Hilarious Security Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Security Jokes

I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it. If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

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I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions 1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

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I don’t like people who take drugs... For example: airport security.

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As a security guard, my Boss said my job is to watch the office I’m on season 6 so far, and not sure what this has to do with security.

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I got arrested at the airport last week... Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

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I hate people who take drugs For example, border security.

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Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office

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90s kids won't get this . . . Social Security benefits.

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What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store? Guardians of the Galaxy

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I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there..... It'll have its prose and cons.

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I went on a job interview for a security guard. After spending 12 hours in the waiting room... ...they hired me.

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A guy with flame tattoo sleeves walks into a building and gets stopped by security. The security guard tells the guy there are no firearms allowed.

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I hate people who take drugs For example: airport security

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A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if it has any luggage.

The photon says, “No, I’m traveling light.”

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At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.

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I had a job selling security alarms door to door and I was really good at it. If no one was home I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

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I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions ! 1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

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I used to sell home security systems. It was super easy.

I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.

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I'm making a fortune promoting home security systems The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Good morning". At 3am whilst sitting on the end of their bed.

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Got arrested at the airport last week. Apparently, security doesn't appreciate it when you call "shotgun" before boarding a plane.

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My next job, I want to be the security guard at the philosophy building of a university... I will spend my days asking philosophy students “Who are you, and why are you here?”

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Airport security asked me if I've seen anything unusual ...I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich...Let's start with that.

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Who did King Arthur leave in charge of security? Sir Veillance

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I'm making a fortune selling home security systems. It's so easy, all I do is say, "Hello." At 3 in the morning, whilst sitting on the end of their bed…

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If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books today at Barnes & Noble from 6 pm... until I'm removed by security.

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So I recently went to Australia... I want to Australia for holiday.
I was at the airport and one of security people asks me: "Do you have a criminal record?"
I responded: "Oh. I didn't realise that was still a requirement."

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I was going through airport security and I got asked "Do you have any firearms?" Apparently, "What do you need?" wasn't the right answer.

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My boss told me "As a security guard, its your job to watch the office".... I'm on season 6 now but don't see what it has to do with security

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I got arrested at the airport last week. Appearently security doesn't like it when you call shotgun before boarding the plane.

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What do you call security guards, working at the samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy.

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2000's kids won't get this Social security checks

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What do you call the security guards that work at the Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy.

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I was going from London to Australia for a holiday... I was passing the security check at the airport and the man working there asked

"Sir, do you have a criminal record?"

"No, sorry. I didn't know it was still a requirement."

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90s kids won’t get this... Social Security.

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All women want is security They always ask for it when I approach them.

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Verizon made a new minimum security prison and despite what many would believe its very successful. its got no bars but you still cant get out of it for 2 years

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Where did all the Cyber security consultants go for the last few days? They ransomware.

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A boy caught his dad red handed having an affair with the maid. The dad told the son, ”take this $10 and don’t tell your mum please!"
The son answered, ”but dad this is not fair!!” Mum gave me $50 when I caught her with the security Man.

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A clown with a briefcase walks into a bar The barman calls security and says "sorry, no funny business"

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New Security Jokes

sir..., sir..., mam..., mam...., sir...., sir....., mam... Useless Security Industries

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So I was practicing driving at a golf course the other day… and some security guard had the nerve to tell me that cars aren’t allowed on the green!

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If you're being a security guard at Samsung, does that make the guardian of the galaxies?

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Why did airport security seize the 3-year-old? Because he said he needed to go boom boom.

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When I was a kid, my parents used to give me 10c and I would have to go down to the shop. I would get a pack of Potato’s, a bunch of bananas, 5 loafs of bread and a bottle of beer. But of course, you can’t do that anymore as most stores have security cameras.

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I'm a security guard with Samsung. So yea, I am a guardian of the galaxy.

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I once got to second base in Ireland I'd have gone farther, but it turns out the Blarney Stone has some pretty good security

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Today I finally got into Harvard! Sadly campus security caught me and handed me over to the police for trespassing

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I yelled “Hi Jack!” To my friend across the airplane Security must not like shouting because they wouldn’t let me fly after that

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What‘s social security for Millenials? gofundme

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*Janitor puts on rubber gloves* Security Guard 1: "Where you going, Michael Jackson?"

Janitor: "Today's prostates! Prostates check-up!"

