Hilarious Drinking Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Drinking Jokes

Two men are drinking in a bar They pull out the sandwiches their wives had lovingly prepared and tuck in.

The bartender comes over and says "you can't eat your own food in here"

So they swapped sandwiches.

Score: 15099

Man says to his boss “Can we talk? I have a problem.” Boss says “Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!”

Man says “Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.”

Score: 14865

Score: 12358

Please becareful on the roads Lots of people are drinking excessively and having their wives drive

Score: 10341

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister It tastes the same but it's just not right.

Score: 7901

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer. Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

Score: 7793

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking and molesting women." The drunk says "Great! Let's get started."

Score: 5747

So a guy walks into a bar and orders a pint of less. The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."

Score: 2913

If you're depressed, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed. It'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

Score: 2863

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34 They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools

Score: 2703

TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32. It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

Score: 2564

Today I quit drinking for good now I only drink for evil

Score: 2388

Boss perv I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.

Score: 2253

I've finally stopped drinking for good. Now I drink for evil

EDIT: Thanks for front page

Score: 2102

Dad joke..... Dad: what are you drinking, son?

Son: Soy Milk

Dad: Hola Milk, soy padre

Score: 1983

I told myself I should stop drinking... But I’m not about to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

Score: 1738

A man was drinking the blood of a vampire... He said, "Hm, irony"

Score: 1568

How do you get a Mormon to stop drinking all of your alcohol? Invite two of them.

Score: 1488

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself... I really need to wash some mugs.

Score: 1378

Police arrested two kids yesterday... ...one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one – and let the other one off.

Score: 1314

I finally stopped drinking for good. Now I drink for evil.

Score: 1266

My family insists i am addicted to drinking brake fluid. But i can stop any time i want.

Score: 838

Father: Hey son what are you drinking? Son: Soy-milk

Father: Hola milk, soy tu padre

Score: 776

A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain... Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking"
Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor"

Score: 755

"My wife suffers from a drinking problem" "Is she an alcoholic?"

"No I am, but she is the one who suffers"

Score: 604

I was out drinking with a friend and saw two old drunks across the bar. I said, “that’s totally going to be us in 10 years.” He said, “that’s a mirror, dipshit.”

Score: 595

A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?" "For drinking." replies the officer. "Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?"

Score: 560

What are you drinking there, son? Son: soy milk

Dad: hola milk, soy tu padre

Score: 542

Let's play the Oscar Pistorius drinking game Whenever your girlfriend goes to the bathroom take a shot

Score: 503

If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead

Score: 467

Today I stopped drinking for good Now I drink for evil.

Score: 386

Spanish Dad Joke Dad: Son what are you drinking?

Son: Soy Milk

Dad: Hola Milk, me llamo Dad

Score: 314

Why did the hipster burn his mouth while drinking coffee? Because he drank it before it was cool

Score: 314

I played my wedding video backwards today. It really cheered me up to see me take the ring off my wife's finger, walk out of church and go drinking with my friends.

Score: 286

So, I just tried a new drinking game. I put in the Bee Movie, and every time they make a bee pun, I take a shot.

Unfortunately, I could only get buzzed.

Score: 278

I've decided I won't drink any more But I also wont be drinking any less

Score: 163

TIL that 9/10 Doctors agree , drinking water is good for children The tenth doctor lives in Flint, Michigan.

EDIT: calm down /u/Andimbacksucker

Score: 153

My wife saw her ex high school boyfriend, drunk in the street. She said he started drinking when she broke up with him after graduation decades ago. I said.... ....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before.

Score: 131

A couple of friends are drinking at a bar One friend spots a couple of old drunks at the end of the bar and says "that'll be us in ten years".

The other friend looks and says "That's a mirror dumbass".

Score: 130

What's the best thing for a hangover? Drinking heavily the night before.

Score: 129

New Drinking Jokes

What's the difference between a irish wedding and an irish funeral? One person isn't drinking.

Score: 8

I am giving up drinking alcohol for the Month of June. Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the Month of June.

Score: 7

My friend in Africa was complaining about the lack of drinking water in his village. So I sent him a Get Well Soon card.

Score: 18

I've been feeling really stressed lately, so my doctor advised me that before going to bed, I should drink two glasses of red wine, after a hot bath, but to be honest, it's not really helping at all... ...I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

Score: 33

Hey everyone be careful on the road this holiday because there are a lot of people drinking And their wives are driving

Score: 19

Why was the mathematician arrested at the bar? He was caught drinking and deriving.

Score: 16

Got fired from the sperm bank Guess drinking on the job was a bad idea.

Score: 15

A group of people were hospitalised after a calculus midterm. The cops said they were drinking and deriving.

Score: 14

My doctor told me to stop drinking brake fluid because I was too addicted I told him I could stop at any time.

Score: 17

Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar. I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.

He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”

“No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“

Score: 14

I never drink and drive I do my drinking before driving

Score: 30

A joke walks into the bar He starts aggressively drinking until he starts puking all over the bar.

After the he finally leaves, the bar tending looks around at all the mess and mumbles,

"Man, that was a pretty sick joke."

Score: 12

College calculus is like a drinking game against a super-heavyweight. Even if you know your limits, you're dead no matter what.

Score: 17

Chinese in the bar Last night a Chinese guy came to my favorite bar.

I asked him if he knew Kung Fu or some other martial art.

He said, “Why do you ask me that? Is it just because I’m Chinese?!”

