Hilarious Smoking Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Smoking Jokes

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”. Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

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I’m okay with smoking, alcohol, and marijuana. But cocaine is where I draw the line.

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Everyone tells you that smoking will kill you What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

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Online classified ad Premature ejaculator in need of smoking hot size 6 blonde.

Preferably with blue eyes and huge double d....

Nevermind.

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What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and possibly use lubricant

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Sir, your son was smoking marijuana at school during the class! Says the teacher to a student's parent at a school gathering.

-- Did he say where he got it?

-- Yes! His best friend gave it to him.

The father, cleaning his tears:

-- Did he really say that?

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I told my wife I was gonna start smoking pot. She said if I did she'd leave me. I guess it's true what they say... Marijuana truly is an effective way to get rid of aches and pains.

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The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana". It's hard on your joints.

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Smoking will kill you... Bacon will kill you... But,

Smoking bacon will cure it.

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Being on a United Airlines flight is like smoking weed. You take a hit, then a long drag and soon you wake up not knowing where you are.

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A man always smoked two cigarettes at a time When people asked him why, he answered: i'm smoking one for myself and one for my brother in jail.

One day he was smoking only one, so people gladly asked "is your brother out of jail?"
He answered: "no, I quit"

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What's the difference between smoking weed and burning the koran? If you burn the koran, you can only get stoned once.

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What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down.

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I got fired on the first day of my new job for asking customers if they would prefer "Smoking or Non-Smoking." Apparently, the correct phrase is, "Cremation or Burial."

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Fidel Castro was a cigar-smoking, repressive leader who hated free speech and a free press. Donald Trump, in comparison, doesn't smoke.

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If your girlfriend starts smoking Slow down and start using a lubricant

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Quitting smoking is the easiest thing I've ever done. I've quit hundreds of times.

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Studies have shown that smoking weed causes short term memory loss. Next thing you know they'll be saying smoking weed causes short term memory loss.

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If your girlfriend starts smoking.. Use some lubricant.

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I stopped smoking weed the day after I spent 30minutes looking for my phone under the bed... ....while using my phone's flashlight

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I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking..... We can collect her ashes tomorrow.

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Guess who stopped smoking this morning? Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi

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Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old. And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"

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If your girlfriend starts smoking... Slow down and use lubricant

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I'm ok with marijuana, and smoking and even heroin But cocaine is where I draw the line!

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Tom observed that his girlfriend had started smoking so he slowed down and applied some lubricant.

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What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down, and maybe use some lubricant.

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If your girlfriend starts smoking slow down or apply lubricant

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Smoking is a scientific wonder! It kills people, but cures salmon.

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"Your eyes look red." said the cop. "Have you been smoking weed?" "Your eyes look glazed." I replied. "Have you been eating donuts?"

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I'm ok with marijuana, smoking, and even heroin But with cocaine I draw the line

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Smoking is good for the environment Because it kills humans

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Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world I know because I've done it thousands of times.

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I was sitting in the train and across from me was this smoking hot Thai chick "Please don't get an erection...." I thought, "please don't get an erection....".

But she did.

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My ex girlfriend is a lot like my grill. They're both smoking hot and burned my house down.

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After seeing the Anti-Smoking campaign, I don't smoke anymore. But I don't smoke any less, either.

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A chicken and egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette. The egg says to herself, "I guess we answered that question."

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What does smoking cure? Ham

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I don't understand why people say it's hard to quit smoking I have done it twenty times a day for years now.

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New Smoking Jokes

What game do cows play after smoking weed? High steaks poker

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To stop smoking is super easy I've done it 5 times already.

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Why was the teenager arrested in Wal-Mart after asking if they sold protective coverings to use while smoking weed? When asked why he came in, he said he needed to “case the joint.”

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What do you call a group of Indians smoking weed? A Hindu Kush

I am not sorry

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Did you hear about the fruit that started smoking? It was pear pressure.

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Everybody says smoking will kill you What don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

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If smoking is so supposed to be so bad then why does it cure salmon?

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Everyone tells you smoking will kill you What they don’t tell you is that it cures salmon

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The intellectual People say smoking will give you dangerous diseases. What they don't know is that it cures salmon & so on...!

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Did you hear about the guy who died after smoking a whole cigarette in under a second? What a drag!

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A chicken and an egg were in bed together. The chicken was smoking a cigarette and the egg looked frustrated. I guess that answers that question.

