Hilarious Ice Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Ice Jokes

A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.

Score: 8696

Global warming is a joke. Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

Score: 4495

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

Edit: Front page! Hi mom.

Thanks for the gold you amazing stranger, you.

Score: 2751

In honor of his passing, my dad's favorite joke to tell waiters Waiter: "And to drink, sir?"

Dad: "I'll have a blind coke."

Waiter: "I'm sorry?"

Dad: "You know, a blind coke. No ice."

Score: 1874

I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."

Score: 1707

Score: 1332

Why did the hipster drown? He went ice Skating before it was cool

Score: 1198

My missus was furious at me for kicking dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator. But now it's just water under the fridge.

Score: 1140

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice.. At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

Score: 1139

What does Batman put in his beverages? Just ice.

Score: 759

I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I? McDonald’s ice cream machine

Score: 728

I slipped on some black ice yesterday. At first I thought it was regular ice, but when I got back on my feet, I noticed my wallet was gone.

Score: 620

Climate change is such a joke... Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

Score: 525

Why did the hipster drown? Because he went ice-skating before it was cool ‎( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Score: 419

How did the hipster drown? He went ice skating before it was cool.

Score: 383

What do you call a super hero completely made of ice? Justice

Score: 357

I slipped and fell on black ice. I thought it was regular ice but when i got up my wallet was gone.

Score: 331

If you ask Vanilla Ice's mother about his childhood... she'll tell you that he was a nice, nice baby.

Score: 271

How do you make a human corpse float? Two scoops ice cream, one scoop human corpse, and half a liter of root beer.

Score: 258

I saw a poor old woman slip over on some ice the other day... ... at least I think she was poor; she only had $3 in her purse.

Score: 246

So Harambe walked into a bar Bartender: What will you be having to drink?
Harambe: I'll have a beer
Me: No, he'll have just ice.
Bartender: Just ice?
Me: Yes, justice for Harambe

Score: 237

I saw a poor old lady fall on the ice today Atleast I think she was poor. She only had $.75 in her wallet.

Score: 206

A man walks into a bar with Harambe Bartender: What can I get you ?

Harambe: I'll have a beer.

Man: No, he'll have just ice.

Bartender: Just ice?

Man: Yes, justice for Harambe.

Score: 181

Why don’t you see many Mexican hockey players? They try to avoid ICE at all costs.

Score: 178

A lady walks into a dry cleaners... ...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."

The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"

Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."

Score: 162

I just melted an ice cube by staring at it. Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.

Score: 156

What if aliens are responsible for global warming? And this is just their way of breaking the ice.

Score: 153

A man is standing on the bow of the Titanic as it is sinking, holding a glass of whiskey. He says: "I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous"

Score: 139

A guy with a whimpering faint voice orders an ice cream... Vendor asks: "Crushed nuts?"
Guy whimpers back: "No. Laryngitis."

Score: 129

My wife got angry at me for kicking the dropped ice cubes under the refrigerator... But now it's all just water under the fridge

Score: 126

I Have Super Powers I just melted an ice cube by staring at it…..

Took a bit longer than I thought it would, though.

Score: 81

Bert asks Ernie, "Ernie do you want to get ice cream?" Ernie responds "Sure Bert"

Score: 59

What did the judge put in his drink? Just ice

Score: 53

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice. Well, I think she was poor. She only had £1.30 in her purse.

Score: 48

What's not a good ice breaker? Titanic.

Score: 45

What does Batman take with his alcohol? Just ice

Score: 28

What does Superman put in his drink? Just ice.

Score: 28

My Mexican friends always drink their drinks warm... it's like they're afraid of ICE or something.

Score: 26

A man sees a blonde girl staring intently at a ice cube in her hand The man asks the girl why she's staring at the ice cube and she responds, "I'm trying to figure out where it's leaking from."

Score: 23

I slipped on some black ice earlier today... I thought it was regular ice, but when I got up my wallet was missing.

Score: 22

New Ice Jokes

A blonde lady is going to the doctor Doctor: Hello miss, what's the issue?

Blonde lady: Oh doc, i swallowed an ice cube

Doctor: Ah okay, anything wrong?

Blonde lady: YES! It didn't come out yet!

Doctor: ...

Score: 5

Why was the Ice cream crying? Because his mother had been a wafer so long.

Score: 7

What is a reason illegal immigrants hate the winter? ICE

Score: 8

What's worse than yelling FIRE in a mexican neighborhood? ICE

Score: 11

What starts out hard but gets soft after it comes? Ice cream you pervert

Score: 5

I had a joke about an ice pole... But I couldn't put my tongue on it.

Score: 5

I have the body of a 22-year-old model He's in my freezer, and now I have no room for my ice cream.

Score: 11

Ice Cube is 48 years old, but still hasn't melted. Do you know why? Man's not hot.

Score: 5

I drove past an accident involving an ice cream truck. It must have been pretty bad because I heard one of the paramedics say that it looks like they lost a few pints.

Score: 9

Did you know Vanilla Ice is now working as a computer literacy instructor? He's at the community college teaching Word to your mother.

Score: 5

Why is the polar bear so friendly? Cause he's an ice guy!

Score: 5

How do you make a dead baby float? Two scoops of ice cream and two scoops of dead baby

Score: 5

What does batman put in his water? Just ice.

