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My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other. Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
Instead of "who's your daddy" I accidentally said "how's your daddy" and we put our clothes back on and started discussing her dad's cholesterol.
Just another dad joke
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I'm pregnant
HUSBAND: Hi Pregnant, I'm dad
WIFE: Second: No you're not
Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed I was really angry because he is actually really handsome
Watching my wedding video in reverse brought tears to my eyes I took off her wedding ring, returned her to her dad, and moonwalked my way out of the church.
My girlfriend’s parents are very religious…
The first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren’t allowed to sleep together.
It was a bit of a shame – he was very attractive.
I was picking up my girlfriend and her dad looked at me and said, "I want her home by midnight" Then I looked at him and told him,"but you already own her home". He looked back at her and said,"if you're not gonna sleep with him, I will".
Dad: Son, do we have any 'dop ted'?
Son: What's a "dop ted"?
Dad: YOU ARE! You're adopted!
Son: Nice one, Dad.
Dad: I'm not your Dad.
My girlfriend's parents are very religious
The first time I went to stay with her at her parents' house her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.
Which is a shame because he is very attractive.
I only had one goal in life: to become a better dad than my dad was. My dad beat me
A girl asks a boy "What does your dad do for a living?''
He replies "He's a magician."
She asks "Is he good?"
He says "Yeah, he disappeared 8 years ago."
When your Dad is a math teacher you grow up with jokes like this...
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
A: To get to the same side!
It must be tough having the world's best clown as your dad. You would have such big shoes to fill
What is the gender-neutral term for "sugar daddy?" Glucose guardian.
What's the difference between my dad and other dads? Beats me.
My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river…
I did it but it broke my heart.
I quite liked her dad…
What do you call a sugar daddy with HIV? Financial AIDS
Your dad is in prison and he's got a stutter. He's never going to finish his sentence.
Son, will you pass me the Dop Ted?
"What's a dop ted?"
"You are! You're adopted."
"Very funny Dad."
"I'm not your dad."
Hey girl is your dad in jail... ...Because if I was your dad, I would be
Once i did the "is your dad a terrorist?, because you are a bomb.." line to a muslim girl. Totally blew up in my face
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today? Me: sorry for cremating you, I honestly thought you were dead.
My girlfriends family is quite religious. I remember the first time i went to stay with her at parents house and her dad wouldn't let us sleep together, which is a shame really because he's very attractive.
"Your dad cant hold a candle to what my daddy can do."
"Oh Ya, what does he do?"
"Makes gun powder."
What do you call the field of study for dad jokes? *Sigh*ence
A little girl asked her Dad one day, “Dad, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time?'” Her Dad replied, “No honey, some of them begin with ‘If I’m elected.'”
If your mom is 17 and your dad is 18, what does that make you? An accident.
Song you sing to your dad on Father's Day? Glad You Came.
My girlfriend's family are quite strict. I remember the first time I went to stay with her at her parent's house, and her dad wouldn't let us sleep together. Which is a shame, because he's very attractive.
A young girl walks in on her dad peeing... The dad fumbles around trying to cover up. Then the girl says "don't worry dad. I've seen one before. Mommy brushes her teeth with the neighbor's."
Teacher asks little Jonny "how long has your Dad been working at his company" Little Jonny replies "ever since they threatened to fire him"
what do you call a Kentucky farm girl who can run faster than her dad? A Virgin
I went on vacation with my girlfriends family - her dad is really religious and said we could not sleep together Which is a shame cuz he's a really attractive man
My friend tried to enlist the help of his spouse in our dad-joke contest...
She failed miserably, making no decent jokes.
I said, "looks like you brought a wife to a pun fight."
What's the difference between your dad and this joke? This joke will be back someday
I was sleeping round at my girlfriend's house and her dad said we couldn't sleep in the same bed It was a real shame, I thought he was quite handsome.
The gender neutral term for sugar daddy is Glucose Guardian.
Whats the best part about dating a black girl? You rarely have to meet their dad.
If your dad is a chemist, never ask him to make you a Pb&j sandwich. Pretty sure I have lead poisoning now.
My girlfriend told me to roleplay as her daddy. So I left her.
Did you hear about the new facility that opened in Indiana specialing in paternity tests? It's called "Hoosier Daddy?"
I walked to this girl and said " who is your daddy? " She started crying and now I'm banned from visiting orphanage.
A girl approaches her father, takes a deep breath and says "Dad, I'm dating a black guy."
Her dad responds, "So what is he, then? Is he a Panasonic, a Sony, maybe even a Toshiba or a Kenwood, perhaps?"
The girl replies, "No, Dad - you're just stereotyping!"
Being John Cena's kid must suck, They never get to see their dad.
I can't wait to become a Catholic priest For the first time a girl can call me her daddy
I’m about to go on my first date with this girl.
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: But sir, you already own her home
Her dad: .... sweetheart, if you don’t sleep with him, then I will
What do you call it when you go to a movie with a guy that you don’t know is actually your dad? Pop Secret
a kid goes to her dad.
the girl says: “dad I killed a butterfly today”
the dad replied: “that’s not good. no butter for a month!”
the girl says: “I also killed a cockroach today”
the dad laughs: “nice try kiddo”
Person A: hey, does your dad like sports?
Person b: no, my dad hates sports
Dad: hey sport
What do you call a female virgin in a trailer park? Faster than her dad
A father watched his daughter kill a butterfly
He went up to his daughter and said: “for killing the butterfly you get no butter for a week”
The next day his daughter saw a cockroach in the kitchen and stepped on it.