Security Guard 2: "He already did mine. Did mine at 7:30 this morning."

Security Guard 1: "No wonder you were in a good mood!"

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A security guard came up to me yesterday... and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten."

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What do you call a group of security guards outside a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxies

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What would Donald Trump say if Americas' cyber security was in danger? "We need to build a firewall."

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What do you call a security guard at a Samsung store?? Guardians of the Galaxy

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Equifax's slogan is "Powering the World with Knowledge"... Unfortunately, that includes powering the world with knowledge of my social security number.

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Yo Momma so Old Her social security number is 3.

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I don't need an expensive security system in my car... ...just some wires sticking out of a backpack, and a copy of the Koran next to it on the drivers seat. That will ensure it never gets touched.

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Wanna see a magic trick? Post you social security number in the comments below and I will make the funds in your bank account disappear!

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What does security at the fencing arena say as they exchange at the end of a shift? You're on en garde guard duty.

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Why didn't the security guard want to work at the rooftop bank? Because he was scared of heists.

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What's the one thing that can't get passed a fat security guard? Carbohydrates

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How is the government pranking millennials? By making them pay into Social Security.

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Did you know there is a movie about security guards in Samsung stores? It's called "Guardians of the Galaxy."

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What do you call a security guard who works for a Samsung store? A Guardian of the Galaxy.

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What do you call security guards outside Samsung stores? Guardians Of The Galaxy.

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I called the suicide hotline today Now homeland security is investigating my ties to ISIS.

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'90s kids won't get this Social Security benifits

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What do you call the security outside a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy

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Why did Larry and Curly apply for security clearance? Because they were going to Gitmo

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What do you call the security guards at a Samsung store? Firemen

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Why hasn't Trump deported all the Muslims yet? Cause he can't get them through airport security.

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Where did the security experts go? They ransomware.

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Our ATMs cannot be hacked due to 2 high security protocols... 1. No cash.
2. Out of service.

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The president, a business man, and a national security leak walk into a bar... ... and order a drink. The bartender pours one beer and says, "Here you go, Mr Trump."

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I was banned from the airport last week Apparently security doesnt like it when you call Shotgun while boarding the plane.

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What did the customer say about Panda Express's Internet Security? It had nice Authentic Asian.

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I was detained at airport security, because the metal detector caught my braces... I guess you could say I was armed to the teeth.

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What do you call soft-spoken security guards at the Samsung store? Gaurdians of the Galaxy: Volume 2

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What do you call Samsung store security? Guardians of the Galaxy.

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I have a great joke about social security. But you probably won't get it.

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I was banned from the airport last week. Apparently the security doesn't like it when you say Shotgun while boarding the plane.

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Why are Australian security guards so good at playing chess? They always check, mate

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Did you know that the security officers on the united video are huge metal fans? You can even see them headbanging.

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What do you call security guards at a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy.

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What's good about airport security? Free prostate exam from an unlicensed physician......

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What's the difference between a Muslim and a Terrorist? I don't know, I just work as airport security.

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What do you call the security guards in front of a Samsung store? Guardians of the Galaxy

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Why doesn't Skepta have a password? No security

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Did you hear of Trump's new cabinet position for border security? The Secretary of De Fence.

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A photon arrives at the airport As he checks in, security asks him: "Do you not have any luggage?"

The photon replies, "No, I'm travelling light".

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Why didn't the TSA let the chair through security? It was armed.

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Darth Vader was inspecting his security teams weapons locker. He asked the Chief of Security "Do your men carry pepper spray?" When the Chief replied "No, sir" Darth Vader force choked him and said "I find you lack of mace disturbing."

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Farmer Joe is out looking for a lost sheep when he wanders into a shopping mall to ask for help. He asks a security guard if he has seen any sheep wandering around the mall.

The security guard says "They're everywhere, just look for the AirPods."

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I got a job installing security systems... I find it pretty alarming

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Why would a dentist make a good airport security guard? They both enjoy a good cavity search!

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Two men break into a Garden Centre [OC] When a security guard started shouting insults at them.

One of them took a fence

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What do you call a security guard standing post outside of an Apple Store? Apple Watch

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It has been reported that tattoos can make the new Apple watch malfunction.. An apple spokesman has said that this is caused by a new anti-theft security feature that shuts down the watch when it detects the wearer has dark skin.

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What's the biggest joke in the music industry? Job Security.

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