Hilarious Bag Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Bag Jokes

Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton! "

P. S. thanks for the 4 people who sort by new. appreciate it.

Score: 18591

A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen. Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.

It was a brief case.

Score: 18443

A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied, "Thanks for the Baghdad"

Score: 17454

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team? A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

Score: 12000

I bought a box of condoms earlier today The cashier asked if I'd like a bag. I said nah, I'll just turn the lights off.

Score: 9390

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1000 dollars. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, two large sodas and a pack of Skittles.

Score: 8010

A teacher says to her class "whoever answers my next question can go home." One boy at the back of the class throws his bag out the window.

"Who just threw that? Demands the teacher.

"Me" replied the boy. "And I'm going home."

Score: 4668

Dating a stripper is like eating a bag of chips in class. Everyone looks at you in disgust. But deep down they want some too

Score: 2275

Teacher: "Whoever answers my next question can go home." *Boy throws bag at teacher* Teacher: "Who threw that!?" Boy: "Me! I'm going home!

Score: 2019

Two blondes meet at a busy chicken market A: If I can guess how many chickens you have in that bag, can I have one?

B: You can have both

A: Three

Score: 908

School joke Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?!
Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

Score: 853

I went to the store to buy condoms last night. The cashier asked, "Do you want a bag?"

I replied, "No, she's not that ugly."

Score: 851

Whoever answers my next question, can go home. Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home.

\*One boy throws his bag out the window.\*

Teacher: Who just threw that?

Boy: Me and I’m going home now.

Score: 793

Teacher asks a question Teacher: "whoever answers my next question can go home"

Jimmy throws his bag out the window

Teacher: "who just threw that?"

Jimmy: "that was me"

Score: 648

Score: 591

A local movie theatre was robbed of $600 worth of merchandise The suspects stole 3 medium popcorns, 1 bag of skittles and 4 small diet cokes.

Score: 485

The cashier scanned my condoms then asked if I needed a bag. I said, "Naw, she isn't *that* ugly."

Score: 421

A man went to the register with only a box of condoms. The cashier asked 'Sir, do you want a bag?'

He replied 'No thanks, she's not that ugly'

Score: 320

Last night a movie theater was robbed of $1000 dollars. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal and a pack of skittles.

Score: 296

I filed a police report about my missing bag yesterday and a few hours later, the cops called to say that they found it. It was a brief case.

Score: 288

I actually heard a joke the other day about an alternate ending to the movie Hook where Captain Hook wins the duel and sends Peter back to London in a body bag. It's a good joke, if a little dark, but it does require a dead Pan delivery.

Score: 278

I haven’t worked out since... I haven’t worked out since that one time I tried to reach for a bag of chips at the foot of the bed and did a sit-up by mistake.

That wasn't the joke. The joke is my life.

Score: 253

Me: How do you get an elephant into a SafeWay bag? Friend: I don't know how do you.

Me: You take the S out of safe and the f out of way.

Friend: Wait, there's no f in way.

Me: Exactly

Score: 220

I got a strange note in my bag at the Taco Bell drive-thru last night... The lady seemed very frazzled and the note said "help there are two armed men inside."

I drove off laughing, thinking "well yeah it would take forever to make tacos with one arm"

Score: 211

Why is it good being an orphan Every bag of chips is family sized

Score: 196

While buying condoms the cashier asked, "Do you need a bag?" I said, "Nah, he isn't *that* ugly."

Score: 189

A box of condoms, please. That’ll be 3,99. Do you want a bag with it?

Nah I’m OK. She’s actually quite pretty.

Score: 176

My dad taught me to swim by rowing me to the middle of a lake and tossing me overboard... It was pretty easy once I got out of the bag!

Score: 169

My wife gave me a bag of our children's old clothes And asked me donate them to kids that don't have any.
So I went around town asking people where I can find kids without any clothes and for some reason I ended up detained...

Score: 166

Teacher: Whoever answers my next question, can go home One boy throws his bag out the window.

Teacher: Who just threw that?

Boy: Me and I’m going home now.

Score: 163

I went to the store to buy condoms. The cashier asked, “Do you want a bag?”

“No. She’s not that ugly.”

Score: 160

How do you watch NASCAR without a TV? You flush a bag of M&M's down the toilet.

