Hilarious Non Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Non Jokes

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”. Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

Score: 19389

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister It tastes the same but it's just not right.

Score: 7901

I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society. My parents did.

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Non-alcoholic beer is a lot like going down on your sister... it tastes the same, but it's just not right.

Score: 2750

What kind of organization is Atheism? Non-prophet.

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Seminar "How to avoid frauds" is canceled. Tickets are non-refundable.

Score: 1237

The bartender asks "why the non-linear sequence?" Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar.

Score: 1082

"Sorry Moses, but you can't join Greenpeace..." "...We're a non-prophet organization."

Score: 1078

Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?

Score: 798

For all you non-native English speakers out there... "Read" is pronounced like "lead", while "read" is pronounced like "lead".

Score: 692

I got fired on the first day of my new job for asking customers if they would prefer "Smoking or Non-Smoking." Apparently, the correct phrase is, "Cremation or Burial."

Score: 644

What kind of organization is Atheism? A non-prophet

Score: 293

What do you call an atheist business? A non-prophet organization.

Score: 291

Effective immediately, the navy is only conscripting non-swimmers. They defend the ships much more eagerly.

Edit: an adverb.

Score: 281

What even is Atheism? A non-prophet organization.

Score: 279

So many Christians run non-profit organizations. On the other hand, atheists... ...only run non-prophet organizations.

Score: 247

I'm writing a book about WD-40. It's Non-Friction

Score: 198

What is atheism? A non-prophet organisation.

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What is Atheism? A non-prophet organization.

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Atheism Is a non-prophet organisation.

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TIL Atheism.... ...is a non-prophet organization

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What do you call an atheist charity? A non-prophet organization

Score: 146

I have created the only non-racist Chinese joke. So I went to Chinatown today. There were too many bright lights. I asked them to dim sum.

Score: 132

Non-alcoholic beer is like eating out your sister. It tastes the same but it's still wrong.

Score: 122

Why did the non-binary prospector go out west? Because there was gold in them/their hills.

Score: 107

Top 13 facts you NEVER knew about non-conductors. #7 won't shock you.

Score: 84

Do you know what game non-vaccinated kids play? Marco Polio.

Score: 79

Why did the non-binary farmer go to California in 1841? Because there be gold in them/their hills.

Score: 78

My dog won't play fetch with my frying-pan. 

It must be non-stick.

Score: 76

How are non-vaccinated children and good jokes similar? They both never get old.

Score: 62

What do you call it when a group of atheists come together to help people? A Non-prophet Charity

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What do you call an atheist charity? A non-prophet organisation.

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A man in a coma is like a non-responsive Windows program You can either wait for it to respond or terminate it.

Score: 36

Atheism... It's a non-prophet organization.

Score: 33

I have a new recipe that's gluten free, sugar free, no-fat, non-GMO, pesticide free, low-calorie, vegan, kosher and paleo-friendly. It's a real breath of fresh air.

Score: 19

Why is autism less frequently diagnosed in non vaccinated kids? You gotta be alive to have autism.

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Why did the Church of Scientology try to assassinate the non-binary feminist? Xenu too much.

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My friend stole the book I was reading and threw it across the table where it slid with ease It was non-friction.

^^^^I'm ^^^^sorry.

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How many non-binary gender-fluent people does it take to change an LED lightbulb? DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY LIGHTBULB?

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New Non Jokes

Boys are PCs, girls are Macs and non-binary people are Linux

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It took a pandemic for the corporate world to realize that most of their meetings and conferences are non-essential. Manager 0 Employee 1

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I for one am glad that female singers with "normal", "non perfect" bodies like Rizzo and Billie Ellish are having such career success. How else will we know when it's over?

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People seem to remember high school differently than I do, but generally the same. For example, everyone hated Algebra 2. Weirdly, we all know it as the time my teacher continuously screwed me non-consensually while I was half-asleep.

Score: 1

It's proven that vaccined kids are more likely to have autism than the non-vaccinated ones. A dead person can't have autism.

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Why did the non vaccinated four year old start to cry Because he was going through a mid life crisis

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I'm a part of the atheist community Its a non-prophet organization

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The Atheist Church of America just filed a new tax status with the IRS. 

They are a non-prophet organization.

Score: 7

Why can’t a member of the LGBTQ movement be a computer programmer? Because they are non-binary.

Score: 5

Why isn't there any transgender person in matrix ? Most of them are non-binary.

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A wild brown rabbit recently became the world's very first non-human creature to be charged with a crime and subsequently arrested. The charge: Disturbing the peas!

