Hilarious Murder Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Murder Jokes

Where's the best place to hide after committing murder? Behind a badge.

Score: 11827

[At the scene of the murder] Cop 1: This seems racially motivated. Cop 2: Hate crime?

Cop 1: Of course I hate crime, moron. That’s why I’m a cop.

Score: 11429

Being cheerful and peppy in the morning is a lot like committing murder. We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.

Score: 4508

They say there is a person capable of murder in every friendship group,... ... i suspected it was Dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm

Score: 1975

I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn and they just hung up. They said that couldn't do anything about crows and to stop calling.

Score: 1275

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. “How was he killed” asked one detective. “With a golf gun.” Replied the second detective.

“A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?”

“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan”

Score: 1029

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder. Footprints

Score: 691

This season of Earth is not realistic So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story?

I'm feeling Lost.

Score: 497

Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.

Score: 440

I called the police to report a murder in my front yard but they refused to respond They said if I really wanted the crows gone I'd have to do it myself

Score: 417

Where’s the best Place to hide After a Murder? Behind a Badge

Score: 403

Score: 399

A falling battery killed a man today. It was charged with murder.

Score: 382

They say there's a person capable of murder in every friendship group. I suspected it was Dave, so i killed him before he could cause any harm.

Score: 379

I was rated "number 1 most likely to not murder you in a cabin in a forest" in highschool. I know, kind of a weird thing to be rated for but you won't find someone who disagrees.

Score: 291

The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband. They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide.

Score: 260

What are two reasons it's so hard to solve a redneck murder? 1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

Score: 259

Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve? Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

Score: 236

We're having a traditional Thanksgiving this year. We're going to invite the neighbors to dinner, murder them, and take their land.

Score: 232

Where do you hide after a murder? Behind a badge.

Score: 230

Where's the best place to hide after committing a murder? Behind a badge.

Score: 199

Courtroom Prosecutor: Did you kill this man?

Me: No

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalty for perjury is?

Me: Yeah, it’s a lot less than the penalty for murder

Score: 176

I was arrested for killing a black man I thought I would be charged with murder, but instead I was charged with impersonating a police officer.

Score: 161

I witnessed an attempted murder earlier... Luckily only one crow showed up...

Score: 148

What's the best place to hide after committing murder? Behind a badge.

Score: 142

If abortion is murder Is jerking off genocide?

Score: 142

What do you call a group of crows who see food? A tempted murder.

I'll see myself out now.

Score: 134

I almost witnessed a murder Luckily, only one crow showed up.

Score: 126

Antivirus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by the Police for murder charges. If they catch him, they estimate the trial could last 30 days.

Score: 122

09:51 Arrive at the crime scene. 09:51 Find murder victim.

09:51 Cordon off the area.

09:51 Start searching for murder weapon.

09:51 Realise watch has stopped.

Score: 108

How did the train conductor use the insanity defense when she was accused of murder? She claimed she had locomotives.

(I'm sorry.)

Score: 100

If someone is killed by an earthquake, is it murder by de*fault*?

Score: 63

i watched my classmate murder our professor with a calculator it was graphic

Score: 63

What's a difference between a crusade and a homicide In one, you murder for a book and in other you are booked for a murder.

Score: 61

What do you call it when 2 crows are sitting on a tree? An attempted murder.

Score: 60

Why is it so hard to solve a redneck murder? All the bloods the same and there are no dental records

Score: 50

The murder rate among trans women of color is so high You'd think they were black guys.

Score: 45

Why can't redneck murder mysteries be solved? Because all the DNA is the same and there are no dental records.

Score: 40

Why are redneck murder victims so hard to identify? Everybody's DNA is the same and there are no dental records.

Score: 33

Murder A blind man, a deaf man and a mute are murdered.

These are senseless killings

Score: 33

New Murder Jokes

Why could Will Smith never get away with murder? First thing they look for at a crime scene is fresh prints.

Score: 3

What happened to the bard that planned a murder with a lute? It went all achording to plan.

Score: 8

I have this instinct to murder the most beautiful person in the world and I want to give into it. But I also don’t want to commit suicide.

Score: 4

Why did the Mona Lisa commit murder? She never did, she was just framed!

Score: 3

Why is it so hard to solve a redneck crisis murder? They have no dental records and they all have the same DNA...

Score: 5

Why is it so hard to solve a murder in a trailer park? Because the DNA evidence is all the same and there are no dental records

Score: 9

Two IT pros are being held on charges for murder The local hospital's life support machine was acting up, so they turned it off and back on again.

Score: 5

I once Googled, "How to commit murder and get away with it"... The first result was, "Don't Google how to commit murder and get away with it."

Score: 22

Saw two crows perched on a fence together It was an attempted murder.

Score: 3

Detective: "Where were you on the night of the murder?" Suspect: "At home, sir."
Detective: "That's where the murder happened idiot."

Score: 12

I watched a crow land on the line out front today it was joined by five more in a few minutes. They sat cawing softly a bit, then flew off different directions.

