Contents
Contents
I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"
Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."
Soo we’re going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? What’s happening there? It’s open Mike night!
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then *gently* tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand*
Me: stop hitting yourself haha, why do you keep hitting yourself
Sister-in-law: ~crying~ is this why you wanted an open casket
On a cold winter's morning
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:
"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer is really screwed up now.”
What does a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one.
Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got
I was banging this nice lady...
I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front
door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking
back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every
day.
What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common? They both like to pop open a nice cold one.
I was holding a door open for this asian guy and he said "sank you". I punched him square in the jaw, how dare he bring up pearl harbour like that.
Today, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a kid... I can't wait to see how big my puppy is now!!!!
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, saying “this isn’t working anymore” I open the fridge and it’s working fine WTF
A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex. The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."
I was banging this nice lady………. I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.
My instructor asked me, "Can you read that car's license plate from here?" I answered, "YES!! NOW COULD YOU **PLEASE** OPEN THE PARACHUTE NOW!!!???"
If I ever move to Prague, I'll open a burrito shop. And call it Bohemian Wrap City.
A bag of Frito Lays and a bra are the same... Once you open them you realize there's only half of what you thought inside
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is I told him, "My door is always open".
Wife texts husband on a cold winter morning: Windows frozen, won't open.
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap the edges with a hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
I don't always beat my girlfriend, but when I do... it's to the door to open it for her.
What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common? They both love cracking open a cold one.
Man tries to open a bank account
Teller asks him : "Your name?"
"J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh"
"Oh you stutter?"
"No my dad did but the person who did by birth certificate was a complete moron."
How do you open a parachute? I need answers quickly please.
If anyone wants to come and talk about why my stuff keeps getting stolen The door is always open
If you're ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open don't panic You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it
My girlfriend was mad because I didn't open the car door for her. I just swam to the surface.
What one word really makes a woman open up and want to talk about everything on their mind? "Goodnight."
I went to the dentist today
Dentist: Open up please
Me: Sometimes I get sad.
Yesterday a clown held open the door for me What a nice jester.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman. But she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!!”
How can you tell a strip club is not open? The sign says, "Sorry, we're clothed"
What did the handless boy get for Christmas?
Gloves.
Just kidding, he's still trying to open his present.
PSA: IF YOU RECEIVE AN EMAIL SAYING, "You've won two free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!" DO NOT OPEN IT. It contains two tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.
I'm going to open my own bar and call it "Chrome" It will keep your tab open until you have no memory
Necrophilia is a lot like having a beer... there's nothing like popping open a cold one!
You call it necrophilia.... But I call it cracking open a cold one with the boys.
Marijuana businesses in Washington and Colorado are now allowed to use banks.. So long as they open joint accounts.
Which program do Jedi use to open PDF-files? Adobe Wan Kenobi
A black guy walks into a convenience store...
And says, "I'm looking for a job."
The store owner replies, "You're in luck! We have an open position that pays $100,000 per a month!"
The black guy says, "You're joking."
The store owner says, "Well, you started it."
A clown held open a door for me today. I thought it was a nice jester.
What does a frog wear on it’s feet? Open toad shoes
Today, I held a door open for a Clown. It was a nice Jester.
How do you sink a Canadian submarine? You knock on the door and they will open it and invite you in for a beer
What makes an alcoholic and a necrophiliac similar? Both like to crack open a cold one
Yesterday, a clown held open the door for me. it was a nice jester.
I'm going to open a strip club in Alabama... I'm going to name it Cousins.
With women being able to drive in Saudi Arabia, they will open a woman-only taxi service. It'll be called NiCab.
What type of sandals do frogs wear? Open-toad!
My Mom said this to me.
Me:*can't open bag of chips*I can't open it!Must be a production error.
Mom:*Opens it with ease*You're a production error..
I held the door open for a feminist last month. The trial date is December 12th.
Why did the Jew open the coffee shop? Hebrews
How did Mike Tyson open the door to alcoholism? Withkey.
A clown held the door open for me the other day. It was a nice jester.
