Hilarious Sleeping Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Sleeping Jokes

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and be glad that you are alive? I did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again...

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Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive? I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore...

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Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you're alive? I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.

Score: 1916

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping... ...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...

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Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed I was really angry because he is actually really handsome

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After years of marriage, I've finally learned the ultimate secret to keep a woman satisfied in bed... Let her keep sleeping.

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Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad you're alive? I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again

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Did you hear about the crematorium employee who took a nap on a gurney during his break? He got fired for sleeping on the job.

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I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping .. ...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

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Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time. But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

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What do you call a boy cat sleeping on a bed? Himalayan.

*Be gentle. First post on here.

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Some people have difficulties sleeping... but I can do it with my eyes closed.

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The first night in prison and not sleeping next to my wife, I wrestled uncontrollably with a large and throbbing erection. I just wish it had been mine.

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My only talent is sleeping I could do it with my eyes closed.

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Dentist: This is gonna hurt a little. Me: Ok. Dentist: I've been sleeping with your mom.

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What is Bill Cosby's favorite movie? Sleeping Beauty.

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A man burst into a bar with a revolver on his hand The man yelled at the top of his lungs

"WHICH ONE OF YOU HAVE BEEN SLEEPING WITH MY WIFE?"

The whole bar went silent, one man stood up and replied

"You're gonna need more than six bullets pal!"

Score: 151

You ever get laid in a sleeping bag? It's awful. You can't even move, you're drenched in sweat and your scout master is covering your mouth.

Score: 138

I am so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed.

Score: 123

I've been sleeping with my maid for the past 3 years. Just don't tell me wife, she hates it when I call her that.

Score: 119

I couldn't afford to take the kids to SeaWorld... So I took them to the fish market and said "Shhh, they're sleeping".

Score: 109

Why did the blonde tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? She didn't want to wake the sleeping pills.

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My 88 year-old grandfather is really good at sleeping. He can do it with his eyes *open*.

It's been 24 minutes now and he hasn't blinked once.

Score: 91

My father wants me to treat him like a king So I stabbed him while he was sleeping. The succession line has to go on, dad.

Score: 90

I lost my sleeping mask. I won't rest until I find it.

Score: 89

Why did the hipster get burned when he drank his coffee? The barista make a joke about sleeping with his mother.

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My doctor has advised me to start running. I'm not sick or anything. I've just been sleeping with his wife.

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My girlfriend just found out I've been sleeping with a barmaid I just hope that none of this gets back to my wife!

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What do Santa Claus and Bill Cosby have in common? They only come if you're sleeping.

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Honey I'm not allowed back at work anymore... Wife: why?

Man: I got fired for sleeping with the boss' wife.

Wife: Are you joking? His wife has been dead for 17 years.

Man: I'm also not allowed back at the cemetery.

Score: 43

"Wanna hear a really good joke about half-grown bananas?" "Nevermind, now's not the ripe time!" 😉

I made this myself, instead of sleeping at night.

Score: 40

Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets? So they don't wake up the sleeping pills.

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I think my wife was sleeping with my boss so I changed jobs to prevent that from happening... One of the perks of being self-employed.

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Sleeping with my wife is like playing Hide-and-Seek... I close my eyes, count to ten and say, "Ready or not, here I come."

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"Doctor, help me. I've been sleeping like a log." Doctor: "So how is that a problem?"

Patient: "I keep waking up in the fireplace."

Score: 27

I was sleeping with two twins for while in my 20s.... My friends all asked, "how can you tell them apart?" I replied, "well...Sharon has long blonde hair, and Derek has a beard."

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I was just boasting at work about how I'm currently sleeping with a set of twins... All the lads were very impressed but one asked;
"How do you tell them apart?"
"Easy", I said, "Michelle has long blonde hair and Dave has a moustache."

Score: 20

I'm so good at sleeping... ...I could do it with my eyes closed.

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Don’t ever take sleeping pills and laxatives at the same time... Because if you do, you’ll sleep like a baby...

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New Sleeping Jokes

A drunk guy was introducing his house to his friend. "This is the dining room, and this is our bedroom, on the bed is me sleeping with my wife".

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... Did you hear why the programmer stopped sleeping?
Because he was killing bugs at night.

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After 30 years of marriage I still get excited by the prospect of sleeping with my wife It's crazy that we're still virgins

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My antivax girlfriend layed on the bed and asked me to make her scream Then I whispered in her ear "When you were sleeping I vaccinated you"

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A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Johnny raised hand. and replied, "Because people are sleeping."

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This little kid bragging about sleeping in a race car bed. STFU you little idiot, I don't even have a car.

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A male chicken was bragging about sleeping with multiple chickens and I didn't like it. I am a virgin and he was being too cocky.

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The hardest part about sleeping with females now days is the women's movement. And here's me like: stop struggling.

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My name should be bra 'cause all these girls be sleeping without me

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I went to a party with the intent on taking a girl home and sleeping with her. My beer goggles were on so I didn’t realize until the next morning her teeth had cracks all over.. I slept with the creature from the crack lagoon

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A Sunday school teacher ask the children, "why is it necessary to be quite in church?" The children replied, "because people are sleeping."