I think I just saw an attempted murder.

Score: 3

Why was the spanish train engineer being accused of murder? He had a locomotive.

Score: 3

Getting away with murder is easy What's the victim going to do?

Call the police?

Score: 8

Did you hear about the attempted murder? Russel Crowe, Sheryl Crow and John Crow were all in a room together.

Score: 3

What do you call 2 crows on a branch? Attempted murder

^have ^fun ^figuring ^out

Score: 3

A Canadian was on trial for second-degree murder. He was acquitted, but he apologized anyway.

Score: 4

What do you get when you cross a hillbilly and a murder suspect? A person of incest.

Score: 32

Did you hear about the Mexican Train Murder? They said he had a loco motive.

Score: 21

What do you call two crows trying to throw a party? Attempted murder

Score: 15

Did you hear about the doctor who sent a group of crows to a mental health institution? He committed a murder.

Score: 12

A man walks into the police station. Man: I saw your flier outside.

Officer: The "wanted for murder" flier?

Man: Yes, and I'd like to apply.

Score: 4

I nearly ran over a couple of crows with my car today. It was almost a murder.

Score: 5

Bogo the clown killed two people but was only charged with one count of murder.

Score: 3

Did you hear about the recent celebrity murder? Sheryl Crow, Russel Crowe, and Cameron Crowe all happened to be in one room. Nobody was injured.

Score: 8

Did you hear about the hippo on trial for murder? He's currently in de Nile.

Score: 2

A detective has finally solved a high profile dog murder. He successfully followed a lead.

Score: 4

A detective in Paris is conversing with the hunchback of Notre Dame about a murder committed the previous night Detective: Well, who do you think did it?

The Hunchback of Notre Dame: I have a hunch.

Score: 5

Wheres the safest to be after a murder? A casket.

Score: 5

A yoga instructor killed a student before class started He's being charged with pre-meditation murder.

Score: 6

I just witnessed a murder... They just flew over my house

Score: 7

What do you call some crows who really want something but know that they shouldn't. A tempted murder.

Score: 3

What does your future and a group of crows have in common? A murder

Score: 6

Just witnessed an attempted murder... Luckily, one of the crows flew off.

Score: 3

A herd of cattle... A murder of crows... ...a migraine of children...

Score: 24

They say it's good to have friends in high places but now everyone is dead and the cops say it's murder.

Score: 4

So a guy kills himself the night he gets acquitted of murder. No one explained to him what a hung jury meant.

Score: 5

Why did the crow get sent to jail? He was caught in a murder

Score: 2

I'm gonna pitch a show to Netflix, called"Speak No Evil" Its about mimes that commit murder

Score: 3

I was told if I wanted to plan a murder, I needed to take everything one step at a time... So I pushed my victim down the stairs.

Score: 6

BREAKING NEWS: Man convicted of first degree murder. He pleaded guilty of killing another man by repeatedly slamming his victim's head in a door made of cement. "The case was open-and-shut." Said the prosecutor.

"We had plenty of concrete evidence."

Score: 2

What did the rabbit police officer say when it was investigating a murder? "We shouldn't jump to conclusions"

Score: 2

What do you call 2 crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

Score: 2

There was a trial about a murder involving a handled container... It was a brief case.

Score: 2

An inspector arrives at murder scene of an obese man by a cannibal It was a lot to digest

Score: 11

What do you call the killing of a duck? A murder moist fowl.

Score: 2

TIL: How to deal with a murder Put up a scarecrow

Score: 3

If I ever commit a murder, I'm doing it with Indian flatbread. Naan violent crimes almost never merit life sentences.

Score: 8

Why did the robot kill someone with its empty battery? So it would get charged with murder.

Score: 6

Two Scientists Walk Into a Bar The first scientist says "I'll have some H2O"

The second scientist then proceeds to grab a stool from the bar and throw it at his colleague, realising that the first scientist was trying to murder him.

Score: 6

I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment". Oh really? You mean you didn't actually catch the murder on video?

Score: 2

What do you call two crows on a fence? Attempted murder.

Score: 3

What do you call a group of 30 crows and 3 people dressed as crows. A Murder, most fowl.

Score: 2

What do you call a short psychic who got away with murder? A small medium at large

Score: 2

What do you call a bunch of crows that go to church? A mass murder

Score: 3

Why was the policeman sent to talk to a bunch of crows? Because someone said there was a "murder".

Score: 4

You know what was the biggest travesty to come out of the OJ Simpson Murder Trial? It made Kardashian a house-hold name.

Score: 3

Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because she suspected that 7 knew she had witnessed a murder he had committed the night before.

Score: 3

What does Agatha Christie call a group of almost every type of bird? A Murder of Most Fowls!

Score: 2

The inventor if the anti-virus software has been charged with murder. They expect the trial to last 30 days

Score: 20

After reading, 50 shades of grey, my wife asked to treat her like Anastasia ... so I got the Bolshevik secret police to murder her family and I sold her to a Russian pig farmer.

Score: 2