Hilarious Big Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Big Jokes

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market? It was a Big Mcsteak

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Two windmills are in a field. One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?"

The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan"

Score: 12298

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Edit: I'm a pirate, so it works in first-person

Score: 11171

I got my kid a puppy as a present, but it died before Christmas... FML, now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

Edit: For those worried about the kid, it's ok. He was an adopted ginger, so no big deal.

Score: 10835

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I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Score: 7563

Why do the guards around Big Ben always look so tired? Because they're working around the clock.

Score: 6398

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?” The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”

Score: 5151

I call my wife Bambi. She thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes.... Actually, it's because I would like someone to shoot her mother with a hunting rifle...

Score: 4276

I was on a blind date with this girl... And I told her, being funny is the second best way to get a girl into bed. She asked "what's the best way?"
I said "a big knife."
She laughed and said "you're funny."
I said "wise choice."

Score: 4004

Everyone keeps making fun of me because I don’t know what the word “apocalypse” means Honestly, I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s not the end of the world.

Score: 2632

Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan"

Score: 2569

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West... ...could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone...

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So two windmills are standing in a field... Two windmills are standing in a field and one asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?"

The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."

Score: 2326

I don't know what the big deal is about Black Friday. All Fridays matter. .

Score: 2217

Why did the Little Mermaid wear seashells? Because Dshells were too big.

Score: 2018

A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks whata ya have there big fella? The bear says " Give me a .........................................................beer." The bartender says" What's with the big pause?" The bear throws his arms up in the air and says " I DON'T KNOW I WAS BORN WITH THEM."

Score: 1888

What's big, black and loaded with aids? A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.

Score: 1882

Tomorrow I am going to open the time capsule I buried as a kid. I can't wait to see how big my puppy got

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A lot of conflict in the Wild West.... ....could have been avoided completely if cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

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I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if architects in those days had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

Score: 1339

I met a pretty girl. Today i asked a pretty young homeless women if i could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when i walked off with her cardboard box.

Score: 1252

How many LGBT supporters does it take to change a lightbulb? The lightbulb is fine the way it is. Society just needs to change the way it looks at it.

Edit: Wow front page. Didn't expect this big a response.

Score: 1207

How do you say goodbye to 20,000 Japanese? With a big wave.

Score: 1147

My wife just told me that in 9 months, I’m in for a big surprise... I can’t wait for Santa to come now!!

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What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One's big and heavy, the other's a little lighter.

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Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? They pushed two twins together to make a king.

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I'm going to this year's Fibonacci convention. It'll be as big as the last two put together.

Score: 975

Why does everyone assume that just because I’m a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent’s basement? My parents don’t have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.

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What's the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland? Well the flag's a big plus.

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As I was approaching my driveway, I saw a big black man running away with a TV in his hands and I wondered if it was mine. Upon entering my house, I was relieved to see that mine was at home polishing my shoes.

Score: 571

What is big, yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children

Score: 487

"Orion's Belt is a big waist of space " Terrible jokes. Only 3 stars

Score: 470

What kind of eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie? That's a Moray.

Score: 432

A bear walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "I'll have a............beer." The bartender responds, "what's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "always had 'em."

Score: 424

A propeller is actually just a big fan to keep the pilot cool... when it stops you can watch the pilot start sweating

Score: 397

I'D LIKE TO GIVE A BIG SHOUT OUT TO LIBRARIANS! oh... sorry...

Score: 388

In New York City, a fisherman reeled in a 250 pound catfish 6 feet 6 inches long. I don't get what the big deal is. I do that on Tinder every day.

Score: 374

Two morons are sitting on a fence. The big one fell off, why didn't the other? He was a little more on.

Score: 319

What is big green and fuzzy and kills you when it falls out of a tree? A pool table

Score: 295

New Big Jokes

What do you call Batman the morning after a big fight? Bruised Wayne

Score: 34

My wife found out I was cheating and broke up with me I didn't know Monopoly was such a big deal for her.

Score: 40

In 1868, Japan moved its seat of government and the location of its Emperor's home from Kyoto to Tokyo. It wasn't a big deal. They merely did some rearrangement and changed the capital.

Score: 38

I Don’t Know Why I Like Switzerland So Much But the flag is a big plus

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We're told men with large feet have large dicks and men with big cars have small dicks You would almost think these stereotypes were conceived by clowns.

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You know the best thing about Switzerland? I don't either, but their flag's a big plus!

Score: 47

Why do ducks have big flat feet? To stomp out forest fires.

Why do elephants have big flat feet?

To stomp out flaming ducks.

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When an eel hits your eye like a big pizza pie.... That’s a moray

Score: 62

My girlfriend said she wanted to try lunges. That's a big step forward.

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I wish I had a home big enough for all the homeless people in my town. They wouldn't be allowed to come there. That's just how big I want my house to be.

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I’d like to give a big shoutout to sidewalks For keeping me off the streets.

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I got a comically small deck of playing cards for my birthday. It wasn't a big deal.

