Hilarious Shopping Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Shopping Jokes

Score: 12475

I was shopping with my wife and I couldn't find her, until I saw a beautiful women. I ask her: I have lost my wife, can I talk to you?

She replies: Why?

I say: You will see in 20 seconds.

Score: 4185

They say never go food shopping when you're hungry but it's been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.

Score: 1935

They say to never go shopping for food when you're hungry but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.

Score: 1571

While I was shopping, I saw an ad in a window. It said, “Television for $1, volume stuck on full.” There’s no way I can turn that down.

Score: 1397

I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store. I told him "you're not going to find what you're looking for."

Score: 449

I ate an entire pack of rohypnol last night and it didn't even affect me... Anyway, gotta go. I need to do some last minute Christmas shopping.

Score: 186

Where do Siths do their shopping? At the Darth Mall

Score: 157

A woman is taken to court... The judge asks, "What were you charged for?"

The women replied, "Doing my Christmas shopping too early."

When the judge asked her how early, she said, "Before the store opened."

Score: 103

I was shopping online, and I was shocked to find how expensive my wife’s vibrators were. She is sitting on a small fortune.

Score: 99

What does a shopping cart and a wheelchair have in common? They both can be used to carry vegetables....

Score: 95

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs. "Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

Score: 92

When I go grocery shopping, I choose the checkstand with the sexiest checker Self-checkout every time

Score: 85

Once you've seen one shopping center... you've seen the mall

Score: 64

When you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen a mall

Score: 51

In a touching tribute to Joan Rivers, Target today announced that it would print funny little anecdotes on all of their shopping bags. Just so plastic can make us laugh one more time.

Score: 50

My wife gets jealous when I go grocery shopping... There’s always a cashier checking me out.

Score: 50

Where do Sith lords go to do their shopping? The Darth Mall

May the 4th be with you

Score: 43

Dad, where's the thing for peeling potatoes? She went shopping.

Score: 43

A man named Rick went shirt shopping with his wife and asked her: \- What size should I pick?

\- Pick L, Rick.

Haha that's the funniest s\*\*t I've ever seen.

Score: 43

I was at my local home improvement store yesterday And I was looking in the window section. An employee came over and asked if I needed any help, I responded "No thanks, I'm just window shopping."

Score: 42

People admit to shopping for their girlfriends/wives all the time... but when I do it I get busted for ~~prostitution~~ human trafficking.

Score: 35

When you’ve seen one shopping center You’ve seen a mall

Score: 33

Why did Achilles go shoe shopping? Because heels are his only weakness

Score: 31

I entered a contest where the grand prize was a shopping center, but I lost Can't win the mall

Score: 31

Went shopping for cherries and microphones... bought a bing, bought a boom.

Score: 30

So I was at the Red Cross... Shopping for a stretcher. The assistant asked if I'd like try it out before I bought it. I thought "Nah, I don't wanna get carried away."

Score: 28

Arnold Schwarzenegger opens his own shopping mall. A customer left her purse on the counter after a purchase. Seeing the customer is nearing the exit of the mall, Arnold handed the purse to the nearest cashier. "GET TO THE SHOPPER, NOW!"

Score: 25

My good deed for the day In the line at Walmart there was a little old lady in front of me, $73 of shopping but her card was declined!
I was feeling generous especially at this time of year and you’ve got to help out so I helped her put it all back.

Score: 24

If you've seen one shopping centre… You've seen a mall.

Score: 22

I went shopping today and picked up a cherry and a microphone stand... Bought a bing, bought a boom!

Score: 18

Where does Darth Vader go shopping? At the Darth Mall.

Score: 13

Why do pimps like shopping at Costco? They can buy everything hoesale.

Score: 9

Thanksgiving Shopping A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.

Score: 8

A feminist has taken legal action against a shopping mall Santa. She claims he called her a hoe three times.

Score: 7

My girlfriend left me today because i'm to insecure No wait she's back, she just just got back from grocery shopping

Score: 7

I was Christmas shopping the other day and I saw a brass band, with dribble underneath all of their instruments Turns out it was the Salivation Army

Score: 7

my girlfriend texted me saying she was going to go out shopping for an hour sent at: 2001-11-06 3:35 PM

Score: 6

The day after Thanksgiving is often the biggest capitalist/materialistic shopping day every year. I'm protesting it this year, and had to think of the movement's slogan... Black Fridays Matter.

Score: 5

The programmers shopping list The programmer's wife sent him to the grocery store.

"Hun, I need you to buy a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, buy a dozen.." she says.

Programmer comes home with 12 loafs of bread.

Score: 5

New Shopping Jokes

I was told that a mask and gloves were enough to go shopping with... I was lied to. Everyone else had clothes on.

