Hilarious Business Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Business Jokes

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it... ...then my illegal logging business is a success.

Score: 18621

I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great, I love being my own boss.

Score: 9537

My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes

Score: 6776

a guy with a gun bursts into a bank and screams “a person's regular occupation, profession, or trade. also known as a commercial enterprise.” the old lady in front of him whispers to the teller, “I’d do whatever he asks. He means business.”

Score: 6576

Dad: What’s a lion and a witch doing in your wardrobe Me: it’s Narnia Business....

Score: 6472

Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.

Score: 1410

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple 'thank you' is all i need Not all this 'How did you get in my house?' business

Score: 1337

I made this joke up when I was eight. I'm very proud of it. What's in the wardrobe?

Narnia business.

Score: 1337

Chocolate is bad Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!

Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.

Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?

Guy: No, minding his own business.

Score: 1216

My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items It's a small scale operation

Score: 855

I started a boat business in the attic. The sails are going through the roof

Score: 784

Why did the Libertarian cross the road? None of your damn business. Am I being detained?

Score: 777

A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

Score: 766

I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion. She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.

Score: 671

Score: 592

An unemployed engineer opens a clinic... He soon goes out of business, since the field is over saturated due to all the unemployed engineers opening clinics recently.

Score: 538

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it My illegal logging business is a success

Score: 514

A boy was sitting in a bus eating chocolate. The elderly man next to him asked him... Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth.

Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years.

Man : By eating chocolate?

Boy : No. By minding his own business.

Score: 506

If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?

Score: 491

Why don't midgets ever get accepted into nudist colonies? They keep sticking their noses into everyone else's business.

Score: 359

A kid takes a taxi home while he eats a chocolate bar.... Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!

Kid: My grandfather lived 108 years.

Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?

Kid: No, minding his own business.

Score: 340

I'm sick to death of cocaine dealers... always sticking their business in other people's noses.

Score: 320

I found a lion in my wardrobe and I asked him what he was doing there. He said "Narnia business".

Score: 305

What do you call an atheist business? A non-prophet organization.

Score: 291

So I was minding my business in the library today when a black guy walked up to me and asked me where the colored printers were. I replied, "Dude, it's 2017, you can use whatever printer you want."

Score: 270

I used to sell home security systems. It was super easy.

I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.

Score: 231

What did the Arts Major say to the Business Major? "Can I take your order?"

Score: 224

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it... thats good... my illegal logging business is a success.

Score: 222

Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old. And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"

Score: 220

Man: Hey sir! Could I interest you in a microscope? Customer: No thanks, I’d have no use.
Man: Here is my business card in case you ever do!
Customer: I can’t read this, it’s too small!
Man: Boy have I got the product for you!

Score: 196

A blind guy rang my door bell... When I opened the door he told me, "You should really cover your windows up," and handed me a business card.

Score: 164

I'm starting a business.... I'm gonna do math tutoring, but solely for midgets. I'm calling it Making The Little Things Count.

Score: 142

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it... then my illegal log cutting business is doing well.

Score: 97

This morning I entered a store... I noticed the clerk had a missing hand and a watch on it, that kept falling.

\-Why don't you wear it on the other hand?

\-And how am I supposed to put it on, smartass?



I've decided to mind my own business from now on.

Score: 81

I stole a Tom Cruise movie from the store the other day... It was Risky Business.

Score: 75

Donald Trump finally revealed his plans to defeat North Korea He's buying it and turning it into a Trump brand business

Score: 72

Flight back home Guy was boarding a plane to go back home from a business trip.

As he was boarding another passenger asks him: "our flight looks full what do you think they will do??"

The Asian man flying back home says "beats me"

Score: 69

I started a business putting explosives in prayer mats Prophets are though the roof.

Score: 40

An unfortunate business idea I once started a restaurant inside an airplane that was no longer functional. Sadly, it never took off.

Score: 40

Had to stop following Business Insider for the headline: "Amy Schumer's new comedy movie is shockingly awful" I can't trust anybody who finds that shocking.

Score: 38

New Business Jokes

Who says Feminism isn't working? Just the other day I saw a highlight video of a woman working multiple jobs. She was a Business owner, a maid, a realtor and even a new stepmom to a buff stepson who she obviously cared for very deeply.

Score: 9

So, what's your profession again? "Well", answered the man, "I'm a magician!"

"A Magician? What type of Magician?"

"It's a family business and I do the sawing down!"

"So do you have siblings?"

"Yes, two half brothers"

Score: 16

Our Business is implementing random drug testing... I'm OK with doing most of them but I'm kinda nervous about trying Crack.

Score: 11

I finally splurged and bought a business class ticket... Worst decision ever. I didn't learn a thing.

Score: 13

Two men are in the desert and they see a third man fishing. The first man says to the other: “Look at that idiot fishing in the desert.”
The second man replies: “That’s none of our business, just keep rowing.”

Score: 7

Why dont you bother someone who is digging in his toilet? Hes just mining his own business

Score: 5

Did you guys hear the one about the perfume factory that went out of business? Nevermind, it doesn't really make scents anymore

Score: 7

I started a cold air baloon business but I’m having some trouble getting it off the ground

Score: 5

People have told me that I have hired too many people for my business. I said not to worry because I'm seeing 14 therapists about it.

