My boss: “You’re fired.”
Me: *turns in gun and badge*
My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”
I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?" I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"
My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”
I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”
He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”
So I went away and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.
I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".
My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."
I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great, I love being my own boss.
a guy got an Interview for a job with EA
Boss: the second part of your resume is missing
Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$
Boss: welcome on board
As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.
My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes It was the end of my Korea
I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday. My boss said, “Clean our your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”
I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a wee cough"
The boss said "You have a wee cough?"
I said "Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!"
Boss perv I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.
I asked my boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”
He said, “It's May.”
“Sorry.”, I replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”
My boss touched me inappropriately at work today But it's okay, i'm self-employed
My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
"I love my job!" said the farmer
"All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.
"What did you say?" said the farmer.
"You herd me."
IT guy John is being shown around the office by his new boss. They enter the IT department and John sees a man using two keyboards at once. "That's incredible", says John. "Trust a geek to use two keyboards at once". "Hey!" replied his boss. "That's stereotyping. "
"I love my job!" said the farmer
"All you do is boss us around all day" said the sheep
"What did you say?" said the farmer
"You herd me" said the sheep
My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied: "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
A man walks into the bar...
The bartender: "Hi Dave!"
The boss faints.
I told my boss I needed a raise to stay at work because there are three different companies showing interest in me... He asked me which companies and I told him, "The gas, electric, and cable ones"
My boss said my math skills are average. That's just mean.
BOSS: What's going on here?
BOSS: What's going on here?
JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife
I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today He said “Dream on.” I think that was really nice of him.
At the end of the day, a border collie reported back to the grazier, "All fifty sheep accounted for, boss!"
"Wait, I only have 48 sheep!" he replied.
"I know," said the dog, "but I rounded them up."
I was in a Uber today and the driver said,
"I love my job, I'm my own boss.
Nobody tells me what to do…"
Then I said "turn left"
My boss pulled up to work today in his brand new Lincoln As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!" He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."
The boss has to lay off one person from his department and he's narrowed the choice down to Ann or Jack. First he invites Ann in.
The boss says "I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off"
"You better jack off, I've got a headache"
BOSS: I've called you here because I suspect one of you
is an owl?
*everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head is turned 180°*
I was hungover this morning so I phoned work and said to the boss...
.. "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."
"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."
I got fired today from my summer job as a massage therapist My boss said I rubbed people the wrong way
The next time your boss asks you to start your presentation with a joke... ...attach your payslip on the first slide.
Employee: We should stop testing our products on animals.
Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time!
Employee: Yeah but we make hammers...
What do you call a nerd after highschool? Boss
As I'm walking in to work this morning my boss told me to "Have a good day" Who am i to argue? Thanked him and came straight back home
This happened at a meeting with my boss:
Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?
Me: I Excel at it!
Boss: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?
Why did the programmer talk to his boss? Because he wanted arrays
My boss asked me to fix the plug on his lamp... I simply refused.
What do you call a man whose wife was the Queen, his daughter a Princess and his boss an Emperor, but he himself is no royal? Darth Vader.
My dead boss asked “where do you see yourself in 5 years?” in an interview in 2015.
In your place, I replied.
2020 is really trying to make that happen.
My boss told me that he was sending me abroad for a business meeting I waited all day and he did not send any girl over
“I love me job!” exclaimed thar farmer. “All ye do be boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did ye say?” challenged thar farmer. The sheep glared back and growled... You herd me.
What did the boss say to the chemist when a problem arised? Well, if you don't have a solution, be ready for a suspension.
I told my boss I needed a raise, and that I had three companies after me.
“All right, fine, here’s your raise. By the way, which three companies?”
“Gas, Water, and Electric.”
Last Christmas, the boss promised everybody a little something crisp and green in our year-end paychecks. After New Years he had to promise that never again would he put freeze dried frogs into our paychecks.
A new programmer on the job goes to his boss.
"How should I name my variables? Do I use all small letters, and separate words with underscores?"
The boss thinks for a moment, lights up a cigarette, and says, "No, that's not the case."
I've worked in a restaurant for a couple of weeks now
A customer wanted his steak rare today but I messed up and it was medium.
My boss says that I'll get fired if I make another Misteak
A boss forwards an email to his secretary and inquires whether it is from his lawyer or his tailor. The email read: SUIT IS READY, TRIAL ON MONDAY.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders? It's either my way or Norway!