Score: 3

What would a Sith Lord with a lisp say if lights went out in a shopping complex ? "I'm in a Darth Maul"

Score: 0

Guy walks into a supermarket looking for 8 bottles of Sprite for his wife. He gets home, hands his wife the shopping bag and as she is unloading the drinks she gets annoyed, so he asks her "what's the matter?"

Turns out he'd picked 7 up.

Score: 0

Why didn’t Beethoven go shopping? He forgot his Chopin Liszt

Score: 1

Was bored shopping with my girlfriend Went into the changing room and after 5 minutes yelled that there is no toilet paper in here.

Score: 1

As a black man, I really have yet to see any of this racism in America that people claim exists. For example, when I go shopping, the store personnel go out of their way to ask me if they can help me.

Score: 1

Yesterday I went shoe shopping and the shopkeeper randomly kept telling me how old the shoes were Those were a lot of footages !

Score: 1

Be careful shopping while drunk. It can lead to waking up next to one nightstand.

Score: 2

In Zimbabwe we always use 2 shopping carts One for the food, one for the money.

Score: 4

I went luggage shopping with my detective friend. I pointed at one and said, “This looks like an open and shut case.”

Score: 2

All of Drakes girls are always takin his money and leavin To go back to school shopping

Score: 2

My girlfriend told me there are 70 ways to confort a girl. The first one is to take her shopping, and the rest is 69.

Score: 0

I said to my Grandma, “You don’t have that many days left” “Before the big Christmas shopping rush, so buy my stuff right away!”

Score: 1

I work as quality assurance at a shopping cart factory. When a I see a cart without wheels yet, I usually fix it, but sometimes I let it slide.

Score: 1

When I went shopping for a christmas tree last year... ... the guy asked "are you gonna put it up yourself?" and I said "no, I was thinking the livingroom"

Score: 4

What do you call the derivative of online shopping? Amazon Prime

Score: 1

Hey girl, are you a shopping mall? Because I wouldn't mind spending way too much time and money inside of you!

Score: 3

Bob was grocery shopping in France... Cashier: That'll be 20 euros.
Bob: Alrighty!
Cashier: Would you like a bag?
Bob: Sure. Baguette. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Score: 1

Punny purchases Went shopping for a cherry and a microphone the other day. Bought a bing, bought a boom.

Score: 4

Did you hear about the time Tony Soprano went shopping for a cherry and a hand grenade? Bought a bing. Bought a boom.

Score: 2

I went shopping today for cherries and a microphone. Bought a Bing. Bought a boom.

Score: 3

The dress in the window A woman went shopping on vacation and asked the store clerk, "May I try on that dress in the window?" "Well," replied the clerk, "don't you think it would be better to use the dressing room?

Score: 3

ISIS mobile shopping app Everything is 90% off but you can only purchase while you're driving.

Score: 2

If you are shopping and you can't understand one of the workers they probably only get paid in whole dollars Because they don't make cents

Score: 4

Why did the man with ED go tuxedo shopping? Because if he was going to be impotent he wanted to look impo'tant.

Score: 1

Judge: I'm sentencing you to an evening of grocery shopping. Don't forget the coffee. Husband: You don't have grounds for that.

Score: 2

A man told his wife he was going grocery shopping... ...and she said "Pick up a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

The man gets back with twelve gallons of milk and said "They had eggs".

*Credit to whoever posted this in that askreddit thread*

Score: 4

What is the difference between a girl and a shopping cart? I wrap up my meat before I put it in the shopping cart.

Score: 2

I've been shopping in the kid's department for hours and they FINALLY found something that fits me! Although the handcuffs are a bit snug....

Score: 4

What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart? Sometimes, the shopping cart has a mind of its own.

Score: 3

Where do Angels go for Shopping? Saintsburys

Score: 2

Shopping in Europe can be dangerous. In some countries you can even get a man kilt!

Score: 2

Farmer Joe is out looking for a lost sheep when he wanders into a shopping mall to ask for help. He asks a security guard if he has seen any sheep wandering around the mall.

The security guard says "They're everywhere, just look for the AirPods."

Score: 1

I visited a shopping complex owned by a fat psychic. It was a large medium's mall.

Score: 1

I have always hated shopping for clothes because my mom would always hit me alot with a coathanger as a child Then i was born

Score: 3

Girl, you must be a Pakistani shopping mall Because a lot of guys think they would be in paradise if they blew up inside you.

Score: 4

(Flash of brilliance while out shopping) My friend asked me what my favorite store to shop at was. I couldn't decide, so I said I love "them all"

Score: 2

I saw Darth Maul out shopping at a sale the other day... Everything was half off.

Score: 1