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Due to an increase of home invasions in Paris The number of people sleeping with a white flag beside their bed has spiked drastically

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I just bought a sleeping bag from a car boot sale and it's living up to its name. It's been snoring all the way home.

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I bought a sleeping bag from a car boot sale and it lived up to its name. It was snoring all the way home.

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I'm super good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed

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I found a way to drastically lose weight while sleeping! and the money from selling my organs isn't bad either.

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Two cars got into an accident ... An officer shows up and asks one of the drivers who is at fault here. The driver replies: I don't know, I was sleeping, ask the other guy ...

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What do you call a sleeping wolf? An unawarewolf.

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Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping next to you, and be glad that you're alive? I don't.

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What do you call a drunk Irishman sleeping on your porch? Paddy O' Furniture.

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My personal trainer was giving me advice. He said, "You have to have a life outside the gym."

I was so offended that I walked out with my sleeping bag.

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When asked what sort of women he would consider sleeping with the pope replied Nun.

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My Grandpa was a retired Boxer. He had trouble sleeping. He tried counting sheep but everytime he got to 10 he got up.

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Aussie bin man knocks on front door of China mans house as he can't find his bin. Aussie binman: gd day mate. Where's ya bin?

China man: ah hello. I bin sleeping.

Aussie bin man: na mate. Whes ya wheelie bin?

China man: ah. Ok. I really been wankin.

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Disney princesses usually have a good reputation. But Sleeping Beauty is mistaken as a bad influence because she is always under a rest

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Not your usual goat joke I walked past a baby goat sleeping. I was later arrested for kidnapping, has nothing to do with the kid napping, they just found my basement

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Sleeping patterns It's funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.

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I ran over man sleeping by the road. I guess he was tired.

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Patient: Great, how often do I have to take it? Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”

Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”

Doctor: “Every two hours.”

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The perfect doctor Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”

Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”

Doctor: “Every two hours.”

Score: 3

It's not nice sleeping in an old man's bed. But sometimes it's tiring being a nurse.

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"Sir, wake up!" The nurse said to the old patient.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because i forgot to give you your sleeping pills!"

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I just found out why they open medicine cabinets very carefully... To not disturb and wake up the sleeping pills...

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I'm a pro at sleeping I can even do it with my eyes closed

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An army general had to fire his secretary after sleeping together and things got wierd He gave her an honorable discharge

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what do you call a sleeping cow a bull-dozer

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I thought it was an open marriage, but my wife still left me for sleeping around. How was I supposed to know that her in-laws were off-limits?

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I've been keeping a count of the prostitutes I've been sleeping with. Tally ho!

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Father asks child why they must be quite in Church. "Because of the people sleeping?"

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What do you call two black guys in a red sleeping bag? A KitKat

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Why do women hate sleeping with Migos? They always leave Offset

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Why does DJ Khaled have sleeping issues? Because everytime he tries to count sheeps before falling asleep, he always goes like : "Another one, another one, another one..."

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I like to switch things up in bed Now I'm sleeping on the couch. Good thinking from Nintendo though. I can play here too.

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I want to die sleeping I want to die sleeping, like Grandpa Fred, not screaming, like the people in his car.

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When a Prince Kisses a Sleeping Princess, it's "Romantic"... ...but when I give a shoulder rub to the lady sleeping in front of me on the bus, I'm "banned from riding the bus"

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What do you call a sleeping policeman? An undercover cop.

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"What do you call a sleeping chameleon?" "A Chameleoff"

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I love sleeping so much! \* Opens my eyes \*

Doctor: You were in Coma for four years.

Me: Just five more minutes please.

\* Goes back to sleep \*

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Little Jimmy was sleeping in class when... The teacher saw him dozing off and interrupted his nap.

He said in a stern tone: "Jimmy, you know you can't sleep in class."

Jimmy retorted: "Yeah, but if you were a little quieter I could."

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How could schopenhauer learn while sleeping? Cause of pillowsophy!

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What kind of dogs will patrol the Trump wall? Border Collies!

I just came up with this after not sleeping for 30+ hours. Sorry for the cheesy goodness.

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After Thanksgiving dinner, I told my wife she should be on a cooking show. Now I'm sleeping on the couch. Worst Cooks in America has decent ratings. Why is she complaining?

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fishing is like girls Neither care about size when they're sleeping

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Genie visits a guy sleeping and tells him he has just one wish Guy anxiously tells him that he wants his weenie to touch the floor and the genie goes pooof!

Next morning when the man wakes up his feet have become tiny!

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Did you hear about the camper who refused to wake up? He was intent on sleeping in.

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Mom, I'm sleeping wit the neighbour -That's unacceptable young lady! He could be your Dad!

-But Mom, you don't understand. Age doesn't matter for true love!

-I didn't say anything about age ...

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Why are all black people scared of sleeping? 'Cause one had a dream, and he died.

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My parents were really confused when I was a kid... They would always put me to bed when I was wide awake and wake me up when I was sleeping.

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My girlfriend said we should only lie if it's to surprise each other. And boy oh boy was she surprised to find out I've been sleeping with her sister.

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