Surgery Jokes

My dog has to wear this cone till he heals from surgery. It helps with the biting, but the barking? He sounds like a sub-whoofer.

The surgery was done and I could open my eyes for the first time. It was an eye opening experience

A surgeon was getting ready to operate on a patient. "David," he said, "don't worry. Remain calm. This is just a minor surgery." The patient replied, "my name is not David." "I know," the surgeon said. "My name is David."

"You just need to relax Steve, it's just a minor surgery, it happens everyday with no issues" the surgeon said The patient replies "But my name isn't Steve"

Nervously, the surgeon replies "But my name is"

What do you call it when a chicken gets its shoulder operated on? Rotisserie-cuff surgery

A man is returning to the vet to see if a surgery was successful. The vet says, "Here's the bill. Unfortunately, we couldn't reattach it to your duck."

Remember when plastic surgery was taboo, now if you mention Botox no one even raises an eyebrow..

My Wife had successful eye surgery Edit* ex wife she finally seen what I looked like

Remember when plastic surgery was a touchy subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow

What do you call a brain surgeon that got a C average in college? A brain surgeon. I hope your surgery goes well!

I can‘t see my dad after his gender reassignment surgery Guess he‘s a transparent now

My Doctors surgery called me today to tell me that the print out I received stating I have Blood Type A was incorrect. They say it was a Type O

Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. “I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.

“What did he say?,” asked the nurse.

“OOPS!”

"The way to a woman's heart is through her stomach" ... is apparently not true when you're performing cardiac surgery.

They say in order to help with bonding newborns take on characteristics of their fathers. Sure enough, my son was born with large features, a furrowed brow, and complained about nerve damage from his knee surgery.

I fell asleep during surgery My patient unfortunately passed away

Where does a hippopotamus live if he wants to study brain surgery in college? A hippo-campus

The dentist told me I'd have to get braces, or take the alternative route and have surgery. The price was jaw-dropping.

Why is there no clear distinction concerning the morality of altering one's personality through brain surgery? Because, it's a bit of a grey matter!

A man is going into hand surgery... He asks his doctor, "Will I be able to play the piano after the procedure?"

"Sure," his doctor replies.

"Good," says the man. "I've always wanted to be able to play."

Why did the stripper decide not to go through with the breast augmentation surgery? Because she found out her doctor graduated from the University of Hard Knockers.

Did you hear about the kid born without eye lids? They sewed his forskin on there. The surgery went fine but he's been cockeyed ever since

My patient was going to die but she refuses to undergo the surgery I guess she made a grave mistake

I read a book about a man who had plastic surgery. The preface was really good.

Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous. I see a lot of new faces tonight, which is disappointing.

One of the first things they want you to do before getting plastic surgery is.... Pick your nose.

Did you hear about the girl who was too afraid to go in for intestine transplant surgery? She didn't have the guts

I saw saw a few nasty surgery .gifs with open-organ operation. I don't really like surgery videos, but there's nothing I can do, totally clips of the heart.

Plastic Surgery Anonymous is one of the few places... where it's disappointing to see a new face each week.

Today I Saw A Living Tea Cup. But it was missing an arm, so I asked "what happened to your arm?"

He reply with "I had to get surgery to remove it."

"Oh"

"So I guess your an amputea?"

My girlfriend asked if she could get plastic surgery on her face. I told her "Honey, why would you ever feel the need to get plastic surgery?

Paper bags are much cheaper."

My plastic surgeon didn't even recognize me after the surgery I guess he's just terrible with faces

Medical question? My dad said he is going in for a hip replacement........is he having surgery or am I getting a cool new dad?

Mr. Jonathan Acci Jonathan was a hard worker who went to school, studied hard, learned his profession, worked his way up the ladder and eventually opened his own periodontal surgery center which he named:
"Acci-Dental Surgery Center"

I had my appendix removed a few years ago... I hope I never need surgery again. If I do, how will the surgeon be able to find anything in my body?

Watching Amy Schumer is a lot like watching surgery. Watching Amy Schumers Comedy is a lot like watching surgery videos on Youtube.
It's unsettling, it's gross and it doesn't make you laugh once.

[OC] If you ever feel like you need drugs during dental surgery... ...just say NO.

Got laser eye surgery last month Still can't fire lasers out of my eyes. Am I doing it wrong? Should I get a refund?

My mate just told me he needs major surgery: he's having half his intestine removed. Edit: Grammar should have used a semi-colon

I had botched eye surgery recently and now I can't stop making puns... My jokes are cornea than ever

What’s the most common operation in a LEGO hospital? Plastic surgery.

My mother always told me: "If you want a job done well, do it yourself" That theory didn't pan out too well with my last surgery.

How Much Did The Leper's Surgery Cost? I don't know, but he told me it cost an arm and a leg.

I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems

If you cross your fingers after surgery, you'll heal faster. Or maybe that's just super stitchin'.

There's a new cosmetic surgery that makes you look like an Eskimo. You might wanna look Inuit.

I watched this documentary about retina surgery.. It was eye opening.

Remember ladies, if life gives you lemons... A simple surgery can give you melons.

I gave someone debt money for plastic surgery And now I don't recognize him

RIP Bill Paxton The only guy to be killed by a predator, a terminator, an alien, and a botched heart surgery.

What do you have to do before getting plastic surgery. You have to pick your nose.

What do you call a female to male surgery? addadicktome

I almost had to go the hospital today because a stranger threw a can of Pepsi at me... I'm just glad it was a soft drink. Otherwise, I would have had to get surgery.

I snapped my fingers to get a waiter's attention. Pretty stupid really, now I need surgery.

Melania Trump had just undergone facial botox surgery when an extremely venomous snake bit her eyebrow. Sadly, no living thing has ever survived this creature's toxin. The snake died moments later.

What type of surgery would a diamond get if it didn't want to leave a big scar? Mineral-ly invasive.

I had surgery to change myself from Asian to Caucasian. It was a real eye opening experience

I just got the strangest offer from my boss, today. He'll give me 50% of the company, but only if I get the surgery to become a woman. It was a trans-specific partnership.

The doctor told me I would need surgery on my hand. I asked him if I'd be able to play the banjo after the surgery, and he said "Absolutely."

Well this sure was a lot quicker than taking Banjo lessons!

I went to the opthalmologist for surgery and he messed it up I was so upset I couldn't even look at him!