Hilarious Straight Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Straight Jokes

Harry Potter has way too many characters... Even J.K. Rolling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

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I've asked so many people what the abbreviation LGBTQA+ stands for. I never get a straight answer.

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If you're questioning your sexuality... You probably aren't thinking straight.

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Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines? Because they have a supreme ruler

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My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying 'Here comes the train', and we always ate the food straight away. Otherwise she wouldn't untie us from the tracks.

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My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying ‘here comes the train’, and we always used to eat it straight away Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks

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I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight. Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.

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At the pharmacy I asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around, looked them straight in the eyes and said, "Make that 52."

Score: 1754

True story: My wife told me after our first kid “I don’t think I’ll ever get down to my original weight.”

Me: “I’m glad you’re finally thinking straight, after all, 6 lbs 3 oz is just not realistic.”

She still doesn’t think it was funny years later.

Score: 1331

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!" The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male."

They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

Score: 1226

My Grandma is 96 years old and still doesn't need glasses She drinks straight from the bottle.

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A bishop walks straight up to the bar and the barman says You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.

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I'm so straight, I don't touch myself when I jerk off. My buddy Brian does it for me.

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Make fun of Kim Kardashians baby name choice for 'North West' if you want... But that child is going straight to the top...

And slightly to the left...

Score: 644

Lost my watch at a party... Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl.

^not ^^on ^^^my ^^^^watch.

Score: 519

America is so racist and homophobic That people even want their teeth to be straight and white.

Score: 444

I put a roofie in my wife's drink last night. It was AWESOME. I played PS4 for five hours straight without anyone asking me to do anything.

Score: 349

Why did HD TV jump from 2K straight to 4k? Because 3k was considered too racist.

Score: 306

I keep asking what LGBT stands for... But I'm not getting any straight answers

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Trump would be an amazing dentist He is against anything that's not white and straight.

Score: 281

I lost my watch I lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the face. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

Score: 229

There's three things I've never been able to get straight My sexuality, and counting

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Dentists are racist and homophobic. They want to make your teeth white and straight.

Score: 219

I asked 10 people what LGBT stands for But I never got a straight answer

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What's the difference between a cow and the Trump-Russia controversy? You can't milk a cow 24/7 for six months straight.

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Apparently the Dad jokes never stop... I just told my wife I was going to go hop in the shower; my 66 year old father-in-law looks me straight in the face and says, "You know, it works better if you just stand in it"...

Score: 187

I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer. He just kept telling me it's private.

Score: 172

If you're ever attacked by a group of clowns... Don't hesitate. Go straight for the juggler.

Score: 153

A bishop walks straight into a bar and orders a beer. "You can't do that," the bartender says. "You can only move diagonally."

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Watch Lost my watch at a party once. Saw a guy stepping on it while sexually harassing a girl. I walked up to the dude, punched him straight in the nose. No one does that to a girl, not on my watch.

Score: 96

Did you ever realize that the colours on the LGBT flag are actually all straight Unless it blows?

Score: 57

I walked up to the barman and asked for a vodka shot. He said, "Straight?"

I said, "Yeah. So don't get any ideas, pal."

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Why are married women fatter than single women? A single girl gets home, looks what's in the fridge and goes straight to bed. A married girl gets home, looks what's in the bed, and goes straight to the fridge

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A plane flies straight toward a mountain as pilot and co-pilot pull down on the control wheel with all their might The pilot yells "We'll never make it over that mountain" the co-pilot looks at him and says "Not with that altitude."

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How do you restrain a straight person? Give them a straight jacket.

How do you restrain a trans person?

Make the trans' vest tight.

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Why do social justice warriors hate dentists? Because they make teeth straight and white.

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Lost my wristwatch at a party once. A guy stepped on it while sexually harassing a girl. I punched him straight in the chin, knocking him out. Nobody does that to a girl, not on my watch.

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As a paramedic, I've learned that there is something you can never say with a straight face: I'm having a stroke.

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I asked my mom to tell me her best joke. She looked me straight in the eyes and said "I'm so glad I didn't get an abortion"

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New Straight Jokes

Hard to really appreciate the joy of Easter when I’ve already been eating chocolate for 27 days straight Happy Easter!

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I asked what is LGBT I couldn't get a straight answer.

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I just ordered a metal box taken straight from the wreckage of Chernobyl. What? I'm on a budget. It was the cheapest microwave I could find.

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Why does Chick-Fil-A hate prisms? Because they turn straight, pure white light into rainbow.

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How do you get out of San Francisco? Go straight....

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Welcome to the first ever LGBT Award Ceremony! Let's start off by getting one thing straight

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My essay about the Vietnam War went from an idea straight to a final version I dodged the draft

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After 20 Years I Found Out That I'm Actually Straight Dr. Scoliosis said that I should brace myself before he delivered the good news

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Everything's a booomerang If you throw it straight up

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My uncle just updated his profile to "I love my girlfriend <3" I knew he liked them young but that's just straight-up ridiculous

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Ever driven a car with no steering wheel? It's pretty straight forward.