Score: 154

My neighbor came pounding on my front door at 2am last night lucky for him, I was up practicing my bag pipes.

Score: 122

My local cinema was robbed last night of £754. The thieves took a bag of maltesers, a pick n mix and a large drink...

Score: 97

A Rastaman with a bag full of marijuana walks into a bank... and hands it to a cashier. The angry cashier asks 'Sir, what is this...?' The rasta replies "Wa yah ask foolish question, mi come to open a joint account!!"

Score: 83

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? As soon as you open it, you realise it’s half empty.

Score: 78

most clever student Teacher: Who answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Boy: Me and I’m going home now.

Score: 66

A crocodile and a dog meet. The croc looks at the dog with disdain and says: "Hey, flea bag!"

The dog looks back at the croc and says: "Hey, hand bag!"

Score: 44

Agent: "Welcome to Delta, can I help you?" Passenger: "Hi, I'm going to Boston. I'd like this bag sent to Miami, and this one to Atlanta."

Agent: "I'm sorry, but we can't do that sir."

Passenger: "Really? Because you did it last week..."

Credit to /u/SilverbackBob

Score: 37

Dating a stripper is like opening a bag of chips in church eveybody looks at you in disgust but deep inside they all want some.

Score: 34

New Bag Jokes

There are three certainties in life: Death, taxes, and Halloween candy assortments will always include one candy that ruins the bag.

Score: 5

Today, I went to a pharmacy and asked for a box of condoms. The girl serving me asked me if I wanted a bag with it but I said, "No, thanks. She's actually quite pretty."

Score: 4

What's the only difference between a vacuum and a Harley? Where the dirt bag sits.

Score: 4

In the 1990's, you could go into any store with just a dollar and get a soda, a bag of chips, and a candy bar. Now you can't. Why? Because there's cameras everywhere now

Score: 17

I can do an amazing sea turtle impression.... *chokes on a plastic bag*

Score: 10

My doctor got sick so I grabbed his medical bag, but he refused to let me treat him He did not like the taste of his own medicine

Score: 23

A guy enters the pharmacy... Guy: 5 packs of condoms please.

Cashier: Do you need a bag with those?

Guy: Don't worry she's pretty.

Score: 28

A woman bought a bag of terribly grated cheese She regrated it later.

Score: 15

What's the difference between and radical feminist and a trash bag? A trash bag gets taken out once a week

Score: 4

What's the most difficult thing for a woman with a colostomy? Finding shoes to match her bag.

Score: 6

My personal trainer was giving me advice. He said, "You have to have a life outside the gym."

I was so offended that I walked out with my sleeping bag.

Score: 4

My Mom said this to me. Me:*can't open bag of chips*I can't open it!Must be a production error.
Mom:*Opens it with ease*You're a production error..

Score: 30

What do a bag of Lay's potato chips and the Milky Way have in common? They're both mostly empty space.

Score: 8

I bought condoms today and the cashier asked me if I'd like a bag... I said, "Nah. She isn't *that* ugly."

Score: 5

When I was a kid my dad threw me into a lake to teach me how to swim It would have been easier had he not put me in the duffle bag first.

Score: 3

Why did the blonde return the bag of M&M's to the store? Because a quarter of them were W's, and a quarter E's, and a quarter 3's...

Score: 6

A handicapped man stole my bag... You can hide but you cant run

Score: 7

NASCAR Is it possible to watch NASCAR without a TV?

Absolutely, just flush a bag of M&M's down the toilet.

Score: 3

What's the difference between a 4 year old boy and a bag of cocaine? Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.

Score: 11

Buying bread. There's this guy who goes and buys a loaf of bread right? And at the shop the employee asks the guy if he wants a bag or not.
The guy thinks a little while...and then says yes please, baguette.

Score: 3

What do you get when you shake a butthurt hamster up in a bag of cheetos? Donald Trump

Score: 3

What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? Which end the dirt bag is on.

Score: 6

Riddle me this: What's Hot N Red, Best in Bed? A bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos cause I'm alone

Score: 13

I used to think air was free... until I bought a bag of chips

Edit: spelling

Score: 18

A blonde walks into a bank with a 25kg bag of marijuana and hands it over to the cashier... Shocked, the cashier asks..'What's this for?'

The blonde replies..'Me here to open a joint account'

Score: 3

I like showing women my big bag of almonds. It's nice when they compliment my nut sack.

