Hilarious Speeding Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Speeding Jokes

A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway COP: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?

Miner: mine

Score: 7762

A cop stopped a guy for speeding... He said, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"I was trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.

He said, "There is no traffic."

And the guy answered, "That's how far behind I am."

Score: 2615

I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again. I didn't get pulled over or anything, I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.

Score: 1181

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who’s speeding down the highway in the wrong direction. She replied: “I know! There’s like hundreds of them!”

Score: 485

Who is going to win tonight's presidential election? The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.

Score: 355

Me: Officer, are you actually crying while you're writing me a speeding ticket? Officer: It was a moving violation

Score: 299

I learned my lesson about speeding today, and I'll definitely make sure it never happens again... I didn’t get pulled over or anything, it's just that I got to work 20 minutes early.

Score: 170

Why did Harry Potter get pulled over for speeding? Because he didn't expect-no-patrol-man

Score: 121

A man was pulled over by a police officer for speeding The police officer asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"I was trying to keep up with traffic," the man replied.
The cop said, "There is no traffic."
The man replied, "That's how far behind I am."

Score: 65

When a cop stopped someone for speeding... Cop - "Sir, Do you know how fast you were just going?"
Man - "I was just trying to keep up with traffic," he replied.
Cop - "There is no traffic."
And the man answered, "That's how far behind I am."

Score: 61

A cop stopped a guy for speeding... He said, "I have been waiting all day for someone like you."

And the guy answered, "That's why I wanted to be here as fast as possible !"

Score: 59

A blonde gets pulled over for speeding. Cop: "You were speeding, can I see your license?"

Blonde: "Of course not!"

Cop: "Why is that?"

Blonde: "You just took it away from me yesterday, and now you expect me to show it to you!"

Score: 56

An electron is speeding down the highway when a police officer pulls him over. The officer walks up to the car and asks, "do you know how fast you were going."

The electron replies, "Yeah, but now I'm lost."

Score: 50

"What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket, Officer?" "Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle."

Score: 48

German physicist Werner Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding. The cop asked, do you know how fast you were going? Heisenberg responds, no but I know exactly where I am.

Score: 46

Girl, you’re like speeding in a construction zone… Double Fine

Score: 45

A guy gets pulled over for speeding The cops walks up to the guy's car window and says "Son, I've been here just a waitin' for you all day."

The guy replies "Well, I got here as fast as I could".

Score: 40

Werner Heisenberg is speeding down the highway... and this cop pulls him over. The cop says, "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am!"

Score: 35

The city of Chicago is no longer giving speeding tickets... Instead, to deter speeders, the are giving away Bears tickets.

Score: 35

A cop pulls a driver over for speeding The driver says, "C'mon, everyone on the road was breaking the speed limit."

The cop nods and says, "Tell me, have you ever been fishing?"

"Yeah... What's that got to do with it?"

"Did you catch *all* the fish?"

Score: 31

An officer pulls over a speeding blonde woman After she rolls down her window, he asks her to take out her license.

She angrily exclaims "Yesterday you guys took away my license and now you expect me to have it on me?"

Score: 30

A man gets pulled over for speeding and evading the police. The officer asks him why he didn't stop. "Well," says the man, "my wife ran off with a cop last week and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back!"

Score: 26

Girl, are you a speeding infraction in a construction zone? ‘Cause you DOUBLE FINE!

Score: 26

What am I supposed to do with this? "What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket. "Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle."

Score: 24

So this guy gets pulled over... He's speeding and clearly stoned.

The police officer says:

"How high are you?"

And the man replies

"No officer, it's hi how are you."

Score: 23

Why didn't the piece of paper move out of the way when a car came speeding towards it? Because it was stationary.

Score: 21

I was was caught speeding yesterday The police officer walked up to my window

Officer: I've been waiting for you all day

Me: I know, i came as fast as I could

Score: 19

I got a speeding ticket last month and took it to court Rudy Giuliani was my lawyer and plead me down to second degree murder

Score: 19

Dr Heisenberg gets pulled over for speeding. The policeman asks him, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?". "No, ", replies Dr. Heisenberg, "but I know where I am!".

