Hilarious Idiot Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Idiot Jokes

"How can this idiot possibly be elected as president?" Says a nation that hasn't gotten over the death of a gorilla in 6 months.

Score: 10284

A guy was screaming at the TV “Run idiot, run!” His wife walked in and asked “Are you watching a horror movie?”. He said “No. It’s our wedding tape”

Score: 4021

"Remember, son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot can be 100% sure about everything." "Dad, are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

Score: 2442

Score: 2019

"Remember son, a smart person always has doubts about something. Only a total idiot is 100% sure about everything." "Dad, are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

Score: 1491

My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby." I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...

Score: 1261

My girlfriend says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right. So I packed her bags and left.

Score: 1122

My family is furious at me for implying my Sister in an idiot for not vaccinating her child... I suppose the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.

Score: 949

Girls from England? A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"

Score: 881

A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex. The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."

Score: 759

What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot? Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.

Score: 678

"I remember one time I brought my report card home and said 'Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!" He just said "That's a D, you idiot."

Score: 514

I just saw some idiot at the gym he put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Score: 507

I still remember my grandfather's last words Don't point that gun at me you idiot

Score: 427

I got a letter that was just addressed to "You Idiot". What bothers me is that the post office knew where to deliver it.

Score: 414

“Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in reading!” Dad: That’s a D, idiot.

Score: 331

A mexican kid tells D. Trump: I want to be President!
Trump says: are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of tour mind? Are you retarded?
Kid says: you know what, never mind those are too many requirements.

Score: 325

An Iranian man comes home to his wife He says :" Honey! Honey! I missed the bus today and chased it all the way home. I saved myself 2 dollars!"

The wife responds: " you idiot! You should've chased the taxi. You could have saved 20 dollars!"

Score: 281

I was tucking my son in last night, and he tells me that his teacher is "an idiot" and she's "out to get him." Which is just the last thing you want to hear when your kid's home schooled.

Score: 251

What does a burned pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant woman have in common? An idiot who forgot to take it out on time.

Score: 227

My friend told me, “ You have a B.A., a Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.” It was a third degree burn.

Score: 222

What do you call a mouse on 2 legs Friend "i dont know"
Me "mickey mouse"
Me "what do you call a duck on 2 legs"
Friend "donald duck"
Me " all ducks idiot"

Score: 218

I think it's funny when dogs hide under the bed when they're scared. I'm like "You idiot, that's the first place monsters go!"

Score: 210

My friend said, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!” It was a third degree burn.

Score: 209

2 Jokes Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why?

To get to the idiot's house!

...

Not funny? Okay, how about this one?
Knock Knock

Who's there?

The chicken.

Score: 202

My idiot friend keeps saying, “Every time I go to Taco Bell, I get diarrhea.” I said, “Try ordering Tacos instead, moron.”

Score: 198

What do you call a gymnast with a low IQ? A flippin' idiot.

Score: 189

A man speaks frantically on phone with a doctor... "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Score: 184

A man speaks frantically into the phone A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Score: 182

What idiot coined the term ex-fiancé Instead of near-Mrs

Edit: ex fiancée. I'm not as smart as I thought I was..

Score: 142

What do frozen beer, a burnt pizza, and a pregnant woman have in common? An idiot who forgot to take it out earlier.

Score: 97

What Colour Confuses an Idiot? Blue

Score: 85

"Remember son, everyone has doubts about something. Only an idiot is completely sure about everything. "Are you sure dad?"

"Absolutely."

Score: 64

A man was watching TV at home He said out loud "Run you idiot!"

His wife heard him and asked "Are you watching a horror film?"

He responded "Nah. Just our wedding tape."

Score: 45

What does a frozen beer, a burnt pizza and a pregnant woman have in commonn? An idiot didn't get it out in time

Score: 34

Some idiot was texting and driving and rear ended my car. It spilled my beer all over the place.

Score: 33

A Mexican kid meets Donald Trump and says to him, “I want to be President one day.” Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?” The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”

Score: 26

How do you confuse an idiot? With 6 potatoes!

Score: 23

If only there was an easily recognizable way to identify an idiot -Sent from my iPhone

Score: 23

Why does Africa never win Olympics Because it's a continent, You idiot

Score: 15

New Idiot Jokes

Whant do you call Idiot in India? Modibhakt.

Score: 0

There's a hot blonde in my neighborhood and she doesn't look like an idiot to me. I think she doesn't look to me at all.

Score: 1

Someone told me to prove that i’m an idiot I said i stock toilet paper

Score: 0

My wife keeps saying she married an idiot but I have no idea who she's talking about

Score: 0

I’ve been trying to make a car with the tons of spaghetti my girlfriend has stocked up on. She thinks I’m an idiot. But you should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

Score: 0

I hate working at this watch shop because I always get some idiot who comes in to watch me work because the sign in front of the shop reads "Watch Repair"

Score: 0

This little kid bragging about sleeping in a race car bed. STFU you little idiot, I don't even have a car.

Score: 1

What happens to a useful idiot when he’s no longer useful? He gets impeached.

Score: 2

My family is furious at me for implying my sister is an idiot for no vaccinating her child... I guess the funeral wasn’t the right place to say it.

Score: 1

How do you turn an idiot into a nutritionist? tell them you're vegan

Score: 2

I was thinking about how much of an idiot my friend was, for not responding to the roll call Then I realised I wasn't responding to the roll call, as I was busy thinking how much of an idiot he was. The circle of life.

Score: 1

An idiot, a misogynist and a rapist walks into a bar... ...the bartender says "what can I get you Mr. President?"

