Carpenter Jokes

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar Walked into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered.

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Ceasar walk into a bar. He came, he saw, he conquered.

"I see", said the blind carpenter As he tripped over his hammer and saw

What does a carpenter do after one night stand? A matching one for the other side of the bed.

My girlfriend is like a good carpenter No wood gets wasted

Why were all Roman buildings made of stone? They crucified the carpenter.

A rapist, a carpenter, and Alexander the Great walk into a bar They came, they saw, they conquered

Did you hear about the blind carpenter and the magic hammer? He picked up the hammer and saw.

King Arthur wasn't pleased with the quality of his new table. The carpenter had cut some corners.

How does a carpenter effectively build stairs? He thinks one step ahead

I once gave a plumber, a carpenter and a bricklayer a hand job at the same time. I guess you could call me a jack off all trades.

Who was the first carpenter ever? Eve, she made Adam's banana stand.

What happened when the carpenter knocked his tools off a pier? He saw the seas seize his saw.

I applied for a job as a carpenter the other day. I had to demonstrate my skill with a piece of wood.
I nailed it.

I grew up in a broken home My father was a drunk carpenter.

Did you hear about the blind carpenter who was magically healed? He picked up his hammer and saw.

A carpenter goes to a brothel. Had a threesome with two bi whores.

The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but... the new guy screwed everything up

A carpenter, plumber, an electrician and a welder are all dating the same woman. What do you call her? A jack off all trades

How do you torture a carpenter? You pull out his nails.

I had to fire my carpenter Turns out he was a mahoganist.

Why does Mike Tyson use an engineer's tape measure instead of a carpenter's tape measure? Because he finds the experience much more in tenths.

A young man wakes up in a hospital. He sees an older genteleman, standing by his bed, who asks him "How tall are you, son?"

The man replies " Five foot ten, doctor"

The older man, looking confused, says "Oh, I'm not the doctor, I'm the carpenter"

Who was the first carpenter? Eve, she made Adam's banana stand.

A blonde girl manages to break her door and takes it to a carpenter to get it fixed Blonde: Could you please fix this for me?

Carpenter: Sure, but if you're here someone could rob your house

Blonde: Oh but how would they enter, the door is with me!

The carpenter walks up to his boss.. .. and asks for tomorrow off as his wife is going to have a baby.
The boss gives him the day off.

Two days later the boss asks the carpenter if it was a boy or a girl.
The carpenter replies "we'll see in 9 months"

Why did the carpenter join the army? Because he wanted to be a Drill Sergeant

Why was Mary a virgin? Because Joseph the Carpenter worked his own wood.

I’m skeptical about hiring a carpenter to make my furniture But I’m sure it woodwork

My carpenter is a narcissist. He can be really shelf centered.

As a carpenter my father used to always tell me "Son, remember it's measure twice cut once." I just wish he'd told my Rabbi that too.

A man is approached at a hospital “How tall are you?”

“5’8”, doctor.”

“Oh, I’m very sorry; but I’m not the doctor. I’m the carpenter.”

My father is a carpenter, and he was telling me about the new, state-of-the-art plumb bob that was just released... It really is next-level.

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand? The second nightstand.

Who was the first carpenter? Eve. Because she made Adam's banana stand.

Why does president Trump need a carpenter? To fix his Cabinet.

Have you seen the joke about the carpenter that had to fix a fence? I believe it was a repost

Technically, Carpenter is The Chairman.

I think my dog wants to be a carpenter. He likes roofing.