Hilarious Soviet Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Soviet Jokes

Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history? People would wait days in line for a single piece

Score: 1122

Old Soviet joke. Reagan and Gorbachev run a marathon.

Reagan won.

Next day US newspapers: “Reagan won. Gorgachev lost”.

Soviet newspapers: “Gorbachev finished second. Reagan finished next to last”.

Score: 835

Score: 765

In Soviet Russia, you rob banks... in Capitalist America, banks rob you!

Score: 736

We should get all the ex-USSR states back together Then we could have a Soviet re-Union

Score: 695

Old soviet joke. Who is your mother?

Our great Soviet country.

Who is your father?

Our dear comrade Stalin.

What's your greatest desire?

Becoming an orphan.

Score: 601

Old Soviet Joke Little Boy: What will Communism be like when perfected?

His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.

Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?

His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."

Score: 452

We should have known the Soviet Union would collapse. There were a lot of red flags.

Score: 376

If the USSR suddenly came back together... ... it should be called the Soviet Reunion.

Score: 325

The soviet union actually made the best bread in the world. People would stand in line for days just to get a piece of it.

Score: 304

If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian... then soviet

Score: 235

Husband and wife are arguing... The husband thinks it's raining

His wife says, "No honey, that's snow"

So they ask Rudolph, their soviet friend what he thinks.

He says, "That is rain, comrade."

The husband says, "See! Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Score: 213

In Russia, we have only two TV channels; Channel one is Soviet propaganda... Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.

Score: 165

A Soviet newspaper announces: "Last night, the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Station fulfilled the Five Year Plan for heat energy generation..."

"...in four microseconds."

Score: 147

Old Soviet joke People are waiting in a long line like to buy vodka. Finally one alcoholic snaps and screams - 'I can't take it, I'll go kill Gorbachev!' And leaves the store. 10 minutes later he come back and says. 'The line to kill Gorbachev is even longer.'

Score: 129

If me having a Russian accent means my B's sound like V's... Soviet

Score: 118

If pronouncing my b's as v's makes me sound Russian Soviet

Score: 117

Why didn't anyone drive stick in Soviet Russia? They were afraid of Stalin.

Score: 103

Why was everyone in the Soviet Union so good at driving manual? Because they were afraid of Stalin.

Score: 103

If the USSR were to become a country again... ...would it be called the Soviet Reunion?

Score: 76

What do you call a group of Soviet snipers? Marxmen.

Score: 75

If pronouncing "b" as "v" makes me sound Russian Soviet

Score: 73

What did soviet russians use for lighting before they started using candles? Electricity.

Score: 71

Why did the soviet plane crash? It was stalin

Score: 67

In Soviet Russia policeman questioning a man: *This body is your mother in law, yes?*

**Yes**

*How did she die?*

**Mushroom poisoning**

*But why does she have 26 stab wounds?*

**She was refusing to eat them**

Score: 62

Who was the unluckiest person in Soviet Russia? Yuri Gagarin. He circled the earth 3 times but still ended up in Russia.

Score: 60

Why could nobody in the Soviet Union drive a car? They kept Stalin.

Score: 60

If pronouncing B's as V's makes me Russian.. ..then Soviet

Score: 57

What happens when the USSR gets back together? A Soviet Reunion.

Score: 54

Why can you never trust a car made in the Soviet Union? They keep Lenin to the left, and Stalin.

Score: 54

In Soviet Russia, pessimist says "things couldn't possibly possibly get any worse"... Russian optimist says "Yes they can!!!"

Score: 42

If pronouncing your b's like v's makes you sound Russian... Then *soviet!*

Score: 41

What would the reunification of the USSR be called? The Soviet Reunion

Score: 29

I should have broken up with my boyfriend when he showed me his collection of Soviet memorabilia... I mean, the red flags were right there in front of me.

Score: 28

People should have known that Soviet Union would collapse. There were a lot of red flags.

Score: 21

In Soviet Union we had old joke about Stalin But you would die laughing if you heard it

Score: 15

Post-WW2 Soviet joke \- Who is your mother?

\- Our great Soviet state!

\- Who is your father?

\- Our dear comrade Stalin!

\- What's your dream?

\- Becoming an orphan!

Score: 14

A date told me she'd love to have visited the Soviet Union at it's greatest. I got out of there real quick. It was clearly a big red flag.

Score: 12

What do you call a Russian Get-together after 50 years? A soviet re-union.

Score: 11

Why didn't the Soviet Union join WW2 until 1941? They were using Stalin-tactics

Score: 11

New Soviet Jokes

So, You’re going to make fun of me for being a Communist? Soviet

Score: 0

If you go home with someone and see a large soviet flag... Well that's a big red flag

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In school, work determines your marks In Soviet Russia, Marx determines your work!

Score: 7

What If the Soviets Reunited Today? It would be a Soviet Re-Union.

Score: 6

Why cant you commit suicide in Soviet Russia? Because it's the destruction of government property.

Score: 3

What’s the difference between us and we and our? Neither they all serve the Soviet Union.

Score: 1

They say the Soviet Union had the best Bread! It was so good, people waited on line for hours to get some.

Score: 7

If Stalin didn't become the leader of the Soviet Union he would be Starvin.