A Hungarian cockroach was telling terrible jokes at an open mic night. What do you do? Budapest
Necrophilia The irresistible urge to crack open a cold one.
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach... ...that way, you don't have to break open that stupid ribcage.
What the boy with no arms got for his birthday? I don't know, he didn't open it yet.
What do you call a necrophelic gang-bang? Cracking open a cold one with the boys.
In case your parachute does not open
You have a lifetime ahead of you to fix it.
Edit: grammar
I held the door open for a Japanese guy today He said, "sank you", so I punched him in the face. I can't believe he would bring up Pearl Harbor like that.
TIL Necrophiles mean a whole different thing by Popping open a cold one with the boys.
R/Jokes is like a memory test I try to guess if I remember the punchline from earlier, before I open the details.
What do necrophiliacs and alcoholics have in common? They both want to crack open a cold one.
I held a door open for an Asian guy
and he said "sank you" so i punched him in the face. Serves him right for bringing up Pearl Harbor like that.
PS: Happy 4th of July
My 88 year-old grandfather is really good at sleeping.
He can do it with his eyes *open*.
It's been 24 minutes now and he hasn't blinked once.
Why wasn't the giant squid terrorising ships last night? He was too busy Kraken open a cold one with the buoys!
What do a necropheliac and the boys have in common? They both like to crack open a cold one
What did Zelda say to Link when he couldn't open a door? Triforce.
My wallet is like an onion.. When I open it, I cry.
Necrophilia is like drinking beer There's nothing like popping open a cold one
What tool do you use to open an egg? A hatchet
How are Computers and Air Conditioners similar? They both stop working when you open windows.
I tried being polite by holding the door open for a lady... I couldn't believe the ungrateful wench kept shouting at me, “I’m peeing in here!”
I am forming a mutual support-group for people who have been ripped-off by locksmiths. My door is always open.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None it should be open by the time she hands it to you.
Why do farts linger on in the Apple store? They can't open windows.
Anytime a man holds the car door open for a woman, one thing is for sure, either the car is new, or the woman.
I was trying to be a gentleman
And hold the door open for ladies.
But they kept screaming " get out, I'm peeing in here!"
I'm going to open up a store that only sells two bed covers and two snorkels. Just four sheets and goggles.
A Rastaman with a bag full of marijuana walks into a bank... and hands it to a cashier. The angry cashier asks 'Sir, what is this...?' The rasta replies "Wa yah ask foolish question, mi come to open a joint account!!"
I really like oxymorons. Phrases like jumbo shrimp, organized chaos, open secret Or United States of America.
I love open-minded people Like JFK or Kurt Cobain
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? As soon as you open it, you realise it’s half empty.
I went to a party at a morgue the other day We cracked open a few cold ones
I love open-minded people. Like JFK and Kurt Cobain.
Yesterday a clown held the door open for me I thought it was a nice jester
What do alcoholics and necropheliacs have in common? They both love to crack open a cold one.
I'm gonna open a Pho restaurant that never closes! It's called Twenty Pho Seven
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
I held the door open for a clown today... ...it was a nice jester.
There's an email going around that claims to include a nude photo of Hillary Clinton Don't open it. It contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.
I want to open a Reserve to breed, arm and train West Lowland Gorillas to fight Jihadists. I'm going to call it Boko Harambe
How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? As soon as you open it, you realize it's half empty.
I wanted to open up a summer camp for kids with learning disabilities apparently people think calling it a concentration camp is wrong
Always remember these 2 words in your life which will open many doors to you. Push and pull.
On a flight with my friend, he asks "if the door was to blow open would we fall out?" I reply "nah I'm pretty sure we'd still be friends
A clown held the door open for me today. It was a nice jester.
I'm going to open a restaraunt called pantera bread It will be similar to panera bread, but the food we serve will be much heavier
What do a necrophiliac and an alcoholic have in common? Every night they pop open a cold one.
Have you ever wondered whether it is your dog or your wife who is your real friend?
Yes? Well if you have, just try this experiment...
Put your dog and your wife in the boot of the car for an hour.
When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?