Hilarious John Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest John Jokes

What's the difference between humans and a bullet? Humans miss John Lennon

Score: 17208

A guy in a plane stood up and shouted, “HIJACK!” All passengers got scared.

From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back, “HI JOHN!”

Score: 2159

John Cena woke up from a coma John Cena: Where am I?

Nurse: ICU

John Cena: No you don't.

Edit: double enter

Score: 1891

IT guy John is being shown around the office by his new boss. They enter the IT department and John sees a man using two keyboards at once. "That's incredible", says John. "Trust a geek to use two keyboards at once". "Hey!" replied his boss. "That's stereotyping. "

Score: 1393

A guy in a plane stood up & shouted “HIJACK!” All passengers got scared . . . Then from the other end of the plane a guy shouted back, . . . “Hi JOHN”

Score: 1333

Surgeon: "Stay calm John, it's just a little cut with a scalpel, no need to be nervous." Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"

Surgeon: "I know, I am"

Score: 1045

I started calling my toilet the "Jim"... instead of the John.

It sounds much better when I say that I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

Score: 1003

Score: 851

Mom: Why don't you talk to John anymore, you used to be best friends? Son: Well, would you be friends with someone who was stupid, took drugs and was drunk all the time?

Mom: No, Never!

Son: Well neither would he!

Score: 745

"sometimes you just need a car ride to clear your head." - John. F. Kennedy

Score: 450

My friend started calling the toilet the Jim instead of the John He said it sounds better when he tell people he goes to the Jim everyday.

Score: 396

I wouldn't be mad. And the Lord said unto John "Come forth and receive eternal life". But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Score: 387

My Bathroom I've decided to call my bathroom the Jim instead of the John.

It sounds better when I tell folks I go to the Jim every morning.

Score: 339

If a man's signature is called a "John Hancock" what do you call a woman's? Historically insignificant.

Full disclosure: Heard on the radio this morning on my way to work.

Score: 326

Civil War spoilers Lee surrenders at Appomatox Courthouse, Abe Lincoln is shot by John Wilkes Booth.

Score: 274

Doctor: I'm sorry John, but you suffer from Auto Correct Syndrome John: I didn't even know I was I'll

Score: 267

I like Elton John. Brilliant on the piano Sucks on the organ tho.

Score: 264

Wife: "Honey, I think you're a little to harsh to one of our kids." Husband: "Who do you mean? John, Michael or the fat one?"

Score: 256

Long John Silver just donated us one of his crew members. Thanks for the stranger kind Silver!

Score: 240

The best joke that I have ever heard :) And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"
But John came fifth, and won a toaster

Score: 233

John has 20 watermelons and tim has none. John threw one watermelon at tim, what does tim have now? A concussion.

Score: 211

"Honey, you're not really nice to your son" "Which one do you mean? Steve, John or the fat one?"

Score: 203

John Cena wakes up from coma Cena: Where am I?
Nurse: I C U
Cena: No you don't

Score: 196

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

Score: 184

His original name was John Kennedy They added the F later to pay respects

Score: 184

What’s the difference between humans and a bullet? Humans miss John Lennon.

Score: 180

What's the difference between Jack Daniels and John Wayne? Jack Daniels is still killing Indians.

Score: 173

Apple, the FBI, and John McAfee are sitting in an office... Only two were invited, but the third one got in through the backdoor.

Score: 164

And the Lord said unto John.. "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Score: 162

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came in fifth and won a toaster.

Score: 159

What do JFK, John Lennon and Donald Trump have in common? Nothing. But a man can dream.

Score: 120

A guy in a plane stood up & shouted "HIJACK!" . All passengers got scared.. From the other end of the plane a guy shouted back " HI JOHN".

Score: 114

I decided to rename my toilet from "The John" to "The Jim." I feel much better saying I've been to "The Jim" this morning.

Score: 110

And the Lord said unto John, '.... come forth and ye shall receive eternal life.' But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Score: 83

Do you know why Elton John plays the piano? Because he sucks on the organ

Score: 72

What's the difference between humans and bullets? Humans miss John F Kennedy

Score: 71

Lord said unto John: Come forth, and I will give you eternal life. But John came fifth, so he won a microwave.