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Why does Antifa hate dentists? Because they make teeth straight and white.

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Hurricane Nate is said to go straight North from The Gulf in to Alabama Experts say it will cause millions of dollars worth of improvement.

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I went to a busy bar last night dressed as a tennis ball I got served straight away.

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Why is North Korea so good at drawing straight line? Because they have a supreme ruler.

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What do you call a mathematician who never tells the truth? A straight outlier.

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What do you call a straight edge kid taking painkillers? An oxymoron

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It's a waste of time asking me about my sexuality... You'd never get a straight answer.

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My new favorite drink is a Steve Bannon It's straight gin, but you drink it at 8 am while shitposting on the internet.

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If you lined up everyone on Earth in a straight line most of them would drown

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I just stayed up for 10 days straight I only sleep at night

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Heterosexual women are just like spaghetti.... They're straight, until they get wet.

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Why cant unicorns become politicians? They get straight to the point and can be shown to be true

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I'm building an app to help people fall asleep at night. It'll be recordings of straight white men talking about gender identity, cultural appropriation and modern racism... Name of the app is White Noise.

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Spaghetti is the term I believe... With women, their sexuality can be a mood thing, can't it?
Spaghetti is the term I believe.

**Straight until wet**

-----------------------
(This is one of Jimmy Carr's jokes but I laughed a lot so I thought I'd share it.)

Score: 7

Who is the most politically neutral person in the world? A pedestrian crossing the road.
He looks left, right and walks straight.

Sorry

Score: 3

I like my women like I like my roads.. ...straight and with no one else on them!

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MAN: Give it to me straight, Doc...am I dying? DOC: *looking at medical chart* "Everyone's dying."

MAN: "Well yes, but what about me specifically?"

DOC: *Looks up* "You're, like, the Usain Bolt of dying."

Score: 5

Why was everyone confused when a crab walked straight into the bar? Because crabs only walk sideways.

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There are some things that you just can't say with a straight face Like: "I'm having a stroke"

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When it comes to LBGTQ questions... You'll get no *straight answers*

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The Bishop was late for service One day, the Bishop was late for church service.
He said it was traffic, but I don't think he went straight there.

He probably went diagonally.

Score: 9

I just got pulled over for speeding and the cop asked me to identify myself. I sat up straight and looked in the mirror and said... "Yes. That's me."

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I was playing baseball with my friend Tandra and she was pitching. I hit the ball straight into left field and made it to second base. That's a double on Tandra.

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I'm not surprised Tiger Woods to get arrested for a DUI... ...he hasn't been driving straight since 2009.

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All the guys I was juggling the football with are straight None of them could keep it up.

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How can you tell if your farmer is a certified gangster? His cornrows are always straight

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My wife seems sad and depressed. Its been raining straight for a long time, the sky is gloomy, and my wife has been looking at the window for days with this frustrated yet depressed expression on her face. Maybe I should let her in.

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Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who got fired? She couldn't keep her pupils straight

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"What does 'straight' mean?" ...asked the son.

Dad: Straight means something continuing in one direction without bending.

Son: Dad, is mom straight?

Dad: Yes son, she doesn't have any curves.

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Now let's get something straight here... go get me a ruler.

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i lost my watch at a party once after an hour of looking for it i saw a man stepping on it whilst sexually harassing a girl. i walked up to the man and punched him straight in the nose, nobody does that to a woman, not on my watch.

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How can you tell if a fly has farted? It flied straight for a moment

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After being forced to do sit ups for 4 hours straight The man died of ab-use

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Why couldn't the photographer see straight? He took too many shots.

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My wife is really kinky. She always trying new positions in bed. And she's not completely straight like I am. Because of the scoliosis...

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I heard a knock at the door the other day and when I answered it there was a 6 foot beetle standing there that just punched me straight in the face. Apparently there's a nasty bug going around.

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I like my coffee like I like my women. Black and straight from the plantation.

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Why do feminists hate the postal service? Because they deliver straight white mail.

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So a neighbor asked me if I wanted to do some math... And let me tell you, I've been awake for 3 days straight and never knew how much I liked math!

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As I'm walking in to work this morning my boss told me to "Have a good day" Who am i to argue? Thanked him and came straight back home

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Did you hear about the elderly seamstress with poor vision? She doesn't mend straight anymore.

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My daughter was throwing one of her temper tantrums when she shouted at me... "Well sorry for being born!"

I looked her straight in the eyes and said, "It's all right, just don't do it again."

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Did you hear about the protestors killing the circus? They went straight for the juggler.

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[Racist?] Why do all Asian kids get straight A's? Because the ones that don't are never heard from again.

I'll be here all day folks.

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There's one fantasy scene in 50 Shades of Grey that I'd love to be part of in real life... ...specifically, the part where the protagonist gets a job straight out of college.

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How do you steal something from a crazy person? You straight jack it.

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I hung a painting today perfectly on the first try I straight up nailed it

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How many straight men in california does it take to change a lightbulb? both of them

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While watching Hangover 2 the other day, I say to my friend, "I wonder where they're going in the third one?" "Straight to DVD."

Score: 18