Score: 8

How many cows does it take to make a pleather bag? About faux cows.

Score: 5

A guy walks into a pharmacy and buys a pack of condoms. The cashier asks him if he wants a bag. He responds, "No, she's not that ugly."

Score: 8

A supermarket cashier asked if I want my milk in a bag... I said no, I prefer it staying in the carton.

Score: 6

Q & A Teacher: First one to answer the next question gets to leave early.
(Johnny immediately threw his bag out the window)
Teacher: Who threw that bag?
Johnny: I did! Bye guys!

Score: 12

A woman shouts to her husband "Im having contractions!" Her husband walks over to her and hands her a bag of apostrophes. The woman, relieved, says "thanks, I'm feeling much better now."

Score: 3

I went to weight watchers last night, I opened a bag of maltesers and threw them on the floor Best game of hungry hippos I've ever seen

Score: 24

My dad sat me down and told me I was adopted... "Pack your bag", he said. "They'll be here in thirty minutes."

Score: 19

If you ever get your phone wet, put it in a bag of rice It will attract an Asian, who will then fix it.

Score: 5

How did they come up with the name Canada? They put all the letters in a bag, then drew them one at a time. "Its a C, eh its an N, eh, its a D, eh."

Score: 5

My girlfriend caught me stealing cats the other day. Forced me to let the cat out of the bag.

Score: 5

How do you fit an elephant in to a safeway bag? It's easy! Just take the S out of safe and the F out of way.

Score: 12

Hey, girl, can you turn yourself into a trash bag? ...because I want to take you out. :)

Score: 11

I was on a blind date She said "You're so ugly I'm going to need you to wear a plastic bag over your head".

I said "You mean a paper bag?"

She replied "I don't think you understand how ugly you are."

Score: 3

When I was a teenager, my dad found cigarettes in my room & made me smoke the whole pack. I'm really glad he didn't find my bag of heroin.

Score: 31

Buying condoms I was going over to my girlfriends so I stopped at the drug store to get condoms. I get to the counter and the cashier asks if I need a bag and I responded with nah don't worry about it she isn't that ugly.

Score: 5

Two blondes were walking down the street. "What's in your bag?" One asked the other.

"Ducks," came the reply.

"If I can guess how many ducks you've got, can I have one?" Asked the first blonde.

"If you can guess how many ducks I have in my bag, you can have both of them!"

Score: 5

I poured a bag of yellow vegetables over a dead policeman. Corn on the cop.

Score: 4

What's the difference to my newborn and a bag of meth? I would never purposely drop my bag of meth.

Score: 7

I saw someone robbing a store and went to stop him. He hit me with a bag of golden coins. I guess you could say I had some cents knocked into me.

Score: 6

What's the difference between a bag of coke and a toddler Eric Clapton wouldn't let a bag of coke fall out a window

Score: 7

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

Score: 29

Legend say, Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice... Donald Trump tried to count to 10 and got stuck in a paper bag.

Score: 4

I was buying a 12 pack of condoms earlier. The cashier asked if I'd like a bag, I said "Nah, I'll just turn the lights off".

Score: 12

How do you get a frog out of a paper bag? Ripit

Score: 3

Old Texas cowboy in a pharmacy Cowboy: "Give me three packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah. She ain't that ugly.

Score: 4

shops have changed so much. In my day you could go in with a pound and get a bag of crisp and a magazazine now days they have cameras

Score: 3

What's the difference between a 4 year old and a bag of coke? Eric Clapton would've never let a bag of coke fall out the window

Score: 8

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? As soon as you open it, you realize it's half empty.

Score: 26

What do you call a German who is up themselves? A deutsche-bag

Score: 5

What is the difference between a bag of cocaine and a toddler? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out the window.

Score: 3

what's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a child? Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of a window.

Score: 10

I bought a box of condoms yesterday. The cashier asked if I needed a bag. "Nah," I said. "She's not *that* ugly."

Score: 4

A customer's corn broke through her bag. I told her it was too husky. She stared at me blankly. Something must've been wrong with her ears.

Score: 22

How Is Michael Jackson Different From A Plastic Grocery Bag? Well, one of them is white, made of plastic and dangerous for your kids to play with.

The other one you put groceries in.

Score: 6