Hilarious Card Jokes That Will Make You Laugh

Funniest Card Jokes

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.

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I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions 1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

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My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill anymore. So I sent him a card, “Get well soon.”

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To be frank I'd have to get a new ID card.

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Got my girlfriend a “get better soon” card She’s not sick, I just think she could get better

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Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card? Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police: Then why are you reporting it now?
Man: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

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My friend can't afford his water bill... So I sent him a "Get well soon" card.

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The stolen credit card. Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: Coz the thief was spending less than my wife.

Police:Then why are you reporting it now?

Man: Well, I think now the thief's wife has started to use it.

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birthday card As i handed my mom her 50th birthday card today she said " One would've done"

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A thief stole my wife's credit card But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.

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"I remember one time I brought my report card home and said 'Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!" He just said "That's a D, you idiot."

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I was invited to a party... 'Black tie only' was written on the invitation card. When I got there, I noticed that other people worn shirts and pants, too.

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I am amazing at managing my credit card. My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding

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Me, to the cop: You can’t arrest me. I have a marathon to run today! Cop: Stop playing the race card!

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When my first wife lost her credit card, I didn't report it. Because whoever found it was spending less than she was.

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My stolen card Police : why didn't you report the stolen credit card ?
Me : The thief was spending less than my wife

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Guy calls in on radio show **Guy**: Hey! I found this wallet with $2k, an Amazon gift card, and it says it belongs to someone named 'Ryan'
**Host**: Oh how nice of you. Do you want me to ask Ryan to reclaim it?
**Guy**: No, I want to request a sad song for Ryan

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I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions ! 1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

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As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “You know, one would have been enough.”

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I used to sell home security systems. It was super easy.

I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.

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If black people have the race card, women have the gender card, what do rednecks have? The Trump card.

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Man: Hey sir! Could I interest you in a microscope? Customer: No thanks, I’d have no use.
Man: Here is my business card in case you ever do!
Customer: I can’t read this, it’s too small!
Man: Boy have I got the product for you!

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Have you seen the new iPhone card trick? It's the one where all the jacks dissappear

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A marriage is a lot like a card game In the beginning there's two hearts and a diamond but by the end you're looking for a club and a spade.

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I’m really good at managing my credit card. My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.

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My credit card was stolen today I don't think I'm gonna do anything about it. So far he's spending way less than my wife does.

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A blind guy rang my door bell... When I opened the door he told me, "You should really cover your windows up," and handed me a business card.

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My mom didn't like my report card. I told her okay. She said she wanted more A's.

So I told her "okaaaaay".

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My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore... ...so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

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You ever go to pay cash, but the cashier has already handed you the card machine? I'm like... "Did you just assume my tender?"

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I can't understand why my credit card keeps getting declined Every time I log into my account online it says I have an outstanding balance.

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Why didn't the man report his credit card stolen? Because the thief was spending less than his wife.

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What did Barack Obama write inside his Valentines card? "I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself"

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My granddad used to say "Pick a card, any card." He was the laziest employee Hallmark ever had…

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Buying yourself an Uber gift card is ironic. Cause it's a free ride when you've already paid.

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My wife is like a new credit card. 0% interest for 12 months.

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I had to thank my friend for finding my bank card resting in some wet grass. Credit where it's dew.

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Obama used the race card. Hillary used the woman card. America used the Trump card.

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My credit card is like a stripper. There isn't much on it.

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New Card Jokes

Accidentally swiped my donor card instead of my debit card today... my groceries ended up costing me an arm and a leg

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My friend has no running water at his house, so I felt bad and decided to send him a card. A “Get Well Soon” card.

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Why did the man never report that his credit card had been stolen? Because the thief was still spending considerably less than his wife.

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For the first time in 40 years I didn't get a Valentine's day card from a secret admirer I just don't understand it.

First Grandma dies, and now this!!

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Pull out and pray isn't just my preferred method of birth control It's also how i use my debit card

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Getting a job is like getting a credit card: you need one to get one Of course, neither matters if you’re a drug dealer

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I hand my father his 50th birthday card... He said "You know, one would've been enough..."

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As I handed Dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said “You know, one would have been enough.”

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School is just like my credit card 0% interest for the first 9 months.

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My dad's eyes filled with tears when I handed him his 80th birthday card He looked at me and said "you know, one would've been enough"

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Dad, why haven’t you reported to the police that mom credit card was stolen? Shut up boy!

That thief spends way less than your mother

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My friend could not afford to pay his water bill.. So, I sent him a "get well soon" card..

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My friend in Africa was complaining about the lack of drinking water in his village. So I sent him a Get Well Soon card.

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Why didn't the guy call the police when his credit card was stolen? Because the thief spent less than his wife.

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My friend heard about an African village trying to raise enough money to sink a well for fresh water. He sent them a cheque for $100... ...I sent them a "Get well soon" card

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You wanna know how to please a woman with only 3 inches? You give her a credit card.

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I did terribly in my quantum physics class, but still got an "A" and I also got an "F"
I'm not opening my report card.

