Hilarious Stealing Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Stealing Jokes

I got fired from my job as a chef for stealing kitchen equipment. It's a whisk I was willing to take.

Score: 1569

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars. The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

Score: 1476

I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Score: 1410

People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.” *Their words, not mine.*

Score: 1305

Someone once told me that taking money out of your savings account is stealing from your future self. Well luckily for me my future self won't be able to afford a lawyer to press charges against me.

Score: 1188

Wanted: a man has been stealing the wheels off of police cars Officers are working tirelessly to catch him.

Score: 663

People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine

Score: 656

I never wanted to believe my husband was stealing from his job as a road worker... ...but when I got home all the signs were there.

Score: 585

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job at the construction site... But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Score: 535

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Score: 479

My dad I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Score: 474

I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing things at his job as a road worker But when I got home, all the signs were there

Score: 398

Score: 303

My girlfriend is always stealing my shirts and sweaters, but when I borrow a dress suddenly we "need to talk."

Score: 279

My girlfriend broke up with me for stealing her wheelchair But I'm not bothered, I know she'll come crawling back any day now

Score: 242

I didn't want to believe my father was stealing from the transportation department. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Score: 231

IKEA said if they catch me stealing anything else I'll be banned for life But that's a whisk I'm willing to take

Score: 191

On meeting Donald Trump, Kim Jon Un says “I will destroy America...” Trump replies, “No way, that’s my job. I won’t have another asian stealing an American job.”

Score: 189

My roommate yells at me for stealing her kitchen utensils But hey, it was a whisk I was willing to take.

Score: 188

Dad! Are you stealing? I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Score: 179

I refused to believe that my road working father was stealing from the job. But when I got home all the signs were there.

Score: 179

I didn't want to believe my flatmate was stealing from his job as highway maintenance ...but when I got home all the signs were there.

Score: 146

There was a guy in town stealing the wheels off police cars The cops are working tirelessly to catch him.

Score: 134

What did the man say to the thief stealing his cheese? Stop stealing my cheese

Score: 133

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Score: 129

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing. I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Score: 124

My wife is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters... But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".

Score: 98

I heard on the news, that there was a guy in town stealing the wheels off police cars. The cops are working tirelessly to catch him.

Score: 93

I got fired from my kitchen job for stealing cookware... ... it was a whisk I was willing to take.

Score: 87

Someone has been stealing tires off of cop cars Police have been working tirelessly to find the culprit

Score: 83

I started stealing cutlery from my cooking classes It was a whisk I was willing to take

Score: 81

My friend hasn't spoken to me since I accused him of stealing some wooden panels. I think he took a fence.

Score: 77

One of my neighbours has stopped talking to me after I accused him of stealing from my back garden... ...I think he took a fence.

Score: 68

Did you hear about the two guys that got caught stealing a calendar? They each got six months.

Score: 50

A broke man goes to a famous lawyer... "I have no money but I can give you an original Picasso drawing"

"That sounds good! What are you accused of?"

"stealing a Picasso drawing."

Score: 48

I nearly got caught stealing a board game the other day It was a risk I was willing to take.

Score: 43

I never wanted to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker, I don't know how I never noticed that all the signs were there..

Score: 26

Stop making jokes about how fat and disgusting Amy Schumer is. You're stealing her material.

Score: 25

People with Parkinson's Disease... ...are really good at making margaritas but terrible at stealing tambourines

Score: 20

If I had a nickel for every time I got kicked out of a restaurant... Maybe I wouldn't have to keep stealing the food

Score: 19

New Stealing Jokes

I think I may get fired from my restraint jobfor stealing.... But its a whisk I'm willing to take.

Score: 0

What did the optometrist yell when he blamed for stealing? “I was framed!”

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The owner of the store I work at was caught stealing some of the paintings on display by hiding them in the storage room. Unsurprisingly, he blamed it on me. I was framed.

Score: 0

I made the final table of an international poker tournament, but the Spainard kept unexpectedly stealing pots when he had the dealer button No one expects the Spanish in position

Score: 0

I called my brother a “jackass” for stealing government property from a public park. He took a fence.

Score: 3

The police are after me for stealing an inflatable from a public swimming pool .... Now I’ve gotta Lilo!

Score: 1

Someone has been stealing all the wheels of vehicles in the city you could say the cops are tirelessly trying to find him

Score: 2

A criminal is wanted for stealing the wheels of a police car... Officers are working tirelessly to find them.

Score: 1

My local news channel just said someone has been stealing the wheels off of police vehicles. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

Score: 4

Woman gets sentenced 10 days in jail for stealing bag of apple Judge: you’ll serve one day for each apple in the bag you stole

Husband: *jumps out of his seat* and tells the judge she also stole a bag of rice

Score: 2

Why are black people so skilled at basketball? The main aspects are shooting and stealing.

