Hilarious Mother Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Mother Jokes

Virginity in school Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the schools are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."

Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."

Score: 22557

Score: 17143

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife... Happy Mother's Day!

Score: 14816

Rumor is that Toy Story 4 will focus on Andy's mother's toys, which coincidentally are called Woody and Buzz too.

Score: 12044

A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated. Edit: mother of three...
Edit: mother of two...
Edit: mother of one...

Score: 4684

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes.... Actually, it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle...

Score: 4276

I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law. My wife asked "aren't you going to help?" I said no. Six should be enough.

Score: 3553

I'm a proud anti-vaxx mother of five children! Edit: four children

Second edit: 2 children!

Score: 3250

I told my new girlfriend that my mother is deaf... So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mother that my new girl friend is disabled. Now we wait.

Score: 2520

Whats Saudi Arabia's highest rated sitcom? How I bought your mother

Score: 2362

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.

Score: 2275

I try to teach my mom something new everyday. Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

Edit: Apparently a lot of you are all teaching my mother new things too. Weird.

Score: 2262

What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school? Mumbai!

Score: 2186

Why does Oedipus hate profanity? He kisses his mother with that mouth.

Score: 2099

My wife accused me of hating all of her relatives. I told her "That is not true, intact I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

Score: 2038

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I️ said, “No, in fact, I️ like your mother in law a lot better than I️ like mine”

Score: 1684

Kid: "mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?" Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy.."

Score: 1582

Son: Dad, why is my sister named Teresa? Dad: She's named after something your mother loves, Easter! It's an anagram.

Son: Thanks dad.

Dad: No problem Alan.

Score: 1311

My Wife just accused me of hating her side of the family and relatives. I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

Score: 1009

What did little Johnny's mother do when she caught him zapping the other children with static electricity? She grounded him.

Score: 926

This Mother's Day, my dad got a new car for my mom. He said it was the best trade he's ever made

Score: 915

My mother in law has a massive case of diarrhea She won’t find out until she gets home and unpacks her luggage

Score: 910

I told my girlfriend my mother is deaf... So she would have to speak loudly and slowly.

I told my mom that my new girlfriend is disabled.

And now we wait.

Score: 843

Doctor : Does it hurt? Mother : Yes, a lot.

Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?

Score: 816

What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"

Score: 759

My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work... ...I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.

Score: 689

Why was the little ink drop crying? His mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.

Score: 670

I was walking down the street with my wife.. And i saw my mother in law being beaten up by six men, when my wife asked "Aren't you going to help?" I said "No, six should be enough."
From Les Dawson.

Score: 656

"Knock knock" "Who's there?" "Dave." "Dave who?" Dave begins to sob uncontrollably as he realises his mother's dementia has worsened.

Score: 640

My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it." Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

Score: 639

Old soviet joke. Who is your mother?

Our great Soviet country.

Who is your father?

Our dear comrade Stalin.

What's your greatest desire?

Becoming an orphan.

Score: 601

Tomorrow isn't just mother's day It's son-day as well

Score: 598

A boy wrote Santa: "please send me a sister". Santa wrote back: "Alright, send me your mother".

Score: 309

A woman searches for something in the living room. After an hour, worried, she asks her husband:

- Have you seen my book?

- Which one?

- How to live to become 100 years old.

- Ah yes. Yesterday, i threw it away.

- But why?

- Your mother started reading it...

Score: 296

a hooker says "Hey padre, twenty dollars for a quicky". He has no idea whats going on, so he returns to the monastary and calls the Mother Superior to his office and asks her "Whats a quicky?" She replies "Twenty dollars, same as in town".

Score: 277

Anagram of "mother in law" Woman Hitler

Score: 269

The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband. They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.

Score: 260

My Dad got a Mercedes for my Mom this Mother's Day. He says it's the best trade he ever made.

Score: 254

My mother asked me to hand out invitations to my brother’s surprise party. That’s when I realized he was her favourite twin.

Score: 244

-Dad,why is my sister named Teresa? +Because your mother loves easter.Teresa is an anagram for Easter.

