Hilarious Night Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Night Jokes

My mother used to tuck me in every night She always wanted a girl :(

Score: 17143

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. “You’re coming home now!” she screamed.

“No, I’m not,” I laughed.

She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

Score: 16323

Last night I was attacked by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.

Score: 13931

I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she'd show me a good time. When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.

Score: 13598

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row… They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts…

Score: 13034

I once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went Then it dawned on me

Score: 12960

I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. "Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."

Score: 10431

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?". I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

Score: 9999

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight" The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

Score: 9598

I met a North African girl the other night, we spoke for hours. We just clicked.

Score: 9531

I spent hours trying to find what the opposite of “night” was. But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.

Score: 9061

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

Score: 8010

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand? The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p

Edit2: grammar, damnit

Edit3: dammit!

Score: 7614

A robber broke into my house last night looking for money So I woke up to look with him.

Score: 7594

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Score: 7563

Bing could have totally crushed Google if they had called it "Bang" I mean, think about it.. "I BANGED Emma Watson last night."

Score: 7245

Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there? It’s open Mike night!

Score: 7143

Don’t you hate it when you can’t sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago? I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night

Score: 4514

I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "Paedophile!" That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.

Score: 4510

Our President Elect is a real tough guy... The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

Score: 3992

Two kids were talking... Kid 1: I bet you're a virgin

Kid 2: I was a virgin, until last night!

Kid 1: Lies!

Kid 2: Ask your sister.

Kid 1: Ha! I don't have a sister!

Kid 2: You will in about nine months!

Edit: Thanks for the support guys!

Score: 3733

What does a robot do after a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.

I'll see myself out.

Score: 3505

Score: 3117

Arrested for being too good in bed! My girlfriend dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled "I'm arresting you for being too good in bed"

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charges due to lack of evidence.

Score: 3065

Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate! The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

Score: 2693

What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? He nuts and bolts.

Score: 2365

To the woman who keeps pounding on my door at night: I'm not letting you out.

Score: 2324

What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard? a new last name

Score: 2316

I was pulled over last night and the officer asked me if I had a police record. I told him “no but I have a couple albums by Sting.

Score: 2288

I just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row... ...they told me I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts

Score: 2191

I was talking to a girl in a bar last night She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

Score: 1563

My mom used to tuck me in at night... I think she really wanted a girl.

Score: 1500

Kid 1: "Hey I bet you're still a virgin " Kid 2: "Yeah I was a virgin until last night"

Kid 1: "As if"

Kid 2: "Yeah just ask your sister"

Kid 1: "I don't have a sister"

Kid 2: "You will in about nine months"

Score: 1448

Saw "IT" last night Far less "computer networking" and so much more "murderous clowning" than anticipated

Score: 1332

I have a dog with no legs I call him cigarette. Every night I take him out for a drag.

Score: 1186

An very attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night. And brought it to a table of friends.

Score: 983

My wife caught me cross dressing last night. So I packed her things and left

Score: 877

My next door neighbor banged on my door at 3:00 am last night. Fortunately, I was wide awake, playing my bagpipes on the back porch at the time.

Score: 726

An attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night and brought it to a table of friends.

Score: 642

I went to a bar last night and I saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said "Wow, great legs."

She giggled and said "Really?"

I said "Yea, most tables would've collapsed by now."

Score: 497

New Night Jokes

so I went to the bar last night and saw this fat girl dancing on a table... I said "Good legs." The girl giggled and said "You really think so?" I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."

Score: 68

Two kids were arrested last night. One ate a battery, the other ate fireworks. They charged the first, and let the other one off.

Score: 69

I went to a pub last night and saw a fat girl dancing on a table... I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Score: 381

A little boy and a clown are walking through the woods at night... "Golly!" the boy says, "It sure is scary out here!"

"You think you're scared!" the clown replies. "I'm the one who has to walk home all alone."

Score: 90

Cops turned up at my place last night "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a car..."

I said "Yes but she has a great personality."

Score: 269

*mugger pulls a knife* Mugger: gimme your money

Me: well this night took a SHARP turn

*later*

Doctor: it's a record for amount of stabs

Score: 205

I slept like a baby last night. Kept waking up randomly and crying myself back to sleep.

Score: 91

I had a dream last night about an armored horse. It was a Knight mare.

Score: 156

Many people can't fall asleep due to some obsessive thoughts. Been thinking about this all night.

Score: 94

My local cinema was robbed last night of £754. The thieves took a bag of maltesers, a pick n mix and a large drink...

Score: 97

I was on a first date last night. We were at a bar and when i looked at her i couldn't believe how beautiful she was. I started to go weak at the knees and sweat all over my forehead.

It was only then i realised, that i drugged the wrong drink.

Score: 98

I was at a disco last night They played the twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. So I jumped.

They played come on eileen. I got kicked out.

Score: 144

Build a man a fire and you'll keep him warm for a night set a man on fire and you'll keep him warm for the rest of his life

Score: 336

Had a blind date last night. Her name was ..:::.::…..:::.::

Score: 90

I was in a bar last night when a waitress screamed... "Does anyone know CPR?"
"I know all the letters of the alphabet" I shouted back.
Everyone laughed.........well except this one guy.

