Hilarious Arm Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Arm Jokes

Score: 13129

I was sexually active at 12 It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me.

Score: 11345

What has 4 legs and 1 arm? A Pitbull coming from the childrens play ground

Score: 829

Did you hear what happened to the guy whose left arm and left leg got chopped off? He's dead.

Score: 469

I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store. I told him "you're not going to find what you're looking for."

Score: 449

I told my doctor that I recently broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Score: 411

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places He told me to stop going to those places

Score: 379

If you cut off your left arm Your right arm will be left

Score: 330

Superman once arm wrestled Chuck Norris Loser had to wear their underwear outside their pants.

Score: 322

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed them. The first lady had a stroke, the second lady had a stroke, but the third lady's arm was too short to reach.

Score: 311

What do you call an Italian with a broken arm? Speech impaired.

Score: 250

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and asks for a beer The bartender nods,
"and how about one for the road?"

Score: 235

What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a banjo player? A tattoo.

Score: 219

I got a strange note in my bag at the Taco Bell drive-thru last night... The lady seemed very frazzled and the note said "help there are two armed men inside."

I drove off laughing, thinking "well yeah it would take forever to make tacos with one arm"

Score: 211

If you watch 127 Hours backwards It's the uplifting story of an amputee finding an arm in the desert.

Score: 202

Vader has a pretty sweet suit. It must have cost at least an arm and a leg.

Score: 172

Doctor, doctor I broke my arm in two places. Doctor: Stop going to those places.

Score: 163

I've got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing Serves him right

Score: 151

What do you call a pretty lady on the arm of a drummer? A Tattoo.

Score: 150

Did you know, if you cut off your left arm, your right arm would be left.

Score: 150

I told my doctor I broke my arm in 2 places today He told me not to go back to those places

Score: 147

What is brown and has got four legs and an arm? A Rottweiler on a children's playground.

Score: 132

Three nuns are sitting on a bench when a naked guy walks past The first nun has a stroke, the second nun has a stroke, but the third nuns arm is just too short to reach

Score: 114

Did you hear about the man who flashed three old ladies sitting on a bench in the park? First old lady had a stroke. Second old lady had a stroke. Third old lady's arm was too short to reach.

Score: 109

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places... ...My doctor told me to stay away from those places.

Score: 105

How much does a red lightsaber cost? An arm and a leg

^^edit: ^^slightly ^^improved ^^punchline

Score: 103

What does an Italian have when he is missing one arm? A severe speech impediment.

Score: 103

I told my doctor that i broke my arm in two places He told me to stop going to those places

Score: 93

What do you do if you break your arm in two places? Don't go back to those two places.

Score: 91

I've broken my arm in 3 places. I've decided to stop going to those places.

Score: 85

Guy with a lisp turns up to a dinner party carrying a selection of cheeses and a couple of ducks under his arm The host says, "thanks for bringing the cheese, but why the ducks?"

The guest replies, "can't have cheese without cwackers"

Score: 30

If a arm covered in tattoos is called a "sleeve", what do you call a full body covered in tattoos? A mistake.

Score: 29

How do you know the US isn't going to attack North Korea? They didn't arm them first.

Score: 28

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. He goes to the bartender and ask
"I'll take a beer ! And another one for the road !"

Score: 26

What is yellow, has one arm and can't swim? - an excavator

Do you think that's funny?
Well, the excavator operator doesn't

Score: 18

Why did the French give USA the Statue of Liberty? Because they have no use for a statue with only one arm up.

Score: 17

People with only one arm... Am I right?

Score: 16

A guy walks into a bar... ...with a slab of asphalt under his arm. He says to the bartender "I'll take a drink, and one for the road."

Score: 14

I've never actually seen two women scissoring But I bet you it sounds like an arm pit farting contest

Score: 12

A little boy walks into the living room and catches his dad jerking off... Kid yells "ewww!"

Dad says "oh whatever, you'll be doing this soon yourself."

"No I won't!" yells back the kid.

"Oh yes you will, my arm is getting tired."

Score: 11

New Arm Jokes

Accidentally swiped my donor card instead of my debit card today... my groceries ended up costing me an arm and a leg

Score: 3

I had a terrible labor day weekend. My wife was in a horrible car crash and lost her left leg and left arm. She's all right now.

Score: 3

Whenever I fall short on my steps for the day with my Fitbit I switch it to my dominate arm And end up beating the goal.

Score: 3

After I broke my arm, my buddy wrote down all my missed homework assignments on my elbow cast. It really classed up the joint.

Score: 4

What did the cow say to the blind farmer with only one arm? Moo

Score: 5

I wanted a tatoo of a dorito between my neck and arm but I decided against it, as it would only have been a chip on my shoulder

Score: 4

Man I love jerking off with a dead arm. It feels so good! At least it did, until everybody said I was "ruining the funeral"

Score: 6

3 old women were walking in the park... When a man jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.
The first woman had a stroke,
the second women had a stroke,
but the third woman's arm was too short to reach.

Score: 7

Trying out new Arm-the-Teachers laws, a Texas teacher recently shot a student in the eye. In the teacher's defense, it was a bad pupil.

Score: 4

A man's son walks in on him masterbaiting The son says "dad what are you doing?!". The dad replies, "don't worry you'll be doing it soon enough". The son asks "what do you mean?" And the dad replies; "well, my arm is getting tired".

Score: 3

My 10 year old brother made a joke about my broken arm. I found it very humerus.

