Hilarious Got Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Got Jokes

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theatre

Score: 23830

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most? Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

Score: 22308

I called my wife at work and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" Sounding concerned, she said, "No." I responded, "How about now?"

Score: 21881

Score: 20822

I called two girls hipsters and got slapped. Apparently the correct term is "conjoined twins".

Score: 20610

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”. Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

Score: 19389

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah's Witness so he wouldn't arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Score: 17951

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree When he got there, he started to swing at a tree when it suddenly shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack laughed and said, “And you will dialogue.”

Score: 17878

I finally got someone to be my valentine! I wish I could post this in any other sub.

Score: 17285

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

Score: 16648

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

Score: 16624

I got so fed up with the trick-or-treaters last Halloween that I turned off the lights and pretended I wasn't home. My lighthouse, my rules.

Score: 16264

After my wife died I couldn’t look at women for 20 years But when I got out of prison, it was totally worth it

Score: 15892

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

Score: 15858

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one. She was livid, "what am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

Score: 15601

My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion. He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.

Score: 14980

If I got 50¢ for every math test I've failed I would have $7.20 by now

Score: 14922

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife... She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."
He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".

Score: 14763

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine. I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

Score: 14676

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Score: 14491

My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding... She got so mad and said she’s never gonna play scrabble with me ever again

Score: 14062

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

Score: 13598

I got pulled over by the police ... He came to the window and said papers ...

I said - scissors, I win - and drove off

He must be desperate for a rematch as he's been chasing me for ages!

Score: 13541

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row… They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

Score: 13034

My friend Dave drowned. At his funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebuoy. It’s what he would’ve wanted.

Score: 12786

If I got a dime every time I didn't understand whats going on, I'd be like "why are you giving me these dimes?"

Score: 12607

I got fired from the sperm bank yesterday Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.

Score: 12166

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain. Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

Score: 11929

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today... And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

Score: 11374

I almost got raped in jail My family takes monopoly to seriously

Score: 11353

I heard that they have dogs now that can smell if you've got cancer That must be the most depressing dog ever to take on a walk. "Your dog really likes me" "I'm so sorry."

Score: 11209

I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week... I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".

Score: 10857

Hey girl, are you an obelisk? Because I'm trying to find out what an obelisk is through process of elimination.

EDIT: Meant to do this before this post got too popular, but it exploded while I was at school. Credit goes to @ewfeez from twitter

Score: 10644

A German got pulled over by the police in France *Police officer:* "Name?"

*German:* "Heinrich Klimt"

*Police officer:* "Age?"

*German:* "31"

*Police officer:* "occupation?"

*German:* "No, no. Just visiting"

Score: 9467

I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Score: 9322

a guy got an Interview for a job with EA Boss: the second part of your resume is missing

Applicant: for the second part you have to pay 20$

Boss: welcome on board

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You know you’re a 90s kid when... your vaccinations were mandatory and no one in your class got measles.

Score: 7812

I got banned from laser tag today. Apparently they frown on using a knife to save ammo.

EDIT: Thanks guys, you blew up my inbox again. At least this time I know how to disable inbox replies.

Score: 6865

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail… But apparently, you can’t end a sentence with a proposition…

Score: 6495

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce.... We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

Score: 6086

New Got Jokes

My girlfriend got upset when I said she'd look sexier with her hair back Apparently it's harsh to say to a cancer patient.

Score: 627

If I had a penny everytime I did not understand what was going on, I would not understand why I got so much pennies

Score: 435

Got an email from Google the other day... "At Google Earth, we're so good we can read maps backwards"

I thought "that's just spam."

Score: 740

If I got 50 cents every time I failed a maths exam... I’d have about $6.30 by now.

Score: 1816

I got a vasectomy but my girlfriend still had a baby... ...apparently all a vasectomy does is change the colour of the baby.

Score: 468

I got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently, the sign "Stroke patients here" meant something totally different.

Score: 517

That's a nice sham you've got there. It would be a shame if somebody... added an e.

Score: 608

My company got bought out by a Madrid based firm today. Everyone seemed surprised. Nobody expects the Spanish Acquisition

Edit: expects*

Score: 1105

A limbo champion walks into a bar. He got disqualified.

Score: 418

I was talking to a girl in a bar last night She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

Score: 1563

Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight... There would be mass confusion.

Edit: this got weigh more attention than I thought it would. Thanks a ton!

Score: 1605

I got fired from my job at the library... Apparently the book on women’s rights doesn’t belong in the fiction section.

Score: 504

I once got yelled at for peeing in a pool Scared me so much I almost fell in.

Score: 492

I got a girlfriend today! I wish I could post this on any other thread.

Score: 743

I had a breakthrough today and got in touch with my inner self. That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.

Score: 877

There was a cross-eyed teacher who got fired Because she couldnt control her pupils.

