Hilarious Telling Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Telling Jokes

"You're telling me that I'm losing my job because Donald Trump won the election? WHY, BECAUSE I'M BLACK?!" "Mister President, we've been over this..."

Score: 27597

My girlfriend kept telling me to treat her like a princess. So I made her marry an old guy she's never met to secure an alliance with the French.

Score: 15722

One day when I was young...... I watched my father grill burgers. When they were done, he handed me one, telling me it was a Bison burger. He then left.....never came back......I know he may not have been dedicated to his family, but he was dedicated to his jokes.

Score: 10061

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

Score: 9475

Score: 7636

I joined ISIS to help my self esteem issues. Everyone kept telling me “You’re the bomb.”

Score: 7020

My friend is really optimistic and is always telling me : "Cheer up, you could be in a deep hole filled with water..." I know he means well...

Score: 4322

I received a call from the school telling me my son is constantly lying. I said "Tell him he's a good liar. I don't have a son."

Score: 4271

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female… If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

Score: 2470

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings: 1. Murderer 2. Police telling me everyone is dead 3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

Score: 2154

My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed. Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.

Score: 1983

I tell it in the wrong order. Why am i bad at telling jokes?

Score: 1812

I'm Black. So I can't be racist. But these suckers keep telling me that I am. "Jake, you can't call yourself Black just because you went to jail once. That is racist"

Score: 1617

(Nerdy joke) Two chicks walk into a bar... Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?" The other says,"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day."

Score: 1331

I got a call from my ex crying and telling me she was HIV+ The hardest part is always having to act surprised.

Score: 1297

My Ex-Girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I was terrible in bed. Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.

Score: 1169

I used to be good at telling jokes But now I always seem to punch up the fuckline.

Score: 1113

My friends keep telling me to stop impersonating butter. But I can't. I'm on a roll now

Score: 902

A man noted for telling puns was locked into a dark closet, and told he would not be released until he made up a pun about the situation. He immediately shouted, "Oh, pun the door"

Score: 657

I may be bad at telling jokes, but... I am amazing at clickbait.

Score: 634

I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.

Score: 600

I'm tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment I did it once and killed a cyclist.

Score: 565

I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"... Stupid firefighters.

Score: 563

The illegals protesting with Mexican flags, shouting "Trump is not my President" are telling the truth. Their president is Enrique Peña Nieto.

Score: 526

There's a way of telling if an orange is male or female... If it squirts you in your eye without warning, it's a male.

If it's bitter for no apparent reason, it's a female.

Score: 510

My girlfriend was telling me all about the gender wage gap... It was really informative. I thanked her for her 1.56 cents.

Score: 452

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days... My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse , I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water.

I know he means well.

Score: 384

I have been telling everyone I know about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

Score: 380

Boy: Grandpa! Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog! Grandpa: Why would I do that?
Boy: I heard mum telling dad, "We'll move to a bigger house once your father croaks."

Score: 379

I tried to embarass my wife by telling all of my friends that she's not good in bed. Everyone disagreed with me.

Score: 240

My wife said,"I'm leaving you as you keep telling everyone you're a Transformer." I said,"please don't,I can change."

Score: 227

I called my Sergeant this morning and said, "I'm not coming into work today." "Why not?" he asked.

I said, "My wife is throwing up in bed and she hasn't ironed my uniform."

"That's no excuse!" he shouted.

I said, "I know, but try telling her that..."

Score: 218

I remember my mother telling me, “I have no favorite child.” Harsh seeing as I’m an only child.

Score: 184

I don't like telling jokes about Muslims. A lot of them have a very short fuse.

Score: 154

A kid and a clown are walking through the woods. The kid looks around and says, "man these woods sure are scary"

The clown replies, "you're telling me I have to walk out of here alone."

Score: 149

Why is Bruce Lee so good at telling jokes? Because if his punch line doesn't work, you still get a kick out of it.

Score: 117

My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse, I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water. I know he means well.

Score: 96

There are TWO kinds of people in this world: People who are good at math, people who are good at telling jokes, and people who aren't good at either.

Score: 62

A woman was telling her friend , "I helped my husband become a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?"

"A billionaire."

Score: 58

Breaking up is like physics ... She keeps saying that I have no energy.

I keep telling her that I have potential.

Score: 55

New Telling Jokes

I recently saved my town from an invasion of monsters and demons by fighting them off with my trusty baseball bat My neighbours are furious and keep telling me that I ruined halloween

Score: 13

I hate when people say “I’m not racist! I have black friends!” It’s truly one of the most vile things a white person can say. If i had black friends I wouldn’t be telling ANYBODY.

Score: 11

Mother receives a telephone call from school telling her they are sending home her son for peeing in the swimming pool. "But everyone does that," she says.
"Not from the top diving board, they don't."

Score: 25

The furniture store keep calling me and trying to get me to go back. I keep telling them, all I wanted was one night stand.

Score: 10

Please stand for the telling of the official St Patrick’s Day joke.... What’s Irish and sits on the porch?

Patty O’Furniture

That concludes the telling of the official St Patrick’s Day joke.
Thank you citizens you may continue with your lives...

Score: 23

My grandfather knew before the titanic sank that it was going to happen. He kept yelling and telling peope over and over but no one listened. They then threw him out of the theater, he’s not allowed back.

Score: 24

The weirdest part about my colonoscopy was the doctor telling me that I’d feel a bit of pressure, but both of his hands were on my shoulders.

Score: 12

A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire".

Score: 21

I was really excited one year when I got the contract to install the cordons around the Olympic Village. but my wife keeps telling me I should stop telling people that I used to be an Olympic fencer.

Score: 6

My friend was telling me about how his Swedish car was totaled in an accident I told him to spare me his Saab story.