Score: 10

My girlfriend is really attached to me She's basically my right arm

Score: 5

What did the seal with the broken arm say to the shark. “Do not consume if seal is broken”

Score: 10

Chuck Norris and Superman arm wrestled... Loser had to wear his underwear over his pants till the rest of his life.

Score: 5

What has 8 legs, 8 arm, and 8 eyes? 8 Pirates.

Score: 8

Jack the ripper walks into a Bar... and orders Isabella's Islay scotch. Bartender warns "It will cost you an arm and a leg".

Jack the ripper's reply:"its a deal"

Score: 5

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm. He looks at the bartender and says, "A pint for me, and one for the road."

Score: 3

My pharmacist recently lost his arm. Now I call him my "phacist".

Score: 5

The police were tracking down a serial killer. The police were tracking down a serial killer who would dismember his victims and sell their body parts. He was caught after trying to sell three feet at a yard sale. The bail cost him an arm and a leg.

Score: 7

I had a very expensive amputation. It cost me an arm and a leg.

Score: 3

A man gets into an accident with his new Ferrari. Police arrive at the scene.
"Officer! My brand new car!" the man cries.
"You're so materialistic, you haven't even noticed your left arm has been cut off."
The man looks then yells "OMG! My Rolex watch!"

Score: 6

I had some bumps on my arm and was going to get it amputated. The doctor thought it was a little rash.

Score: 3

If you cut off your left arm... ... then your right hand will be left.

Score: 5

What skill requires 90 percent arm strength and 10 percent groan noises Tennis

Score: 4

An old lady was smoking and pumping gas... Next thing I know, she's running around the parking lot, screaming, with her arm on fire. The cops showed up and arrested her for waving a firearm in public.

Score: 4

No matter how hard I try, I always seem to be going round in circles. Having a broken arm while in a wheelchair isn’t ideal.

Score: 6

Why did the gangster shoot the man with one arm? Because he was a crip

Score: 3

I saw someone have their arm broken after telling a bad joke... It was humerus.

Score: 3

I know how to lose over 20 lbs instantly but it costs an arm and a leg

Score: 5

Wedding problems... Every time I go to weddings the older folks poke me in the arm and whisper "that is gonna be you! That is gonna be you!"

So now when I go to funerals I poke them in the arm and say "that is gonna be you!"

Score: 7

A diabetic friend I was talking to my diabetic friend the other day. He said, "this new high sugar diet I'm on is great! I lost 30 pounds already. Cost me an arm and a leg though..."

Score: 9

Today I Saw A Living Tea Cup. But it was missing an arm, so I asked "what happened to your arm?"

He reply with "I had to get surgery to remove it."

"Oh"

"So I guess your an amputea?"

Score: 3

A mosquito landed on Vladimir Putin's arm the other day... It was later found to have swatted itself in the back of the head.

Score: 3

I saw a chap dashing though town with what looked like a dolphin tucked under his arm. I thought to myself, "now there's a guy with a porpoise".

Score: 3

I know a guy that ate his own arm. He's so full of himself.

Score: 9

On the train today, the guy next to me starts jerking off, and says he's going to blow his load all over my left arm I said, "Sorry buddy, not on MY watch."

Score: 6

When did Pinocchio realized that he is made from wood? When his right arm caught on fire...

Score: 3

I'd love to you a joke about Edward Elric... but it will cost an arm and a leg.

Score: 7

It must suck to have one arm Until you get arrested

Score: 3

What's the difference between a white power arm solute vs a black power fist raise? Paper always beats rock!

Score: 3

Prosthetics are so expensive... They cost me an arm and a leg

Score: 2

What kind of toothpaste does Thor use? Arm and Hammer.

Score: 5

In America you bear arms. In Russian you arm bears.

Score: 3

What do you say to a nerd that broke their arm? Wow, ***algebraic*** it?

Score: 2

I was looking for the head of a dinosaur but... it was a fossil arm

Score: 3

Lepers are the kindest human beings You ask them for a hand, they'll give you the whole arm...

Score: 3

Why can't the Dalai Lama face left arm wrist spin? He's got a problem with Chinamen.....

Score: 2

How do you make a guy with one arm fall out of a tree? Wave

Score: 8

Friend of mine lost his left arm in an accident a few days ago... He's all right now, though!

Score: 7

My brother lost both his left arm and leg in a car crash.. He's all right now.

Score: 11

How did Helen Keller lose her right arm? She was trying to read the speed limit sign on the highway.

Score: 6

A doctor helped me lose 20 kg in a few hours but it was really expensive Cost me an arm and a leg.

Score: 6

how do you kill a blonde with only one arm that climbed a lamppost? You wave to her.

Score: 2

Did you hear about the goblin whose left arm and left leg cut off? Guess what he's alright now!

Score: 2

[Request] Jokes or puns about a broken arm. Friend broke his arm and I'm trying to cheer him up, can be insulting if you want.

Score: 2

An Iraqi official calls all of his 8 Saddam's doubles... He says, i have good news, and bad news. The good is that Saddam is alive, the bad is that he lost an arm.

Score: 8

I want to open a Reserve to breed, arm and train West Lowland Gorillas to fight Jihadists. I'm going to call it Boko Harambe

Score: 10

A list as long as my arm.. I have a list as long as my arm of why I wish my mother never took thalidomide

Score: 7

A Chemist with a broken arm fell in some lava His splint went up in flames

Score: 2

A guys wife is in the kitchen making a sandwich when he walks in with a duck under his arm

Score: 4