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My father who worked as a road worker got fired for stealing from his workplace I couldn't believe it when I first heard it, but when I came home all the signs were there.

Score: 10

What do you call a red head Asian girl who does things with grace? Ginger Lee.

*If you ever see this I'm sorry for stealing your original joke @Ziplock*

Score: 2

A man killed a guard when stealing the AsH3 formula last Sunday The guard died for arsine.

Score: 1

Stealing ideas from another is plagiarism Stealing ideas from many others is research

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I was arrested for stealing a clock It's okay, I have the time

Score: 5

I've been stealing products from the hygiene store I need to come clean

Score: 6

A red blood cell was found stealing oxygen... They had to make a cardiac arrest.

Score: 13

My Son Lied in School Today I got a call from the school, saying he was lying about stealing from other students.

I don't have a son at school.

Score: 4

I tried stealing someone's Earl Grey once… …but it wasn't my cup of tea.

Score: 5

I got caught stealing at the spice shop. I took too much thyme.

Score: 1

Mark knopfler's been arrested for stealing animals His lawyer said it was all just a misunderstanding and his client "thought the monkeys were nothing and the chimps were free"

Score: 1

I had to divorce my wife, she was just SO childish She kept stealing my bath toys.

Score: 6

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Stealing.

Score: 2

What did one robber say to the other after stealing 20 tons of Nutella? Let's get the fudge out of here!

Score: 2

Which world leader would you suspect of stealing all that Nutella? My best guess is Nutella the Hun

Score: 3

My father always complained about his firing from Lay's after being caught stealing produce. He always did have a huge chip on his shoulder.

Score: 11

Why is stealing toilets from the police station the perfect crime? Because the cops have nothing to go on.

Score: 19

To whoever keeps stealing the stairs to my front porch: I will find you; steps are being taken. If you ever show up here again, you will get such a railing.

Score: 8

Did you hear about the guy who was caught stealing Stephen King novels? He didn't get away with IT.

Score: 3

How do you report a bug? Because these ants are stealing my food at work.

Score: 2

So my GF gets mad at me for stealing her wheelchair , but she always comes back to me crawling.

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Having the choice of stealing is like most things I'm lukewarm towards. I can take it or leave it.

Score: 2

What did the eskimo say when he found out that his pet seal had been stealing from his fish reserve? "Inuit!"

Score: 2

I was seriously considering stealing a military strategy board game from the store yesterday... ...but i didnt. Im not much of a Risk taker.

Score: 18

I couldn't believe it when my Dad was arrested for stealing from construction sites. I should have known really, all the signs were there.

Score: 3

A man was convicted of stealing a few bags of Passiflora edulis at the supermarket Police say it was a crime of passion fruit.

Score: 1

Stealing ...beverages is not my cup of tea.

Score: 1

I saw a guy stealing gates The other day I drove past a guy stealing gates! He was just taking peoples gates right off their properties! I was going to say something but thought he might take a fence.

Score: 3

One time a guy said to me "Yeah, keep on stealing jokes for all I care." So I kidnapped him.

Score: 8

My girlfriend caught me stealing cats the other day. Forced me to let the cat out of the bag.

Score: 5

I don't play Uno with my Mexican friends.. They're always stealing the green cards.

Score: 13

My roommate kept stealing my detergent, so I poured all of his spices into it When it comes to getting revenge, thyme and Tide wait for no man.

Score: 3

Why are ghosts banned from the liquor store? Because they kept stealing all the booze.

Score: 6

My sense of humor is so dark It started stealing bikes!

Score: 5

Yesterday there was a guy stealing stuff from my kitchen He was busted since he was caught pan-nicking

Score: 1

I saw a guy stealing milk the other day... How dairy.

Score: 2

What did the cop say to senior citizen he caught stealing Depends? 'Ur in trouble.

Score: 1

Johnathon Ross got caught stealing from John Lewis He said it was a whisk he was willing to take

Score: 1

Why was there no crime in the Soviet Union? There was nothing worth stealing...

Score: 1

Why... Can't illegal US immigrants play Uno?

Because they keep stealing all the Green Cards

Score: 2

I had a suspicion that a robot might be stealing my wood So I checked its log files.

Score: 17

I should have noticed that my son, a railroad worker is stealing from his workplace But each time he came home I just ignored the signs

Score: 2

Two men have been arrested for stealing a calender.. They both got six months.

Score: 1

You'd think that when two atoms in a salt bond, they're being kind by sharing electrons, but actually, one atom is stealing the electron from the other. Isn't it ionic?

Score: 2