Score: 28

I was thinking of telling you my best pizza joke... But it's way too cheesy.

Score: 14

I've got a really bad habit. It's telling people my flaws.

Score: 5

Woman: I need a couple balloons of Eminem for my sons birthday, it's in an hour. Worker: so you're telling me... I only got one shot?

Score: 5

I once met a rock it was nice. Although he kept telling me he was Gneiss

Score: 9

I always seem to be telling jokes at the most inappropriate moments. For years I've been attempting to suppress my gag reflex.

Score: 7

A vegan and crossfitter walks into a bar. I only know this because they started telling everyone within minutes of arriving.

Score: 9

Maria, they just wanted to see your panties Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, "Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!" Maria replied, "See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!"

Score: 5

The other day my friend was telling me that I didn't understand what irony meant. Which is ironic, because we were standing at a bus stop.

Score: 13

I've been telling him too many dad jokes apparently. Wife: I was feeling sad because the sun went away.

10-year old boy: I'm right here!

Score: 11

A Hungarian cockroach was telling terrible jokes at an open mic night. What do you do? Budapest

Score: 33

My dad died yesterday when no one remembered his blood type. He kept telling us to 'be positive' but it's hard without him.

Score: 36

the trickiest part about telling an abortion joke is the delivery

Score: 7

The police came to my door the other day telling me there had been a complaint made, that my dog chased a man on his bike "sorry officer" I said "my dog doesn't have a bike"

Score: 9

In Soviet Russia there are only two Tv channels. Channel one is propaganda. Channel two is KGB agent telling you to go back to channel one.

Score: 6

Why are there no female suicide bombers? Good luck convincing a girl by telling her if she do it, she will meet 70 virgins in heaven.

Score: 36

I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke. It was my manager's fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.

Score: 24

If you hear a supernatural voice in your head telling you to destroy statues of the Ten Commandments, you might be mentally ill. But if the voice tells you to create them instead, you might be Moses.

Score: 19

The brain is the most important organ in the body... But look who's telling me that

Score: 33

I'm a big fan of self-depricating jokes Not very good at telling them though

Score: 10

My wife's super hot friend was telling me she was having trouble getting pregnant "I wish I could help" was probably not the appropriate response

Score: 8

Ex-girlfriends don't understand physics .... She kept saying that I had no energy, and never did anything.

I kept telling her I had so much potential.

Score: 20

Telling dad jokes will get you... ..father in life.

Score: 5

Always hated how at weddings the old family farts would cuckle and say "It's your turn next time.." So I started telling them the same at funerals

Score: 14

What do you call a goose in a tuxedo telling the news? Media Proper Gander

Score: 7

I've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to shower, comb my hair & brush my teeth. I think they may be trying to groom me.

Score: 9

My wife was feeling down... So i pulled a piece of pasta from my pocket, handed it to her, and asked "penne for your thoughts?" Now I'm divorced and without a home for telling a fusili pasta jokes.

Score: 13

Warnings about motorcycles Every time people find out I drive a motorcycle they always freak out and tell me about sometime someone they know got in an accident.

I don't get it.

I don't go around telling pregnant women that my dad left

Score: 22

My barber was telling me about how he was going to disinherit his son... Yeah, it was quite the heir cut.

Score: 6

Trumps election win is like his erection He keeps on telling us that it was large, magnificent, and very hard. But we all know it was small, pathetic, and needed a little assistance to happen.

Score: 10

My mom yelled at me for telling a black joke. I guess it was too dark for her.

Score: 37

I was telling my wife about how diabetes runs in my family. She told me, "Don't be silly, nobody runs in your family."

Score: 22

Telling a dark joke is like saying "I love you" Some people haven't heard it before.

Score: 9

Are sociopaths good at telling jokes? No.

Score: 19

"Gymnasium" in ancient Greek means "naked exercise"… …but try telling that to the receptionist at the health club…

Score: 15

I'm not sure what the best response to my wife telling me "we're having quadruplets" is.... But apparently "How many of them should we abort?" wasn't it.

Women.

(Joke credit to me)

I'll take a curtsy and show myself out.

Score: 38

I treat children the same way I treat adults but some parents don't seem to like that. Apparently they don't appreciate me telling their kids to blow me.

Score: 8

All my friends keep telling me "Get Out" is a must-see. I don't know, though.... I've never really been a fan of black comedy.

Score: 7

One advantage of telling a joke to a person who was born deaf is that no matter how old your joke is... ...you can be sure they never heard it before

Score: 6

I'm sick of people telling me that I'm more likely to get mugged in London than New York. What do they expect? I don't live in New York.

Score: 6

What is the hardest part about your wife telling you she has AIDS? Acting surprised.

Score: 7

Thank you for telling the definition of "many" to me. It means a lot.

Score: 5

A man asks his friend to stop telling animal puns. His friend says "Sorry, it's a bad rabbit I have."

Score: 8

For Halloween, our daughter is dressing up as joke telling jack-o'-lantern. She's our little pun-kin.

Score: 19

Thank you for telling me the definition of "many". It means alot.

Score: 13

My buddies and I were running a train on this German girl I had to keep telling her there were only 8 of us.

Score: 14

Joke of The Day A new Student came to the class. After telling the rest of the Children his name, the teacher asked, "what does your Father do"?
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Student :" Whatever Mom Says"

Score: 8

Lately I've started telling tree jokes. I think it's time to branch out.

Score: 11

The problem with telling lawyer jokes is Lawyers don't think they're funny, and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.

Score: 36

I keep telling my Grandma that she needs hearing aids... ...but she just won't listen.

Score: 7

I don't like telling clever jokes about airplanes. They just go over my head.

Score: 28