Hilarious Heaven Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Heaven Jokes

why would you be a suicide bomber... And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven... When you could become a catholic preist and have them now!

Source: Jimmy Carr

Score: 1080

Score: 1018

On her death bed, the last words that my grandma told my grandpa was, “Honey, I’ll see you in heaven!” Since then, he’s been kicking puppies and robbing stores every day.

Score: 875

The last words my grandma told my grandfather was “Sweetie, I’ll see you in heaven!” Since then, grandpa has been kicking puppies and setting fire to orphanages.

Score: 729

A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital When he wakes up, he is being raced through the corridors on a gurney. Disoriented, he asks, "am I in heaven?"

"No, replies the nurse. "We're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward."

Score: 239

I don't understand Christians They say that gambling is wrong, but they bet their entire life on there being a heaven.

Score: 181

So, a lawyer goes to heaven... Just kidding.

Score: 134

Why was the gambler obsessed with getting to heaven? He heard it was a pair of dice.

Courtesy of my 8 year old. I'm a bad parent.

Score: 124

On her deathbed my wife said, "Sweety, I will see you in Heaven." Since then I have kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an orphanage.!

Score: 98

I said, "Did it hurt?" She looked puzzled, so I continued. "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" She lifted her head slightly and whispered, "Please... call... an ambulance..."

That's when I looked up and realized she's actually fallen out of a window.

Score: 79

Why is the number 8 the only number that goes to heaven? When it dies it becomes immortal.

∞

Score: 77

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven. Haha just kidding.

Score: 71

The anti pick-up line. "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? [pause while smiling] Because it looks like you landed on your face"

I'd love to hear some of yours.

Score: 64

A suicide bomber goes to heaven to receive his 72 virgins... But all he sees are other men just like himself.

Confused, he asks one of them where his virgins are.
The man replies, "Brother, we are all virgins."

Score: 59

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, she’s still alive

Score: 49

I bet Billy Mays is up in heaven and if he is, I hope he's partying like it's $19.99

Score: 47

Jehovah's Witness I was just wondering………..if a Jehovah’s Witness dies and goes to heaven and knocks on heaven’s door….. does Saint Peter answer the door or does he hide like the rest of us???

Score: 43

Three politicians go to heaven. No, seriously, it could happen.

Score: 42

Billy Mays is up in heaven... partying like it's $19.99

Score: 36

4-year-old son 4-year-old: What happens when you die?

Me: You go to heaven

4-year-old: No, I mean, when you die, do I get your stuff?

Score: 36

Why are there no female suicide bombers? Good luck convincing a girl by telling her if she do it, she will meet 70 virgins in heaven.

Score: 36

Why don't North Koreans go to heaven? because they have no Seoul

Score: 34

Before my buddy died I asked him if there was football in heaven. A few days later I saw his ghost. He said

"Good news, there is. Bad news, you're playing in goal tomorrow."

Score: 33

We have to bury my dog today. Mom: Don't be sad. All dogs go to heaven.
Me: Thanks mom. Where does updog go?
Mom: What's up dog?
Me: Not much dog. Just looking for a shovel.

Score: 32

A husband was on his deathbed with his wife by his side. "Honey, I have something to confess to you.", he says.

"No dear, save your energy."

"I must tell you so I may pass on to heaven." He says. "I cheated on you."

"I know." She said. "I poisoned you."

Score: 31

How many guitarist does it take to play stairway to heaven? Apparently all of them

Score: 31

Why did the Italian get kicked out of heaven? He ate too much angel hair

Score: 26

What's the worst pick up line to use on someone in a wheelchair? did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

Score: 25

What did Hugh Hefner say when he got to heaven? meh

Score: 22

An al-Qaeda suicide bomber carried out his mission... And made it to heaven, where he found 72 virgins. Turns out they were all guys playing world of Warcraft.

Score: 22

A rich guy dies and goes to the gates of heaven. He offers Peter gold, thinking he can buy his way in. Peter looks at it and says, "You brought me pavement?"

Score: 18

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because your face is fcuked up

Score: 11

What's gambling like in heaven? It's a pair-a-dice.

Score: 10

Remember Billy Mays? Some say he's up in heaven, partying like it's $19.99

Score: 9

Breaking news : ISIS has surrendered As soon as they read that Hugh Hefner has died , they realized there won't be any more virgins left for them in heaven, and have laid down their arms and will lead peaceful lives with their current wives .