“No it’s because you’re drinking MY beer!“

Score: 16

A man and woman are sitting on their porch A man and woman are sitting on their porch drinking a beer. The man says, "I love you." The woman says, "Is that you talking or the beer talking?" The man says, "That's me talking to the beer!"

Score: 19

Did you hear about the lady that got fired from the sperm bank? Drinking on the job.

Score: 75

I told myself I need to stop drinking so much ...But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo that talks to himself

Score: 26

I tell myself I should cut back on my drinking but I am not gonna listen to a drunk who talks to his self

Score: 56

Father : What are you drinking son ?...... Son : Soy Milk;
Father : Hola Milk, Soy tu Padre

Score: 11

I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night. I really need to stop drinking on duty.

Score: 42

A married couple was eating at a restaurant when the wife noticed her ex-husband sitting at the bar. "He's been drinking since I left him seven years ago" she said to her current husband.

"That's silly, dear" he replied. "No one celebrates that much."

Score: 7

A man balks in a war He's charged for dereliction of duty and takes up drinking.

Score: 89

My wife suffers from a drinking problem “My wife suffers from a drinking problem.”
-
“Oh is she an alcoholic?”
-
“No, I am, but she’s the one who suffers.

Score: 9

A girl I know got fired from a sperm bank.. She was drinking on the job.

Score: 8

I'm getting mixed signals from my doctor. First, he told me that I need to stop drinking so much, but he also told me I should get more shots.

Score: 9

Whats he difference between a camel and a college student? Camel can go daaaays without drinking.

Score: 9

Cop walks up to my window and asks, "Mr. Johnson, have you been drinking"? I said, "Why, is there a fat girl in my back seat?"

Score: 7

I quit drinking for good Now I only drink for evil

Score: 118

Did you know that drinking the fluid in a magic 8-ball will let you see the future? I actually have a friend who tried it. He said "I'm going to die" and he was right.

Score: 109

As an American, it's no wonder I love going to pubs in England Where else will i be able to lose all these pounds drinking?

Score: 35

Necrophilia is like drinking beer There's nothing like popping open a cold one

Score: 35

Police arrested two kids yesterday!!! Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

Score: 26

Police arrested 2 kids today One was drinking battery acid, the other other was eating fireworks.

They charged one- and let the other one off

Score: 18

I am happy to say that I finally quit drinking for good! Now I drink for evil!

Score: 32

Got fired from the sperm bank today... I guess I shouldn't be drinking on the job

Score: 10

The Washington Capitals walk into a bar. Everybody orders a drink. They all finish drinking and order another. The Bartender asks if they would like to start a tab. Ovechkin comes out and says, "No, thanks. We always stop at the second round."

Score: 9

A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often...”

The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”

Score: 40

I know a guy addicted to drinking brake fluid... I'm worried about him, but he insists he can stop anytime.

Score: 12

I lost a good friend and long time drinking buddy a few days ago in a tragic accident he got his finger caught in a wedding ring

Score: 69

Sean Spicer, United Airlines CEO and Pepsi's PR team walk into a bar... They're all getting fired, so drinking on a Tuesday is acceptable.

Score: 12

The police arrested two suspicious men in a car park today. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.

Score: 57

Last night I dreamt that I was drinking orange soda... But the I woke up and realized that it was just a Fanta-sea.

Score: 26

My doctor told me today I need to watch what I'm drinking Now I drink in front of a mirror.

Score: 12

Two guys were just arrested. I just saw on the news that two guys have been arrested in the city centre. One was drinking battery fluid and the other was chewing fireworks. One of them was charged but the other was let off.

Score: 8

Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other eating fireworks... They charged one, and let the other off.

Score: 19

Don't call it a problem. Instead call it an opportunity. "I have an drinking opportunity" sounds much more positive, doesn't it?

Edit: to be funnier.

Score: 37

Kids these days. The police arrested two kids yesterday.

One was drinking was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

Score: 14

I only drink in Bars which have a lot of mirrors Doctor has advised me to watch my drinking

Score: 63

Use rubbing alcohol when you're hurt on the outside. Use drinking alcohol when you're hurt on the inside.

Score: 8

Did you hear about the Native American who tried to break the world's record for drinking tea? They found him dead in his Tee Pee.

Score: 25

I read an article about the dangers of heavy drinking the other day, and it really scared me! So that's it... Starting today, no more reading.

Score: 60

A friend of mine died recently A friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish.
It was a horrible end, but a lovely finish.

Score: 40

I don't think drinking Vodka is the solution to all of my problems... But it's worth a shot.

Score: 104

I got fired from the sperm bank today.. Apparently they frown upon drinking on the job.

Score: 9

My wife told me I had to give up drinking So I joined the AA.
Unfortunately, I joined the Automobile Association by mistake.
At least either way I'm on the road to recovery.

Score: 36

So a policeman see's two kids in a street corner One's drinking battery acid while the other is eating fireworks

So the policeman charged one and let one off

Score: 13

How do you keep your Baptist friend from drinking all your beer on the fishing trip You bring a second baptist.

Score: 12

*Police arrested two kids* ** Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.**

Score: 84

Have you heard about the Oscar Pistorius drinking game? Every time someone goes to the toilet take 4 shots

Score: 11

After a night of drinking, John walks into a metal bar The music was great and he hooks up with a beautiful blonde.

He awakes at the hospital with a mild concussion.

Score: 21