Hilarious Man Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Man Jokes

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

Score: 26303

Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks? Because with great power comes great response ability.

Score: 19435

As a child, I always thought of my dad as a superhero The Invisible Man

Score: 18680

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

Score: 18443

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!

Score: 17668

My girlfriend yelled at me today saying, "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought, "Man, what a weird way to start a conversation."

Score: 17386

A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

Score: 17212

Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.

Score: 16182

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will spend hundreds of dollars on equipment he will
use twice a year

Score: 15739

A man is on trial for cannibalism A man is on trial for cannibalism.
He says to the judge,

"Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man."

Score: 15365

Score: 15264

Man says to his boss “Can we talk? I have a problem.” Boss says “Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!”

Man says “Ok I have a serious drinking opportunity.”

Score: 14865

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Happy Mother's Day!

Score: 14816

Carrie Fisher runs into George Micheal in the afterlife... She says, "Oh man, I'm a huge fan! I've got every one of your albums except the first one."
He says, "I find your lack of 'Faith' disturbing".

Score: 14763

I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!" Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."

Score: 14472

My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I said, “That’s Superman.” He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

Score: 14329

Iron Man is a very confusing character. I know he’s a guy but he could’ve been Fe Male.

Score: 13865

Donald Trump has decided to take just $1 as his salary for the job of the President instead of the usual 400,000. That man would do just about anything to avoid paying the taxes.

Score: 13827

My wife cheated on me with the garbage man I asked her how she could do such a thing and she said "He actually pays attention to me, he takes me out!" I replied, "That's because it's his job, honey."

Score: 12560

At breakfast, a man asked his wife “What would you do I if won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half, and then leave you.” “Great,” he said “ I won $12 yesterday. Here’s $6. Stay in touch.

Score: 12454

Why is Japan the healthiest country in the world? Because last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died

Score: 12124

Wiki joke Officer: “I’m arresting you for downloading all of Wikipedia”
Man: “No wait! I can explain everything!”

Score: 11447

Up the mountain, a japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why every western man thinks that we, japanese, all look alike?" "I am not Master Akira."

Score: 11333

The creator of Mad Libs died this week. His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

Score: 10881

It is unfair how for every $1 a man makes, a woman makes $0.78... Because then the man is left with only $0.22...

EDIT: Wow, this blew up on my way home.

Yes, this joke is from Bo Burnham as others have so nicely pointed out. Check out his work; he is a comedic genius.

Score: 10173

A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier... "Have you any two watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That’ll do, I'll take two."
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn’t have any."
"Any what?"
"Yes please!"

Score: 10103

An English man, German, French and Italian are standing at the side of a street watching a street performer The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded:
"Yes"
"Oui"
"Sì"
"Ja"

Score: 10089

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day. Push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

Score: 10025

A man tells a Rabbi: "I have a strong desire to live to eternity" "Get married," replies the Rabbi.

"Is that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?"

"Not really, but the desire will disappear."

Score: 9868

A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."

Score: 9806

A blind man walks into a bar The bartender says "Oh hey! I haven't seen you in forever!" The blind man says "same"

Score: 6864

A man goes on a date Friend: 'How did your date go?'

Man: 'I talked too much about my obsession with simplifying fractions'

Friend: 'That wasn't a very good idea'

Man: 'Yeah, well hindsight is 1'

Score: 4788

A 40 year old man asked the Trainer in the Gym, 'I want to Impress Beautiful Girls, which Machine should I use?' The Trainer replied, 'Outside the Gym, there is an ATM. Try that'

Score: 2749

You meet a man on the Oregon trail... You meet a man on the Oregon trail that tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him that Terry is a girls' name. Without hesitation Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead. You have died of dissin Terry.

Score: 2659

A man is washing his car with his son. The son asks: "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

Score: 2517

What do you call a man with 6,022 x 10^23 dollars? A Moleionaire

Score: 1912

A man cheats with his wife's sister Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!

Wife: You slept with my sister!

Man: When i got to work she was just laying there naked on my table! What was I supposed to do?!

Wife: The autopsy!

PS: Didnt make this up

Score: 1822

A fat man was standing in front of a kindergarten One of the teachers comes and asks him:

"Are you expecting a child?"

"No. I am a bit fat that's all"

Score: 1729

A man was drinking the blood of a vampire... He said, "Hm, irony"

Score: 1568

A man tells his wife before he goes to bed, "I'm gonna go get your aspirin" The wife says, "Aspirin? I don't have a headache."
"Ah, HAH!!" The man exclaimed

Score: 1555

New Man Jokes

A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone. "Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"

Score: 456

One man's trash is another man's treasure. Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

Score: 320

In an argument, a woman always has the last word. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Score: 382

A man using Apple maps walks into a bar Or a pharmacy, or maybe a shoe store.

Score: 833

You can't hang a man with a wooden leg, You need a rope.

Score: 322

Build a man a fire and you'll keep him warm for a night set a man on fire and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life

Score: 336

Judge: “Why did you steal the car?” Man: “I had to get to work.”
Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”
Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.

Score: 884

How many shots can an Irish man handle? about 10 rounds.

Edit: (Mayweather vs McGregor)

Score: 918

A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, "Oh, pun the door"

Score: 657

Making jokes about Trump taking us to war is all fun and games until You realize you're a healthy young man

Score: 821

Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank, Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.

