Hilarious Hand Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Hand Jokes

If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

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I can count on one hand how many times I have been to Chernobyl. It's 14.

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I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts'... Which, on the one hand is great, but on the other it's just not right

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A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request. The man asks for the priest to hold his hand. Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

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Where did Captain Hook buy his hook at? The second hand store.

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My friend's girlfriend is 6 months pregnant, they asked if I wanna put my hand on the baby. Apparently they meant from the outside.

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If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? Beauty, because beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

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A teacher asks the class, “What are some examples of flammable objects?” and the Jewish student raises his hand. The teacher replies, “Very good! Any other examples?”

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I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand It's seven

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A teacher asks her class what their favourite letter is A student puts up his hand and says 'G'. The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus"

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I asked a prostitute "How Much For A Hand Job?"

Lady: "50..Do You Want One Honey?"

I: "No…No, it just makes me happy To Know How Much I Save When I Do It My Self"

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If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye? Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"

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Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand* Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself

Sister-in-law: ~crying~ is this why you wanted an open casket

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Boss perv I sit at work today drinking Coke, doing some stuff with Excel tables when suddenly my boss puts his hand into my pants, jerks me off, and then goes back to his previous work like nothing happened. Being self employed has its positives.

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I broke my finger today... But on the other hand I am completely fine.

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What has five fingers and isn't your hand? My hand.

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I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand It's 7

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If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called... **Algorithms.**

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

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Yesterday my brother uploaded a status on Facebook. He wrote in his facebook status "I love my girlfriend <3"

I knew that he liked them young but this is getting out of hand.

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A wife is like a hand grenade... remove the ring and your house is gone!

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Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine) Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.
Student: *raises hand*
Professor: Yes?
Student: 1 Earth

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What do forklifts and women have in common? If you don’t have one, you have to unload by hand.

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I steal candy bars using slight of hand... You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve

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"Dad, was I adopted as a child?" The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:

"We tried, but nobody would take you"

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When I canceled my gym membership, I had to hand in my too weak notice

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What do forklifts and girls have in common ? If you don't have one, you'll have to unload by hand.

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I can count on one hand the number of times I've been in Chernobyl. At least 14.

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"Can someone give an example of things that are useless?" The teacher asked. Me: *raises hand*

Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?

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What's Whitney Houstons's favourite type of co-ordination? HAND-EEEEEYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEE

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Chuck Norris threw a hand grenade and killed 50 people Then the grenade exploded.

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I can count on one hand how many times I've been to Chernobyl. 8 times.

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Getting married is great. But, before you do it, there are some things you have to consider. On one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don't.

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What do you call it when the new US president waves his hand? A microwave.

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At this time of year, there's nothing I love more than sitting in front of a warm fire, mulled wine in hand, and singing Christmas songs until I slowly fall asleep. And that's why I'm no longer a fireman.

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I’m a magician of sorts. I steal candy bars using sleight of hand. You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

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You've gotta hand it to short people Otherwise they can't reach it

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So many Christians run non-profit organizations. On the other hand, atheists... ...only run non-prophet organizations.

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My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brother’s surprise party. That’s when I realized he was her favourite twin.

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Why did the bald man have his hand down his pants? So he could run his fingers through his hair!

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New Hand Jokes

If any of you are thinking of getting married, please consider this carefully On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.

On the other hand, you don’t.

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This morning I entered a store... I noticed the clerk had a missing hand and a watch on it, that kept falling.

\-Why don't you wear it on the other hand?

\-And how am I supposed to put it on, smartass?



I've decided to mind my own business from now on.

Score: 81

An amputee is taking part in a discussion on the effectiveness of gloves On one hand, they are good for cold weather.

On the other, they don't really help.

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How do you know you're ugly? You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

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Every time I go through a fast food window They hand me my food and say “sorry about the weight.” I know I could lose a few pounds but this is just rude.

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Why is programming in Django hard? You can only use two fingers on your left hand.

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Are you the guy who denies bragging about weird stuff? Nope, I'm the guy who uses more hand sanitizer than anyone in New York City.

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Did you know that Jim Carrey lost the use of his left hand for a month in 1997? He was all righty then.

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Why did Helen Keller play the piano with one hand? So she could sing with the other.

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Slow typing... After 25 years... I was chatting with my classmate -my childhood crush online. She asked me why am I typing so slow. I said because my other hand isn't free.
She's not replying anymore.

Lesson learnt
-Never smoke while texting..

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When you have a pet rock Friend: What are you doing?

Me: Training my pet rock

Friend: That's dumb

Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*

Me: No Rocky, No!

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What can be grabbed by your left hand but not your right hand ? Your right hand.