Score: 9

What's in between moms legs dad, said Johnny. Ahh..... its heaven son, said the father.

And in between yours father?

The key to heaven son.

Well... said Johnny. You should replace your key cause the neighbor has one.

Score: 8

I saw a hitchhiker holding a sign that read "HEAVEN"... ...So I ran him over.

Score: 8

Why did Prince go looking for Billy Mays when he got to heaven? He heard he was partying like it's 19.99

Score: 8

Billy Mays is up in heaven... Partying like it’s $19.99

Score: 7

I thought I was in heaven when I happened upon a shack in the middle of the desert. It had a sign that read, 'Cannabis Hut, get baked for free!' Apparently, cannibals can't spell very well.

Score: 7

New Heaven Jokes

A catholic priest is dying and is rushed to hospital Upon arriving the priest says “Am I in heaven?”

And the paramedic says “No we’re taking a shortcut through the children’s ward”

Score: 3

Why is there so much salad in heaven? Because lettuce pray.

Score: 0

A classic one told by my philosophy teacher today... A man dies. He goes into heaven. Later, he sees his wife. He can't believe it and when she comes to greet him, he backs off, and explains:

"I promised we'd be together until death do us part".

Score: 1

How many guitarists does it take to play Stairway to Heaven? All of them, apparently.

Score: 6

Did it hurt? When they threw you out of heaven?

Score: 1

If all dogs go to heaven, do all cats go to purrgatory? That’s it, sorry guys.

Score: 2

A priest was talking to a group of kids about "being good" and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"

"Heaven! Heaven!" Yelled Little Lisa.

"And what do you have to be to get there?" asked the priest.

"Dead!" Yelled Little Johnny.

Score: 4

How many terrorists are there in heaven? You'll have to c-4 yourself.

Score: 5

Dammmn girl, did you fall from heaven? Because your face is wrecked.

Score: 2

In Heaven, computers don't need a lot of space. It's all stored on the cloud.

Score: 5

What is Kathy Durant's favorite song? Stairway to heaven.

Score: 1

Technically speaking, Muslim-heaven can't have alcohol or cheeseburgers. So why do they even call it heaven?

Score: 1

So Sir Roger Moore has sadly died. You could say he is in Double 0 Heaven now

Score: 3

Chris Cornell died... Well Chris, say hello to heaven for me.

Score: 3

How do we know there are no women in heaven? Revelation 8:1 says: "And when he openeth the seventh seal, there came silence in the heaven about half-an-hour"

Score: 3

So West Virginia recently legalized medical marijuana... I guess that you could say it was almost heaven.

Score: 1

Why do all dogs go to heaven? Because all the cats are in purrgatory.

ba-dum tssh

Score: 4

What do you call it when an angel cuts itself? A slice of heaven

Score: 2

Hey baby, did you drop from heaven? Because it looks like you fell face first

Score: 5

Abraham Lincoln walks out in his garden in heaven and sees his neighbor in his own garden Abraham: "Your grass is getting long, shouldn't you cut it?"
Neighbor: "Yeah... You know, I used to have people for that..."

Score: 4

"Did it hurt?" "When I fell from heaven?"

"No, when your mom dropped you on your head."

Score: 1

They say that if you are good and righteous you will ascend into heaven... Otherwise you will split apart into small groups.

Score: 1

A widower man dies and goes to heaven... ... when he gets there his wife, full of joy, comes to greet him.
"I'm so excited, I couldn't wait to be with you again"
The man replies
"A deal is a deal honey, they told me: "until death do us apart""

Score: 3

I told my girlfriend she's from heaven She said "Tell me something I don't know!"

"You landed badly."

Score: 1

If the angel Gabriel came from heaven how was he so sure that Mary was pregnant?

Score: 6

[Egyptian] a German and Egyptian are invited for free drinks at a bar. The German notices the Egyptian is still carrying money and asks, "why did you bring your money, everything is free" so the Egyptian replies: "If I die today i'd like to go to heaven"

Score: 1

Did you fall from heaven? So did the devil.

Score: 1

I hear an important member of Jehovah's Witness died He's knocking on heaven's door

Score: 3

What do you call a posh thief who was recently swindled and died but he had to be lowered to heaven? A conned-ascending condescending con descending. (A little bit of wordplay but still, also, I thought of the conned-ascending)

Score: 2

What freaks out both girls and programmers? A missed period.

And heaven help us if the programmer happens to be a girl.

Score: 2