punchline]

Score: 1

My lady friend keeps calling me an alcoholic Good thing we're not supposed to use labels

Score: 2

I just had a huge psychological breakthrough. I think I finally understand why I'm an alcoholic. Let's celebrate! Drinks are on me!

Score: 2

What do you call an alcoholic sitting on a boulder? On the rocks

Score: 1

If beer is basically bread in a bottle, what is beer from India? Naan-alcoholic

Score: 1

If someone drinks alcohol. If someone drinks alcohol they're an alcoholic, does that mean if someone drinks Fanta they're fantastic.

- dad

Score: 12

What do you call an alcoholic mailman? De-livered

Score: 10

I'm a recovering alcoholic. One more glass of water and I'll be fine.

Score: 4

Do you know who isn't an alcoholic any more? George Best.

Score: 2

Called my doctor about hearing loss, he asked me what were the symptoms. I told him it was a show on Fox about an abusive alcoholic father, but that's hardly relevant.

Score: 1

I would rather be called a drunk than an alcoholic. Because alcoholics have to go to all those meetings.

Score: 1

What's an Alcoholic Islamic extremists worst nightmare? A-Locked-Bar

Score: 3

What do you call a middle aged man on a moped? An alcoholic.

Score: 2

What does an alcoholic say if he sees a hot chick? I wanna liquor.

Score: 2

My doctor asked me how much do I drink per week... I'm sorry but I'm an alcoholic, not an accountant

Score: 3

A man walks into a bar He is an alcoholic and is ruining his family.

Score: 2

I'm an alcoholic and my wife is an enabler She said if I keep drinking, she'll leave me

Score: 3

Why did the alcoholic undertaker go bankrupt? He spent all his money on biers and preaches.

Score: 4

What's an alcoholic's least favorite part of a baseball game? The bottom of the fifth.

Score: 15

Some say that beer is soda with soul... No wonder ginger ale isn't alcoholic!

Score: 10

They say drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister. I wouldn't know because I've never drank non-alcoholic beer.

Score: 1

I don't drink alcohol. I drink distilled spirits. So I'm not an alcoholic. I'm spiritual.

Score: 11

Did you know that my alcoholic friend only weighs two pounds? Long story short, my bud light.

Score: 9

why didn't the alcoholic become a lawyer? because he couldn't pass the bar

Score: 9

Thought my friend was an alcoholic because he wouldn't shut up about the bar turns out he was studying to be a lawyer

Score: 4

I used to have an imaginary friend, he was an alcoholic... I called him Dad.

Score: 1