Score: 68

Instead of calling my toilet "the John", I call it "the Jim" from now on... That way, it sounds better whenever I say: "I go to the Jim every morning."

Score: 43

John and Bill are having a conversation. John says I've got a joke.

Bill replies ok what is it.

John: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Bill: Nacho cheese.

John: Aww, how did you know?

Bill: Because it's Nacho joke.

Score: 42

So John Kelly claims that the lack of an ability to compromise led to the Civil War... I wouldn’t say that’s 100% accurate, but at least 3/5ths.

Score: 39

New John Jokes

After I left my farm to join the army, I learned that my wife bought a new tractor to replace my labor. She wrote me a "John Deere" letter.

Score: 8

What do you call a person crossing a road in broad daylight, dressed as a clown carrying John Wick's dog? Anything you want, cos if he's carrying John Wick's dog, he hasn't got much time to live.

Score: 4

Just a John Cena joke John Cena woke up in the hospital with no idea of what was going on.The nurse walked in and he asked
"Where am I?"
She responded
"ICU"
He said
"No you don't "

Score: 9

Just watched Elton John's new standup act... It's a little bit funny.

Score: 4

Where did John go after the explosion in his house? Everywhere.

Score: 20

My girlfriend is the daughter of Arya Stark and John cena The girl has no name and you can’t see her

Score: 4

John: Carl, why do you have a bandage on your ear? Carl: I was ironing my shirts and my phone rang. I picked up the iron instead of the the phone and burned my ear.

John: I get that. But why do you have a bandage on the other ear?

Carl: Well, the phone rang again.

Score: 19

My girlfriend is the daughter of arya stark and John cena She has no name and you can't see her

Score: 10

For Halloween I'm going to dress my dog up as a famous pope. I was thinking Pope John Paw.

Score: 4

I walked into John Cena taking a shower I think I've Cena nuff

Score: 6

Before taking lessons, Elton John first learned how to play the piano by ear. I still think it was easier to use my fingers.

Score: 4

They found a 106-year-old fruitcake in Antarctica That's right. They found Elton John in Antarctica.

Score: 5

It was reported that Roger Daltrey, Pete Townshend, John Entwistle, and Keith Moon just released a number of canines from the local pound It can now be said that The Who let the dogs out

Score: 19

I have a dishwashing liquid that attacks grease. Mostly the uninspired cinematography and John Travolta's singing.

Score: 4

John went to the doctor... Apparently he is incapable of Bending the Knee

Score: 5

Two men, about to be hung from the gallows Dave turns to John, and asks:
Dave: Why did the chicken cross the road?
John: I don't know.
Dave: Me neither, but I'll see you on the other side.

Score: 7

John Candy offered John Goodman sweets John: Candy?
John: Nah, I'm good, man.

Score: 29

What do you call an unknown baker? John Dough

Score: 38

John goes to the gas station John goes to the gas station and asks the owner: What does a drop of gas cost? The owner answers that he could get a drop for free. So John goes on to say: Well then, I would like to have a tank full of drops.

Score: 11

When i went to ask mom for gym money Me:Mom give me some money for the gym.

Mom:Will you become John Cena after going to gym?

Me:Am I becoming Einstein by going to school?

Score: 5

Put all my John Lennon memorabilia on Ebay Imagine all the paypal

Score: 24

How to use "had" 9 times in a row grammatically Suzy was writing a paper and asked John to edit it, which he did. In one section, John, where Suzy had had "had", had "had had"; "had had" had a much nicer sound to it.

Score: 6

I've read like 7 jokes about John McCain's cancer today If I read tumor, it's gonna benign.

Score: 18

Why was John F. Kennedy secretly a more successful actor than Ronald Reagan? He always knew how to take the perfect headshot.

Score: 3

Elton John thinks that "sorry" seems to be the hardest word. He clearly hasn’t been to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

Score: 10

What's the difference between Jack Daniels and John Wayne? Jack Daniels killed more indians than John Wayne.