My boss fired me for hr reasons. He said I made too many Asian jokes about their dialect. It was the end of my Korea. I'm still China another job.
I was ecstatic when I received a job offer to be spider man. But it was such a shame when my Nigerian boss fired me, after mistaking me for an ‘appalling’ private detective he had also hired.
My boss with schizofrenia My boss is such a nice guy. I am a hunter and im not really good at it. Even though he has a mental illness such as schizofrenia he always pays me triple for each kill
I hear Disney is doing a live-action remake of Snow White...
...one of the dwarves is rumored to be played by Bagel Boss Short King.
I think he’ll play Bashful.
Boss: you have been absent since 3 days in the week. Do you know what that means? Me: It's Wednesday
A new barista got hired at a coffee shop. After the first month, he was still using the wrong grind settings for different brewing methods. The boss pulled him aside, shaking his head at the coffee. “These are grounds for termination,” he said.
I lost my friend after a climbing incident. He got made a boss and became an arsehole.
Boss: Hey great job today! I’ll make sure there’s something a little different on your paycheck next week.
Employee: Wow really?!
Boss: Yea, the date.
My boss told me I was getting a big bonus with two digits before the comma the bad news is She's European so it's only €12,89
I forgot it there was a tropical dress code, today at work. I showed up in a heavy raincoat.
My boss (who was angry with me): What the heck Johnson! Didn't you get my email on the dress code?
Me: I take it you've never been to a tropical rain forest.
What do you call a crime boss with acne? A pimple
What do you call a professional chef whose specialty is traditional Vietnamese dishes? He’s the Pho King, boss!
Employees were discussing classical music pieces.
The boss came up to them.
He said, “Get Bach to work!”
I asked my boss if he'd run over a few things with me. I think I'm a bit morbid to be a tractor driver.
Worker: Why don't we stop testing our peoducts on animals?
Boss: What? Other companies test their shampoons on aninals.
Worker: Yeah, but we make hammers!
What did the boss say to the plumber after he broke the pipe? water you doing?
What did the skeleton mafia boss say to the snitch? “I got a bone to pick with you!”
My boss at the furniture store said "After what you did, I never want to see you again. You're fired!" But I regret nothing. Sometimes, you just have to take a stand.
My boss said our company will help pay for us to go to a technical college...
I said I wanted to take Liberal Arts.
He said it had to be a technical subject and I said that it was technically worthless.
A boss is about to fire his engineer after a bridge collapses. But after seeing the engineer weeping, tells him "oh cry me a river, just build a new one and get over it."
A mafia boss says "I want him swimming with the fishes!"
-later at the coral reef-
Me: This is awesome!
Mafia Boss: Anything for you
After an argument with my boss, I decided to leave my job at the helium factory. I don’t like to be spoken to in that tone of voice.
I tried to explain to my boss that I couldn't come in to work because my imported Swedish car broke down. But he didn't want to hear my Saab story.
What is the difference between a good secretary and a great secretary?
Good Secretary : "Good Morning, Boss."
Great Secretary : "Its Morning, Boss!"
Russian Intelligence has a meeting prior to the US election... Russian Intelligence has a meeting prior to the US election to decide the strategies to meddle with the elections. The boss starts the meeting saying, "Let's Putin Trump."
My boss asked me which of the X-men was my favorite Apparently Bruce Jenner was not an appropriate answer.
The new pool lifeguard was talking to his boss about his experience so far "There's an exceptional amount of friendly people here. It's been at least seven who has waved at me."
My boss told me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I replied, "I'm not sure, it's hard to keep track"
What do women and the stock market have in common?
If you don't pull out in time, it will cost you a lot of money.
My boss said he made this up on the spot yesterday. Never heard it before so I figured I'd post it.
A guy walks into a building with his boss.
Ouch. You'd think that at least one of them should have seen it.
EDIT: A twist on the classic "a guy walks into a bar" joke.
My boss offered me a 401k ...but I can't run that far :(
I remember the first meeting with my boss at my old job, he asked...
"How good at you at Microsoft PowerPoint?"
I said, "I Excel at it."
He replied, "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"
I was like, "Word."
The carpenter walks up to his boss..
.. and asks for tomorrow off as his wife is going to have a baby.
The boss gives him the day off.
Two days later the boss asks the carpenter if it was a boy or a girl.
The carpenter replies "we'll see in 9 months"
I called in to work and asked my boss what the difference between work and his daughter was. I'm not coming into work this morning.