“Nice try” said her dad.
When your girlfriend says “I’d like to meet your dad” And you say “Me too.”
If your fat uncle named jack falls over your dad. "Will you help your uncle jack off your dad ?"
Two kids were talking together.
First: "My daddy is so tall that he can touch the clouds in the sky with his hands.
" Second: "That is excellent. Does your daddy touch something soft and downy?
" First: "Yes, of course.
" Second: "Those are my daddy's testicles."
Do you think whores love their mamas? I mean, we all know how they feel about their daddies.
Why can't Kylie Jenner see her dad anymore? Because he's transparent.
Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring." Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."
Another dad joke
Mom: The can opener isn't working anymore.
Dad: So it's a can't opener?
Your family is so poor... That your daddy is the D.J. for the ice cream truck.
Yo momma so ugly... The only reason your daddy eats chicken is cause it has less hair and bigger breast than yo momma.
A man and his son were at a bar. The man is standing near a dartboard.
When one dart almost hits him, the man says, "look son I'm Dart Evader!"
The son sighs, "stop it dad."
The man says, "look, I'm not your dad. *I am your father.*"
Our dad died because we couldn't remember his blood type at the hospital. As he was dying, he kept insisting for us to "Be Positive!" - but it's so hard without him...
"THE DREAM OF JEWELRY "
Wife: "In my dream, I saw you in a jewelry store and you bought me a diamond ring."
Husband: "I had the same dream and I saw your dad paying the bill."
A man and his son were at a bar. The man is standing near the dartboard.
When one dart almost hits him, the man says, "look son I'm Dart Evader!"
The son sighs, "stop it dad."
The man says, "look, I'm not your dad. *I am your father.*"
My dad can beat up your dad! He just has to come back from getting ciggerrettes.
Who's your daddy ?
"Daddy pass me the salt please" said the girl innocently.
The scene became tensed when the boyfriend and her dad both reached for the salt.
A little girl asked her dad what he thought of Frozen... "It was not very well thawed out."
What's worse then finding out your dad has a second family? Finding out that you are the second family
I saw graffiti in a bathroom that said: "Don't hate me because I'm beautiful, hate me because I DID YOUR DAD!"
Underneath someone replied:
"Go home mom. You're drunk."
A stoner walks into the house and asks his mother a question
Him: Mom why do you always accuse me of being stoned?
Mom: I'm your Dad you idiot
Your dad died in a car crash. April fools! He died in a fire!
Son and Dad $$$
Son is away for the summer in a camp. He runs out of pocket money so he writes to his dad:
No money
No fun
Your son
Dads response:
How sad
Very bad
Your dad
What's the difference between "loose" and "loser"? One describes your mom and the other describes your dad.
Forget I am your dad!
Father: If you fail again forget that I am your dad.
Son: Ok dad.
...
Father: So how were the exams?
Son: Shut up John, and mind your own business!
Love, Moth.
*A Daughter texts her dad to come help her.*
**Girl**: Dad, there's a Moth on the outside of the bathroom door, can you get rid of it?
**Girl**: Please hurry because I am going to cry!
**Girl**: Dad...Dad?
*Half an hour later*
**Dad**: Dad is dead, you're next. Love, Moth.
Roses are red, Violets are blue WHO IS YOUR DADDY AND WHAT DOES HE DO?!?!
What's the best part about dating a black girl? You don't have to meet her dad.
Dad, Am I adopted ? I don't know, ask your other dad.
My girlfriend and I were about to go for a late night walk.
Her dad said, "Don't forget to wrap up."
I said, "Don't be silly, she's on the pill."
What's worse than finding your parent's condoms? Finding your parent's condoms after they told you your dad had a vasectomy.
I knew I was stalking my girlfriend too long.. When we ran into eachother by accident and I didn't know if I should ask "how are you?" or "is your dad still drinking because your mom moved to Paris with Jean-Pierre?"
Two hillbilly sisters are fighting about who is better
They ask their dad.
"Daddy who's your favorite daughter?"
The father looks at both of them, "Your mother."
What's the difference between my bike and your mom? Your dad doesn't watch when I ride my bike.
A melon's boyfriend asks her dad's permission to marry her. Her dad rejects him, but the boy proposes anyway. "Babe" he says, "Your father doesn't approve, but we can run away together." "The melon, in tears, replies "I'm so sorry honey, but I can't-elope!"
A melon's boyfriend asks her dad's permission to marry her.
The dad rejects him, but the boy proposes anyway.
"Babe" he says, "Your father doesn't approve, but we can run away together."
"The melon, in tears, replies "I'm so sorry, but I can't-elope!"
I stayed at my girlfriends house the other day but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together Which was a shame because he's really fit
What's the best thing about dating a black girl? You don't have to meet her dad.
Mom, I'm sleeping wit the neighbour
-That's unacceptable young lady! He could be your Dad!
-But Mom, you don't understand. Age doesn't matter for true love!
-I didn't say anything about age ...
A jewish girl asks her dad for 40 dollars her dad looks at her and says"30 DOLLARS??!!?!, what do you need 20 dollars for? here's a ten, go split it with your brother"
There are two cows in a room when your parents walk in Now there are three cows and your dad
Hey beautiful, is your Dad in prison? Because if I was your Father I would be..
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