Hilarious Not Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Not Jokes

Score: 47510

A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.” Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

Score: 26303

I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me and then I didn’t show. I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.

Score: 23065

Wife: “I’m pregnant.” Me: “Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad.”

Wife: “No you’re not.”

Score: 21210

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

Score: 19936

Do you know how to avoid clickbait? Obviously not.

Edit: Wow guys! I did not expect to get over 200 upvotes on this common repost! Thank you kind strangers!

Score: 19437

Funny that when a guy sleeps with tons of girls, he's a stud.. But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.

Score: 18567

Communism jokes are not funny Unless everyone gets them

Score: 18058

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive? I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...

Score: 17564

A man was arrested and taken to an interrogation room He says to the police officer, "I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."

"You are the lawyer," says the policeman.

"Exactly, so where's my present?"

Score: 17212

Remember, If your apartment is hit by a dolphin, DO NOT GO OUT TO SEE IF THE DOLPHIN IS OKAY That's how the hurricane tricks you into coming outside.

Score: 17097

My wife is turning 32 soon... I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

Score: 16911

Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said "This isn't working I'm going to my mum's" I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.

Score: 16624

Im surprised that Roy Moore wants a recount; a large gap in numbers had never bothered him before. Get it?

Edit: I'm not removing the "Get it?" Part.

Thicc Sauce is Andre Segers

Another Edit: thanks for making "Get It" a meme <3

Score: 16330

My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. “You’re coming home now!” she screamed.

“No, I’m not,” I laughed.

She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

Score: 16323

I like my women like I like my whiskey. 12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Disclaimer: This is just a joke, i do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.

Score: 16297

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked… I’m not sure what freaked him out more – my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

Score: 16281

The UK Prime Minister just announced her resignation. This is not surprising. It is the end of May, after all.

Score: 16164

I have two conditions in my will... 1) I want my remains spread around Disney World

2) I do not want to be cremated

Score: 15930

A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: 'You'll never guess with how many women I've slept!' 'Mmm?'

'Not that many!'

Score: 15668

Not to brag, but I’ve satisfied every waitress that has ever served me. With just the tip.

Score: 15004

Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine. I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.

Score: 14676

Donald Trump - "I'm not orange!" "Impeach."

Score: 14486

My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” I said, “That’s Superman.” He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”

Score: 14329

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?" I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

Score: 14161

I dig, she dig, we dig, he dig, they dig, you dig .. It's not a beautiful poem but it's really deep.

Score: 13768

Apparently you can’t use “beefstew” as a password. It’s not stroganoff.

Score: 13743

Why do we call "#" a hashtag and not pound? Because feminists wouldn't appreciate the PoundMeToo movement.

Score: 13447

Hey girl, are you a broken compass? Because I’m not really sure where I’m going with this

Score: 13356

My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose. Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.

Score: 13299

Who decided to call it “marijuana possession" and not “joint custody?”

Score: 13075

I think I've been hacked by Russia. Edit: I not hacked by Russia. The motherland do no such thing. Have good day.

Score: 12347

I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners? Not a fan.

Score: 11669

"Son you're just not cut out to be a mime." "Is it something I said?"

"Yes."

Score: 11405

"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn’t breathe?” “You’re not fooling me dad, a chair!”

“Not this time, your dog died.”

Score: 10462

So I told my wife she'd look sexier with her hair back Apparently that's not a nice thing to say to cancer patients.

Score: 10115

One day when I was young...... I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.

Score: 10061

Not everything Donald Trump says is stupid. The Chinese built a wall 2,000 years ago - and they still don't have any Mexicans!

Score: 9911

Why are all Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off

Score: 8270

I named my kid Bob Ross He was a happy little accident.

Edit: Wooo! Front page! I was not expecting that. I woke up today and saw a k after the amount of upvotes I was expecting. Thanks!

Score: 8046

New Not Jokes

I'm a virgin by choice. Not my choice, but everyone else's.

Score: 825

My girlfriend is turning 32 soon... I told her not to get her hopes up.
"After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."
When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

Score: 3621

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn."

Score: 758

I think I've been hacked by Russia Edit: I not hacked. Motherland do no such thing. Have good day.

Score: 1808

I asked a librarian for a book about Pavlov's dog and Schroedinger's cat. She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

Score: 2308

What's the difference between an actress and a hooker. That's not a very good defence Mr Weinstein.

Score: 3821

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not. I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

Score: 1343

Just another dad joke WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I'm pregnant

HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad

WIFE: Second: No you're not

Score: 3229

Boy: [kissing girl on couch] you wanna take this upstairs? Girl: He-he, sure baby.

Boy: Awesome! Grab the other end, and try not to scuff the banister.

Score: 971

Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet? Because all the other letters are Not-Cs.

Score: 1385

My neighbors listen to really good music Whether they like it or not.

Score: 945

My 7 year old nephew told this joke to my sister : what's the first thing you do after waking up and the last thing you do before going to bed? Nephew: Brushing your teeth!

Mom: oh honey that's not a joke.