Score: 256

The Irish must have lost so much money last night due to betting. They'll be asking to rejoin the United Kingdom later today.

Score: 263

What’s the engineering term for a one night stand? A nut and bolt.

Score: 267

A man stumbles to his front steps late one Tuesday night... He clumsily opens the door to be met by his furious wife.

"Drunk again?!" she asks.

He chuckles and says "Hey, me too."

Score: 104

You're the only reason I get out of bed in the morning. I only go to work and become a better person because of you. You make me workout on weekends and get in shape. And I try to turn you on every night. I love you, alarm clock.

Score: 98

What does a robot do on a one night stand? He nuts and bolts

Score: 59

I got so drunk last night I got so drunk last night I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.

Score: 241

I'm an agnostic, an insomniac, and a dyslexic Every night I lie awake wondering if there really is a dog.

Score: 253

Last night I went to a costume party dressed as a chicken and met a woman dressed as an egg. One thing led to another ... and a lifelong question was answered.

Score: 196

What do you call a sexist Masseuse? A Massaginist!

It's an awful joke I came up with last night and couldn't stop giggling thinking about it.

Score: 183

I had a threesome last night There were a couple of no-shows, but it was a good night

Score: 52

Thieves broke into my house last night looking for money... I quickly got up and started looking with em!

Score: 119

She was a princess, He? a prince She offered her honor.
He honored her offer.
All night long, it was
Honor, and Offer.

Score: 117

Gambling has really helped me get back on my feet Because I lost my car in poker last night.

Score: 119

Last night I went out dressed as a chicken and got with a girl who was dressed as an egg... Life long question was answered

It was the chicken

Score: 103

I got a strange note in my bag at the Taco Bell drive-thru last night... The lady seemed very frazzled and the note said "help there are two armed men inside."

I drove off laughing, thinking "well yeah it would take forever to make tacos with one arm"

Score: 211

To the Scumbag that stole 300 cans of RedBull from my shop, I don't know how you can sleep at night.

Score: 53

I saw this really fit girl in the nightclub last night and she was wearing a chessboard patterned shirt... So, I made a move on her.

Score: 173

I think my neighbor is stalking me.. she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night

Score: 389

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for one night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Score: 101

What do you get when you combine insomnia, dyslexia and agnosticism? Someone who lies awake at night, wondering if there is a dog.

Edit: A word

Score: 298

I just started practicing some speed reading techniques. Last night I read "War and Peace" in about 10 seconds. I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!

Score: 157

What's the best thing for a hangover? Drinking heavily the night before.

Score: 129

Last night my parents found S&M videos on my laptop. "What should we do?" My mom asked.

"Well we can't spank him!" My Dad replied.

Score: 106

Once in a bar, one guy says to another... "I slept with your mom last night." The whole bar falls dead silent waiting for the second man's come back. After a while, he laughs and says... "let's go home, dad. You're drunk."

Score: 104

How does a robot do a one night stand? It nuts and bolts

Score: 459

I went to a restaurant last night where none of the food was real; it was all just special effects. CGI Fridays.

Score: 104

Made love to my wife last night, just like they do in the movies I was fast, she was furious

Score: 61

I was having a beer with the wife last night, when I suddenly blurted out, "I love you more than anything on earth!" She said, "I bet that's the beer talking, isn't it?"

I said, "No, it's me talking to the beer!"

Score: 361

Davinath the Indian wife beater punches his wife every night at 7 PM. On the dot.

Score: 325

Last night I watched a documentary on how they put ships together... It was riveting!

Score: 69

What do you call a robot whose sole purpose is to have one-night stands? Nuts and bolts

Score: 261

I got a dog with no legs..... I call him cigarette because I take him for a drag every night.

Score: 96

Bill Gates wakes up one morning, hungover, after a late night soirée at the foundation. Melinda looks at him and says, "Wow, Bill, you don't look so good."

Bill replies, "Yeah I know, I feel like a million bucks..."

Score: 85

I suddenly forgot where the sun went at night... ...then it dawned on me.

Score: 440

Last night my wife and I did it "doggy-style"... I sat up and begged, and she rolled over and played dead.

Score: 431

A group of teenagers robbed our local supermarket and stole 180 cans of red bull. I don't know how these people can sleep at night.

Score: 180

What do you get if you cross an insomniac with an atheist and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night, wondering if there is a file after death.

Score: 55

So I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta last night... Now it's a Ford Focus.

Score: 52

Last night I ate 3 large spicy curry rolls while watching Westworld. These violent delights have violent ends.

Score: 85

Did you hear the score to the game last night? America: 8
Ethiopia: Didn't

Score: 58

My neighbor came pounding on my front door at 2am last night lucky for him, I was up practicing my bag pipes.

Score: 122

What did the egg say to the boiling water? "Sorry, it's going to take me a while to get hard, I got laid last night."

Score: 382

I had my first ever threesome last night... There was a couple of no-shows but I still had a great time.

Score: 84

So I ordered the 50 cent at the bar last night... The bartender gave me 9 shots and took all my money

Score: 56

Last night a police officer knocked on my door and said "Sir, it looks like your mother in law has been hit by a bus" I replied " I know, but she has a great personality."

Score: 56