Score: 18

A policeman pulls over a car... for speeding. The policeman asks the men at the wheel, "Do you know what I'm stopping you for?" and the man at the wheel responds, "Just cos I'm Russian, eh?"

Score: 14

Pulled over by the Five-O A cop pulled me over the other day. Apparently I was speeding. He said: "Papers."

I said: "Scissors, I win!" and drove away.

Score: 13

What did a laid-back Italian cop say to a speeding driver? That's a fine.

Score: 11

A cop stops a speeding guy... - Do you know how fast you were going?
- I was just trying to keep up with traffic!
- There is no traffic...
- Yeah, THAT'S how far behind I am.

Score: 11

I got pulled over doing 69 in a 55 last night. I'm pretty sure I was speeding too, but the cop just kept focusing on the legs around my head being unsafe.

Score: 11

Where do you go when you're white and caught speeding, then get separated into different colours only to come out bent and totally different to how you came in? Prism

Score: 10

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail I sent it right back, way too expensive and really bad quality

Score: 8

I just got pulled over for speeding and the cop asked me to identify myself. I sat up straight and looked in the mirror and said... "Yes. That's me."

Score: 7

So a cop pulled me over one day for speeding... he asked: "excuse me sir, but do you know how long i've been waiting for you?"
i said:" i know, i'm sorry but i tried to get here as fast as i could."

Score: 6

I just got a photo from a speeding camera I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality

Score: 6

Cop pulls over an 80 year old woman A cop pulls over an 80 year old woman for speeding and says "Hi there, why are you driving so fast?"
Woman says "Come on sir, let me go while I still know where I'm going"

Score: 5

New Speeding Jokes

I have the superpower of stopping a speeding bullet! But just once.

Score: 2

I have a growing addiction of speeding through red lights There's just no signs of stopping.

Score: 1

What's the difference between a speeding driver and a tumor? one goes fast and kills you

the other grows fast and kills you

Score: 1

Over the weekend I got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.

Score: 2

Heisenberg gets pulled over for speeding Officer: "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg: "No, but I know exactly where I am."

Score: 3

Two cops speeding to an incident The officer driving asks his partner to check if the lights on the roof are working.

His partner sticks his head out of the window and then replies,

"......yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no......"

Score: 3

I talked my way out of a speeding ticket today I was going 90 on a country road and the officer pulled me over walked over to my car and said "I've been waiting for you all day" I said "im sorry officer I got here as fast as I could"

Score: 2

Blonde gets caught speeding Officer stops the blonde to ask her why she was driving 130mph.

So the blonde responded with:
There is no way! That is impossible, I have only been in the car for 30 minutes!

..... *thumbleweed*

.... i'll let myself out now.

Score: 2

A man is pulled over for speeding. Once the officer tries to talk to the man, he notices that he's very stoned. The officer then asks… "Sir, how high are you?"
Quickly the man slurs the words,
"No, officer. It's 'Hi. How are you?'"

Score: 3

Paddy was speeding down the motorway When the blue lights of the police appeared in his rear view mirror.

Pulling him over, the police man said "I've been waiting for you all day!"

Paddy replies "well, I got here as fast as I could!"

Score: 2

I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back... Really bad quality and way too expensive.

Score: 2

Superman: "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, and more powerful than a locomotive" Batman: "I fight a penguin and a really persistent clown"

Score: 4

I got pulled over by a police officer yesterday in a 70km zone He said "are you aware that you were speeding" and showed that he clocked me going 99 on his radar

Said sorry officer common mistake you've read it upside down

Score: 1

Police officer stops a speeding car and asks the driver.... Police officer: ''Can you identify yourself, sir?''

Driver(pulling out his mirror): ''Yeah, it's me.''

Score: 4

Defending your next speeding ticket. Your honor, I had "no intent of breaking the speed limit". It was just "extreme carelessness". There was no sign of speed limit classification "at the time" that I was speeding.

Score: 1