Contents
Contents
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied, "Thanks for the Baghdad"
Daughter: "Hey dad, how do you feel about abortion?"
Father: "Ask your sister.”
Daughter: "I don't have a si-"
Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”
My wife gets upset when I steal her kitchen utensils...
But it's a whisk I'm willing to take.
Edit: Thank you, children. It would appear I've peaked as a father.
My actual son will be devastated.
Why did Thor lose his lightning powers? Because his father grounded him.
Son, you were adopted
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”
One day when I was young...... I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.
My father told me that I'm in the 1% He also mentioned that condoms work 99% of the time.
What do you call a priest that’s also a lawyer? A father in law
I watched the video of my wedding backwards.
I almost cried when I took the ring back, gave her back to her father, moonwalked out of the church, and went away, free.
Wow: I made it to front page! Thanks guys!
Oedipus joke
Oedipus: Oracle, what’s going to happen to me?
Oracle: you’re going to kill your father and marry joe.
Oedipus: whose Joe?
Sir, your son was smoking marijuana at school during the class!
Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.
-- Did he say where he got it?
-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.
The father, cleaning his tears:
-- Did he really say that?
Why are catholic priests called father? Because "daddy" would be too suspicious
Nice Dad
Father: Son, I donated all your toys to the children's home.
Son: Why did you do that?
Father: So you will not be bored there.
Whoever coined the phrase “dad bod” missed a golden opportunity... Should've called it "the Father-figure"
Whoever coined the phrase "dad-bod" missed a golden opportunity... Should've called it "the Father-figure"
Mom, I'm dating a man.
\-Whom, sweetheart?
\-Dante the mailman.
Dante the mailman? But he could be your father!
But mom, age is just a number.
Sweetheart, I don't think you understood.
A man is washing his car with his son... ...after a while the boy says to his Father “Dad, why can’t we just use a sponge?”
Why do we refer to priests as "father"? Because it would be too suspicious to call them "daddy".
A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"
My girlfriends parents are very religious. The first time I was at their house her father said we weren't allowed to sleep together. It was a bit of a shame, he was very attractive.
Daughter: Mom, I have a new boyfriend, our neighbor Joe. Mom: But he could be your father!
Daughter: Age is not that important to me.
Mom: That’s not what I was talking about.
Father: When Abe Lincoln was your age he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight. Son: When Lincoln was your age he was President.
When my girlfriend told me she was pregnant I started crying. I know how it feels to grow up without a father!
"Daddy," a little girl asked her father, "do all fairy tales begin with 'Once upon a time'? " "No, sweetheart," he answered. "Some begin with 'If I am elected.'"
What do you call a priest that is also a lawyer? A father in law
I was in bed with this redneck girl when her father, her brother and her boyfriend busted in the room... ....and boy was he mad.
Mom I got a boyfriend!
Daughter: Mom I got a new boyfriend, our neighbour Joe.
Mom: But he could be your father!
Daughter: Age is not that important to me.
Mom: That's not what I was talking about...
I became a proud father today.... My son's 4 but he's been pretty annoying until now
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.
What did the father say when he was killing his kid with a vacuum? Dyson.
Father: Hey son what are you drinking?
Son: Soy-milk
Father: Hola milk, soy tu padre
A young black Jew asks his father, "Dad, am I more black or more Jew?"...
"Why do you ask?" asks the Dad.
The boy says, "Well, a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I want to haggle him down to $100, or just steal it."
My biggest fear, when I first started dating, was meeting the girl's father. But I mainly dated black girls, so it was never really an issue.
Old soviet joke.
Who is your mother?
Our great Soviet country.
Who is your father?
Our dear comrade Stalin.
What's your greatest desire?
Becoming an orphan.
My father complained "I've been using a dating app, but I'm only meeting Middle Eastern men." Dad, you're using Uber.
Boy: Grandpa! Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog!
Grandpa: Why would I do that?
Boy: I heard mum telling dad, "We'll move to a bigger house once your father croaks."
Why is the number of black priests so small? Most of them run away after being called father once or twice
Do you know the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
At least the outlaws are wanted by someone.
Credit: My father.
My father taught me the first rule of theatre
"Always leave them wanting more"
A great man. Terrible anaesthetist.
My father always said, you need to fight fire with fire. Great father, terrible fireman.
A son asks his father: What do we call a person who speaks two languages?
Father: A Bilingual
Son: Then what if a person speaks three languages?
Father: A Trilingual
Son: And what of those who speak only one language?
Father: An American
What do you call an Iraqi father carrying all the groceries? Baghdad.
England is like a father to me. Both don't come home.
Growing up my father told me to "only trust a man as far as you can throw him." That's why I trust babies so much.
The father says to his son: "I brought all your toys to the orphanage."
The son answers: "Why did you do this?!"
"So you don't get bored."
What's a alcoholic Jack asks his father "Dad, what's an alcoholic?" The dad says "You see those 4 trees over there, if you see eight it means your an alcoholic." the son replies with "But dad I only see two"
The blacksmith only sold items he crafted himself. Like his father taught him... He who smelt it, dealt it.
Today, I became a father. I don't know how to tell my wife.
My father passed away last night because we couldn't remember his blood type... ...As he lay there dying he kept on insisting us to 'be positive', but it's really hard without him.
I wasn't very close to my father when he died which is good because he stepped on a landmine.
