Hilarious Professor Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Professor Jokes

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?” The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”

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My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data. I guess the N's justify the means.

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My calculus professor was late 16 minutes for his first class, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes for the third. At this rate, he’ll never be in class on time.

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Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine) Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.
Student: *raises hand*
Professor: Yes?
Student: 1 Earth

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My professor accused me of plagiarism His words, not mine.

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What do you call Professor X doing a wheelie? Professor +

I'm sorry. lol.

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Statistics are like bikinis. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Edit- This is a famous quote by Aaron Levenstein. A Professor told this to a friend.

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Me: I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework Computer Science Professor: Your dog ate your coding assignment?

**Awkward silence**

Me: It took him a couple bytes

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How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician ? Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

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Professor X to JK Rowling: Professor X: "What's your power?"

JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters."

Gay Professor X: "Interesting."

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Professor X: What's your superpower? Me: hindsight

Profesor X: Well that's not going to help us at all!

Me: hmmm yes I see that now

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I got caught cheating on my physics exam. Furious, my professor said to me "I hope you understand the gravity of the situation". But if I had known that, I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.

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A mathematician, a college professor, and a textbook author walk into a bar. *[The punchline is left as an exercise for the reader.]*

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Another blonde joke A professor told his class:

"Fame will come to you only after you succeed!"

A blonde asked, "Who is 'Seed'?"

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Did you hear about the professor who could tell the acidity or baseness of a solution by dipping his genitals into it? He had a PH D

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A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?"

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My professor just said that the particle of light is like a bullet... The black objects absorb more.

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A joke from my old physics professor.. How Long is a battleship. True or false?

False. How Long is a man from China.

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My calculus professor was 16 minutes late for his first class, 8 minutes late for his second, and 4 minutes late for the third. At this rate, he will never be in class on time.

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I asked my professor how long my paper should be. He said it should be like a woman's skirt... Long enough to cover the subject but short enough to be interesting.

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My statistics professor told me I was average... ... I told her "that's Mean".

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The professor gave me a C on my Latin exam... Aced it!

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A physics student asked her professor to describe what happened right before the Big Bang... ....but the professor couldn't, because there was no time.

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Hear about the girl who banged her philosophy professor for a better grade? He was deep in thot.

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I asked my German professor... ..."can you tell me how many credit hours of German this school offers?"

She replied, "nine."

"Well, thanks anyways," I said.

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My professor asked me to define narcissism I said "It's the belief you are as perfect and infallible as I am."

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One time my math professor asked everyone in class to write a complex number on their forehead You could probably imagine the expressions on our faces

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i watched my classmate murder our professor with a calculator it was graphic

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Professor opened with this in first year engineering lecture: What do engineers use for birth control? Their personalities

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My Psychology Professor asked me what Super Power I would like to have... Apparently "Cold War Era Russia" is not an acceptable answer.

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The "American Dream" was discussed in class the other day... ... the professor turned to the German foreign exchange student and asked if they had anything like that in Germany to which he responded,

"We did, but nobody liked it."

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If your soulmate dies before you meet them, do you get a backup soulmate? "I meant questions about the midterm," my professor replied.

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I told my professor a chemistry joke... It was funny, but He didn't react.

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Heard this from my History Professor. Ronald Reagan had such high regard for the office of President that his jacket was never off.

Bill Clinton had such high regard for the office of President that his pants were never on.

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A boy meets an astrologer The Astrologers predicts that the boy will die soon.

Disheartened he walks into his professor and turns off all the lights; but why?

Because he knew, with no light; the professor's pupils will dilate.

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Double positives One day, during a lesson at the community college, the professor is explaining how a double negative will always be positive but a double positive can never be negative.

To which his student replies "yeah right"

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After years of studying, a physics student comes rushing into Einstein's office shouting... "Professor, Professor, I think I finally understand your theory of Special Relativity!"

Einstein rolls his eyes

"It's about time!"

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professor gave us a 2000 word essay... So I gave him two pictures.

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My professor wanted me to write an essay on existentialism... So I passed in a blank sheet of paper

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New Professor Jokes

I started taking an online course on how to write jokes. I quit right after we learned how to set up jokes. The professor was so old.

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Our philosophy professor told us that he’s not familiar with the concept of humor. Well, apparently he’s naught.