Nephew: it is if you think that's what I do!

Score: 3591

This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

Score: 3813

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat. She said it rang a bell but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

Score: 1318

What is the difference between North Korea and EA (Not repost) North Kor

Score: 1342

Mom I got a boyfriend! Daughter: Mom I got a new boyfriend, our neighbour Joe.

Mom: But he could be your father!

Daughter: Age is not that important to me.

Mom: That's not what I was talking about...

Score: 1445

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

Score: 1937

I know every single digit of pi! Just not in the right order

Score: 1903

A majority of English Speakers do not know the opposite of these words... Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

Score: 961

The sky above looked ominous, so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain again today?!" It replied, "It is and don't call me Shirley!"

Guess I forgot to take my phone off Airplane mode…

Score: 1928

Why does Donald trump use twitter instead of Facebook? Because he has followers, not friends.

Score: 1173

I'm not passive aggressive Unlike *some* people
Edit: thank you kindly for all the upvotes!

Score: 1410

I hate women who lie over the smallest things. My girlfriend of 2 months told me she had a lot of abandonment issues. I looked it up online and that's not even a real magazine. So I packed my bags and left her.

Score: 695

Trump: The less immigrants that come in, the better Pence: The fewer

Trump: I told you not to call me that yet

Score: 2392

I bought a cheap thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it's terrible.

Score: 1496

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you're alive? I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.

Score: 1916

Two Romans were in a bar having a conversation.. Roman 1: you won't believe how many women I've slept with

Roman 2: mmm?

Roman 1: don't be ridiculous, not that many

Score: 2171

Just quit my job at the helium factory. I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.

Score: 1236

Somebody stole my mood ring I'm not quite sure how I feel about it.

Score: 1001

I'm being attacked by Russian hackers! Sorry! Is mistake. Russian people not do such things! Have good day.

Score: 1203

A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?" The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."

Score: 1242

In US Presidential History: Washington could not tell a lie, Nixon could not tell a truth... and Trump can not tell the difference

Score: 833

I got kicked out of the library today... Apparently putting the feminism books in the sci-fi section was not acceptable.

Score: 1375

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad you're alive? I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again

Score: 834

i'm not german, but this is a little jokie joke Overheard at the White House:

Trump to Vice-President Mike Pence: "the less immigrants we let in the better."

Pence to trump: "The FEWER.."

Trump interrupts Pence and says: "don't call me that in public".

Score: 791

If I bring you breakfast in bed, just say, "Thanks." Not "Who are you?" and "How did you get in my apartment?"

Score: 917

Interviewer: What's your biggest strength? Me: I'm a fast learner.
Interviewer: What's 11 * 11?
Me: 65.
Interviewer: Not even close. It's 121.
Me: It's 121.

Score: 1321

Accordion to scientific studies, 90% .. of people do not realise I replaced the beginning of this joke with a musical instrument.

Score: 2221

My wife accuses me of favoritism over my children, which is not true. I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

Score: 817

Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking weed. You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.

Score: 1064

The First Rule of Fight Club... ... Is to not talk about fight club.
The second rule of fight club...
Please keep your seat belt on at all times when the light is on.

Score: 1420

What does a carpenter do after a one night stand? The second nightstand.

...I'm so sorry.

Edit: grammer, and i guess I'm not sorry :p

Edit2: grammar, damnit

Edit3: dammit!

Score: 7614

The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana". It's hard on your joints.

Score: 1541

In my spare time I like to help blind people. I mean the verb, not the adjective.

Score: 1219

I always wanted to be Batman when I grew up Not for the gadgets or the money. I just hate my parents.

Score: 869

The last four letters in "queue" are not silent They're just waiting their turn

Score: 3568

Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway! The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

Score: 1967

Chocolate is bad Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!

Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.

Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?

Guy: No, minding his own business.

Score: 1216

Does anyone know how to avoid click bait? Apparently not.

Score: 3542

Why did the match factory burn down? Because the workers went on strike

I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke

Score: 710

What does the Trump administration use instead of emails? Alternative fax.

Edit: This is not a political statement. I do not have an agenda. This is a bad pun for you guys to enjoy. Wake up sheeple!

Score: 1122

Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy. But he really saved the History channel.

Score: 862

[Politics] Trump: 'The less immigrants we bring in the better' Pence: 'The fewer'

Trump: 'I told you not to call me that yet'

Score: 919

Donald Trump is not a rapist. He's an "alternative romantic."

Score: 4244

How many dead hookers does it take to change a light bulb? Apparently not three. It's still dark in my basement.

Score: 984

"One mans trash is another mans treasure" is a great quote but, its not the best way to tell your kid that hes adopted.

Score: 2140

They used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now!

Score: 2135

I asked my doctor where to put my pants during my prostate exam. "Over there next to mine" was not the answer I expected.

Score: 1009

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents? Because the rest of the letters are not-E.

Score: 1279

TIL Calaway's Law states that "the best way to get the right answer on the Internet is not to ask a question, it's to post the wrong answer." Now we wait.

Score: 1761