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I accidentally washed my cameras memory card. Thankfully it still works but now all my images are watermarked.

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Is this your card? I ask nervously as I draw the 52nd card left.

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In my credit card statement there was an extra 666$ charge written in tiny fonts ... As usual, the devil is in the details ...

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Six months ago, my wife had her credit card stolen. Tonight I learned this guy took it. But I'm not going to turn him in. He spends a lot less per month than she did!

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Did you hear that the new captain of the Enterprise is a magician? His name is Jean-Luc Pick-a-card

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Why was the student's report card wet? It was below C level

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Johnny With his father Johnny’s father: Let me see your report card.
Johnny: I don’t have it.
Johnny’s father: Why not?
Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

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I called my credit card company when I got my bill and said, "I can't pay this." "Well, let's see if I can help you, sir. What was your last statement?" ...

"I

CAN'T

PAY

THIS."

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To the Magician who stole my I.D. Yes that is my card!

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My wife's credit card was stolen last week... I haven't reported it yet though... because so far, they're spending less than she was.

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My dad said I should get an organ donor card He's a man after my own heart

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What is 8.6 cm and can please any woman? A credit card.

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A guy stole my wallet a few years ago. I noticed some unusual charges on my credit card statement. I didn't report it because he was spending less than my wife.

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I got kicked out of the grocery store while trying to pay with a debit card. The terminal instruction read "strip down, facing cashier".

I locked eyes for dominance.

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At the Hallmark store "Do you sell sympathy cards?" I asked at the Hallmark store.

"Yes we do." replied the clerk.

"Good," I said, "could I exchange this 'Get Well Soon' card for one?"

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Told my boss I wanted a pay raise, 3 other companies are after me! He said "Oh yeah, which ones?"

I told him "the gas and electric company, the phone company and the credit card company"

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Why did the pc player cross the road? To sell their soul to the devil for a graphics card.

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A husband loses his credit card..... He decides to not report it stolen, because the thief is spending less money than his wife

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Why does the president win every card game he plays? He's always got a trump card.

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See your report card Johnny’s father: Let me see your report card.
Johnny: I don’t have it.
Johnny’s father: Why not?
Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.

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UK vs USA The UK and the US are having a battle to see who can ruin their country the fastest.
We were winning with Brexit but the US had a Trump card.
However Thereisa chance we May yet still win.

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A thief stole my wife's credit card, I let him keep it Because he spends less than my wife does, I said to the police officer,
The officer says, then how come you are reporting it to me a year later,
I said "because the theif's wife started to use it"

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Spreading girls's legs is alot like spreading butter You can do it with a credit card, but it's much easier with a knife

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My Mother Suggested I Register For a Donor Card... she's a woman after my own heart.

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My mom gave me her credit card to buy her a gift for mothers day She said if I buy anything expensive on eBay she'll smash my head on the keyboarkqkrjfhufjffitufltudduyldrysgldzkteydculfdylyxdhdyd

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What did the fisherman say to the card magician Take a cod, any cod you want

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Wanna know the 2016 elections favorite card game? Poker.

It always gets the Trump card.

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I'll have you know I'm in a great financial situation. Even my credit card company says my balance is outstanding!

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Why don't Master Card and Visa work well in France? They do not know how to say "CHARGE!"

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Now US can't loose in Card Game Because... They have Trump card.

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I just realized my love life is a lot like a CapitalOne Card.. There's zero interest.

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credit card vs wife Police : Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?
Husband: The thief was spending less than my wife.
Police : Then why are you reporting it now?
Husband: I think now the thief's wife has started using it!

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Hey baby, are you an introductory credit card offer? Because your terms are hard to understand and you keep saying you have no interest.

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Need a joke for valentines card Valentines is tomorrow and i just wondering anyone could tell me a jokes so i can write on it to my gf
Thank you!!

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A bought a farewell card for only a penny... It was a good buy.

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I don't usually brag..... I don't usually brag about my finances, but my credit card company calls me almost every day to tell me my balance is outstanding.

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Guy walks into a Mexican restaurant but he's not that hungry... And they serve free tortilla chips. He asks for one chip and they give it to him. He swipes his credit card, and nothing happens. The employee looks at him and says, "Dude... it's a chip."

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Stalin's political career didn't really take off, until he played the trump card -Seize the means of reproduction!

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BILL CLINTON'S FAVORITE CARD GAME Q: What is Bill Clinton's favorite card game?
A: Poker.

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A dumb blonde, a smart blonde and Santa Claus are playing a card game. Who wins? The dumb blonde does. The other two don't exist.

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My collegue just threw my punch card at me, I ducked just in time!!! But I almost got clocked out!

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What is hitlers favorite yugio card? The blue eyes white dragon

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A Minsk fireman gets home from work... ... and says to his wife, "They told me that tomorrow I either go to Chernobyl or hand in my Party card."

"But you're not in the party," she replies.

"Right, so I'm wondering how do I get a Party card by tomorrow morning?"

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