Hilarious Boss Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Boss Jokes

My boss: “You’re fired.” Me: *turns in gun and badge*

My boss: “You’re a waiter where did you get those”

Score: 22284

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?" I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

Score: 14881

Score: 14865

My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?” I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”

He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”

So I went away and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.

Score: 13033

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini. I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

Score: 11858

My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."

Score: 11288

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great, I love being my own boss.

Score: 9537

a guy got an Interview for a job with EA Boss: the second part of your resume is missing

Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$

Boss: welcome on board

Score: 8324

As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

Score: 7753

My boss fired me for making too many Asian jokes It was the end of my Korea

Score: 5254

I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday. My boss said, “Clean our your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”

Score: 2914

I rang work and I said "I can't come in today, I have a wee cough" The boss said "You have a wee cough?"

I said "Wow, thanks boss, see you next Wednesday!"

Score: 2495

Boss perv I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.

Score: 2253

I asked my boss, “Can I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?” He said, “It's May.”

“Sorry.”, I replied, “May I have a few days off seeing as it's so close to Christmas?”

Score: 1888

My boss touched me inappropriately at work today But it's okay, i'm self-employed

Score: 1886

My boss was honest with me today. He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

Score: 1741

"I love my job!" said the farmer "All you do is boss me around all day!" said one of his sheep.

"What did you say?" said the farmer.

"You herd me."

Score: 1614

IT guy John is being shown around the office by his new boss. They enter the IT department and John sees a man using two keyboards at once. "That's incredible", says John. "Trust a geek to use two keyboards at once". "Hey!" replied his boss. "That's stereotyping. "

Score: 1393

"I love my job!" said the farmer "All you do is boss us around all day" said the sheep

"What did you say?" said the farmer

"You herd me" said the sheep

Score: 1378

My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied: "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

Score: 1118

A man walks into the bar... The bartender: "Hi Dave!"

The boss faints.

Score: 1066

I told my boss I needed a raise to stay at work because there are three different companies showing interest in me... He asked me which companies and I told him, "The gas, electric, and cable ones"

Score: 1029

My boss said my math skills are average. That's just mean.

Score: 992

BOSS: What's going on here? BOSS: What's going on here?

JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-

DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!

JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife

Score: 931

I asked my boss if I can come to work a little late today He said “Dream on.” I think that was really nice of him.

Score: 931

Sheep At the end of the day, a border collie reported back to the grazier, "All fifty sheep accounted for, boss!"

"Wait, I only have 48 sheep!" he replied.

"I know," said the dog, "but I rounded them up."

Score: 913

I was in a Uber today and the driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss.
Nobody tells me what to do…"

Then I said "turn left"

Score: 809

My boss pulled up to work today in his brand new Lincoln As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!" He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."

Score: 768

Layoffs The boss has to lay off one person from his department and he's narrowed the choice down to Ann or Jack. First he invites Ann in.
The boss says "I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off"
"You better jack off, I've got a headache"

Score: 729

BOSS: I've called you here because I suspect one of you is an owl?

ME: Who?

*everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head is turned 180°*

Score: 713

Boss: Do you know why I called you in here? Me: Because I accidentally sent you a dic pic

Boss: (Stops pouring 2 glasses of wine)
Accidentally?

credit u/zarina300

Score: 565

My boss told me, "You are the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I replied, "I don't know; it's hard to keep track".

Score: 470

After an altercation with my boss, I decided to leave my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

Score: 449

Testing products on animals Guy: We need to stop testing our products on animals

Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do that all the time.

Guy: Ya. But we make hammers.

Score: 400

I phoned my boss. I said, "I'm not coming in today. I've got chickenpox."

He said, "Don't give me that!"

I said, "I won't. I'm not coming in."

Score: 286

I don't mind following rules at work, but when my boss told me to stop impersonating flamingos... I had to put my foot down.

Score: 270

So I was fired from the keyboard factory today... Boss told me I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

Score: 226

I was in a taxi today and the driver said "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do." Then I said "Turn left"

Score: 212

I went to my boss at work and said, "I need a raise. Three other companies are after me." He said, "Really? Which companies are after you?"

I said, "The electric company, the utilities company and the phone company."