Score: 17

How did the hipster die? He went ice skating before it was cool

Score: 7

I fought with my brother about how he likes to kick ice under the refrigerator, but we're cool now. It's all water under the fridge

Score: 9

How do you burn a bucket of water? Tell it that it would be cooler if it were a bucket of ice.

Score: 5

What would be a great way to break the ice? An undead dragon

Score: 16

Why did little Jimmy drop his ice cream? He forgot to look both ways before crossing the street

Score: 11

Why did the ice cube drop out of highschool? It was too cool for school.

Score: 5

How do you catch a polar bear? Go to the arctic, take a can of peas.
When you get there, cut a hole in the ice and place peas all around the edge of it.
When the polar bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.

Score: 13

Bert : Hey Ernie would you like some ice-cream? Ernie : Sherbert

Score: 20

Why are the corners of ice rink rounded and not 90°? Because if they were then the ice would melt

Score: 8

What is Ice T's sister's name? Ness Tea

Score: 7

Bert asks Ernie if he wanted to go out for ice cream. Sherbert

Score: 12

Wanna know how you can make an elephant float? One elephant, two scoops of ice cream.

Score: 18

There is an ice cream called batman Just ice was served

Score: 14

Leon Trotsky asks a travel agent if they have any hotel rooms in Mexico. The travel agent responded by saying that Mexico would be a very ice pick.

Score: 8

Why did the hipster drown? Because he went ice skating before it was cool.

Score: 6

I hear they only serve ice cold beers in North Korea Cause Warmbiers are punishable by death

Score: 16

When judges are thirsty what do they crave? Just ice.

Score: 7

My local ice cream man was found dead this morning. He was covered in nuts, sprinkles and raspberry sauce.

Apparently he topped himself.

Score: 7

What do you call an ice skating dwarf? A midget spinner

Score: 12

My friend and I were talking on the phone the other day and she was complaining about her period Her: MY UTERUS HURTS

Me: WTF Why?

Her: CAUSE OF MY PERIOD

Me: oh

Her: I WANT ICE CREAM

Me: so go get some

Her: I'M IN TOO MUCH PAIN TO GET UP

Me: man, what a vicious cycle

Score: 6

What did the ICE agents say after they finished eating at a diner? "I think we'll take Juan for the road too."

Score: 7

Chuck Norris went to Mcdonalds and the ice cream machine was working.

Score: 22

How to catch a polar bear First, you dig a hole in the ice,
then you sprinkle peas around the hole

When a polar bear bends down to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole!

Score: 12

Why is it ok for an ice company to commit a fraud? Because... their assets are already frozen.

Score: 15

Why did the boy drop his ice scream? He got hit by a bus

Score: 7

Whenever I asked for an ice cream from the van, my Mum would tell me that when they played music it meant that they’d run out This isn't a joke, I'm 30 yrs old now finding out otherwise.

Score: 6

If the musicians, Ice T and Lemonade formed a band, what would it be called? Arnold Palmer

Score: 6

My Friend Told A Titanic Joke It was ice cold.

Score: 5

Why did the 5 year old drop her ice cream? She got hit by a bus.

Score: 7

Why is C the coldest letter? Because it's in the middle of ice.

Score: 5

Just got out of a relationship with ice cream It was a rocky road.

Score: 4

a man and harambe walk in to a bar bartender: what will you fine gentleman have?

harambe: scotch

man: no, you'll have ice

bartender: just ice?

man: yes, justice for harambe

Score: 12

A penguin takes his car to the shop for maintenance. He goes across the street to a ice cream stand for a vinilla cone. Later he goes back to the shop to check on his car. Mechanic says "looks like you blew a seal". Penguin goes "No, it's just ice cream".

Score: 12

I once tried greeting everyone I met by saying "titanic"... Turns out it wasn't a very good ice breaker

Score: 6

My X-gf has a really big heart. I have to give her that. She needs it, to pump all the ice water around.

Score: 4

I started this class on the weekend that teaches you how to make ice cream... Sundae School.

Score: 6

I made three snow angels the other day. I skidded on the ice and took out three pedestrians.

Score: 5

My friend fell into the gelatto machine. Ice creamed in terror.

Score: 13

What did the police officer want from the criminal store? Just ice.

Score: 6

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on a frozen lake. They weren't talking so I decided to go over and break the ice.

Score: 15

What did the glass of water say to his son who is obsessed with becoming ice? It's just a phase.

Score: 6

What's the difference between Americans and ice cream? Ice cream fits in a tub.

Score: 4

I go through condoms like a fat man goes through ice cream! I probably shouldn't have bought the ice cream flavored ones.

Score: 4

An eskimo brought his car to a mechanic. Mechanic says, "you blew a seal"
Eskimo wipes his face, "no, I just had some ice cream".

Score: 7

How do you capture a polar bear? 1. Dig a hole in the ice.

2. Place a bunch of peas around the hole

3. When the bear comes up to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

Score: 8

A blonde girl is eating an ice-cream Her friend tells her : "You have ice-cream on your cheek".
The blonde girl starts to rub her left cheek. "No the other way".
She puts a finger in her mouth and rubs. "Hij it gonhe ?"

(sorry, it's more a visual joke)

Score: 9

I just thought up a misogynist syllepsis: She spilled a pitcher of ice water in my lap, so I cold-cocked her.

Score: 5