Contents
Contents
If i had a dime for every time i didn't understand what's going on. I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
Virginity in school
Son to mother: "Mom, all the kids in the schools are making fun of me because I am still a virgin."
Mother: "Well, start giving them bad grades and they will stop."
My Chinese waiter thinks all white people look alike and gave my food to the wrong customer Wait. Never mind. That wasn't my waiter.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being too good in bed... After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
TIL that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute... On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself... maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
My wife is turning 32 soon...
I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked.
I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”
eBay is so useless I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,061 matches
Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up! Doctor: Wow! That's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen.
The UK Prime Minister just announced her resignation. This is not surprising. It is the end of May, after all.
Maybe if we all emailed the Constitution to each other… …the NSA will finally read it.
My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died. Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.
Harry Potter has way too many characters... Even J.K. Rolling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
Did you hear about the drummer who gave all his daughters the same name?
Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
Anna 4
My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends...
So I told her she was the only one I had been with!
The others were all eights and nines.
My wife found out i was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding... She got so mad and said she’s never gonna play scrabble with me ever again
One day, Canada will become a superpower and take over the whole world Then you'll all be sorry
An old Ukrainian is cleaning his hunting rifle one day when his grandson runs in
"Grandfather, the radio says that the Russians have gone into space!"
"All of them?" he asks, putting down his rifle.
"No, only one."
He starts cleaning the rifle again.
If We're Going to Arm the Teachers All I ask is that the librarians get silencers
My boss said, “Why are all the women in your office crying?”
I said, “You told me to bang some heads together.”
He said, “Talk about taking things too literally!”
So I went away and gave a two hour lecture on taking things too literally.
I once stayed up all night trying figure out where the sun went Then it dawned on me
I learned yesterday that a school of piranhas can strip all the flesh off of a child's body in less than a minute... On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium...
My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot. Whether they like it or not.
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them? Because they don't have access to black magic.
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.
I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".
I've realized that suicide would solve all my problems.... ...if I could just get the right people to try it.
As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me
I'm tired of all these forced gender neutral terms The girl I'm going out with insist on calling me just friend instead of boyfriend
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility If only they could see me now!
I just got home from a friends funeral, he drowned last week... I was surprised that all the relatives were furious about my floral arrangement that was in the shape of a life jacket. But as I told everyone, "It's what he would have wanted".
My buddy just came to me all depressed and said “My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.” So I said “well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."
I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Why are all Jewish men circumcised? Because Jewish women won't touch anything that's not 10% off
What's the difference between USA and USB? One connects to all your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.
Its funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my brother sleeps on his back, my ex sleeps with everybody...that sorta thing.
UPDATE: United Airlines now offering a new addition to their inflight meals
chinese takeout
EDIT: if i see one more comment that says "knuckle sandwich" i will kidnap all of you and put you on flight 3411
I thought a vasectomy wouldn't get my wife pregnant.. Turns out, all it does is just change the color of the baby.
All these people getting emails from the Prince of Nigeria, I got one from an Egyptian Pharaoh... But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme.
My girlfriend is turning 32 soon...
I told her not to get her hopes up.
"After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."
When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."
A fat man was standing in front of a kindergarten
One of the teachers comes and asks him:
"Are you expecting a child?"
"No. I am a bit fat that's all"
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was arrested on suspicion that i was too good in bed After 2 mins all charges were dropped due to the lack of evidence.
Welcome to Masturbators Anonymous. I'm disappointed that you all came today.
I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS... THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS...
There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join But enough about the church...
I was talking to a girl in a bar last night
She said, "If you lost a few kgs, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
Why are redneck murders so hard to solve? Because there are no dental records and their DNA is all the same.
My friend has been a limo driver for 20 years and has never had a customer. All this time and nothing to Chauffeur it.
Who would win if the American President debated the British Prime Minister? After all, Trump may trump May, or May may trump Trump
I just found out my best friend is a communist. To be honest, I should have known. All the red flags were there.
My girlfriend dumped me today saying I was too childish But today is opposite day so it's all good
What's the difference between the lost city of Atlantis and Florida?
About 3 days
In all honesty though, my thoughts and good wishes go out to the people of Florida,
Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement. In the end, you ignore it all and click “I agree”.
Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet? Because all the other letters are Not-Cs.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and a Northern Irishman walk into a bar The Englishman wants to leave, so they all have to.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius... ... but his brother Frank was a monster
The eclipse did two things our political leaders cannot. It slowed global warming and gave us all something to look up to
Making jokes about Trump taking us to war is all fun and games until You realize you're a healthy young man
My son is so ungrateful. I bought him a trampoline for his birthday.. ..And all he wanted to do was sit in his wheelchair and cry.
I COMPLETELY disagree with Trump's military trans ban... I mean, wouldn't all those attack helicopters be useful??
What do me and Donald Trump have in common?
We'd both date his daughter if she wasn't his daughter.
Edit: Okay, this made it to the front page of the sub. I didn't expect this to be my top post of all time, thanks a lot /r/jokes
I gave away all my dead batteries today.. free of charge.
My Ex-Girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I was terrible in bed. Imagine her surprise when they all disagreed.
When do you start on red and stop on green?
When you're eating a watermelon!
Edit: wow, this is my highest rated post. Finally broke the 1000 karma barrier thank you all
We all know that six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine, but why did seven eat nine? Because you're supposed to eat three squared meals per day.
I should have known my friend was a communist. All the red flags were there.
If the number 666 is considered evil... does that mean that 25.8069758011 is the root of all evil?
Why can't you hear pterodactyls go to the bathroom? Because they're all dead.
I'm not passive aggressive
Unlike *some* people
Edit: thank you kindly for all the upvotes!
Why don't you want to play Uno with Donald Trump? He takes away all the green cards.
A guy in a plane stood up and shouted, “HIJACK!”
All passengers got scared.
From the other end of the plane, a guy shouted back, “HI JOHN!”
Two toothpicks are hanging out in a forest,
... when all of a sudden they see a hedgehog passing by. So, one of them shrugs and goes like, "Hm, I didn't even know they had public transportation here."
[my gf's fav joke, literal translation from German]
I'm not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you... I feel fine and I just had a really tasty leg of salmon...
I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
"No" she sobbed
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage
My girlfriend asked me to name...
My girlfriend asked me to name all the women I've slept with.
I probably should've stopped when I got to her.
Two days into my diet I removed all the junk food from my house.... .....and it was delicious
Whats the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?
An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!"
A professional thief says, "Sign here please.."
The First Rule of Fight Club...
... Is to not talk about fight club.
The second rule of fight club...
Please keep your seat belt on at all times when the light is on.
One day Canada will rule the world Then you'll all be sorry
Why was Six afraid of Seven? Because Seven ate nine grams of bath salts and then killed all of the other numbers.
Politicians are like sperm
only 1 in a million turn out to be human
Edit: To all the chaps saying that this is stolen from better call saul, what is that show? Who is saul?
Dad: I gave all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why did you do that dad?
Dad: So you won't get bored there.
Edit: Holy Moley guys! Thanks for getting me on first page! Much love and I promise I'll bring you more good jokes ;)
Conspiracy theories are a lot like moon landings. They're all fake
In 2020 we're going to have an entire year of bad puns about vision... I can't wait to see them all.
I tried to look up lighters in Amazon. All they had was 13,749 matches.
My ex-girlfriend says she has a stalker. I have to say I'm surprised. In all the time I've spent hanging around her house, hiding in the bushes, watching her come and go...I've never seen any signs of a stalker.
How many animals can jump higher than a skyscraper? All of them, skyscrapers can't jump.
I bought a thesaurus at a store today. Brought it home to find all the pages were blank... I have no words to describe how angry I am
I just poured my root beer into a square cup. Now all I have is beer...
With all the bad luck that the US has seen this year...
You'd almost think this country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Why haven't I ever met a full blooded Jew? All the ones I have met have been Jew-ish
A politician is walking down the street when he is suddenly attacked. The assailant says "give me all your money." The politician says "do you know who I am? I'm an important government official." The mugger says, "fine, give me all my money."
My friend drowned. So at his funeral...
...we took a cake shaped like a life raft.
After all...It's what he would have wanted.
Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going so well.. All of a sudden chicks in my area are no longer interested in me.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar...
The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.
Why are redneck murders so hard to solve? There's no dental records and all the DNA matches
Why doesn't George R. R. Martin use Twitter? He killed all 140 characters.
A wife asks her husband "Honey, how many women have you slept with?" The husband replies, "Only you sweetie. I was awake for all the other ones "
What's the difference between USA and USB? One connects to all your devices & accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard
In Pokemon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types. But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.
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