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Easter is one of the few non-drinking holidays. Unless you have the right attitude and a can-do spirit.

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My rich friend just hired a maid who he calls Non Sequitur. Because she’s Latin and does not follow.

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Who are the worst programmers? People who are non binary

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I like my bears like I like my molecules Polar and non attractive

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Whats the same about a non-married couple from Alabama? Their last name

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What is it called when a History major doesn't get laid? The non-intercourse act

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What is the most Canadian non-alcoholic drink? American beer.

Score: 3

My wife said she'd leave me unless I could remember lyrics from 4 non blondes I said hey, what's going on?

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Jay and Silent Bob is only funny to non stoners..... Jay and Silent Bob is only funny to non stoners..... Because everything is funny to real stoners.

Score: 4

What do you call a non-religious Urologist? An apostate feelin' your prostate.

Score: 3

What do you call a film that's entirely in stop-motion? Non-stop motion.

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What do you call a non-binary bathroom? A guess-t bathroom.

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Why did the librarian keep falling down? Because she was in the non-friction section

Score: 3

Never make a wish to a deaf genie I wanted to be more artistic. Instead, I woke up with severely impaired social interaction, impaired verbal and non-verbal communication, and restricted and repetitive behavior.

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A Pencil is just like a non existent Sandwich. Because it isn't.

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What rhymes with anxiety? Think about that question non stop for no reason whatsoever.

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[OC] I'm starting a Deist church. It's a non-prophet institution.

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A man is at a business conference, and he's looking for something to drink that's non-alcoholic. He asks the waiter where the line is for punch. The waiter points at a sign that reads... [Punchline]

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What does a quantum computer say to an ordinary computer? I am non-binary.

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Here's the thing about non sequiturs... I can never find a pillow that fits the size of my head

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I had ordered a DIY, non-invasive, homeopathic fat reduction kit, and I was really excited that the package just arrived today! But when I opened it up, it was just a pair of running shoes :(

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I saw Comedy Central launch a funny non-political TV show... Then I woke up

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Only Non-Vegans will get this Protein

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What does a non-moving cat and a motorcycle traveling at 80mph have in common? They make the same sound.

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Non-chain restaurants are usually better than chain restaurants because they're... off the chain.

Score: 5

What do you call an atheist church? A non-prophet organization.

Score: 7

Wife asked me why I always read the instructions that come with personal lubricants. I thought she knew that I like reading non-friction.

Score: 3

My friend told me that he was going to buy a bunch of Intel CPUs. I told him to stop that non-Zens.

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Parallel lines have so much in common, but this plane is non-euclidean so I can't come up with a good punchline

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I am a non-unionized brain surgeon... AMA

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Why do atheist organizations make little money? They are non-prophets

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They say drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your sister. I wouldn't know because I've never drank non-alcoholic beer.

Score: 1

Did you hear the one about the atheist charity? It's a non-prophet.

Score: 7

Finding the perfect shower temperature on the first try is like my girlfriend Non existent, but I hope every day.

Score: 4

After many years of philosophizing, I have decided to affirm the principle of non-contradiction... ...And deny it.

Score: 1

What do you call a quadriplegic moose wearing a Guy Fawkes mask? A non-knee moose!

Ba-dum-tiss

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What does NASCAR really stand for? Non Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks

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An apple a day... Keeps the non-binary away

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I just started a non-cis dating website. You know. For people interested in Trans-Specific Partnerships.

Score: 5

2016 has been a bad year: my attorney sued me for assault, my health-club canceled my membership for non-payment. On the plus side, my social media presence increased! So 2016: Hit attorney, deleted gym...but Facebook up!

Score: 2

My brother wears non-prescription glasses whenever he takes a math test He says it helps with the vision.

Score: 2

What do you call an non alkaline Jewish family. Hasidic

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I found a new recipe that's fat free, gluten free, sugar free, dairy free, preservative-free and is non-GMO. It's a real breath of fresh air.

Score: 2

What's the difference between Chris Brown and a radio station? The radio station only has 90 minutes of non-stop hits.

Score: 4

I think I'm non-committal I mean I'm pretty sure, but, you know, who knows, really?

Score: 4

What did the clerk say to the customer who tried to buy a candy bar with plastic quarters? This is non-cents!

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The "Personal life" section of my Wikipedia article is actually pretty accurate. It's non-existent.

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People often complain and belittle alternative religious organizations like atheism and scientology... but at least atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Score: 1

A short one for classical musicians I once owned a frying pan that once belonged to the great Leopold Stokowski. It was non-stick.

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