Score: 487

Mom I got a boyfriend! Daughter: Mom I got a new boyfriend, our neighbour Joe.

Mom: But he could be your father!

Daughter: Age is not that important to me.

Mom: That's not what I was talking about...

Score: 1445

My wife made me promise to stop making stupid jokes So I got a vasectomy

Score: 1401

What’s a stalker and a Pokemon nerd got in common? They both hide in the bushes trying to get a Pikachu.

Score: 654

I got into an accident, but I managed to save a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching... my car to reverse leaving the scene.

Score: 523

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you.. I'd start thinking about you.

Score: 603

A friend got mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear. I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

Score: 2539

I got my son a trampoline for his birthday but nooooooo.. ... he just wants to sit in his wheelchair and cry ...

Score: 881

What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"

Score: 759

Did you hear about the crematorium employee who took a nap on a gurney during his break? He got fired for sleeping on the job.

Score: 643

The other day I got pulled over by a cop. When he walked up, I pulled out my 9mm... Once he stopped laughing, he wrote me up for indecent exposure...

Score: 1309

After my wife died I couldn’t look at a woman for twenty years. But when I got out of prison it was totally worth it.

Score: 590

A guy in a plane stood up and shouted, “HIJACK!” All passengers got scared.

From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back, “HI JOHN!”

Score: 2159

When Christmas was coming up, my kids asked for a puppy. When I got them one, they cried for days... I'll just get a turkey next year like normal.

Score: 1502

I got a picture of myself in a locket for my 18th birthday. I am now independent

Score: 436

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says: "I think we got this joke wrong".

Score: 1169

TIL France got a different version of The Force Awakens than the rest of the world. While the international version ends with Rey and Luke, the French version ends with fin.

Score: 419

In my hometown, a barber got arrested for selling drugs. Blew my mind. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

Score: 523

Got a parking ticket the other day for being parked illegally. Not sure why. The sign clearly said 'Fine for parking'.

Score: 606

My mum suffers with short term memory loss Hope it doesn't run in the family because my mums got it too

Score: 1705

My girlfriend asked me to name... My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.

I probably should've stopped when I got to her.

Score: 1962

Just got back from a friends funeral who drowned last week. I got a lot of abuse from the relatives about my floral tribute in the shape a life jacket. But as I told everyone "It's what he would have wanted"

Score: 3084

I got kicked out of the library today... Apparently putting the feminism books in the sci-fi section was not acceptable.

Score: 1375

did you hear about the man that got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.

Score: 492

Just got an email from Google detailing how they have devised a way to read maps backwards... Turns out to be spam

Score: 1088

If a man with a foot fetish cheats on his wife... Does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?

Score: 493

Doctor: I've got good news, and bad news Patient: What's the good news?
Doctor: They're gonna name a disease after you.

Score: 1965

When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed. Things like, my job, my phone number and my address

Score: 924

My son got kicked out of school for letting a girl in his class jerk him off... I said son that's 4 schools this year. Maybe teaching isn't for you

Score: 2212

I came here to make a United joke But it looks like I got beat

Score: 422

At the job interview Interviewer: I see here that you had a five-year gap between jobs. Can you please explain it?

Me: Oh that's when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That is very impressive. You can start tomorrow.

Me: Yay, I got a yob.

Score: 845

Just got a bike for my wife. It was a good trade.

Score: 1336

They played the Macarena, I did the Macarena. They played the Twist, I did the twist. They played Come On Eileen… …I got kicked out for that one…

Score: 521

Today I got a girlfriend I wish I could post this in another subreddit.

Edit: Obligatory "omg so many upvotes/wow RIP my inbox lol/thanks for the gold."

Score: 1082

Wow. The neighborhood barber just got arrested for dealing drugs. I've been his customer for years. I had no idea he was a barber.

Score: 5938

The egg said to the pot of boiling water.... It's gonna take a while to get hard, I just got laid this morning

Score: 434

Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son? Me: Dad what does it feel like having an awesome son?

Dad: I dont know ask your grandpa

Edit: Can't believe i got 1000 upvotes , Thanks Dad

Score: 612

A man cheats with his wife's sister Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!

Wife: You slept with my sister!

Man: When i got to work she was just laying there naked on my table! What was I supposed to do?!

Wife: The autopsy!

PS: Didnt make this up

Score: 1822

All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh... But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.

Score: 3827

I got an iPad from my chinese friend... I love homemade gifts!

Score: 700

I got a call from my ex crying and telling me she was HIV+ The hardest part is always having to act surprised.

Score: 1297

I shot a Black Man the other day I got charged with impersonating a Police Officer.

Score: 1101

Circumcisions are painful. When I got mine right after I was born, I couldn't walk for nearly a year

Score: 1743

When my girlfriend got pregnant, everything changed My name, my address, my phone number

Score: 567

I got arrested for killing a black man They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

Score: 657