Score: 9

"Back in Black" and "Back in Business" are both good lines. But I'd reccomend against using "Back in Black Business".

Score: 5

A young engineer has just started his own business in Afghanistan he's making landmines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.

Score: 21

A CIA employee retired to start a kitchen remodeling business... It's called counter intelligence.

Score: 9

Ever since I started a company painting ceilings… Business has been looking up.

Score: 8

Two reasons why people don't mind their own business. 1 : No mind

2 : No business

Score: 7

Why did the honest baker go out of business? She refused to sugarcoat.

Score: 6

Why was the dwarfs mining business so successful? Because his overheads were very low.

Score: 17

Mother Teresa has a secret.. But it's nun of your business!

Score: 6

An Asian man decides to move to Manhattan to start a business, but when he gets to New York there are no high rise buildings. Where is he? Rong Island.

Score: 6

Why are fishmongers never generous? Because their business makes them sell-fish.

Score: 5

Why did the museum go out of business? They were out of Monet.

Score: 5

What do you call a nosey pepper? Jalapeno Business ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Score: 6

A friend of mine opened a trampoline business in Prague. I asked him how sales were and said "Well, the Czechs keep bouncing."

Score: 10

Did you know that 70% of all Japanese business men have cataracts? The rest drive Rincolns.

Score: 7

What does the hooker say after you pay her? Thank you, it's a business doing pleasure with you.

Score: 14

My fruit and vegetable business recently went into liquidation We now sell smoothies

Score: 15

Shoot the kids, hang the parents, frame grandpa... I tried to tell Rob the slogan for his new photography business needed fixing but he wasn't having any of it.

Score: 7

What do you call a nun that works for you? Nun of your business

Score: 17

My friend became rich after starting a home business selling human organs. Now he's dead.

Score: 8

A clown with a briefcase walks into a bar The barman calls security and says "sorry, no funny business"

Score: 29

I found a lion in my wardrobe and asked him what he was doing there. He said,"Narnia business"...

Score: 9

The president, a business man, and a national security leak walk into a bar... ... and order a drink. The bartender pours one beer and says, "Here you go, Mr Trump."

Score: 7

What is a sister working in your company? Nun of your business.

Score: 8

Come on, Trump has no ties in Russia. His ties are made in China. His business loans are in Russia.

Score: 29

My friend started a company that digs rocks and minerals.. He's just mining his own business.

Score: 12

What on Earth is a nosey pepper?! It's one that gets all jalapeno business (sorry)

Score: 20

In order for United Airlines to keep their business... They're really gonna have to have unbeatable prices!

Score: 8

United Airlines should get into the rail transportation business... ...because they have the longest karma train that I've ever seen.

Score: 7

I recently had to sell my calculator manufacturing business. The numbers just weren't adding up.

Score: 9

LPT: To prevent a snake from biting, grasp their tail firmly and shake vigorously Since snakes don't have hands, the snake will think that you are a businessman and that he is a business snake, and you are about to make a handshake deal.

Score: 6

I was in a cab once And the driver starts by saying "I love my job, I own my business, work my own hours, and no one tells me what to do..." Then I said, "Turn left".

Score: 15

Why Would Clint Eastwood be Bad at Restructuring a Business? He can't remember if he fired 5 or 6.

Score: 5

Why did the tree leave his career of 15 years to start his own business? ...he wanted to branch out.

Score: 12

Why did the girl quit her job at the doughnut factory? Because she was fed up with the hole business.

Score: 8

it's hard to retire if you are in the tire business it seems like you have more work to do.

Score: 4

What starts with N, has two Gs in the middle, and has no business wearing a pointy white hood? Your noggin

Score: 11

I'm thinking of starting a business will use free child labor in exchange for temporary housing. Although I don't know if I can compete with the Girl Scouts...

Score: 5

Say what you will about ISIS... But you can't deny their suicide business is booming.

Score: 8

Why do the cops monitor the store that sells upper-case letters for computers? It's a shifty business.

Score: 4

What's the only thing working out at the gym? The business plan.

Score: 4

Why did Walmart go out of business in Iraq? Because there are too many targets.

Score: 34

I had to quit the massage business. I kept rubbing people the wrong way.

Score: 34

So my friend's bakery burned down yesterday... His business is toast.

Score: 18

A man started a business in Afghanistan. He's making landmines that look like prayer mats.
"It's going well," he said. "Prophets are going through the roof."

Score: 29

I opened a business selling land mines that look like prayer mats Prophets are going through the roof.

Score: 31

So a man is at an airport. He approaches the Customs officer, passport in hand.

The customs officer looks it over and says, "So is this trip business or pleasure?"

The man sighs. "Neither. Im meeting my wife."

Score: 32

What do you call the Mexican version of the NSA? Jalapeno Business...........

Score: 6

When is a pepper nosey? When it's jalapeño business.

Score: 4

What does a lonely pepper do? Gets jalapeno business.

Score: 11

A man walks into a funeral home... He asks the mortician if he's had much business lately.
"Not really..." the mortician says, "It's been pretty dead around here".

Score: 9

So two cows are standing in a field... One turns to the other and says, "So have you heard about this mad cow disease business? Pretty scary stuff."

The other looks back and says, "What do I care, I'm a helicopter!"

Score: 9