At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"
"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...
"I'm not . . . I'm her mother."
A boy asks his father what is the meaning of the Solar Eclipse? The father replies "No son"
Little Johnny's teacher asks
"George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do any of you know why his father didn't punish him?"
Little Johnny replies, "Because George was the one holding the axe!"
What do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer? A father in law
When my mother died all my father said was, "Cough, fatigue, fever." He's a man of flu words.
Why is Kim Jong Un so crazy? His father was mentally Il.
My mother's knock knock joke
Mom: Knock knock?
Me: Who's there?
Mom: Not your father.
If a priest became a lawyer, what would he be? A Father-in-law
Apparently the Dad jokes never stop... I just told my wife I was going to go hop in the shower; my 66 year old father-in-law looks me straight in the face and says, "You know, it works better if you just stand in it"...
Dad! Are you stealing? I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.
I had surgery to become a 50p coin. My father always said 'Be the change you want to see in the world.'
My girlfriend is due to give birth to our son in a few weeks... But if he's anything like his father, I think he'll be coming early.
Why are Catholic priests called "Father"? Because "Daddy" would be a bit too suspicous.
Some people say I have my Father's face Not sure how they know, the briefcase I put it in is locked
An insolent teenager is having an argument with her father
And as she storms off she shouts, "Oh and by the way, Jim Morrison SUCKS!"
The father looks back and responds, "Hey, there will be no slamming of The Doors in my house."
Bless me father for I have Sneezed
A young child asks his father, "Daddy, what are clouds made of?" "Mostly Linux servers."
What do you call a person who tells dad jokes but isn't a father? A faux pa
Darth Vader was the first black guy to..... admit that he's the father
In honor of father's day - one from my dad. A dungbeetle walks into a bar and he says to the bartender: Excuse me sir, is this stool taken?
FATHER'S DAY DAD JOKE: What kind of shoes does a ninja wear? Sneakers
Everyone keeps wishing a Happy Father's Day to "The Best Dad in the World." I'm flattered. But I hope everyone wishes their own dad a Happy Fathers Day as well.
I'm 37 years old, a husband, and a father of two pre-teens AND I don't tell Dad jokes... because he left when I was 2.
See your report card
Johnny’s father: Let me see your report card.
Johnny: I don’t have it.
Johnny’s father: Why not?
Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.
I look more like my mother than my father. He doesn't look like her at all.
If patricide is killing your father, matricide is killing your mother, and fratricide is killing your brother... Is pesticide killing your sister?
My father asked for the Wi-Fi password...
“It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”
Get together
Son: Dad there's a small get together at school tomorrow !!!
Father: small get together.? ..how small
Son: only me...you...and principal
There was a father and son..
The father is a war veteran. He also has a prosthetic leg. One day, his son asks..
"Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?"
The father responds, "No, I got shot in the leggy"
My father always said I was a bright kid... So bright in fact, he always called me son
A father says to his son, "Son, you're adopted."
Son: "What? That's not funny, dad."
Dad: "Yup, pack your stuff, they'll be here in an hour."
I told my father I would name my son after him He's going to be pretty surprised when I introduce him to Dad Jr
My grand father fought in WW2. Whenever I bring it up, he says he never wants to talk about it again. What a sore loser
As my late father always said... Buy a decent watch
Boy: My mother's name is Laughing and my father's name is Smiling.
Teacher: You must be Kidding.
Boy: No, that's my sister's name, I'm Joking.
If I had a dollar every time my father said he was disappointed in me. . . He wouldn't be disappointed
Why doesn't Trump stay in the Whitehouse on weekends? All the ghosts in their white sheets keep reminding him of his father.
My son just became a father for the first time today… And in passing on the paternal torch, when he asked me where I kept all my dad jokes, I told him…they were stored in my dadabase.…
I got into a fight with my father when I told him Jim Morrison wasn't talented. He forced me to go to my room. I slammed my door behind me, and my dad said, "Don't you ever slam The Doors in my house again!"
A Little Black Jewish Boy says to his father, "daddy, am I more black or more Jewish?"
Why do you ask? Says the dad.
The boy says, "well a guy at school has a bike for sale for $150 and I can't decide if I should haggle him down to $75 or just steal it"
A teacher receives a phone call shortly before the school day starts
Caller: Mr. Brown, my son James will not come to school today because he is sick.
Teacher: Who am I speaking to please?
Caller: I am my father.
Dad, why is my cousin called Porsche?
Dad: Because her father likes Porsche cars.
Son: Thanks dad.
Dad: You're welcomed, young boy.
Darth Vader is not that bad... he is the first black guy to admit he is the father.
Why can black women twerk so well? They learned from their father how to bounce.
How do we know for sure that Darth Vader isn't black? Because he keeps on saying "I am your father"
Johnny's mother called his father at work...
"Johnny just swallowed a nickle and spit up two dimes, what do I do??"
"Keep feeding him nickles!"
My mom says I look just like my father. It's weird that she thinks that, because everyone else says I look like Steve the mailman.
When I stayed over at my girlfriend's house, her extremely conservative father wouldn't let us sleep together. Which was a shame, because he is very attractive.
A father and son go fishing...
Son: Dad, what do we do first?
Father: We get this clickbait here and we throw it into the ocean.
Son: Then what happens?
Father: What happens next will shock you.
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