Husband And Wife Jokes

Husband and wife are arguing... The husband thinks it's raining

His wife says, "No honey, that's snow"

So they ask Rudolph, their soviet friend what he thinks.

He says, "That is rain, comrade."

The husband says, "See! Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

A husband and wife are sitting in a bar. They see a man downing beer across the room.

The wife says: "He proposed to me ten years ago, and I said no."

The husband responds: "And he's still celebrating!"

A husband and wife see two people kissing. The wife says, “He kisses her every time she comes home from work. Why can’t you do that?”

The husband says, “I would love to, but I don’t know her well enough.”

Husband and wife having an argument Husband and wife are having an argument and the wife says "It would have been better if I married to the devil instead of you!". The husband looks at his wife and goes "That's inbreeding."

A husband and wife went on a road trip. They were driving by some plains when they sighted some wild pigs. The wife jokingly asked her husband," Are those relatives of yours?" Too which the husband replies," Yup! Those are my in-laws!"

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching a movie, the wife looks over at the husband and says "i bet you can't make me scream with only two fingers" So he pokes her in the eyes

Husband and wife Bitter Husband, says to Wife "On your Headstone, l'll put "Cold As Ever" Wife says"That's okay, On yours l'll put "Stiff At Last"........

A husband and wife have a tif. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.”

A husband and wife are arguing... "What would you do if I won the lottery?" he demands.

"I'd take half the money and be gone so fast you'd be dizzy," she replies.

"My scratch ticket won ten bucks. Here's five. Let me get the door."

A husband and wife are setting up a password for their new computer. The husband types in "mypenis" as a password. The wife starts laughing uncontrollably, because on the screen, the computer says "Error. Not long enough".

Husband and wife A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, “Mypenis,” and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, “Error. Not long enough.”

A husband and wife are getting married.... Minister: And now your wedding vows

Groom: A E I O U

Bride: Omg do u ever take anything seriously?

Groom: sometimes....why?

A husband and wife had been arguing all-day They passed a herd of jackasses, she drawls "relatives of yours?"

"Yes!" he says, "In-laws"

Husband and wife on call A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone.

The husband is surprised, "Wow, that was quick - usually you women are at it for two hours at least!"

wife"Yeah, well, it was a wrong number."

A husband and wife A husband asks his wife

"What will you do if I die?"

"I would live with my sister." the wife replies. "What about you?" she asks

"I would also live with your sister" cheekily replies the grinning husband

HUSBAND AND WIFE Wife: "Our new neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work. Why don't you do that?"
Husband: "How can I? I don't even know her."

Husband and wife.. Wife:What are you doing?

Husband:Killing mosquitoes.

Wife:How many did you kill?

Husband: Total 5.
2 females, 3 males.

Wife: How do you know their
gender?

Husband: 2 near mirror
and 3 near beer.

Husband and Wife are like 2 tires of a vehicle. If one punctures, the vehicle can no longer move further. Moral of the story: always keep a spare tire.

Husband and wife are driving on a highway... “Honey be careful!” There’s been news of a crazy lunatic driving in the wrong direction on the highway!”

“There’s not just one, there are hundreds!”

A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer... The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

So a husband and wife go out to dinner And the restaurant has a bar with a man who is drunk and making a fool of himself.

Wife: Honey, that man making a fool of himself over at the bar asked me to marry him 20 years ago

Husband: And he's still celebrating

A husband and wife have grown old together. He comes home to see his wife naked, standing on her hands.

He asks why shes in such a position

She responds "Well, we both know you can't get it up anymore, how about you try dropping it in."

A husband and wife went to a therapist.. Therapist: so what brought you two here?
Wife: he takes everything too seriously
Therapist: how about you?
Husband: a truck
( btw I did NOT make this, I heard it before from a friend)

A brother and sister, and husband and wife, are sitting in the living room listening to the radio. Suddenly, “Sweet Home Alabama” started playing. The two looked at each other and exclaimed, “Our song!”

Husband and wife are having a romantic dinner Wife: I love you so much! I can't live without you!
Husband: Is that you or the wine talking?
Wife: It's me... talking to the wine.

A husband and wife are eating dinner. -Look at how selfish you are. You took the biggest piece.
-Well, what would you have done?
-I would have taken the small one and left you the big one.
-Why are you mad? I gave you the one you wanted.

husband and wife ? A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!" The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

hAHAHAHAHA

A husband and wife are driving home and run over a otter. They get out and find its still breathing but freezing cold. The husband says "Put it between your legs to warm it up" Wife replies "But its all wet and it stinks!" Husband says "Well hold its nose!".

Husband and Wife set up a new password A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer.

The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error.

Not long enough."

How he set the new pasword for his computer A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

A husband and wife are getting their first baby scan After a few minutes of silent scanning, the couple ask the doctor if anything is wrong.

The doctor replies: On a positive note, your child will never struggle to find a parking space.

Husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV... The husband then opens a beer and finishes it in a second.

Husband: "I love you."

Wife: "Is that you talking? Or is that the beer talking?"

Husband: "That's ME Talking to the beer".

What's the first question on the West Virginia Bar Exam? If a husband and wife get divorced, do they still remain brother and sister?

A) Yes
B) No
C) They become cousins
D) None of the Above

Husband and wife in the car , the husband was driving , the wife exclaimed loud : I'm so mad at you , I won't talk to you ever again . The husband replied : Promise ?

A husband and wife go and watch a stand up comedian At one point he's going on about how you should know all the small things about your wife. "Do you even know what your wifes favourite flower is?"

The husband leans over and says "Is it self-rasing flour"?

So a husband and wife go to marriage counseling. The counsellor says, "We should begin with something you both have in common."

So the man says, "Well, we both hate giving blow jobs."

Wife and Husband A husband and wife are at a party.
Wife:Look at that drunk guy
Husband:Who is he?
Wife:Ten years ago he proposed to me and I rejected him
Husband:And he is still celebrating.

Two crows that are husband and wife are home when The phone rings. Ethel answers, hello? Hey Ethel Bob home. Yeah hang on. Hey Bob! Yeah? Phone caw!

I know a husband and wife who were happy for a very long time and then they met.