Hilarious Old Lady Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Old Lady Jokes

Score: 1780

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice.. At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

Score: 1139

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance , so I pushed her over.

Score: 808

I was at the ATM when an old lady came up to me and asked to check her balance... So I pushed her over.

Score: 556

ATM I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

Score: 364

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

Score: 304

I saw a poor old lady fall on the ice today Atleast I think she was poor. She only had $.75 in her wallet.

Score: 206

There was an old lady at a ATM today, she asked me if I could help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Score: 200

Why did the old lady fall in the well? Because she couldn't see that well

Score: 193

I got hammered last night and woke up next to some fat old lady that was snoring. So I guess I made it home okay...

Score: 193

Why did the old lady fall into the well? She didn't see that well

Score: 179

how do you get a 78 year old lady to scream f**k?! get another 78 year old lady to yell BINGO!

waka waka!

Score: 173

I saw a poor old lady fall unconscious today. Well, I’m assuming she was poor because she had only a dollar in her purse.

Score: 142

An old lady who never married passed away. In her will, it specified that her tombstone say, "Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin." But that was too many words to put on the stone, so they they just wrote, "Returned unopened."

Score: 123

Just saw a couple of dudes trying to grab an old lady's purse so I ran over to help. We got it off her eventually

Score: 115

I was at an ATM and an old lady asked me to help check her balance So I pushed her over

Score: 92

So I was at the bank today and this old lady asked me to help check her balance. Well I was not very impressed, she fell over on the first try.

Score: 84

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”

Score: 82

This poor old lady slipped and fell on the ice today..... at least I think she was poor she only had 75 cents in her purse.

Score: 74

An old lady next to me on the airplane was scared by me being a muslim I laughed so hard my grenades almost fell out of my pocket.

Score: 73

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Score: 71

An old lady gets into an accident with a midget... ...he gets out of the car, obviously furious, and stomps toward the old woman. "I am *not* happy," he growls.
The old woman, calm as can be, says:
"Well, which one are you, then?"

Score: 58

Three old ladies Three old ladies were sitting on a bench seat when a Flasher ran up & Flashed them.

The first old lady had a stroke..

The second old lady had a stroke too...

The third old lady couldn't reach.....

Score: 49

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice. Well, I think she was poor. She only had £1.30 in her purse.

Score: 48

Why did the old lady fall into the well? Because she didn't see that well.

Score: 48

I was in the bank the other day.. and this sweet old lady asked me if I could help check her balance.

So I pushed her and she fell over

Score: 46

An old lady at the bank asked me if I could help her check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Score: 44

I just helped a poor old lady up off the floor after she had slipped in the rain. Well, I presume she's poor, she only had £2.57 in her purse.

Score: 38

There were two old ladies sitting on a park bench when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

The first old lady had a stroke,

but the second old lady couldn't reach it.

Score: 38

I lost my job as a cashier today. An old lady asked if I could check her balance so far.

So I pushed her over.

Score: 36

The old lady at the bank An old lady at the bank asked me if I could help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

Score: 35

How do you get a little old lady to say the f* word? Get another old lady to say "BINGO!"

Score: 34

I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Score: 33

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could help check her balance... .. so I pushed her over

Score: 32

I'm a bank teller and some old lady asked for help checking her balance ... So I pushed her over

Score: 32

I was walking downtown yesterday when this poor little old lady fell down in front of me. At least I think she was poor; she only had $2.10 in her purse.

Score: 30

How do you get a little old lady to say the "F" word? Yell bingo.

Score: 27

What did the pencil say to the suspicious piece of paper? I dot my i's on you!

-Heard this from an 85 year old lady in a nursing facility. The mental image of this joke is quite funny!

Score: 25

An old lady at the bank asked me if I could check her balance So I pushed her over

Score: 24

A police officer called the station on his radio... "I have an interesting case here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"Not yet. The floor's still wet."