Score: 628

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket.... You can hide, but you can't run

Score: 1061

However, he can't, because the punch line is out of order. A man at a party wants to grab some punch, so he walks to the punch line.

Score: 479

What is the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bike, and a well-dressed man on a unicycle? Attire.

Score: 1384

I threw a Chinese man down the stairs... It was Wong on so many levels.

Score: 360

A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks, "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

Score: 768

A young man robbed a bank wearing a suit made of many mirrors But he turned himself in after taking some time to reflect.

Luckily the judge was lenient as he saw a lot of himself in the young man.

Score: 373

I am a man trapped inside the body of a woman. I will never keep lube and glue in the same drawer ever again.

Score: 489

“Wonder Woman” earned $300 million worldwide in first week. "Wonder Man" earned $400 million for doing the same job.

Score: 408

Man tries to open a bank account Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."

Score: 387

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian at the info desk if they have any books on Pavlov's dog or Schrodinger's cat. The librarian thinks for a moment before replying "It rings a bell but I'm not sure whether it's there or not."

Score: 617

A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?" The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."

Score: 1242

My friend keeps saying, "Cheer up man, things could be worse, you could be in an underground hole full of water." I know he means well

Score: 827

There was a man with a wooden leg called Steve. I wonder what was his other leg was called.

Score: 332

did you hear about the man that got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.

Score: 492

There was once a man named Odd. People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.
Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."

Score: 384

If a man with a foot fetish cheats on his wife... Does that mean he got off on the wrong foot?

Score: 493

Saw a homeless man eating grass in the park... Asked him "why are you eating Grass?"

He said "I'm very hungry"

"Oh. Okay then. Come with me"

You should've seen the look on his face when I showed him my backyard.

Score: 958

If you are a man explaining something, you are "mansplaining." If you are a woman explaining something, you are... "Wrong"

Score: 684

A man was giving good advice for $1 I gave him $1 and he replied," stop wasting money."

WTF

Score: 321

Why did the Mexican man take Xanax? For Hispanic attacks

Score: 1007

I took my finger out of her hole, and in seconds she was going down on me. I thought to myself, Man. I am really gonna miss this boat.

Score: 1029

Give a man corn and he eats for a day. Teach a man to grow corn and he'll kill you and steal your land.

Score: 324

Give a man a gun, he'll rob a bank Teach a man to run a bank, he'll rob the American people.

Score: 620

What does it mean when a man looks deep into your eyes? it means that you are flat chested.

Score: 430

Today, I gave a homeless man a watch, a phone, and $300. You won't believe how happy I felt after he put his knife back in his pocket.

Score: 337

What do you get if you spell Man backwards? Flashbacks.

Score: 742

My girlfriend screamed at me today. "You weren't even listening to me just now, were you?" I thought, man, what a weird way to start a conversation.

Score: 576

Give a man...... Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

Score: 1202

One day Bruce Wayne learned that his great great great great great great grandmother encountered a vigilante who called himself "The Man of Bats..." It was his Nana's Nana's Nana's Nana's Batman.

Score: 1055

A man knocked on my door asking for a donation towards a new public swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

Score: 394

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, and he'll eat for a lifetime.

Score: 573

As I was approaching my driveway, I saw a big black man running away with a TV in his hands and I wondered if it was mine. Upon entering my house, I was relieved to see that mine was at home polishing my shoes.

Score: 571

They say you can’t get a decent job without education. But look at Albert Einstein – he was a drop-out and still ended up being the first man on the moon!

Score: 1146

A man has been shot with a starting pistol... The police are pretty sure it's race related.

Score: 1111

A man just released from prison was walking down the street shouting, "I'm free! I'm free!"... A little boy yelled back at him, "that's nothing, I'm four!"

Score: 1168

Teach a man to fish, and he'll be able to eat for a lifetime Teach a Nigerian to phish, and he'll become a prince.

Score: 940

I saw a man at the beach going "Help! Shark! Help!" I laughed because I knew that the shark wasn't going to help him.

Score: 329

What's the difference between a Pakistani preschool and Isis headquarters? I don't know man I just fly the drones

Score: 395

A man says to his son: "Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe"?" "You're not fooling me dad, a chair!!"

"Not this time, your dog died."

Score: 455

So I was at the Library today .. And a black Gentleman came over to me and asked where the coloured printer was. I replied "Man its 2016 you can use any printer!"

Score: 670

A black man and an autistic man walk into a bar The autistic man orders a shot, but the black man gets it instead

Score: 860

I shot a Black Man the other day I got charged with impersonating a Police Officer.

Score: 1101

I got arrested for killing a black man They charged me with impersonating a police officer.

Score: 657

Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Give a man a poison fish and feed him for the rest of his life.

Score: 587

Can a woman make a man a millionaire? Only if he's a billionaire.

Credits to Kevin Hart

Score: 853

So a man walks into a bar... and never comes back for my entire childhood.

Where are you dad?

Score: 1037

An ancient Greek walks into a tailors with a torn pair of pants: "Euripides?" Asks the tailor.

"Yeah, Eumenides?" Replies the man.

Score: 508

A woman in her twenties sees a large black man walking by and decides to flirt with him. “So is it true what they say about black guys?” He responds, “Sure is.” Then he punched her in the face and stole her purse.

Score: 438

How many 'Nam vets does it take to change a lightbulb? YOU DON'T KNOW MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!

Score: 635