Hilarious Couch Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Couch Jokes

"What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!" "Our children have names, Harold!"

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My buddy asked me if he could crash on my couch tonight I had to explain to him that i am married now, and that's where i sleep

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Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him i was married now and that's where i sleep.

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Boy: [kissing girl on couch] you wanna take this upstairs? Girl: He-he, sure baby.

Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.

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Husband: Honey why are there broken condoms on the couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.

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Husband: Why are there broken condoms on the couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their names!?

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Honey, there are broken condoms on the couch Dear, we've talked about this- call the children by their names

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Husband: Why are there broken condoms on our couch? Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.

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Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs? Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can't carry it by myself

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I was so drunk last night the cops pulled somebody over on T.V and I put my beer under the couch.

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Last week someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch. Ouch.

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I've always suspected my wife was cheating. Yesterday I found the evidence I was looking for... She kept the monopoly money hidden in the cushion of the couch.

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Huband: There are broken condoms on our couch Wife: How many times have I told you not to call our children that?

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How many men does it take to open a can of beer? None. It should be open by the time she brings it to the couch.

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You woman gotta' realise, making us sleep on the couch ain't that bad... It's kinda manly, makes us feel like we are camping. With an angry bear nearby.

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I said to my psychiatrist I keep thinking I'm a dog He said, "get on the couch please."
I said, "I'm not allowed on the couch."

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What happens if you try to sit on Death's couch? There will be grim reaper cushions

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If I had a dime for every time I lost something between the couch cushions... I would probably lose those between the couch cushions too.

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Why can't Buddhists vacuum under the couch? Because they have no attachments.

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Husband: Why are there broken condoms on the couch? Wife: please call our kids by their real names

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My wife said the lake was so pretty. I said it's just like you
She said "aw I'm pretty!"

I said "no I mean large and frigid"

I love my new couch bed.

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Tonight a friend asked if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him i’m married now.. And that’s where I sleep.

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What do couch potatoes evolve into? Computer chips.

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A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching a movie, the wife looks over at the husband and says "i bet you can't make me scream with only two fingers" So he pokes her in the eyes

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What piece of furniture are you least likely to get pregnant on? A pull out couch.

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The wife just asked me to make love to her and make sure I do that thing that stops me orgasming quickly. I am now sleeping on the couch and can only assume my answer of "What, turning the light on?" wasn't what she meant.

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My wife just sent me to sleep on the couch. It's just like camping, but with a big angry bear in the next room.

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Honey, the broken condoms are on the couch again. I thought we were calling the kids by their names now dear.

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What does a hippy say when you tell him to get off your couch? Namaste

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Some of my friends make fun of me for peeing while sitting down. But most of them just get mad because it's on their couch.

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What did the hippie on your couch say when you asked him to leave? Namaste

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Beth, why are all of our broken condoms on the couch? HONEY! How many times do I have to tell you not to call out kids like that!

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Did you know Jeffrey Dahmer was a closet smoker? He kept the butts behind the couch.

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I was on my couch making out with my girlfriend, when she asked if I wanted to take this to the bedroom So I said sure, you grab one end, I’ll grab the other.

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I was planning on watching the fight on my TV tonight But it was pretty uncomfortable, so I'll probably just watch it from my couch.

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What do you call two nerds dry humping on the couch? Science friction.

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How do you know if Jeffrey Dahmer smoked? They found butts behind his couch.

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How do you know Kurt Cobain didn't have dandruff? A bit of his head and shoulders were found behind the couch.

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I asked my friend how his new couch was going, he said sofa, so good

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New Couch Jokes

When Connor McGregor finishes in 40 seconds it’s impressive but when I do I have to sleep on the couch with the dog.

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What do you call a couch potato on the internet? A youtuber

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I was going to buy an L couch but I couldn’t afford it. I had to settle for a lowercase l couch.

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Why did the homeless airline pilot land in a furniture store? He wanted to crash on their couch.

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The Weinstein's have changed their company name.... They renamed it "Casting Couch Pictures"

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When you can't change the channel on your tv from the couch It's not even *remotely* funny

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What do you call a two-week celebration of tree houses, couch cushion lean-tos, and cardboard box buildings? A fortnight.

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How can you tell when a white trash guy gets a promotion? He's got a leather couch on his lawn.

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I found my Pet Peeve the other day He was hiding under the couch. Still a good boye though.

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The couch pulls out I don't

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When you find pennies under your couch, It might just be spiders trying to pay rent.

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A man walks in to a psychiatrists office. He lays on the couch and says "Teepee, wig-wom, teepee, wig-wom..."

The psychiatrist writes a few notes on his pad and replies "You're too tents..."

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A Man Goes to a Psychiatrist Squatting with His Hands on the Floor "I think I'm a dog."

"Have a seat on the couch."

"I'm not allowed on the furniture."

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What do you call the children of a couch potato? Tater tots

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Kurt Cobain had really bad dandruff The night he died they found his head and shoulders behind the couch.

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What does a hippie say after you ask him to get off your couch? Namaste

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I like to switch things up in bed Now I'm sleeping on the couch. Good thinking from Nintendo though. I can play here too.

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I was going to take my dog to a pet psychiatrist But he knows he's not allowed on the couch.

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I love having a couch in my bedroom it gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning

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Husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV... The husband then opens a beer and finishes it in a second.

Husband: "I love you."

Wife: "Is that you talking? Or is that the beer talking?"

Husband: "That's ME Talking to the beer".

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What is the difference between a couch and a black person? Couch can support a family of five.

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Ironic is... Ironic is getting pregnant on a pull-out couch!

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After Thanksgiving dinner, I told my wife she should be on a cooking show. Now I'm sleeping on the couch. Worst Cooks in America has decent ratings. Why is she complaining?

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