Hilarious Psychiatrist Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Psychiatrist Jokes

I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by... Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...

Score: 2550

Score: 2030

I've been having hallucinations lately. I'm getting better though; I'm starting to see a psychiatrist.

Score: 962

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices in my head. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

Score: 487

A guy barges into a psychiatrist's office, and screams... "Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!"

The doctor calmly answers "Pay me in advance"

Score: 268

I told my psychiatrist I'm thinking about suicide He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

Score: 241

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices He says I don't have a psychiatrist.

Score: 238

Happy Pi Day Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π.

Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?

Me: Not as far as anyone can tell.

Score: 219

Invisible... A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."

Score: 218

I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist’s waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by… Most people hate it, but I’m a fan.

Score: 197

My psychiatrist says I have revenge issues... I'll show him.

Score: 150

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

Score: 150

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices in my head... She told me I don’t have a psychiatrist...

Score: 134

My psychiatrist said I was a kleptomaniac... I said, "Is there anything I can take for it?"

Score: 133

After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes "No hablo ingles"

Score: 115

I went to the psychiatrist today I told him that I have started hearing voices.

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

Score: 109

I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies. He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

Score: 99

Cat with mental disorder The psychiatrist just diagnosed my cat for having dissociative identity disorder.

She now have 45 lives.

Score: 93

A man rushes into a psychiatrist's office and shouts "Doctor, you have to help me! I think I'm invisible." The shrink looks at his appointment schedule and says "I'm sorry, I can't see you right now."

Score: 91

I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies He said from now on I have to pay in advance.

Score: 85

My favorite psychiatrist joke A man gets mugged on the street and is lying on the ground, suffering from his wounds. A psychiatrist happens to walk by and sees the man and says, "Whoever did this to you needs some serious help!"

Score: 84

My ex wife's favorite joke. Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a sheet of saran-wrap.

Doc says to him, "I can clearly see your nuts."

Score: 64

A naked guy walks into a psychiatrist's office... "You gotta help me, doc," he tells the psychiatrist, "I think I'm going crazy!"

The psychiatrist looks him over and replies. "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

Score: 62

I wanted to make friends but I had no facebook So I went out on the street and started shouting what I cooked, ate or drank.

Right now I've got 3 followers - two cops and a psychiatrist

Score: 60

I said to my psychiatrist I keep thinking I'm a dog He said, "get on the couch please."
I said, "I'm not allowed on the couch."

Score: 58

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office He's wearing nothing but plastic wrap. The psychiatrist says, "no need for a diagnosis, I can clearly see your nuts!"

Score: 58

A man walks into a dentist's office and says "Doctor, you have to help me! I think I'm a moth!" The dentist says, "I think you want the psychiatrist down the hall."

And the man replies, "Yeah, but your light was on."

Score: 54

A man walks into a psychiatrists office wearing saran wrap pants. Man: Doctor, I think I'm crazy.

Psychiatrist: Well I can clearly see your nuts.

Score: 52

What did the psychiatrist say to the man wearing nothing but Saran wrap? Well, I can clearly see your nuts.

Score: 49

my psychiatrist just diagnosed me with schizophrenia.. was really worried until i remembered i dont have a psychiatrist lol

Score: 47

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy". I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you're ugly too!"

Score: 46

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband... Wife: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!

Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.

Score: 38

What did the psychiatrist say when a man wearing nothing but saran wrap walked into his office? I can clearly see you’re nuts.

Score: 28

A man decides to go to his psychiatrist wearing nothing but glad wrap. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, 'it's clear, I can see your nuts'.

Score: 24

I walked into my psychiatrist's office today wearing only Saran wrap underwear… The doctor took one look at me and said, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

Score: 17

A psychiatrist and their patient were talking. Psychiatrist: Do you hear any voices in your head?

*tell him no.*

Patient: No.

Score: 16

Why did the robot see a psychiatrist? Because he had metal health problems...

Score: 14

A guy walks into his psychiatrist's office The guy's wearing only plastic wrap for underwear. The psychiatrist looks at him and says, "I can see your nuts."

Score: 13

A guy visits his psychiatrist "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

Score: 13

A Norwegian goes to the psychiatrist "What brings you in today?"

"I've just been so depressed. I wish I was never Björn"

Score: 11

New Psychiatrist Jokes

A man was slightly cracked.. So he went to the best psychiatrist in town.
Now he's completely broke.

Score: 3

A man goes fo the psychiatrist He says to the him "doc I keep having these dreams. One night I'm a teepee and the next night I'm a wigwam" "Well the answer is clear," the psychiatrist answers "you're two tents."

Score: 0

I got a hard on at a funeral so thought It might be a good idea to see a psychiatrist. She said it was nothing unusual, just a standard case of mourning wood.

Score: 2

I went to my psychiatrist for burning a man who happened to be my psych. Well at least now I know his name. It was nice meeting Sigmund Fried

Score: 1

A guy goes to a cardiologist and says, "I think I am a moth" The doctor replies, "I think you should visit the psychiatrist, why have you come to me?"

The guys says, "Because your lights were on."

Score: 5

I went to the psychiatrist and he said I was crazy I said I wanted a second opinion. He replied, 'Ok you are ugly too'

Score: 1

My psychiatrist asked me how do i see myself Apparently in a Mirror was the wrong answer

Score: 4

A man walks into a psychiatrists office. He's completely naked and wrapped in cling film. The psychiatrist says "I can clearly see your nuts!"