Score: 9

Where do cantaloupes go in the summer? To John Cougar's Mellon Camp

Score: 9

Me trying to flirt Me: hey girl you dropped something
Girl: what?
Me: your standards, hi I'm John

Score: 22

John Wick stabbed a guy in the shoulder. He was left with a bad shoulder blade.

Score: 4

Thanks to John Deere Black lives haven't mattered for a long time

Score: 5

Instead of the 'John', I call my toilet... Instead of the 'John', I call my toilet the 'Jim'. That way it sounds more impressive when I say, "I go to the Jim first thing every morning".

Score: 11

I'm considering selling all my John Lennon memorabilia on eBay. Imagine all the PayPal

Score: 4

John: Doctor I heard you can get AIDS in the public toilets. Is this true? Doctor: I mean... yeah, but it's uncomfortable.

Score: 14

If you have 13 candy bars and John eats 9, what does John have? Type 2 diabetes

Score: 20

What's the difference between Jack Daniels and John Wayne? Jack Daniels is still killing Native Americans.

Score: 20

The math teacher asks little john "If you have 5 apples and James takes 3 from you, what will you have ? "

little john : a fight sir !

Score: 7

Elton John is a great piano player... ...but he sucks on the organ.

Score: 23

What did John Lennon's mother say to get him to eat his vegetables? "Come on John, give peas a chance."

Score: 14

James Bond gets called into M's office M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.

Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!

M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.

Score: 17

John is a fast learner Interviewer: What's your biggest strength?

John: I'm a fast learner.

Interviewer: What's 11 * 11?

John: 65.

Interviewer: Not even close. It's 121.

John: It's 121.

Score: 6

A man is walking through a cemetery when he sees a headstone that reads, "Here lies John, an honest man and a lawyer."

"How about that," he thinks. "Three men buried in one grave!"

Score: 22

What do you call a toilet with a prostitute on it? A John, of course.

Score: 4

A man goes to see his lawyer and says.... "I can't stand my name. I'm sick of people making fun of me. I want to officially have it changed."

The lawyer says: "What's your current name?"

"John Bedwetter."

"What do you want to change it to?"

"Paul Bedwetter."

Score: 3

Where do cantaloupes go in the summer? To John Cougar's Mellencamp.

Score: 3

John McCain and Donald Trump should run together as President/Vice President Then we would finally get a political McDonalds.

Score: 7

jim I've decided to no longer refer to the bathroom as "the john". Instead I will call it "the jim". That way, I can say in all honesty that I went to the jim this morning.

Score: 35

John Cena wakes up in the hospital... He asked the nurse, "Where am I?"
The nurse replied, "ICU."
He looks at her and says, "No you can't..."

Score: 34

John robbed some coffee from Starbucks the other day. The police are charging him for mugging.

Score: 39

Where do cheeses go to the bathroom? In a Parma-John.

Score: 3

"Sometimes you just need to go for a drive to clear your head" -John F. Kennedy

Score: 14

The difference between John Wayne and Jack Daniels... Jack Daniels is still killing indians.

Score: 3

So my mom got me a box of tin soldiers... I smashed up my majors and tore down my generals. The dog ate my lieutenants and I lost the colonel. The sergeants were lost in uncle John's hay so now I'm stuck playing with my privates all day.

Score: 12

I took a piano lesson with Elton John... He was so nice, he even offered to push in my stool.

Score: 5

What does John Cena wash his hair with? Champ who?

Score: 9

What do you call John Cena in camouflage? Redundant

Score: 7

My girlfriend is like John Cena I can't see her :(

Score: 16

After a night of drinking, John walks into a metal bar The music was great and he hooks up with a beautiful blonde.

He awakes at the hospital with a mild concussion.

Score: 21

What do you call 75 year old John Cena? John Cenile.

Score: 6

The farmer's wife just ran off with a farm equipment salesman. She wrote him a John Deere letter.

Score: 4

If John has 50 candy bars and eats 45 of them what does John have? Diabetes. John had diabetes.

Score: 13