-Thanks Dad

+No problem,Alan.

Score: 236

New Mother Jokes

One day a boy asks his mother “Why are you white and I’m black”
His mother replies,
“Son, what I can recall from that party, you are lucky you don’t bark”

Score: 30

Mother receives a telephone call from school telling her they are sending home her son for peeing in the swimming pool. "But everyone does that," she says.
"Not from the top diving board, they don't."

Score: 25

A man drives up to a prostitute He asks her: "what would your mother think if she saw you here?"

She replies: "she'd probably kill me, this is her spot"

Score: 67

My mother in law complained that the thermometer I gave her (which she hung in a very sunny spot) wasn't showing an accurate temperature. So I told her to stick it where the sun doesn't shine.

Score: 23

My mother-in-law once went on holiday with a massive case of diarrhoea. She only found out when she opened her suitcase.

Score: 29

I’ve decided to call my mother-in-law the ‘Exorcist’ ...because every time she came to visit she’d make all the spirits disappear

Score: 20

I've spent more than four years looking for my mother in law's killer. But I can't find anyone to do it!

Score: 22

My mother always said the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach Lovely woman, TERRIBLE surgeon

Score: 19

If Two and half men, the Big Bang theory and How I met your mother had ever done a crossover episode It would have been called How I banged your mother with two and a half men

Score: 29

After my mother’s funeral, we all went for lunch at an Indian restaurant. When the waiter came to check that we had everything on our order he noticed my daughter crying. He asked me what was wrong, I told him she was just missing her nan.

Score: 52

My mother died two weeks ago and my son hasn’t attended English classes since. I think he’s missing gramma.

Score: 25

"What school?" Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?"

Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"

Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"

Patrick: "What school?"

Score: 43

Please pray for my mother-in-law. She was taken to hospital this morning. A bee landed on her face. Luckily she wasn't stung. I was too quick with the spade.

Score: 43

What did the son reply when his mother asked if he needed a drive to his yoga class? "Nah, ma, stay"

Score: 32

I remember my mother telling me, “I have no favorite child.” Harsh seeing as I’m an only child.

Score: 184

What do Italians say when their mother gets lost during a war? Mama MIA.

Score: 21

I was at Christmas dinner with my family and I asked my Grandfather what he does for a living... My Mother replied, "I'm a ventriloquist."

Score: 46

At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me "Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"
"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...
"I'm not . . . I'm her mother."

Score: 20

"Dad, why is my sister called Rose?" "Becausr your mother likes roses."

"Thanks dad"

"No problem Alex."

Score: 36

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."

Score: 143

When my mother died all my father said was, "Cough, fatigue, fever." He's a man of flu words.

Score: 20

My mother's knock knock joke Mom: Knock knock?
Me: Who's there?
Mom: Not your father.

Score: 26

A man wanted to go to the hospital. He asked his mother for directions. She said just close your eyes and cross the street, they will come and get you themselves.

Score: 32

The Apple Doesn't Fall Far From The Tree Son: "Dad where did I come from?"

Dad: "One day your mother and I were walking through an apple orchard..."

Son *rolls eyes*: "And you grabbed an apple not far from a tr..."

Dad: "I slipped in cider."

Score: 61

Son of chief: "Father, how are we named?" Chief: "After you are born, your mother looks out of the teepee and names you the first thing she sees."

Son: "Oh wow, is that how you were named Soaring Eagle?"

Chief: "Yes, Horse Taking Dump"

Score: 18

A girl gets home from school and is greetrd by her mother Mom: "What'd you do in school today?"

Daughter: "We learned all about the male reproductive organs"

Mom: "Oh, and what else?"

Daughter: "Well then we watched as the police came and took Mr. Brown away"

Score: 27

A boy says to his mother, "Mom, how come you're white but I'm black?" "Sweetie, the way I remember that party, you're lucky you don't bark."

Score: 38

I look more like my mother than my father. He doesn't look like her at all.