Score: 199

A blonde goes to work in tears. Her boss asks, "What's wrong?" She says, "My mom died."
He told her to go home, but she said, "No, I'll be fine."
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, "What's wrong?"
She replies, "I just talked to my sister, and her mom died, too!"

Score: 198

New Boss Jokes

Employee: We should stop testing our products on animals. Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time!

Employee: Yeah but we make hammers...

Score: 32

I called my boss to say, ‘sorry I can’t come in today, I’m sick.’ He asked, ‘how sick are you?’

I said; ‘well, I’m in bed with my sister’

Score: 36

This happened at a meeting with my boss: Boss: How good are you at PowerPoint?

Me: I Excel at it!

Boss: Was that a Microsoft Office pun?

Me: Word.

Score: 24

A guy's boss who is traveling calls him and asks, "Is everything okay at the office?" "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I haven't stopped."

"Can you do me a favor?"

"Of course, what is it?"

"Hurry up and take your shot, I'm behind you on the 7th hole."

Score: 19

My boss asked why I have been late 4 times this week I replied "because it's only Thursday"

Score: 30

I walked into my boss's office and handed him a pear... "What's this for? he asked.

I replied, "A raise. My wife told me to grow it first and then ask you."

Score: 138

My last boss was a dwarf He was a real micromanager

Score: 12

Told my boss he needs winter tires Got fired. Apparently that's something offensive to say to people in wheelchairs.

Score: 140

Honey I'm not allowed back at work anymore... Wife: why?

Man: I got fired for sleeping with the boss' wife.

Wife: Are you joking? His wife has been dead for 17 years.

Man: I'm also not allowed back at the cemetery.

Score: 43

As I was leaving work for the day, my boss tried to get me to stay back and finish a report. I told him it sounded like a job for Tom. Tom Orrow.

Score: 26

My boss asked why I was already late twice this week "Because it's only Tuesday" I replied.

Score: 21

I got fired today. My boss told me “when you come to work you leave your problems at the door”. I told him to stand outside.

Score: 37

I got called into my boss's office for a bad billboard I created It wasn't a good sign

Score: 38

Whenever my boss asks, "Having fun yet?" I say, "Are you kidding, this is my Disneyland!"

because my boss is a rat, my co-workers are goofy and this is a Mickey Mouse operation.

Score: 19

A guy shows up late for work The boss yells, "You should have been here at 8:30!"

The guy replies, "Why, what happened at 8:30?"

Score: 26

My boss came over today to tell me how I built my house wrong. I'm not good with taking constructive criticism.

Score: 24

I was in a cab today.... the cab driver said, "I love my job, I'm my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..." Then I said, "turn Left".

Score: 21

After an argument with my boss, I decided to leave my job at the helium factory. I don’t like to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

Score: 12

I was in a taxi and the driver said “I love my job. I’m my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!” I said “That’s really great, now take a left here.”

Score: 105

A guy shows up late to work. The boss yells, 'You should have been here at 8:30!' The guy asks, 'Why? What happened at 8:30?'

Score: 38

Bubble wrap I asked my boss "where do you want me to put this giant roll of bubble wrap?"

And he replied "just pop it in the corner"

4 f*cking hours it took me!

Score: 53

Microsoft Boss : How good are you at making spreadsheet?

Me : I excel at it

Boss : Was that a Microsoft office pun?

Me : word

Score: 76

I tried to explain to my boss that I couldn't come in to work because my imported Swedish car broke down. But he didn't want to hear my Saab story.

Score: 13

My boss asked me why I don't like to code in Python. I just find it too constricting.

Score: 24

A lawyer, a spy, a money launderer, and a mob boss walk into a bar. The bar tender looks up and says, "you must be here to talk about adoption".

Score: 24

I've been trying to put a finger on what's causing my anxiety... But my boss doesn't like to be touched.

Score: 106

My boss texted me "Send me a funny joke" I texted him back "Sorry, boss, I'm working at the moment, I'll send you one later."
He replied back "That was fantastic, send me another!"

Score: 81

What do you call a mafia boss' key? A don-key

Score: 22

Give a man a fire... And he will be warm for a night

Teach a man to fire and he'll be my ex-boss

Score: 48

Employee: We need to stop testing our products on animals. Boss: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time!
Employee: Yeah, but we make hammers.