Score: 23

New Old Lady Jokes

One day an old lady came to my bank and asked to check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Score: 9

Say what you will about the old lady that serviced Robert Kraft But once again, Kraft and the Patriots got quality veteran experience at a fraction of the cost of younger talents.

Score: 2

Old lady pushes her walker up to the counter at Starbucks and says... "I'll take a medium Sanka!"

Score: 2

Today at the bank, an old lady yold me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.

Score: 2

A politician helps an old lady across the street... when they’ve crossed the politician says...

”I suppose you’ll vote for me during the election now?”

the the lady replies...

”No, I have problems with my legs not my head.”

Score: 2

Little Johnny does poetry. One day in English class, Little Johnny is asked to write a poem. He gets up in front of class and tells them "I've named this poem Old Lady's Underpants."

Rose's are red,
Violet's are blue,
Grandma's are purple.

Score: 1

A little old lady told me this at work. Who is the most popular male at a nudist colony?

The guy who can carry a cup of coffee and 12 donuts.

And the most popular woman?

The lady that can eat the last donut without getting her hands sticky.

Score: 4

How do you get a sweet, little old lady to shout out an F-bomb? You get another sweet, little old lady to yell out "Bingo!"

Score: 2

What's the difference between oooh and aaah? 2 inches.

Credit goes to the random old lady who told me the joke :p

Score: 5

An old lady was smoking and pumping gas... Next thing I know, she's running around the parking lot, screaming, with her arm on fire. The cops showed up and arrested her for waving a firearm in public.

Score: 4

An old lady went to visit her dentist When it was her turn she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants and raised her legs.

The dentist said, "Excuse me; I 'm not a gynecologist."

"I know," said the old lady "I want you to take my husband's teeth out."

Score: 2

What is a Racist Old Lady's favorite snack? A Graham Cracker.

Score: 1

Today i gave up my seat to a blind old lady on the bus... thats how i lost my job as a bus driver.

Score: 10

An elderly lady takes a cab ride When she gets to her destination the drìver says, "That'll be $15."
The old lady lifts up her skirt and says, "How about I pay you with this? "
"Aw jeez lady!" the driver says, "Don't you have anything smaller?"

Score: 10

I was in the park, today, watching a sweet old lady feeding the birds Then I thought to myself: "I wonder how long she's been dead?"

Score: 18

Knock knock.. Knock knock!

Who's there?

Old Lady.

Old Lady who?

Huh, didn't know you could yodel.

Score: 3

Why wouldn't the old lady park her own car anymore? Cause she had parkingsons.

Score: 3

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench-coat walks in front of them, stops, and flashes them. The first old lady immediately has a stroke. The second old lady also has a stroke. But the third couldn't reach.

Score: 19

An old lady walks into a pharmacy \- I would like to buy a pack of acetylsalicylic acid.

\- Do you mean aspirin?

\- Oh yes! I couldn't remember the name!

Score: 5

Lesson in unconditional love Put your dog and your old lady in the trunk of our car for 15 minutes when you open it up who is happy to see you?

Score: 1

I tried to help an old lady across the street. She told me she had a boyfriend.

Score: 8

From the German Alps "Knock, knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Little old lady."

"Little old lady who?"

"I didn't know you could yodel!"

Score: 4

a pervert calls a retirement home an old lady picks up.

he starts directly "hey granny guess what i am holding in my hand ? "
granny replies " oh if it fits in one hand only then i am not interested "

Score: 4

A police officer called the station on his radio "Uh... Sir, we got a interesting case in here. An old lady shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped"

"Have you arrested the women?"

"No... the floor's still wet"

Edit:Grammar

Score: 3

I work with a bank and some old lady asked me to help check her balance ... So I pushed her over

Score: 5

Why did it take three Boy Scouts to help the little old lady cross the road? Because she didn't want to go.

Score: 2

How do you get a friendly 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Score: 1

When you are old, 3 things happen, says one old lady to the other. First is that you start forgeting things, and I can't remember the other two.

Score: 3

My grandpa flirting with a 91 year-old lady at his senior home. "You look young enough to be my daughter."

Score: 1