Hilarious Candy Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Candy Jokes

Score: 7836

I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"

Score: 2730

A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater. She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.

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What do Jewish pedophiles say? “Hey kid, want to buy some candy?”

Score: 1948

I steal candy bars using slight of hand... You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve

Score: 1108

A local theater was just robbed of $286 the other day... ...The thieves stole one large drink, a large popcorn, and a candy bar.

Score: 998

The use of capitals can really change the meaning of a sentence Example:

I like to eat candy

I like to eat capitals

Score: 630

How do you spell candy with two letters? C and Y

Score: 489

Man it's nuts today, I've killed over a dozen zombies and I have one question: Why were they all holding bags of candy?

Score: 398

Capitalization can really change a sentence. For example:
I love to eat candy.
I love to eat capitalization.

Score: 344

An alcoholic walks into a candy store... The alcoholic looks around and after a while the storekeeper says "Can I help you with anything?"

The alcoholic replies "Yeah, got any liquor?"

"Well, I'm not sure but there is this"

"What is that?"

"It's liquor-ish"

Score: 304

I’m a magician of sorts. I steal candy bars using sleight of hand. You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

Score: 297

I almost got busted for shoplifting candy today... But I got out of it. I've got a couple of twix up my sleeve.

Score: 294

I tried to steal candy from a newborn baby, but he slapped my hand away. Turns out he wasn’t born yesterday.

Score: 165

Kids today are way too expensive. Now days they want iPads and PlayStations. They used to just get in the van if you offered them candy.

Score: 139

Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example:

I love to eat candy.

I love to eat capitalization.

Score: 136

It was only after I'd shot the fifth zombie... ...that I started to wonder why they were all carrying little bags of candy with them.

Score: 109

A strange van pulls up to a 12 year old boy walking down the street... The man in the van holds out a bag of candy and says, "hey kid, if I give you a piece of candy will you come in my van?"

To that the kid replies, "I'll come in your mouth if you give me the whole bag."

Score: 92

What do Jewish pedophiles say to kids? Hey, wanna buy some candy?

Score: 87

A movie theater was robbed of $150 worth of candy The thieves took 2 bags of M n' Ms and a small soda

Score: 80

When I was a kid, you could walk into a gas station with a $1 bill and leave with a bag of chips, a candy bar, and a coke. Now, they have cameras everywhere.

Score: 69

I know a guy who collects candy canes... ...they are all in mint condition.

Score: 60

What did the Jewish paedophile say to the young boy? Hey kid, wanna buy some candy?

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Billy has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now? Diabetes.
Billy has diabetes.

Score: 46

What did the Jewish child molester say to the kid? Hey kid, do you want to buy some candy?

Score: 38

The movie theatre down the road from my house was robbed of $50,000 last night The newspaper said that the suspects escaped with 2 large bags of popcorn, 2 candy bars and a large soda

Score: 37

Successfully ran away from the cops today, after I stole a candy bar They tried their best, but I had too many Twix up my sleeve.

Score: 36

What did the Jewish paedophile say to the kid? Would you like to buy some candy?

Score: 35

What is a happy cowboy's favorite candy? A jolly rancher.

Score: 34

How does candy laugh? It snickers

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John Candy offered John Goodman sweets John: Candy?
John: Nah, I'm good, man.

Score: 29

Now that the tide pod fad is dying down lets move onto the cotton candy in the attic.

Score: 20

If you have 13 candy bars and John eats 9, what does John have? Type 2 diabetes

Score: 20

What's happening in this country? School children dressing like whores... -and whores dressing like school children. It's a nightmare!
You don't know whether to carry candy or cash.

Score: 17

What’s a feminists favorite candy bar? Hershey

Score: 17

I remember when was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. Nowadays they have cameras everywhere

Score: 17

In the 1990's, you could go into any store with just a dollar and get a soda, a bag of chips, and a candy bar. Now you can't. Why? Because there's cameras everywhere now

Score: 17

If John has 50 candy bars and eats 45 of them what does John have? Diabetes. John had diabetes.

Score: 13

What's the best part about being an orphan? All your chips and candy bars are family sized.

Score: 11

I didn't have any candy at Halloween... So I gave out my antidepressants.

It made the kids happy, but it was a real downer for me.

Score: 8

New Candy Jokes

What's a mathematician's favorite candy bar? *N* Musketeers, where *N* = 3!

Score: 3

I labeled my bag of Halloween candy with “the favorite sibling” My mom gave my candy to my brother.

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I remember a time where you could walk into the gas station with a quarter and leave with a candy bar and a coke. Now there are cameras everywhere.

Score: 3

My Crush, of 4 Years, just txted me that she expects me to visit her. I always get notified that they expect me.I havent played Candy Crush in a long time.

Score: 2

There are three certainties in life: Death, taxes, and Halloween candy assortments will always include one candy that ruins the bag.

Score: 5

A vampireis coming back from the toilet "Do you know that they have a candy jar on the floor in there?"

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Why does 'without a peep' mean 'silent'? Because nobody complains when they *don't* have garbage candy.

Score: 1

I’ve started collecting candy canes They’re all in mint condition!

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What kind of candy does a gun eat? Sub machine gum.