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What is the difference between a hand grenade and a feminist ? A hand grenade only gets triggered once

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I'm have mixed feelings about abortion. On one hand, I love killing babies, on the other I hate giving women rights.

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If my wife has 6 oranges in one hand and then adds 4 apples to the other hand, then what does she have? No shot of blocking an uppercut.

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If I have 10 cookies and you take 5, what do you have? A broken hand.

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What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination? HAND EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

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Everything I pick up, I drop. The situation is getting out of hand.

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Subway is a lot like a hand job I can do it myself

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My grandfather handed me an antique clock, but it was missing its minute hand and hour hand I guess that's what happens when you get a second hand clock

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Did you hear Muhammad Ali burnt his hand in a few fights? That's what happens when you punch George Foreman in the grill.

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My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade

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A crocodile and a dog meet. The croc looks at the dog with disdain and says: "Hey, flea bag!"

The dog looks back at the croc and says: "Hey, hand bag!"

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If a deaf person gives a hand-job... Is it considered oral?

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I can count on one hand how many times I've been to Chernobyl. It's seven.

Score: 126

I broke a finger yesterday But on the other hand, I'm fine.

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You've really got to hand it to short people.... Because they can't reach for it anyways.

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Hand. Hand. River. Dirt. Gollum. Hobbits. Pockets. Pockets. Finger. Envelope. Fire. Hand. Neck. Neck. Finger. Hobbits. Neck. Neck. Neck. Pocket. Finger. LAVA. - The Lord of the Rings Trilogy, from the perspective of the ring

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I can count the number of times I've visited Chernobyl on one hand... Seven

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Cataracts are extremely rare in Japan. Chevrorets and Rincolns, on the other hand, are quite common.

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I started carrying a hand gun after a failed mugging attempt. Now, all my mugging attempts have been successful.

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A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is… A student puts his hand up and says, “G, miss”.

The teacher asks, “Why is that, Angus?”

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I'm so torn on abortion... On one hand, it kills babies, which I'm for. On the other hand, it gives women a choice, which I'm against.

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As the teacher marked my quiz answers, she said, "This is wrong." "Question 2 ?" I asked.

"No, the way your hand is resting between my thighs."

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I bought a second hand time machine next Tuesday. They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.

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What's Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination? HAND EYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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You know how awkward it is when you take her hand in yours, squeeze it, but still wonder... ...where the rest of the body is?

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My Gran fell asleep last night with a cigarette in her hand. That woman was the best thing since sliced bread. Now she’s toast.

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I'm not panicking yet about ISPs selling my browser history to advertising companies... On the other hand, when they offer to sell my browsing history to my wife, that would be the appropriate time to panic!

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Little Suzy wet herself in class one day.. The teacher asked "Why didn't you put your hand up?" She said "I did! but it ran out through my fingers!"

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If I have sugar in my left hand and sugar in my right hand am I ambidextrose ?

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A wife complains..... A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”

The husband: “Are you mad? I barely know that woman!

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I always go shoplifting for chocolate bars using slight of hand. I certainly have a few Twix up my sleeve.

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Blind prostitutes You gotta hand it to them

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What is Whitney Houston's favourite type of coordination? HAND EYEEEEEEE

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We've had a horrible winter this year. It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.

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What do a brick and I have in common? We both get laid by hand.

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I saved my cannibal neighbor's daughter from drowning today. Her father was so grateful he gave me a hand shake. It had some chunks, but it was delicious.

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I asked my friend who the antagonist of Borderlands is. Me: "If you tell me, i'll give you some alcohol for free"

Friend: "Alright then, hand some jack"

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A wife is like a hand grenade. Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.

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A priest asks the murderer at the electric chair.... -"Do you have any last requests?”

-"Yes,can you please hold my hand?"

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What is Whitney Houston's favorite coordination? HAND-EYYYYEEEEE-EEEE-IIIII!!!

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When I was a little kid, my dad would swear then say "Excuse my French" One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand

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You gotta hand it to short people... they can't reach it most of the time.

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Criminal on the electric chair. The officer ask: Any last wishes? The criminal: Please hold my hand...

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So I have a black girlfriend now ...after I severely burned my hand on the stove

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A man sees a blonde girl staring intently at a ice cube in her hand The man asks the girl why she's staring at the ice cube and she responds, "I'm trying to figure out where it's leaking from."

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My sons joke - if you've a cricket ball in one hand, and a cricket ball in the other hand. What have you got? A big cricket.

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I got a black girlfriend now. I burned my hand on the stove.

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So a man is at an airport. He approaches the Customs officer, passport in hand.

The customs officer looks it over and says, "So is this trip business or pleasure?"

The man sighs. "Neither. Im meeting my wife."

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