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My girlfriends been smoking for 45 minutes now... Maybe I should put her out.

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A musician died while smoking weed from a dollar bill... At least he went out on a high note

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Wow, somebody actually died from smoking too much weed His cause of death was "Blunt Force Trauma"

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I'm done with smoking, for good... now I only smoke for evil

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What's the best part about smoking meth? Only three more sleeps till Christmas

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Under my doctor's advice, I am now healthily smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day. He told me smoking just 1 pack a day would kill me

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I read an article about how smoking is bad for your health and I decided... That's it.

I'm no longer reading

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My friend and I were in the car the other day and I said I smelled weed. He said 'It's just a skunk' Can you believe it? He thought a skunk was smoking weed.

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An old lady was smoking and pumping gas... Next thing I know, she's running around the parking lot, screaming, with her arm on fire. The cops showed up and arrested her for waving a firearm in public.

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Hey guys I am making a group where we can share and promote smoking weed We shall be called the Joint Forces

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Quitting smoking is the easiest thing ever Ive done it a thousand times

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What does a wolf hunter consider success? Smoking a pack a day.

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Just put my father's ashes in the bin. I wish he'd stop smoking or just empty the tray himself.

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Sir, don't you know that smoking is slow death? Who said i was in a hurry?

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I finally figured out how to get a smoking hot body Cremation.

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The only time I'll ever have a smoking-hot body ...is when I'm cremated

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Don't smoke kids, Because smoking kids is bad for you.

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What is the difference between burning the Quran and smoking weed? You only get stoned once after burning the Quran.

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What do you call a pioneer smoking weed? A trail blazer.

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What do you call a smoking alkane? High Octane

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My dad says quitting smoking is pretty easy... ...He quit like 100 times.

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Those studies that say people often die from smoking are bullshit. My uncle smoked. He died only once.

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What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking... Stop and apply lubrication

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I think my neighbor might be involved in some illegal activities. I heard him confess to tax evasion when I was smoking meth in his attic.

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What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down. And probably use some lube.

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What should you do when you see your girl smoking? Slow down, use lube and try again.

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Why do fat people like to be cremated? Because then they get to have smoking hot bodies.

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What do you call some that dies while smoking weed? Stoned to death.

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There's a sociopathic murderer on the loose, and reports are saying he is constantly smoking marijuana. Police are calling him the weedkiller.

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A guy narrates of his incredible tale to a friend "I came across this beautiful woman. She was tied to the railroad tracks. I freed her and we made passionate love. Her body was smoking hot!"

"How was the face?" his friend asked.

"Oh I didn't find the head."

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They say quitting smoking is the easiest thing on the world That's why I've done it a million times

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Someone pressured me into smoking weed one time and it still scares me to this day I call it blunt force trauma

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Cop: Your eyes look red. Have you been smoking pot? Me: Your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating donuts?

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The best day is tomorrow. Tomorrow we all will go to gym, start studying and working in earnest, quit smoking and drinking, will get up and go to bed early...

But every day when we wake up, it's today again...

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What does smoking cure? Pork

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Smoking can't be that bad I don't know of a single living person that died from smoking.

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Why do stoners make lousy poker players? Because they keep smoking the pot.

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Hear about the famous chain-smoking Dutch painter? Vincent Van Cough

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What do you call a Pokemon who is trying to quit smoking? Vaporeon

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It turns out smoking prevents Alzheimers. You don't live long enough to develop it.

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Research shows that smoking pot does not make you paranoid. But I highly doubt it.

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My girlfriend likes it from behind while she's smoking a blunt. Snoop Doggy style.

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Just say No I spent today grinding down the latch from the little wooden door that leads into my garden, then tried smoking the resultant powder only to find that it had zero effect on me - so much for these gateway drugs...

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Why did the farmer stop smoking with his cattle? Because the steaks were too high...

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An angry cell walks into a bar... Smoking a cigarette the cell orders a drink.
When the barman turns around the cells were three. "Tumor!"

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I have decided to run a marathon and have taken up vaping instead of smoking You could say I am running on fumes.

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What do you do if your daughter starts smoking? Slow down and use lube.

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My laptop got left outside during a storm. I tried turning it on and the screen blew and the keyboard started smoking. That's the first time I've seen the rain set fire to a Dell.

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A couple of guys threw rocks at me for smoking weed in public. I was stoned.

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