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My wife, who is an economics professor told me she wants a divorce I'm not surprised, over the years I've felt she lost *interest* on me.

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An MIT professor once said:"In all of the worlds languages, never can two positives make a negative." Yeah right.

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A computer science major goes to his English professor and says "I've found a fault in the English language and I need an entomologist." "Don't you mean an etymologist?" the teacher asks.

"No," the student replies. "It's a bug, not a feature."

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When Matthew McConaughey gives a research paper assignment to his class (he is seriously a professor at U of Texas) what does he tell them to do? All write!-All write!-All write!

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Mischievous medical student. A notoriously mischievous student in medical college was up to his usual tricks. This time he went to his professor.

Student: 'How long can a man survive without a brain, sir? '
Professor: 'I don't know really'.... 'How old are you? '

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One of my friends who's in college played a prank, and as punishment, he has to write smileys on all the F sharps. His professor told him it was time to face the music.

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Why didn’t the math professor teach during the summer? She needed a tan

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My professor said to put my name on the top of my paper I was super confused. It was just too thin!

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What does a calculus professor say about his pupils? Their potential is limitless :)

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I asked my professor what a Freudian slip was He told me it's when you say one thing but mean your mother.

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Whats a math professor's favorite fruit? sin(gerine)/cos(gerine)

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Why did the classical physics professor lose his job? He sucked at his work.

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A Japanese Professor took up singing He was Sensei-tional

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A student busts into a lecture hall right as the professor is finishing his lecture The student says professor sorry I'm late, do you mind summarising the lecture for me in 2 minutes.

The professor says, No need son, it will all be on the exam

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Student: Is it true you made a car that only runs on gas?!? Professor: Yes, I Madagascar.

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As I drunkenly stumbled into the examination hall, I asked the professor.... *"Ssir, w-would you allow a drrrunk s-student to take the test?"*

The professor, a man who had grown apathetic with age, replied, *"Sure, why not."*

I shouted, *"Grrreat! Ok boys, drag him in!"*

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A professor made a time machine... A professor made a time machine and traveled to the past. Incidentally, the first person he ran into was a younger version of himself... it was a pair of docs.

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A professor once told his class... A professor once told his class:
For one to have a good life, they must succeed.
Mary, the only blond in the class replies:
Who's seed?

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My college professor talked about double negatives today He said that you could use a double positive to describe something, but never a double negative.

Yeah, right.

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Which wizard would be the worst professor? Gandalf, because YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

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I am going to use black and blue markers because y'all are going to feel beaten up after this section.

~My Math Professor

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A professor once said, "A joke is like a frog.... You can dissect it as much as you want to understand it, but it dies in the process."

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My professor went on to create word. We all called him Doc X

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I asked my Biology professor if he had any patients. He didn't seem too thrilled with me after that...

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The English professor at once realized that the underground tunnel's never gonna get finished. It's stupid to think it's gonna see the light of the day.

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What's the worst thing about being professor? You have to wait for a year to tell the same joke again.

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A history professor was given a boring lecture about Russian dictators Finally, an exasperated student exclaimed,"stop, you're putin me to sleep"

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An english professor said to his students there is no way to use two positives to express a negative One student smirked to his friend "Yeah right."

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So I got these shoes from my drug dealer... I don't know what he laced it with but I have been tripping all day.

s/o to my professor for telling this joke to me today and giving me a good laugh.

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My friend was constantly complaining that he got a lower mark in our agriculture class although his fruits were softer, rounder and sweeter than mine. The professor let him know that he was comparing apples to oranges.

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A recent study conducted in Germany by Professor Bernd Ottovordemgentschenfelde proves that 99.9% of people skip his name

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Two Guys Walk into a Bar The first one asks the bartender, "Can I have H2O."

The second one then asks the bartender, "Can I have H2O too."

The second guy died.

My biology professor opened class with this one today.

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Yes, I'm a professor. I teach intercourse 101 and my wife is the only student. She's getting a D

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My calculus professor recently divorced his wife .. .. one day he simply told her "I'm making a you substitution".

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Why couldn't the trig professor teach the deaf kid? Cos sec sin!

Alternatively: cosecant sine

Thanks /u/mephysteaux

I came up with this while studying, I should probably keep doing that.

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I just found out that my geology professor passed away... my sediments go out to his family

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