I can't take full credit for this joke, though. My 8 year old came up with it.

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What did the child services worker say when the cops came to arrest a prostitute who recently gave birth? It's like taking Candy away from her baby.

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What sound does a dog make after eating a candy cane? Peppermint bark.

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What do you call a fit mother who eats her chlidren's candy? Upvote this joke or I will commit genocide

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My friend claimed to have made a 61 foot long candy cane. But my tape measure was only 60 feet long...

I guess you could say, his achieve***mint*** was immeasurable.

Score: 2

Ron has 36 candy bars and he eats 28. What does he have now? Diabetes.

Score: 3

I never knew that you could collect candy Until I found one in mint condition

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What is a West Virginians favorite candy? A blow pop.

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They say it's easy to take candy from a baby, but you can take literally anything you want from an orphan. What are they going to do? Tell their parents?

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Back when I was a kid I could go into the store with a dollar and come out with 3 candy bars, a bag of chips and maybe a bottle of pop! But now days they have cameras !!

Score: 3

What’s a happy cowboy’s favorite type of candy? Jolly ranchers

Score: 1

When I was a kid, you could go to the store with $1 and leave with a can of pop, 2 candy bars, a bag of chips and some caramel squares.... Nowadays, they have cameras everywhere.

Score: 1

Teacher: class let’s do math. Teacher: so bob has 25 candy bars he eats 10. What does bob have

Student: 15 CANDY BARS

Teacher: no bob has diabetes.

Score: 3

What do people at candy land harvest their crops with? Popsickles

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what's a blind persons favorite candy bar? Reese's

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Music in 2018 is like candy Throw away the wrappers!

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Jim has 125 candy bars. He eats 76 of them. What does he have now? Diabetes. Jim has diabetes

Score: 5

What is the preferred candy of the elderly? RetireMINTS.

Score: 4

If I had a grand for the amount of candy bars I got during this Halloween I'd have... 100 grand

Score: 1

What's the difference between candy corn and boogers? Kids won't eat candy corn.

Score: 3

A man wakes up late one night to find his wife eating candy. The man says "Honey, why are you eating that this late at night?"

and his wife replies with "Because unlike you, Snickers satisfies me."

Credit to Ronnie Serrano.

Score: 5

What has Ferris wheels, cotton candy, and delicious fried food? That's a fair question

Score: 1

Well, I totally got robbed during a night out last night. We're ok. They got $50. All we got was some candy, a bucket of popcorn, and a mediocre movie.

Score: 4

My grandfather always used to say he could go to the candy store and get 10 pounds of candy with a quarter He can't anymore though, too many cameras.

Score: 4

Why do cannibals enjoy going to the strip club? Who doesn't enjoy eating a little Candy or Sugar every now and then?

Score: 2

My friend keeps couriering me boxes of sugary confectionaries from abroad with little notes attached reading how I would've never gotten to taste them if it weren't for him. Honestly, I think I'm getting a bit sick of his candy-sending behaviour.

Score: 1

TIL Although Hansel and Gretel were able to evade being eaten, they developed 99 illnesses due to the fact that they lived in the candy house for over a month... They got 99 problems but a witch ain't one.

Score: 4

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts we'd all have Type II Diabetes

Score: 3

Music is like candy... You throw away the rappers.

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Did you hear about the fight at the candy store? Two suckers got licked.

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Which candy is the angriest? Temper mints.

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What do you call a candy store run by Isis? The Allah Snackbar

Score: 6

If athletes get athlete's foot, what do candy makers get? Tic tac toe.

Score: 4

I hate sour candy that has to be coated twice before consumed It's so retarted.

Score: 1

A: How criminal are you? B: you know those candy bowls on halloween, where you are only allowed to take one...?

A: Uh yes??

B: I killed someone

Score: 2

What's an anime character's favorite type of candy? A NEKO waffer

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What type of candy goes to Harvard? Smarties

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we're about to take an exam.. Right before the test the teacher gives the class some smarties candy and says "some smarties for the smarties." then, after the test, the teacher gave us a lolipop

Score: 3

I had the worst deal today I didnt get any candy from the old guy. I don't rember the rest.

Score: 3

What does a vampire call a used tampon? Cotton candy

Score: 4

The little girl asks her parents "Mom, Dad why did you name me Candy?" The mom replies " because we want to be grandparents really soon"

Score: 5

How do you spell "Candy" only using 2 letters? c and y

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Why is Chris Christie so sad? Drugs are becoming cheaper than candy bars.

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Andy has 150 candy bars. He eats 125. What does Andy have now? Andy has diabetes

Score: 7

Guy puts candy bar in shirt His dad always said to keep Twix up your sleeve.

Score: 5

My angry wife controls everything. She even said I had to stop eating candy at work... ... so I had to fire her

Score: 2

What is ISIS's favorite candy bar? Allahu Snackbar, it's flavor is explosive.

Score: 6

What is the most popular candy in Rwanda? Tutsi roll

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What did the clerk say to the customer who tried to buy a candy bar with plastic quarters? This is non-cents!

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What does a candy cane say to another candy cane during a strong storm? **Hurry**cane!

Score: 1

What's a Mexican's favorite candy bar? A payday

Score: 7