Score: 75

If Two and half men, the Big Bang theory and How I met your mother had ever done a crossover episode It would have been called How I banged your mother with two and a half men

Score: 29

A polar bear walks into a bar A polar bear walks into a bar. Bartender says "what can I get you?" Bear replies " I'd like a gin......... And tonic" Batender asks "Why the big pause?" The polar bear looks at his hands, turning them back and forth "I don't know, my dad had 'em too."

Score: 172

I tried rocking my newborn daughter to sleep. Apparently she isn't a big Zeppelin fan.

Score: 211

I'm thinking of moving to Switzerland No particular reason, but the flag's a big plus

Score: 84

They say Magnum condoms are only good for big schlongs I don't buy it

Score: 199

Why do mermaids wear seashells? B shells are too small, and D shells are too big.

Edit: formatting

Score: 66

What are some good things about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus...

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Our young son has been crying a lot at night, so my wife asked me to go out and get a baby monitor for him… But he seems even more freaked out now with the big lizard crawling all over him…

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They were so round, big, and beautiful - I just had to touch them! And then she said, "OW! My eyes!"

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Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells? She's not big enough for d shells.

Score: 43

Microsoft Edge is a big improvement over IE... It downloads Chrome twice as fast!

Score: 62

They say you are what you eat I don't remember eating a big disappointment

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What's big, green and if it falls out a tree it could kill you A pool table

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I was at the gym the other night, I found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in. Long story short, she filed a complaint and I'm banned for life.

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What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? I'm not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

Score: 30

A bear walked into a bar... Waiter: What will it be pal?
Bear: Gin.....
....
....
and tonic
Waiter: Why the big pause?
Bear: I don't know. My dad had them too.

Score: 43

I call my wife Bambi and she thinks it's because she's cute with big brown eyes... Actually, it's because I shot her mother with a hunting rifle...

Score: 173

Why do the Lannisters have such big beds? They push two twins together and make a king!

Score: 70

Two wind turbines are talking to each other... One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?"

The other turbine replies, "Well...I'm a big metal fan."

Score: 268

Did you ever wake up, give the person next to you a big kiss, and just feel glad you're alive? I did that today, and I'm not allowed back on that airline.

Score: 52

Two wind turbines are talking to each other.. One asks the other : Hey what kind of music are you into?

The other one answers : Well I'm a big metal fan..

Score: 29

Why do mermaids wear seashell bras? Because the B-shell bras were too small and the D-shell bras were too big.

Score: 106

Sometimes I use big words that I don't quite understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis

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If the big bang theory, how I met your mother and two and a half men had ever crossed over it would've been called How I banged your mother with two and a half men

Score: 65

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, The flag is a big plus.

Score: 252

What's big, yellow, and can't swim? A bus full of kids

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For my graduating class' 20th reunion, we're digging up our time capsule from freshman year I cant wait to see how big my dog Sparky got

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Bill Gates has a net worth of $86.9 billion To get an estimate of how big that is, take your net worth and atdd $86.9 billion onto it

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Will glass coffins be the next years big thing? Remains to be seen.

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What kind of music do windmills listen to? They're all big metal fans.

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People always tell me I shouldn't give my cat a bath... I don't see what the big deal is. Honestly, it's fine once I get all the hair off my tongue.

Score: 41

Two windmills are in a field. One turns to the other and asks, "What's your favorite type of music?"

"I'm a big metal fan" the other one replies.

Score: 49

What's the best thing about Switzerland? Don’t know, but the flag’s a big plus.

Score: 41

I was a big fan of Extreme Vetting Then I found out it isn't a show about skydiving into the desert to perform dog surgery.

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I came up with a science joke... Why are people with diamond shoes so bad for the environment?

They have a big carbon footprint...

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A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian "CAN I GET A BIG MAC FRIES AND A COKE?!!" The librarian says "excuse me miss.....this is a library." The blonde says...."oh im sorry (whispers) can i get a big mac fries and a coke?"

Score: 184

Why do mermaids wear seashell bras? Because "B" shells are to small and "D" shells are too big.

Score: 40

What's the best part about living in Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus

Score: 143

I bought a 5 gallon drum of correction fluid the other day. Big mistake.

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Why does the Little Mermaid wear sea shells? Because D shells are too big and B shells are too small.

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What are some of the perks of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag's a big plus.

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What's one good thing about Switzerland? Well I guess the flag's a big plus

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My sons joke - if you've a cricket ball in one hand, and a cricket ball in the other hand. What have you got? A big cricket.

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My buddy has big news... He comes to me one day and says "Dude, you'll never believe it, I'm banging twins."

"That's awesome" I reply "but how can you tell them apart?"

"Easy" he says "Marys got long blonde hair and Steves got a moustache."

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Why did the mermaid wear sea shells? Cause she was too big for B- shells!

(my 6 year old niece likes to tell this joke)

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Why does the little mermaid wear sea-shells? Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.

Score: 51

So, I bumped into this cute girl on the way out of the grocery store... We talked for a bit and ended up exchanging numbers. I'm trying not to make a big deal about it, but I'm pretty bummed that my insurance rates are going to go up.

Score: 34

Me reshaping history with one joke. I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

Score: 176