Score: 170

Cant work for my boss anymore Me: I cant work for my boss anymore after what he told me yesterday.

Friend: What did he say?

Me: " You're fired "

Score: 69

Why did the programmer talk to his boss? Because he wanted arrays

Score: 23

jobs Woman: I don't think I will ever be working there again after what my boss said to me!

Husband: What did he say to you?

Woman: You're Fired

Score: 19

Hey boss, whats the difference between this morning and your daughter? I am not coming in this morning.

Score: 28

Got to work this morning Got to work this morning and my boss told me 'have a good day', so I went home and had a great day!

Score: 35

Pay me what I'm worth! I once asked my boss for a raise.
He asked me how much I wanted.
"Just pay me what I'm worth," I said.
He replied, "I can't. There's a minimum wage law."

Score: 83

My dad got fired today and asked me to be his teacher. His boss told him to learn from his mistakes.

Score: 14

I was in a cab today and the cab driver said, "I love my job. I'm my own boss, nobody tells me what to do." Then I said, "Turn left here."

Score: 187

Boss: How good are you with spreadsheets? Me: I Excel at it.

Boss: Did you just make a Microsoft Office pun?

Me: Word

Score: 19

I'm going to buy a field. Then I'm going to go and stand in it. While I'm there, I'm going to ring my boss and tell him I deserve a pay rise because I'm out standing in my field.

Score: 19

A man is late for work... Upon entering, his boss yells "you should have been here at 8:30!"

The man replies "Why, what happened at 8:30?"

Score: 21

I asked my boss I asked my new boss why she wasn't wearing any green today. She told me she didn't feel right celebrating St. Paddy's day since she didn't have an Irish bone in her body. I asked her if she wanted one.

Know anyone hiring?

Score: 29

You are a Genius Boss When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.

Score: 34

My boss at the furniture stores said "After what you did, I never want to see you again. You're fired!" But I regret nothing. Sometimes you just have to take a stand.

Score: 119

I just couldn't work for my company anymore after what my boss said to me today He said, "you're fired"

Score: 25

So, I call into work and say to the boss: "What’s the difference between work and your daughter?!" "I'm not coming into work this morning!"

Score: 21

I think my wife was sleeping with my boss so I changed jobs to prevent that from happening... One of the perks of being self-employed.

Score: 29

As I'm walking in to work this morning my boss told me to "Have a good day" Who am i to argue? Thanked him and came straight back home

Score: 24

I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind man. Then my stupid boss told me I'll never be a bus driver again.

Score: 13

Riding with Uber earlier.. The driver said,

"I love my job, I am my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do..."

Then I said, "Turn Left.

Score: 155

I told my boss that when I get nervous, I like to imagine my audience naked... ... she said I should probably stop teaching the 2nd grade.

Score: 89

I just left my job. I could not work for my boss after the words he said to me. "You're fired."

Score: 14

My boss phoned me and he wasn't happy. "You're late!" he yelled. "We've got an important meeting in ten minutes!"

I said, "I'm on my way to my car as we speak."

He said, "Do you think you'll make it?"

I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away."

Score: 157

My Boss thought that getting a vasectomy would keep his wife from getting pregnant. All it did was change the color of the baby.

Score: 39

An Irish Mexican teenager starts a job as a builder.. Only one hour into his first job he tries to hammer a nail with a screwdriver. The boss spots this and walks over to let him know he's doing it wrong. "You've got a lot to learn young Paddy Juan".

Score: 77

Classroom Nerd (In a high school class room)

Girl: Do you see that F@#$ING nerd over there.
Teacher: Don't be so mean, he could be your boss one day.
Nerd: Sorry I don't plan on being a pimp

Score: 31

An employee tells his boss... Hey, that's a nice car you have there.

The boss looks at him and says:

Work hard, stay after hours, and next year, it'll be even nicer.

Score: 114

I was going to be a quarterback for Halloween at work... ...but my boss said we couldn't be anything offensive.

Score: 16

The next time your boss asks you to start your presentation with a joke... ...attach your payslip on the first slide.

Score: 42

I called in to work and asked my boss what the difference between work and his daughter was. I'm not coming into work this morning.

Score: 16