Score: 8

I'm going to have to sign an idiot contract But moron that later.

Score: 1

How much energy does it take to run a concentration camp? 6 million joules.

(I don't support what happened in the holocaust, I'm just an idiot playing with words)

Score: 3

What did the mechanic say to the idiot raising his car on cinderblocks? That's jacked up!

Score: 1

I asked my father if I was adopted He replied: "No you are not. I wouldn't adopt such an idiot."

Score: 3

If you dont know the difference between "there", "thier", and "they're" your an idiot.

Score: 0

Two men are in the desert and they see a third man fishing. The first man says to the other: “Look at that idiot fishing in the desert.”
The second man replies: “That’s none of our business, just keep rowing.”

Score: 7

I think we all know why its called Hawaii now.. Some idiot blew up Hawai on accident

Score: 0

A redneck calls up the White House... ...and tells the receptionist: "I'd like to become the next President of the United States."

The receptionist: "What are you, an idiot?"

Redneck: "Why, is it required?"

Score: 2

What do you call a clever idiot? An Oxymoron.

Score: 2

A Mexican kid walks up to Trump and says... "I want to be President one day." Trump then says "Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?"

Then the Mexican kid replies "You know what, I've changed my mind. Those are too many requirements."

Score: 1

I'm convinced that we're living in a simulation And it's set to deity difficulty, and my idiot kid brother is playing the game.

Score: 1

Detective: "Where were you on the night of the murder?" Suspect: "At home, sir."
Detective: "That's where the murder happened idiot."

Score: 12

A stoned guy holding a mirror... While he's looking at his face...

He tells his friend: this face is familiar.

The other stoned guy takes the mirror...

And says: you idiot thats me.

Score: 6

What's a pirate's favourite element of the peri-arrr-dic table? Arr-gon?

No. Gold, you idiot.

Happy International Talk like a Pirate day!

Score: 1

What is the keyboard shortcut to becoming an idiot who throws temper tantrums like a child? Alt-right.

Score: 8

"Having my owner carjacked was bad enough." said one car to the other. "But you know what really grinds my gears?" The idiot didn't know how to drive a manual transmission!

Score: 3

A joke from my 8 year old cousin How do you put a whale in a car?

You can't you idiot!

Score: 6

How did the idiot drown drinking water? The toilet seat fell on his head.

(My boyfriend's brother came up with that one when he was a little tot)

Score: 2

I've developed a FOOL-PROOF, GUARANTEED method to lose 5 pounds or more in only MINUTES, and to keep it off PERMANENTLY!!! Find out more in my new book, "The Idiot's Guide to Self-Amputation."

Score: 6

My wife walked into a bar. The bartender asked "Why the long face?"

Glaring at the bartender, my wife responded "That joke's for horses, you idiot."

"Yes, it is," the bartender replied.

Score: 2

How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll let you know tomorrow

Score: 3

What does a man with two left feet wear? Flip flips.

Edit: I told the joke wrong... I'm an idiot.

Score: 3

I'd tell you my passive aggressive joke... But only a complete idiot would laugh at it.

Score: 2

Why did the chicken cross the road? To talk to the idiot.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
The chicken....

Score: 1

Why shouldn't you argue with an idiot? Because they'll bring you down to their level,

And beat you with experience.

Score: 3

Why shouldn't you argue with an idiot? Cause they'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

Score: 6

How do you make a one armed idiot, fall out of a tree? Wave.

Score: 1

What idiot called it an engagement ring... When he could've called it a Kneel Diamond?

Score: 4

How do you keep an idiot in suspense? ______

Score: 10

A stoner walks into the house and asks his mother a question Him: Mom why do you always accuse me of being stoned?

Mom: I'm your Dad you idiot

Score: 1

How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll post the answer tomorrow.

Score: 1

Why did the chicken cross the road? -Why did the chicken cross the road?

-I don't know.

-To get to the idiot's house.
Knock knock.

-Who's there?

-The chicken

Score: 2

Suppose you are an idiot and suppose you are a Member of Congress ? But... I repeat myself

Score: 3

A guy walks into a bar... What an idiot

Score: 2

'This is the 5th same movie ticket you’ve bought tonight Sir, Why please?' 'The Idiot at the entrance keeps tearing it'

Score: 2

I asked my idiot friend what "mercy" meant. He said it was French for Thank you.

Score: 3

How do you keep an idiot worried for a day? I'll tell you first thing tomorrow

Score: 12

My teacher pointed at me with...... My teacher pointed at me with his ruler and said “at the end of this ruler is and idiot!”
I got detention after I asked him which end he was referring to.

Score: 9

How to keep idiot waiting? I'll tell tomorrow.

Score: 5

I met 2 large ladies at the bar. I noticed they had heavy accents, so I ask are you two ladies Irish? and they said it's wales you idiot, so just to be nice I said are you two whales Irish?

Score: 2

Some idiot asked me what the 27th letter of the Arabic alphabet is... And all I could say was, "Wow".

Score: 4

What did the necropheliac say to her boyfriend? Did rigor mortis just set in, or are you just happy to see me?

Edit: I'm an idiot

Score: 10

A man in North Korea got given 40 years in a labour camp for calling Kim Jong Un an idiot... 5 for slander, and 35 for revealing state secrets-

Score: 9

A blond is walking down the beach... and see's a man flailing his arms wildly in the water. He's yelling “Help, Shark, Help!”
The blond yells back, “ no you idiot, you have to swim, that shark wont help you!"

Score: 6

How do you know genital anatomy was designed by an idiot? No one else would put the bathroom right next to the snack bar.

Score: 2