Score: 108

Little Mary is at her first wedding. When it’s over, she asks her mother, ‘Why did the lady change her mind?’

‘What do you mean?’ asks mother.

‘Well,’ replies Mary.

‘She went down the aisle with one man and came back with another.

Score: 30

I call my wife Bambi and she thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes... Actually, it's because I shot her mother with a hunting rifle...

Score: 173

A pen maker's joke I asked the ink drop why it looked so sad.

He said his mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long her sentence would be.

Score: 26

My mother-in-law fell down our well last week but she is fine she stopped crying for help 2 days ago

Score: 86

When is the only time you're smiling and winking at your mother in law? When you're looking at her through a rifle scope.

Score: 19

If patricide is killing your father, matricide is killing your mother, and fratricide is killing your brother... Is pesticide killing your sister?

Score: 32

Women are like parking lots. The good ones are already taken and the others are either disabled, mother with child, or you pay for your time.

Score: 190

First Day At School The child comes home from his first day at school.

His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

Score: 117

How I Met Your Mother... ... is the longest and most popular Ted talk.

Score: 94

What did the mother rope say to her child? “Don’t be knotty.”

Score: 20

Two married men are talking: - My mother-in-law is an angel - You're lucky, mine's still alive.

Score: 75

I was a stillborn child My mother didn't want me but I was still born

Score: 194

If the big bang theory, how I met your mother and two and a half men had ever crossed over it would've been called How I banged your mother with two and a half men

Score: 65

A mom asked her son, "Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother?" He stared and replied, "My name's Paul."

Score: 132

A little girl tells Mommy, "When I grow up, I wanna be a feminist." The mother looks to her sweet, little daughter and says, "Sweetheart, you're going to have to pick one or the other. You can't do both."

Score: 55

My mother always told me: "If you want a job done well, do it yourself" That theory didn't pan out too well with my last surgery.

Score: 19

My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

Score: 68

"Where's your mother in law?" - "She's in the garden."

- "Where? I can't see her."

- "You have to dig a little."

Score: 127

Boy: My mother's name is Laughing and my father's name is Smiling. Teacher: You must be Kidding.

Boy: No, that's my sister's name, I'm Joking.

Score: 110

Today would've been my mother's 50th birthday... But due to drug use and bad choices We all forgot about it

Score: 114

I'm Becoming a Hindu Son : Dad I want to learn about Hinduism

Dad : So are you going to be praying to your mother now?

Son : What are you talking about...

Dad : Hindus worship cows right?

Score: 22

It's Albert Einstein, not mine Few things are Infinite,
The Universe, Human stupidity and the amount of times you have to tell your Mother you can't pause an online Game.

Score: 38

Preston: Knock Knock! Mom: Who's There

Preston: Preston.

Mom: Preston who?

Preston let out a disheartening sigh as he walked away from the door, knowing his mother's Alzheimer's was getting worse.

Score: 75

So I saw my mother-in-law getting beaten up by six guys "Aren't you going to do something?" My wife asked.
"Nah, six should be enough."

(Les Dawson)

Score: 81

What did the Indian child say to his mother before he left for school? Mumbai!

Score: 17

Johnny's mother called his father at work... "Johnny just swallowed a nickle and spit up two dimes, what do I do??"

"Keep feeding him nickles!"

Score: 28

Did you hear that Microsoft is giving away Office to parents? Word to your mother.

Score: 51

What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? What did E.T.’s mother say to him when he got home?

WHERE ON EARTH HAVE YOU BEEN?

Saddest joke ever.

Score: 39

I said to my wife's mother "when you're dead, I'll dance in your grave." she said: "Good, I'm being buried at sea."

Score: 21

Why did the hipster get burned when he drank his coffee? The barista make a joke about sleeping with his mother.

Score: 79

What's the difference between your mother and a bowling ball? You can only get 3 fingers in a bowling ball!

Score: 22

Last night a police officer knocked on my door and said "Sir, it looks like your mother in law has been hit by a bus" I replied " I know, but she has a great personality."

Score: 56