Score: 4

If Stalin didn't become the leader of the Soviet Union he would've been Starvin.

Score: 2

A soviet KGB member was talking to his friend. He says, "How are you doing?"

The friend replies, "Can't complain!"

Score: 3

What are the four main problems with Soviet agriculture? Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter









yeh this Reagan's joke, doesn't mean it isn't funny

Score: 1

One Soviet Soldier asks another, “What is the difference between the United States constitution and the Soviet constitution? They both guarantee the freedom of speech.”

The other soldier answers, “One grants freedom after the speech.”

Score: 2

In Soviet Russia, there is no meiosis There is only ourosis

Score: 5

In Soviet Russia we're all equal... ...ly worthless.

Score: 5

What do you call a gathering of the Stalin and Lenin families? A Soviet Reunion

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In Soviet Russia you don't make a meme, You make a usus.

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If they still existed, the Soviet government would have been the world’s leading producer of memes. They had to seize the memes of production.

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If you go to a friends house and they have a giant banner of the Soviet Union hanging in their room That should be a red flag

Score: 4

I was dating a chick from the Soviet Union... it was nice until she tried to seize my means of reproduction.

Score: 8

Did you know people in Russia are sexually attracted to light? In Soviet Russia, lights turn YOU on!

Score: 3

In America you peek at pokemon... ... in soviet Russia pokemon peekatchu

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What happens is Soviet socialism comes to Saudi Arabia? For the first five years, nothing, and then there will be a shortage of sand.

Score: 3

In Soviet Russia, they don’t play The Floor is Lava... They play The Floor is Democracy

Score: 8

Why was the soviet union so ineffective? Because it's leader was **Stall**in' but it's people were **Rush**an.

Score: 8

What's 500m long and eats only potatoes? People in Soviet Union waiting in line for meat.

Score: 1

In Soviet Russia you don't iron curtains. Iron Curtains you.

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Why was everyone named Ezekiel in the Soviet Union? Because everyone Ezekiel in communism.

Score: 4

Why do russian athletes die in the first Place? Because in Soviet Russia lead is in you.

Score: 1

Adam and Eve must have lived in the soviet union. They had no clothes, no roof over their heads, the only food they had was an apple and the management was constantly telling them they were in paradise.

Score: 3

Here in Soviet Russia You rob bank.
Here in Capitalist America, bank rob you!

Score: 5

In Soviet Russia there are only two Tv channels. Channel one is propaganda. Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.

Score: 6

What's the difference between a cow and a Soviet grocery store? A cow has milk in it

Score: 6

Soviet pessimists and optimists Soviet pessimist say "Ilya, things couldn't possibly get any worse"

Soviet optimist, with a big grin, says "Yes they can Sasha"

Score: 6

Why was there no school in Soviet Russia? Because it was a classless society

Score: 4

When I was little I heard that Russians liked to drink A lot... After going through health class I realized that was bad but hey, if they wanted to be alcoholics then Soviet

Score: 5

What was the Soviet Union's favourite bird? Josef Starling.

Score: 1

Soviet beds In soviet union, we do not have two person bed, we have the three person bed.

Why?

Because comrade lenin is always with you!

Score: 2

It was geography class in Soviet Russia... and little Dmitri asked, 'Why don't we ever get tested on the capitals of foreign countries?'

The teacher replied, 'Because we hate capital-lists, Dmitri.'

Score: 1

America Wants You! In Soviet Russia, you want America.

Score: 10

What happens when Russia, Belarus, Kazakhstan, Armenia, Ukraine and Latvia get back together? A Soviet reunion

Score: 11

If you think it, don't say it. If you say it, don't write it down. If you write it down, don't... ... be surprised.

-Soviet proverb. Also seemed relevant in light of the CIA news.

Score: 1

The Soviet Union could have worked just fine, but the regime was dominated and swerved by political extremes Next time we should seize the trimmed means of production.

Score: 1

Soviet Poem Roses are red
Violets are red
If you are not red
You get bullet to head

Score: 2

roses are red, violets are blue in soviet russia, poems write you.

Score: 5

What do you call a person who doesn't like Soviet Russia? A citizen of Soviet Russia

Score: 4

In Soviet Russia, a Judge bursts into his chambers laughing *"I've just heard the funniest joke about Stalin... ever!"*

*"Well, go ahead and tell us."*, the other Judges ask.

*"I can't. I just gave someone a life sentence for it."*

Score: 7

Oldie - -Communist China telegrams Soviet Russia Communist China:
WE ARE OUT OF FOOD. SEND GRAIN

Soviet reply:
WE ARE ALSO OUT OF FOOD. TIGHTEN YOUR BELTS

Communist China:
SEND BELTS

Score: 4

Why was there no crime in the Soviet Union? There was nothing worth stealing...

Score: 1

TIL of an incident during the Cold War when American ships, fearing a Soviet attack, nearly fired on a friendly vessel. Whoops, wrong sub.

Score: 6

If your soviet girlfriend wants to take it slow Don't Russia

Score: 9

What fabric is worn in Soviet Russia? Linen

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My favorite Joke about the Soviet Union A old babushka is walking down the street and sees a little boy with only one shoe. She comes to him and asks, "Did you lose a shoe, poor boy?"
He replies, "No... I FOUND a shoe!"

Score: 4