Hilarious Professional Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Professional Jokes

Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief? An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"

A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."

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What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus? A visit from the Scientific Professional Ethics Committee and immediate withdrawal of your grant funding.

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What is the difference between 9/11 and a professional gardener? One is an outside job

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What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common? They both shred footage.

(*be gentle, it's my first time.*)

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So Tim Tebow just hit a home run in his first professional at bat But he had no idea what to do once he got to third base.

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My dad is a professional Russian roulette player. He only lost once.

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"What is your biggest weakness?" asked the interviewer. I said, "Spiders."

He said, "Professional ones?"

I said, "I don't know, I've never seen one in a suit before."

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Do not vaccinate your children! Let a trained medical professional do it instead.

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A professional limboer walks into a bar. He was disqualified from the competition.

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I once dated a professional tennis player... But I had to end it when I realised love meant nothing to her.

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I am a professional counterfeiter. I even have the certificates to prove it.

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I tried to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but failed. Good players are hard to find.

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If you vaccinate your children, you're stupid. Let a doctor do it, hes a professional.

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I asked a co-worker to come over late at night. She said she wanted to keep our relationship professional. I said, "Okay, you can pay me."

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I'm going to start a metal band that writes songs about how important it is to connect with people in your professional network... ...and call it LinkedIn Park.

I'll show myself out now.

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I am trying to organize a professional Hide and Seek tournament, but it is turning out to be really difficult. Good players are hard to find.

Score: 60

I tried to be a professional blacksmith for a living... But I was arrested for forgery.

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What do you call a sarcastic canine medical professional? A dog, duh.

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Did you know R Kelly had a chance to be a professional Hockey player. Only problem was he never wanted to score after the first period.

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Having only ever competed in the 100m dash, what did the professional sprinter say after his first 200m race? I've finally turned a corner in my career.

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I paid a fish to come over to re-key my guitar, piano and drums. He was a professional tuna.

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I will never Vaccinate my children. It's not safe I'd rather go to a professional doctor to vaccinate them for me.

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I'm not a professional caddy or anything.... but I think Tiger Woods probably should've used a driver.

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I always assumed you took off your pants during a prostate exam But apparently that's "not appropriate for a medical professional".

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What award did Chewbacca win his first season as a professional athlete? Wookie of the year.

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Keep away from professional dermatologists.. They make rash decisions

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What is the one thing that professional poker players & plumbers can agree on? A royal flush is better than a full house.

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What do you get when you cross an octopus with a cow? A reprimand from the Scientific Integrity and Professional Ethics Committee and immediate withdrawal of your grant funding...

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My girlfriend used to date a professional clown before she met me. I have some big shoes to fill.

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What’s the difference between an IT professional and a polygamist? The IT guy has two computers in case one goes down, the polygamist has two wives in case one doesn’t.

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Stacy wanted to keep our relationship professional That's when I knew she was a prostitute.

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A database professional walks into a bar And joins two tables.

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I really don't want to be a professional web developper Selling my <body> feels wrong.

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Why won't sharks attack lawyers? Professional courtesy

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What do you call a professional basketball player from the middle east? Ball Qaeda

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My snake is a IT professional..... He's very proficient in python, and won't stop hissing about it.

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Why don't sharks bite lawyers? Professional Courtesy.

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What professional hates going to the bar? A lawyer

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What does a prostitute's resume list as her top attribute? She's a consummate professional.

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New Professional Jokes

My career as a professional rock climber is going great, but I'm also taking a course in mattress-making. Just so I've got something to fall back on.

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A professional golfer shouldn’t try to obtain a new profession. Golfing should be their hole career.

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I was walking past the bathroom in the Dolphin Inc. HQ offices. I really had to pee, but the restroom was closed. I was extremely upset, but then I read the sign:

"Closed for professional porpoises."

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What's the WORST thing you could give to a professional athlete?? A Birthday Card!

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Where does an IT Professional buy his agricutural produce? At the Server-Farm.

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How do professional poker players greet each other? WSOP!

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Why couldn't the Thai soccer team kids have SCUBA'ed their way out of the flooded cave complex earlier? Unfortunately, they're not professional soccer players and aren't proficient in the art of diving.

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A professional electrician hurt himself on the job... He must've been shocked!

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I wanted to start a professional hide and seek leage But finding good players was way too hard

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Why can't the professional origamist handle stress? Because he folds under pressure.

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The quickest way to become a millionaire is to become a professional race car driver... You just need to start off as a billionaire

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What's the difference between circus preformers and a brothel? What's the difference between professional circus performers and an upperclass brothel?

One is full of cunning stunts.

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Why was the IT professional's wife so frustrated? Because he kept turning her off then on again.

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I wish I was a professional drummer. I could bang things and get paid.

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What's the difference between Hitler and a professional marathon runner? The professional marathon runner finished the race. Hitler didn't

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BREAKING: Professional Bowlers go on Strike. Let's spare them our thoughts.

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Why don't sharks eat lawyers? Professional courtesy.

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A Blind Professional Fisherman, Is Given the Honerary Title of "Master Baiter" *He replies* : " It's easy. You just grab your worm, wrap it tight. Cast your pole, and just pray that you inevitably smell something fishy."

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People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They're not laughing now because it was ages ago.

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What did the roofing professional say to the homeowner after the job was done? It's on the house

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In honor of Mole Day: Why did the mole keep getting confused for a professional boxer? He was always making holey fields.

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What does a professional tree climber do before he starts work? Limbers up.

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Why don't professional athletes ride bikes to warm-up before games? Because then they'd be two tired

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