Score: 7

I just got home from the psychiatrist and got some good and some bad news The bad news: I got a bipolar disorder. And the good news: I got a
bipolar disorder.

Score: 4

How many psychiatrist does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

Score: 3

Did you hear about the proctologist & psychiatrist who opened a practice together? They called it "Odds & Ends"

Score: 2

What did the physiotherapist say to the man who said it hurts when I smile Go see a psychiatrist

Score: 1

What did the psychiatrist say to the Coca-Cola? Don't bottle up your feelings.

Score: 2

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office... A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing absolutely nothing but a pair of shorts made out of saran wrap. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're (your) nuts!'

Score: 6

Doctor, my son thinks he’s a chicken. A man visits a psychiatrist, saying, “Doctor, my son thinks he’s a chicken.” The psychiatrist suggests that the boy be sent to an institution. “We’d like to do that,” says the man, “but we need the eggs.”

Score: 4

Did ya hear about the naked man in seran wrap? He went to the psychiatrist.
The doc said "I can clearly see you're nuts."

Score: 4

My psychiatrist told me I am crazy. I said I wanted a second opinion.
"Okay", he said, "You're also ugly."

Score: 3

This guy goes to a psychiatrist... ...and says, "Doc, you gotta help me. My wife thinks she's a refrigerator!"

Doctor says, "That's terrible!"

Guy says, "You don't know the half of it. She sleeps with her mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake!"

Score: 1

My psychiatrist told me my superiority complex turned into a delusion of inferiority. Great. Now I'm the least of my problems.

Score: 7

Brother Hen! A guy goes to the Doctors and he says "Doctor, I'm really worried about my brother, he thinks he's a Hen "
The Doctor says "well have you taken him to see a psychiatrist?", and the guy says "Don't be stupid, we need the eggs "

Score: 3

I had a phobia of icebergs, so my psychiatrist said to try taking my phobia head on. As Captain of the Titanic, there might've been some misinterpretation going on there...

Score: 3

I started seeing this incredibly beautiful girl. But then my psychiatrist readjusted my meds.

Score: 5

A man walks in to a psychiatrists office. He lays on the couch and says "Teepee, wig-wom, teepee, wig-wom..."

The psychiatrist writes a few notes on his pad and replies "You're too tents..."

Score: 1

A Man Goes to a Psychiatrist Squatting with His Hands on the Floor "I think I'm a dog."

"Have a seat on the couch."

"I'm not allowed on the furniture."

Score: 4

What do you call a highly intelligent person in Washington DC who wants to help Donald Trump? A psychiatrist.

Score: 10

What did the depressed loaf say to his psychiatrist? "I don't know if I can keep on living, doc...I'm bread inside"

Score: 3

(Psychiatrist's office) There's a man who thinks he's invisible. Secretary: "Sir, there's a man outside who thinks that he's invisible."

Psychiatrist: "Tell him I can't see him right now."

Score: 2

A guy goes to the psychiatrist and says "I'm a wigwam I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam I'm a teepee."
The doctor says "calm down, you're two tents.

Score: 1

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and exclaims "I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!" Psychiatrist says "Calm down! You're two tents!"

Score: 7

My psychiatrist diagnosed me as having extreme Parthenophobia. That explains why I'm not comfortable on 4chan.

Score: 2

I was going to take my dog to a pet psychiatrist But he knows he's not allowed on the couch.

Score: 3

My psychiatrist says I have an unhelathy preoccupation with revenge. He's sooooo gonna regret saying that at my next appointment.

Score: 6

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap underwear And the doctor says, "Well I can clearly see your nuts."

(So much subtler as a spoken joke. If you don't get it, consider you're grammar lessons!) ;)

Score: 6

Man walks into a psychiatrist office with.... ..Absolutely nothing but seran wrap on on.

The psychiatist takes one look at him and says.

"I can clearly see you're nuts!"

Score: 1

A man describes his dreams to the psychiatrist. Man - "Last night I dreamed that I was a teepee. The night before I dreamed that I was a yurt. What does it mean?"
Psychiatrist - "You're two tents."

Score: 3

A psychiatrists secretary walked into his study... And said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responded...

"Tell him I can't see him."

Score: 3

I have Yogg-Saron as a psychiatrist.... I don't think he's good, whenever I walk in to his room, I feel like I'm getting more insane by the minute.

Score: 1

A man goes to his psychiatrist wrapped in Saran wrap The doctor says "I clearly see your nuts"

Score: 1

A man goes to an orthopedic and tells him: "Doc, I think I'm a moth" The doctor responds: "Well, in that case a psychiatrist may be able to help you better."

Man: "I know, but I saw you're lights were on!"

Score: 2

A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office wearing only shorts made of plastic wrap. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

Score: 2

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and says, hey doc, my brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Then the doc says, why don't you turn him in? Then the guy says, I would but I need the eggs.

Score: 2

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office covered head to toe in cellophane. The psychiatrist says, "Sir, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Score: 3

No one in their right mind waits for me I'm a psychiatrist.

Score: 1

Woman goes to a psychiatrist convinced her house is made of celery. Psychiatrist tells her he's seen this sort of thing before ... it's called stalk home syndrome.

Score: 1

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office... Wearing nothing but seran wrap. The doctor looked at the man and replied, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

Score: 4

How does a psychiatrist like his sausages? Freud

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Why did the magnet go to the psychiatrist? He was bipolar.

Score: 3